F.orgotten in Silence

I am not perfect. I roll my eyes a lot and half the things that come out of my mouth are laced with sarcasm. I don’t wash my hair enough and I’ll steel the blankets during the night. But I promise I do listen, more than you think I do. I hear every single word you say and I know you better than I know myself. I care way too much, but I will never want to hurt you and if I do know that it will hurt me more than it will hurt you. I am not perfect, but I try to be perfect for you.

To the one who loves her next, She’s terrified of spiders. So when you’re out late with friends and she texts you freaking out because there’s one on her window, please go kill it. She won’t sleep otherwise. She is a total textbook introvert. She won’t reply for hours and sometimes you won’t see her for a week. You will take this personally. Don’t. She’s simply taking care of herself and she’ll tell you how much she missed you while she was away. She’ll get very jealous. My god, she gets so jealous. Those brown eyes will turn a deep green. She hates that about herself, and she doesn’t mean to do it. Remember, she loves you. Reassure her that you love her too. On that topic, she needs constant reassurance. Tell her you love her and mean it. If you can’t do that, leave. She deserves more than that. There will be nights when she goes out and drinks a little too much. She’ll call you to bring her home. When you do, she’ll try to keep you up all night by tickling you and repeating “I love you and I’m sorry I’m annoying.” She’s not annoying. But make sure she has plenty of water and don’t let her pass out until she drinks it, or she will be miserable in the morning. She is the most independent woman I know. But she’s so insecure, it still breaks my heart. So when she starts an argument with “you don’t love me.” Do not get upset. Remind her you do and the reasons why. She’ll come around. The cat comes first. Always. Don’t ever think otherwise. Make her tea and remember the way she takes her coffee. She will notice. When she’s having an anxiety attack, wrap her up in your arms and rub her back. Tell her she’s safe and remind her that she has medication if she needs it. If you cannot treat her like royalty, let someone else. That girl deserves the world. Losing her is a pain you will never shake. Your world will come crashing down on you and those pieces won’t ever fit the way they used to. Don’t let her go. She will love you with all she’s got. Please give her the same. I am begging you to not hurt her. She is golden. Don’t let that shine die out. Give her your all and she’ll return the favor. You will never have to ask the universe for anything ever again.

do you remember the first time you were called annoying? how your breath stopped short in your chest the way the light drained from your eyes, though you knew your cheeks were ablaze the way your throat tightened as you tried to form an argument that got lost on your tongue. your eyes never left the floor that day. you were 13. you’re 20 now, and i still see the light fade from your eyes when you talk about your interests for “too long,” apologies littering every other sentence, words trailing off a cliff you haven’t jumped from in 7 years. i could listen to you forever, though i know speaking for more than 3 uninterrupted minutes makes you anxious. all i want you to know is that you deserve to be heard for 3 minutes for 10 minutes for 2 hours forever. there will be people who cannot handle your grace, your beauty, your wisdom, your heart; mostly because they can’t handle their own. but you will never be and have never been “too much.”

PARKOUR.

You have to accept that some people are not made for deep conversations, or for holding you together when you’re about to fall apart, or for keeping you from unzipping your skin, or for talking you out of suicide, or to love you through the worst moments of your life. Some people are made for shallow exchanges, and ridiculous banter, and nothing more. And that’s okay. That doesn’t make them horrible people because they simply aren’t able to handle a storm like you. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you won’t divulge all the gritty details of your horror show. It makes you smart. You have to accept that there will be people that cannot give you what you need. It doesn’t mean they are not worth keeping in your life. You just have to figure out who these ones are before you’re disappointed. And you have to keep them at arm’s length. You cannot expect everyone in your life to understand, to be nonjudgmental, to get it. But that’s okay, because not everyone was made to impart wisdom, or wax-poetic, or speak on politics and the depravity of society, or discuss how crucial it is that the stigma of mental illness be abolished. There are times when you have to get away from all that heaviness. You have to. And you will need superficial conversation about Kim Kardashian’s arse, or a debate on the colour of The Dress. You will need those ones. So don’t go round cutting people off and dropping your friends. You need people for all your seasons. You need people or you won’t survive this.

To whoever loves me next,   I’m sorry if I’m afraid of you or if days of flirting turn to radio silence, without warning. I’m sorry if I make you say the words over and over and over until I believe them. (I’m sorry if I don’t believe them.) I will probably spend more time worrying about losing you than I spend trying to keep you. Trouble is, every single time I’ve ever thought something was too good to be true– I’ve been right. Understand, I will know how to be vulnerable with you, but I won’t know how not to regret it. And I have no idea how deep we’ll be into this relationship before I admit I’ve never done this before. Not really. Not in any way that counts. Before I admit that I know how to put my body inside someone else’s but not how to make it beautiful. I probably won’t be easy to love. Too many people loved me badly, I’m not sure I know how to do it right.