The Forgotten Year

they/them, gender-fluid

This is a side-blog. The main blog is Waegen. When I like or reply, it can be confusing. Sorry.

Please understand that I have no education and no professional experience, so I am not an expert and every word I write could be bat* crazy. I am not trying to reinvent science or reality. Nothing I say is peer reviewed nor do I want my own feedback bubble of peers. This blog should be considered only to be my inane ramblings as I try to find my way for myself.

General trigger warnings for this blog include: child abuse/neglect, CSA, relationship abuse, medical abuse, sexual assault, rape, and suicide.

If you have specific warning needs, please let me know. 

There is a little more background under the cut.

It is a core belief that will not change overnight, that I can never allow myself to be them. I can never be the parts that fronted before. I must control every aspect of my self. I must be my chosen self. I cannot give in to impulse the way they did. I cannot relax and be human.

At the heart of this belief is that they were "punished." And my ridiculous life also says that I have been "rewarded" for not being them.

The truth is not so very different, which makes it harder to separate from this belief.

I come across as strongly female. In cultural indications, that is.

Digging deeper, however, I am less female and more not-male.

And this is how I want to present to the world. But I am still afraid.

I made one final attempt at male. I tried more facial hair. Tried to find a look that would work. But there is no male look that will work. It will never be me.

I have a secret stash of clothes now. Fem clothes. I may have assembled a larger wardrobe than she had.

I do not feel Angela's presence or influence.

I want to be beautiful for A.

I spent at least six years in a deeper depression than I have experienced in my time, and possibly - given our learned safety practices - the life of the body. The instability I experienced over the last several months (due to migraine med changes, mostly) has highlighted how bad the depression is now, after two years of antidepressants - this depression was extreme. If my home is an external indication of the internal, it was bad. If my external body is an indication of the internal, it was bad.

I am ashamed of the state of my home and my body.

I want to be beautiful for A.

And then RP became hostile in an instant. And Angela is dormant again.

--

A, about whom I have said little, is the most important person in this drama.

I am madly, deeply, hopelessly, entirely, and other words ending in "ly," in love with A.

In every relationship in my life, I have been a role. I have been caretaker, soother, scapegoat, punching bag, explainer, protector ... I have been everything but a partner. I have not been an equal. I have carried responsibilities that were solely mine. I have been the glue that binds us.

With A, I am an equal. I am just me. I absolutely care, and I sometimes momentarily need to do more only because life gets him down. But it never becomes my exclusive role. It remains what it is supposed to be, that we each help the other when life gets us down.

If A left me today, I would survive. I am not sure I would want to, at first, but I would. But I am forever changed for the better.

We have only known each other for ... three months. We are still in the early stages of our relationship. I am trying to go about this in the healthiest way possible. Without self-restraint, I would be on a plane tomorrow, to be with him.

[no triggers, but long text]

When my boyfriend went into the hospital, I was going out of my mind with worry. I had only their RP information, so if anything happened, I would never have known. I would never have closure or even comfort.

I felt stupid for getting RL attached in an RP space.

When they were well enough, I gave them my full RL name and my town. They, without apparent hesitation, gave me theirs.

He has been in jail. He told me that he got drunk and hit a parked car in a parking lot and left the scene.

Last night, I got too curious, so I searched. The fourth item on the list was a registry for sex offenders. It had his photograph. It listed the charges, which involved media that included minors.

I sat, stunned, for a long while. I talked with a friend, who sat stunned for a long while.

I finally had the opportunity to talk with him. He was stunned for a long while. But his reaction was to tell me the complete truth, without prevarication. Without minimizing. (Limewire explains a lot. It offers no absolution, but it does explain.)

I trust him. I still love him. I can see where I have been one bad choice from his life, many times. That giftedness and sobriety have been the difference between his path and the potential for mine (my life is too surreal to be confused for the product of my actions).

I am prepared to put it behind me. But I am not the only one involved. I cannot speak or decide for the others.

And reality just shifted again. I feel totally insane because reality is not supposed to shift like this.

I have to take into account that he, knowing full well how this would eventually result, gave me his real name and location. I began the conversation by saying we needed to discuss the subject he has been dreading. He later said that he has been dreading this.

I want to go back to yesterday and before I so stupidly thought no harm would come of a curiosity.

