eepo

I'm additionally pretty fucked up because these past attempts to try to find belonging in circles like this have usually resulted in specific people taking interest in me and this ending up being for ultimately selfish/impulsive/fleeting desires. I'll be treated like I'm the most interesting and enjoyable thing ever by a person until without warning I'm dumped completely for people who are "better" and then a world of excuses will be invented for why I am suddenly lower on this social hierarchy that I've just now learned exists. So many people have been catty and two-faced with me and distorted my reality and conveyed false truths to me and maybe it's because I'm so visibly and energetically autistic that I'm immediately quietly assumed to just be an ableist slur to them so they can play with me and use me as they want and this has left me with Really Fucked Up Feelings About Myself And My Place In The World And My Relation To Humanity Itself When this Doesn't Happen I seem to just be invisible and not exist or not matter whatsoever. Some people I feel like I'd get along with a lot better just never give me a chance or never act like I even exist around them some way and that drives me mad....it depersonalizes me intensely. I can so easily matter so little to so many people. I make myself available and then there's just no effort made to meet me where I am. What do you do when you can't assimilate with everyone else? What community is there to even find? People say often without directly saying for example like THIS IS WHAT TRANS PEOPLE DO (list of a pretty large spectrum of specific things) but as a trans person I do none of those things and hardly have interest in much if any of the things associated the interests of trans people. similarly THIS IS WHAT FURRIES DO (list of a pretty large spectrum of specific things) and as a "furry-tangential" person who is interested a lot more in the way that animals can be imaginatively tangible, or in creatures that may or may not exist, as well as aliens and space stuff, that innately seems to put me far outside of everyone else who would rather just be like dogs or wolves or something. I'm also just like not as sexual(grey ace) as both of these constituencies seem to quietly demand that everyone be within those spheres.