Latte

If I were the ghost would you choose to be friendly? 

                                                         Maybe one day I'll wake up and be living

If I break the parts like the puzzle pieces from the end to the start If I break the parts would you rebuild them?

                                                          There's times when I lose the image

If I severed the ropes like the ones holding boats from over the edge of this ship If I severed the ropes which way would you jump?

                                                          Sometimes I run from myself instead

If I asked a question like the few I've asked before many metaphors for it all If I asked the question would you answer it?

                                                         And now, the answer could be too much

Tomorrow will be today before I even register yesterday I'll be older, another count, before I swallow youth This small life will be the next before I know I'm living I won't know what I have until suddenly I don't Tomorrow will be today just like every other day Maybe I'll be someone new soon though I don't think I know the present Time runs like a river sometimes it just takes a while to steady the boat, right? Today isn't tomorrow now and the baby birds join new flocks into the sky

venturing and flying to new heights landing on all different branches to settle, call home with or without anyone else Even if I'm stuck here, I'm not, really, not at all Because 17 will be 18 and that new chapter may come with celebration or tears but I'll never know until Tomorrow becomes today and the boat travels on and on, new sights, new lives, and it's... Terrifying. Horrifying. Anxiety-inducing. Adventurous. Hopeful. Curious. None and all of the above As next year becomes last year I hope my eyes open, and I keep seeing everything I hope my limbs heal and I keep climbing onwards I hope my hands unclench and I hold on furthermore As next year becomes a year ago then some, as I get older, plus another as small life becomes bigger as I change and shatter time and time again I hope I tolerate tomorrow becoming today What am I to do with myself if I hate the one person I spend the entirety of my life with, no matter how, why, and what I do?

Tomorrow is now today

and yesterday is just a memory fond, but gone

its started raining outside and part of me wonders where i lost it along the way

lost what, you say?

i'm not entirely sure but it's almost like a vision

imagine the puddles that rim the edges of worn sidewalks where thousands over thousands of feet have landed and fallen, tripped and skidded inside their concrete or brick outlines it reflects, foggy and muddled, an image of what it sees

in the way it can show and maybe it's you're face another one too maybe a camera on a phone or a canon device and maybe it's so overtly wrong but it's all you've known in the few moments before and after the way you're shirt is untucked or bunched on the right side of your denim shorts that are fitted a tad bit too tight around your upper thigh the way you're hair is an utter mess, there's so much frizz and fuzz in the hazy sunlit expression you see but the puddle wasn't made for that, it was a collection of tears, rain from the sky that collected it over time and the puddle wasn't made for that for reflecting you, for you reflecting you and you, and you, and the puddle was a mere mishap in the worn down sidewalk a dip large enough for a pool imagine who you are not how you look who you arenow, that's what i've lost i wonder as i look at the rain if my life is just a puddle i really don't know why i hate myself until i realize that my eyes aren't made for that and maybe that just doesn't make sense, it's not supposed to. you can study in the textbooks

about politics, economics, physics mathematics, philosophy, even the bible are written words not made to reflect a continuum; its the gathered water from the viewers of the world in it's current and only current ever present form sure, it makes sense if you believe it but that's not what life's made for even if it's what we enjoy, know, or hope for it's not what life's made for 

Twist then crack  that spine of yours.  I hope you feel so  damn refreshed,  the relief makes you forget  I relive everything. everything.

Twist and snap that spine of yours. I hope you don't die so you see me smile, at the pain making you forget I relearn anything. anything.

Twist then rewrite the words of mine.  I hope you feel so damn satisfied, the new words make you forget I rethink all of it. all of it. 

Twist My lungs at the sound of my dying words the laughter  embellished in the insanity of my utter anger at your damn refresh rate the relief, making you forget

I 

relive

everything

and you forget and you forget I can't stop it. I can't stop it. my mind is an apocalypse and I don't damn care if yours is a dumpster fire

we weren't talking about your pain?

and if you want to,

I can twist then crack that spine of yours I hope that then  you feel so damn terrified you finally remember I relive everything. every. thing.