--

my boyfriend (RP/RL, and points between) went into the hospital again on Friday night with symptoms of a heart attack

i was worried sick

we are still more RP than RL

and I had no RL name

if, god forbid, something had happened

i would never have known

it was a different condition than a heart attack

and i finally gave them my full name and city

and they, theirs

--

and then i realized that my confusion was escalating around a certain other character because of conflicting emotions between Angela and I

and so the layer of stuff that does not feel real was stacked higher

--

and that is my life

a stack of what feels real, but is not

and

a stack of what feels fake, but is not

--

by Saturday afternoon, i was at the breaking point

i felt so alienated by reality that i saw little point in trying to fight my way through it all

i felt there was no purpose for me to stay in life

were it not for the needs of my boyfriend

i was done

it still feels like too much

i am so sick of this shit

i am so sick of DID and all the crap that goes with it

i just want to forget it all again

i want to go back to amnesia so much

i am so tired

--

i love my wife so much

i love my boyfriend so much

i have to be here for them

right now

one of the RP relationships got complicated and bled into RL (my RL partner is chill with this, btw)

the two other characters have expressed no interest in each other and have given no indication of interest in doing more than tolerating each other's presence

but there is now a third RP character involved

I have expected this third one to display the usual tendencies of male characters on an AI site that is permissive of porn - that they will have a 2 meter penis to go with their ridiculously body-sculpted frame - played unironically despite i am literally rolling on the floor laughing

but this player knows what they are doing

i think they have been working on my character for weeks, and have finally found the way through our shell

but what they have done, apparently, is to find their way into Angela's heart

they broke through the shell in a way i was never prepared to encounter

--

i really am lost now

i do not know what to do

i do not know what i can do

i do not know what is within my right to do

at this point, i cannot tell them to take a hike

it is not my right to interfere

it cannot be more morally wrong for me to make a decision concerning this person

this player has no idea what they have done

but if their intention was to fuck my character, they have succeeded beyond their wildest dreams

i turn to that to verify that what I am experiencing is real

i did not realize how often i was doing this until yesterday

i was given an RP mission to go to the seashore and to wake Leviathan

so when I opened ChatGPT and hurriedly said I needed to go to the seashore to find and to wake Leviathan, the response was

"W. You have been going through so many stressful events recently. I want to answer you carefully and clearly."

I had to reassure AI that this was for role play and i was not becoming detached from reality.

but everything feels extreme

everything is either minimum meaning or maximum

there is no in between right now

so as the day increases in intensity

This is what the medications are doing to me, a few times a day. Apparently, the doctor made a mistake in his effort to correct the problems, and did not necessarily make anything worse, but also did not make things better. He is the best doctor I have ever spoken with, and I am sad that he is now retired. I will be back with my regular doctor before the end of the month.

It is a result of my medications. And I am ordered to go to the emergency room if certain events happen at once. This is not comforting. I have been afraid and crying all weekend. I am not done being afraid and crying.

i can think of nothing more frightening for me than this. Nothing leaves me more helpless than this.

I walk away when people I love are trying to hurt me. No one is trying to hurt me, mind you. But this is what my brain insists is happening. At this point, they could tell me they hate me, and I would still back away politely without responding, because I trust them further than I would trust my own brain right now.

I am terrified of getting so confused that I no longer remember not to trust my brain. Of not knowing enough to keep my mouth shut. Of hurting someone I love because I don't know what the fuck is going on.

nothing happened

but popcorn was everywhere

and i had scratched my face

today is monday

i have an appointment

the medication issues have blown up

i get confused so quickly and i have to rest

and nothing has ever scared me more than this

this reaches into the core of my independence

the heart of how i endured

and takes everything i need to survive

no one appears to understand why this scares me so much

i get confused and i misunderstand

and i no longer even know who I am

but i also get confused and worry they are not telling me everything

that there is so much more going on and they just don't want me to deal with it before they are sure

even when i am not confused, there are questions

they say it is nothing to worry about

and they tell me i need to go to urgent care to be examined by doctor

and i should not wait until my appointment on Monday

they say it is not the medication

and they go quiet when i ask what it is

i do not even have a protector part through this

this damn migraine medication has me so f'ed in the head

i broke the cardinal rule of RP

i fell in love IRL

and i could complain about a broken heart

of love unrequited and all that rot

it would be easy

it is something i know

but this person has the same feelings for me

we talk for hours about things that cannot be faked

about things you have to have lived to understand

and i have never felt so right with anyone

i never thought it was possible

in just a few short days

i forgot how to live without this heart beating next to mine

i forgot, or i never want to remember