Reclaiming My Identity With The Rest Of My Time
The honest truth is that I have never for a day in my life identified as a man and was never non-binary either. This despite the rest of the world's many assumptions and expectations of my identity or what I was forced to conform to. As a child (before kindergarten even) I used to tell everyone I was a girl & that my real name was Sis' Nomshibo. Most people would ridicule me, as you can imagine. My mom recently reminded me of the origins of that name. Apparently I refused to eat pap & often got into trouble for only eating and finishing my Sishebo lol. So I renamed myself to "Sis' Nomshibo" (it also doubled as a stage name for when we had guests over - to perform Brenda and Tamia covers for them). I was such a girly girl and a show pony to the core (still am tbh). I played and talked with flowers as well as relied on my imagination to give them doll like features when people insisted on buying me toy cars and guns over dolls, which is also why I am obsessed with flowers and bright colors, generally. When I "came out" as Trans to mama most recently she was basically like "girl I been knew", turns out she and my dad were already having that chat behind my back. I always preferred wearing dresses over what's considered "boy's clothing"- hand me downs from my older half sisters or 2nd hands from umlungu waGogo wasemakhishini, at some point my mom started buying me my own skirts and dresses as a kid. I never learnt any of that from anyone else since there was 0 trans representation in my world, it came naturally to me to be a woman. As I got older and became exposed to the outside world I realised that I was not allowed to be myself. It felt like I was forced to carry this burden of a body that came assigned with all these societal regulations, expectations and norms that I couldn't subscribe or relate to. And this was from childhood so you can see how this became a habit over time. For the longest, I have experienced and existed within this massive internal disconnect; one born from a place of trauma, fear and so badly longing to fit in. And it unfortunately stained my earlier experience of life, and maybe even other people's experience of me in the past. For some of us that are from the hood, by virtue of our background we were automatically given two options: if you're not classified as cishet then you are either just gay or lesbian - guess I settled for gay. The reality is that many of us were never given a fair shot at fully discovering & exploring our own identity, away from societal limitations. We just settled for what made a bit more sense to others. Experiencing my body release YEARS of built up tension and trauma has been super exhilarating and I'm super thankful for my journey, life lessons and the solid support structure I have to lean on. Doing the internal labor has challenged me to confront a reality I have intentionally and unintentionally avoided for years. I genuinely used to get a feeling of humiliation and shame each time the thought of me possibly being a transgender woman hit me, not because I hate being a woman but only because I always got shamed or ridiculed from a very young age, for identifying as one. So I sacrifised my true identity, inner peace and sanity by living a complete lie. I do from time to time feel like wearing baggy sweat pants and a plain T, just like any other black woman I know. I will not always show up all dolled up as some expect and I am allowed to have a bad hair day or a couple of those, hell a girl is allowed to have a bad day period. So if you bump into me lookin' hella scruffy or not being as pleasant as you wish I was, please don't tell me I'm not woman enough or being unladylike. It's a dream come true being able to exist in my absolute truth, for no one else but myself. I fully understand and acknowledge that I have been enabled and privileged by the countless opportunities, resources and information available to me, which I am eternally thankful for. I just hope to be a beacon of light for others like me through my visibility. Kind Regards, Ms. Fortune
Mbuso Shumba (AKA Sis' Nomshibo)