I think and over the course of it I think you little shit should run off to someone who deserves the echos left from your spine that faltered when it saw

There are two sides to every coin

There are two sides

to every book

Two ends to every rope Two people

in each relationship Each representation of an object Each half of something greater A coin becomes worthless without its other half A fake print Or becomes priceless with a special other half A special edition A book falls apart without both ends Held by string and glue To tell a story all in one piece Now, a rope fails to stay together if one end frays, But it can manage if not placed under pressure But once it's required to support It falters, no matter its original strength Why do you think we fell apart, huh? There's a different interpretation to every art piece But only one meaning the artist intended So why did we assume that our theory was correct? Why do I keep asking questions I know you won't answer? Use symbolism you won't ever see Why do I write every piece about you in some way A fragment of what I lost If I could even consider you lost

There are two sides to everyone You just hid your dark side, And you didn't like my real side

The coin is useless, the rope too weak And the story is missing too many pages

No one will ever understand

what goes inside your mind I've found this, even when I don't hide Personal interpretation Can't translate into speech, words spoken to friends, family, or in therapy Maybe that's why we get so lost Little me, of innocent years Promised themself and my mother That they would never fall apart Think of death, hurt themself, stop eating Why would they, obviously, when they knew what to do? But we get lost, we get stuck trapped in a border of somehow no one's creation Pinned under words we didn't know affected us Scared about dangers we've barely heard of And no one will understand what goes on inside our minds We've found this, even when we try Personal interpretation Can't translate into text, purpose written through story, poetry, novels, or for therapy Maybe that's why I got so lost Older me, fewer innocent years Promised themselves and my partner That they would never fall apart Stop thinking of death, harm, and food Why would they, obviously, when they were cared for? And words sink like weights in quicksand And arise when there's no more room for more They hurt the deep surface below And stop its surroundings' ability to grow The crows sing songs during these seasons

Old cursed, breaking memories singing; "I never thought  I'd love nothing more Than to have a smoldering iron bar Pressing fearlessly into my throat  Than to have my heart and lungs Gutted out with no repeal  Than to Than to Than to..."

And it's over The window closed, The wind won't blow And the door locked, lights out It's over

But I know both of our minds Run like human machines built to break Like spinning cogs burning metal in effort You hide, I'll cry, Both of our minds sigh

It's over Yet stained glass wine bottles Still sing in an echo Our fingertips across half full vases The theatre empty, the applause gone

I was gasoline to an already open fire You let me spill like it didn't hurt Why did you lie? Why did you lie? You know I would have closed the capsule 

I was an arrow through a half healed wound You let me aim, shoot, until you collapsed Why did you die for me? Why did you lie? You know I would have put the bow down

I was a seed in dry desert soil You were an empty watering can Both of us capable Neither of us ready

Neither of us ready Both of us capable You were the stars and galaxies I was an astronomer But you burnt out, I lost interest Why did we lie for so long?

It's okay, we were at fault from the beginning It's okay, But why did you lie? Why did you die for someone like me? You know you could have told me

And I swear I loved... Someone I love someone, and I thought it was you And I know you did too But, my stars, reach out, Never. hold. back.

I hope you find someone who doesn't kill you Someone who will be what you require What you want, need

More importantly Find someone freeing

That soul of yours was built to fly You've got to trust your wings will support you Never. Hold. Back.

Rewind d dt t the seiromeM

Red lights.                                                      lights Red Late nights.                                                 nights Late Read twice.                                                  twice Read Last flight.                                                      First bite.                                                          bite First Read twice.                                                  twice Read Pretty sights.                                            sights Pretty  Just a slight.                                              slight a Just Read twice.                                                  twice Read Blue light.                                                        light Blue Early nights.                                               nights Early  Read twice.                                                  twice Read                                                                           bite Last First flight.                                                     flight First Read twice.                                                  twice Read Sad sights.                                                    sights Sad More than slight.                                slight than More Read.                                                                      Read Twice.                                                                      Why Twice.                                                                      Why Read.                                                                      Read More than slight.                               slight than More Sad sights.                                                    sights Sad Read twice.                                                  twice Read First flight.                                                     flight First  Last bite.                                                           Read twice.                                                  twice Read Early night.                                                 nights Early  Blue light.                                                        light Blue Read twice.                                                  twice Read Just a slight.                                              slight a Just Pretty sights.                                            sights Pretty  Read twice.                                                  twice Read First bite.                                                          bite First                                                                         flight Last Read twice.                                                  twice Read Late nights.                                                 nights Late Red light.                                                          light Red

ʇɹoʇsᴉꓷ

But I'll never be awake derit ton llits m'I dnA                  gninrom otni snrut thgiN ekawa yal I sthgin emoS peels ot tuo ssap dnA      pu yats ll'I sthgin emoS peels ot flesym yrc dnA ni evig ll'I sthgin emoS enon fo ,emos fo ,wen fo ,dlo fO  snoitaerc gnikcilorf gnikcolloP                  aes ta nerdlihc eht ekiL em swollaws dnim fo etats sihT ekawa reven I t'nerA enog saw ti neht dnA eros neve ma I erofeb ssenbmun gnikeeS                 ,erom rof hsiw ylno I tuB niap leef yllanif ot yad a rof hsiw I enips ym fo tuo senip dna skao gnillipS    gnoleb I erehw niaga kcab m'I dna sllac niatruC seye ym desolc sraet eht dna demmid sthgil ehT                  enog saw ti neht dnA I woke up momentarily Rather than sitting in yesterday's glow And I remembered the sun like tomorrow  At least     My vision was clearer than before  I woke up momentarily   seldeen deidoolb gnisu secaf otni dehctits elims A                       yppah os t'nera uoy tegrof I Looking at you talk nrub t'ndid ti uoy gnillet ,niks ym revo aet dellipS     erac yllautca t'nod uoy tegrof I Reading your message again stnemurtsni gniyaws ruo ni seidomer nevenu ruO                      su wonk ew gnittegrof peek I Looking into your eyes shtuom ruo fo kcab eht ni sdrow s'rehto hcaE wenk ecno ew tegrof tsomla I Brushing past your side                      ekawa ton llits m'I tuB derit neve ton m'I dnA     seceip elzzup ekil gnillips sdroW  ekawa yal I syad emoS senecs hguorht gnivom tsuJ                      derit eb ll'I syad emoS  enituor hguorht gnivom tsuJ  enif eb ll'I syad emoS ekawa neve ton m'I tuB derit ton llits m'I dnA                       gninrom otni snrut thgiN ekawa yal I sthgin emoS peels ot tuo ssap dnA pu yats ll'I sthgin emoS     peels ot flesym yrc dnA Some nights I'll give in

Fever

Head is running hot My head burns like an oven Head       burns like an oven My head             hot  My     is runninglike an oven My head unning hot Head       burns  hot       head burns like an My                       hot      oven Head     running      an            ad bur      ike a    o  en H  ad   s    nnin   hot                   ur           t M           run                    ov        d              nlike                             hot      oven In    he         re In     re,              an                  d it h          re             urts In          and        rts     here,           hurts In          and                      it                  ch

Love me

Love me not

Love me

Love me not

Forgive me

Forget me not

Outlive us

Outside of not

Play me

Place me to rot

Care for me

Care for me not

She

Loves me

She loves me not

She

Carries me

She carries me not

She

Knows me

She doesn't know me at all

She

She

I

Loved her

I love her naught

I

Held her

I held her never

I

Hurt her

I hurt her a lot

I did

I did

Forget me

Forget this now

Forgive you

Forgiving you now

Care about

All

Of this mess

We make

Forget

All

Of this mess

We made

Unspoken Now it's broken Record it Record the repeat repeat, repeat, repeat Unheard Now it's dispersed Take it Take the mistake mistake, mistake, mistake m ii s take ake Unmentioned Now its listening To the To the birds sing sing, sing, sing g g s ng Subjective Emotions, they are subjective To change and pressure Like the tectonic plates Spinning wor

ld Impressionistic Mythologies, they are impressionistic To the people and the places Like the history textbooks Reading wo r ds s Why are we different Why is our 'now' so special, special, special? sp e e cial ? Where the ripened apples choose to sit and rot Where the blooming tiger lilies white lotuses choose choose to shine then fade Where the seasonings and spices no, salt and pe pper r choose to blow away in the wind d Never to be used seen, viewed, seen again n n Unclear Now we are here Talking turns Turns into silence silence, silence, silence... decaying into

soundless less 

soundless behavioral space Unhappy pretending it was sappy falling back again and again and again and Until I gave up taking failures like procedures operations, actions, built in plans Forced into routine Like a broken record on repeat repeat rep eat rep   eat re   peat re peat re  e p e   a    a tt t re repe peat Let me go! let me,

let me leave, escape

this place between wordless salvation and silence waiting no one will be helped, saved, only hurt in this world of nonsense

sense, se s n se Unspoken

Now it's broken

Record it, now

Record the repeat

Creased and Unfolded

Paper Stars

I cast my eyes up The sky was glittering It was awe-inspiring to see It all laid out like that Hours pass And I'm still here watching I would stay here Until the sun rose in the morning and the stars hid away I saw them falling I swore I did I decided I needed to save them to save them from fate I caught them falling I swore I did I folded small lines of paper to save them from fate Trapped in the folded lines Their shape portrayed in origami I saved them, I swear I've saved them, I have Jars filled kept in a cabinet I stopped counting at 520 stars, gave those as a gift To my mother 520 more, to my brother "I saw them falling," I told them "I swear I did." We cast our eyes up a meteor shower up above "I folded them into paper to save them from their fate" I'd do it until I die I decided After watching every falling star while my family made wishes I carefully folded and pinched The counted stars "to save them from their fate" I said

Paper Cranes

After the sky went from blue to red to grey ashes choking Everyone we knew She was never the same No one, was A forgotten tale to end a war The people who were starved of life Never heard from again Her nanna told tales told of beginnings, wishes granted Told of saving saving, she heard So she folded friends They would fly around her room Tell her little stories Folded year after year a voice added on top of the many She was told of dreams a bright future where she would be free Of anything and everything curses brought by the enemy the curses brought by the unbeknownst  She created a realm for herself squares of paper folded intricately and carefully Neither and together none the same They would fly in flocks settling in organized lines Families formed a clan, a Senbazuru Many stories, dreams, voices In her head And she kept folding Over and over and She died with the stories The voices, crowds Found family The dreams only knew her ghost still haunted by the blue, then red,  grey clouded skies

Paper Doilies

Flat and laid out He'd looked away What was paper now was a 'magic circle' And while he didn't remember making it It sure made him wonder Quiet and paid out He looked away What was peaceful now was a 'massacre' And he didn't remember causing it It sure made him the villain And he yelled He yelled at them And he cried He cried for them Circle after circle to try and Bring the forgotten memories from the other side Written in the folds Hidden in the twists He was behind A fracture, no, a fraction of pain, suffering And he couldn't remember making him It sure made him wonder Flat and laid out on the table muscle memory And now there was a creation useful origami mathematically proving himself was  hidden behind white flags just to be found after the battlefield cleared Quiet and paid out in his mind When did what was once one become a box of many? He couldn't remember making them But it sure made him wonder

Paper Ryujin

You're wasting your time sitting there scrolling sitting like you're lazy Do something amazing Do something great Show us, show us, show us something anything new, fantastic Wow, You're wasting your time sitting there folding sitting like you're crazy Stop throwing them away Stop trying to be perfect Show us, show us, show us something anything new, fantastic You'll die on this hill, What are you even doing? That's probably you're third and a half try You've sat here for at least an hour What are you doing? You'll die on this hill Sitting there folding and folding then throwing it away Sitting there folding and folding You're so close this time- then throwing it away folding, keep folding Show us something, anything Show us something new! Who taught you to be such a perfectionist? It sure wasn't me Because all I want is what's best Wow, You weren't wasting your time sitting there creating Now you're sitting with this creation No, I don't take it back Show us, show us, show us Something, anything, NEW You're wasting your time again sitting there scrolling sitting like you're lazy, once and done...

Paper Weapons

In the books about our history, father used to Point out the Katanas But I would skim past their blade The Shuriken caught my eye I mimicked it once 'Our history!' I said to father Showing him my folded paper I pointed them out in the books But he would brush it off 'It's not accurate.' I mimicked it twice 'Our history?' I asked father pulling out my sharpened paper I pulled out the stories in the books But he would ignore it It wasn't perfect the third time I bled once, I didn't think, sharpened Paper blades, so small and fragile But so dangerous But it didn't look the same, it never did I looked at how much it needed to weigh Even with two or three stars It never reached the right number on the scale I looked at how long it needed to reach Even throwing two or three stars It never reached the right distance across the room Years passed My father asked, 'Mimicry?' I replied with hidden decency 'Not yet, history unfolds daily' It wasn't perfect the thousandth time I bled twice I didn't see it sharpened Light blades, so cutting and small And so ever dangerous I walked the line of death Weaponry in a playful mathematical nature Weaponry to mimic something I couldn't even remember what Though, In the books about our history, father used to Point out the Katanas But I would skim past their blade The Shuriken caught my eye my fingers, my thigh I sighed, folding yet another cutting device Father would watch in confusion and understanding Though, maybe  he was gone, Behind the wall of what I'd become

Paper Boats

And you're telling me my rights are free, healthy, living? Like flowers on a tombstone, brought up on the cracks left by visitors Unknowingly tearing at a legacy for the flowers, the ivy to grow

Is that what this is? Is that what this is?

And you're telling me my rights are free, healthy, livable? Like mothers during late night shifts, working after hours tirelessly, brought forward only by knowing that their efforts would only be seen through a vibrant new meal for a table of six

Is that what this is?

I'm viable for life, living, free and happy like birds in the sky, flying, soaring high I'm able to live Freely and happily, like the birds in the sky Shot down by tower guards to feed their own young, while nests are left cold, while trees become bare

Is that what you say this is?

Are you really telling me That all this effort These voices, unheard, unknown, silenced, severed.

Are you telling me this is okay?

In what realm can we coexist? No Animal Kingdom can be built and fair No battlefield left hungry and bare No factor for political upheaval 

Is that what this is? My rights are right My life is living My hopes are here Dream hard, young one, dear Don't worry about them don't worry, don't worry! Worry leads to darkness Someone's happy, it could be you!

Is that what this is? Is that what this is??

And you're telling Me, my rights, are free, free, free, free, free Heathens, aren't I, we? Like the pathways of stars, the stories that colonies break apart, constellations change per person Change is readily available Gas in a tank, fuel in a vehicle Petrol to diesel to teslas

Like the pathways of stars, meteor showers, lunar, solar, eclipse Like the rake tearing at leaves Aging, falling Old, fallen Dried and useless Oh, but forget the satisfying childhoods Jumping high into the air Reach the crunch of the surface 

Like the flowers growing in the newness of spring The stones falling apart uncovering dirt, soil something useful 

Molten Lies

If I taste bittersweet It's probably the coffee My morning was hectic calmly watching the clouds pass by If I look tired it's probably the melatonin My night was quiet screaming internally, waiting for sleep If I seem far away It's probably the pills My life is up and down Waiting in silence for the lights off If I taste bitter It's probably the latte Though this morning it was flat I added two more shots and less milk If I look in pain It could be my tears They died in my throat and clogged my mind that night The salt dissolves at my heart If I seem distant It's probably because I'm okay Or at least trying to orient myself around the subject I've found Look, I'm trying, trying And if you can't look at me, don't worry I can't either Your eyes are molten in my mind and bland when I stop being blind My eyes are sunken in the mirror and bland when you stop being blind Look, I'm crying, crying and if you think I'm being dramatic, don't worry, I am So if I feel off, Maybe stop touching my skin I never said you could come in

Theatrical Appearance

I don't mean to seem passive-aggressive But my past is possessive And I'm sorry you can't read my message Ending with a lost obsession But I'll just break the verse Your curse, my hurt Don't forget me, I know I'll forget you And I don't mean to seem assertive at all But my past has dissolved And I'm sorry you can't take a fall Ending it with 'that's all!' Let me just break the verse You're hurt, my curse Won't forget you, I know you'll forget me I don't mean to seem abnormally closed But I've spent all my coins There's nothing in this purse And I'm sorry you can't afford me anymore You were the one who ended it, you fool So I'll just break this curse I'm really tired of being hurt

Tulips and Daisies

And she's written in the walls in the time that talks And she's hidden in the scars in the plywood socks And her tied-up laces And hiked up shirts her baggy pants that cover her green Converse She's written in my world in the areas I'm in She's hidden in the canvas painted in rolled up paper stars in a bag of rose petals on a doodled sticky note And her bowed-up dress blue roses and white leaves And her 'mom jeans' that fit her the best And her waterfall hair defined in gold by the sun And her tied-up places and hiked up shorts her baggy hoodies that cover her green purse And she's written in the walls She's written in the stars And she's hidden in the scars She's hidden in my heart

Seasons Change

Crimson notes will crunch flatulently in my hands And I'll stand and try and withstand the wind The sky is grey and dark, readying for a storm All I do now Is wait without a care in the world The park bench creaks quietly at my seating And I rub my hand across its droplet-sprinkled railing My fingers are now cold in ice, frost, and snow But the way the wind blows, I wonder if I'm lying Chartreuse spiralettes hurry frantically along the path They wander up and down like something will happen Some god is coming to save the poor, daring leaves from their fall Like the stars will stop heaven from falling on earth Like the grasses will stop hell from browning the soil Velvet lipstick runs a textured line across my cheek And I'll sit and try to revisit the end of my throat I'm pretending the sky is visible, I'm trying to match my dress to its vague mess Maybe as my eyeliner travels far above my eye I can at least show up and refuse to cry The storm outside breaks loose, and the clouds spill raindrops and roses, for plenty of buckets to carry Relationships bear heavily on big bottom boats And my heart is a mess, so maybe I'll just see where this goes I'm tired of walking a rhythm in my beige and brown robe But I'll keep going if it means I'll go home

Obsessive and Compulsive

And she said She was there for me only looking out for harm, preventing the pain that would never have to come She said that she was there for me only looking for my interests protecting my frail heart The one never to be broken And she said all these things instead All the words on repeat in my head She said, she said all the reasons to stay in bed all the reasons to leave this world all the reasons to close my eyes, skip a meal, forget my heart, rewrite my scars And she said she would save me That I was lost, that I was lost She said she would save me She said she was on my side, she would protect my eyes My cheeks would stay dry My hands would not know blood My body would never know what it was like to be over the top She would protect my heart from every coming apart My brain, from ever going insane And she said She was there for me only looking out for harm, preventing the pain that would never have to come

Record the Repeat

I crashed, crashed, crashed Everything is black, swirling, scribbles, inside-out I crashed, crashed, crashed Everything is loud, yelling, hurting, inside-out  I'm broken, broken, broken Everything is messy, worry, anxious, outside-in I'm broken, broken, broken Everything is wild, wired, volumed, outside-in I've shattered, shattered, shattered Everything is everywhere, anywhere, nowhere, inside But I'll pretend, pretend, pretend Everything is good, okay, great, outside But I'll pretend, pretend, pretend Everything is perfect, wanted, needed, inside And I'll pretend, pretend, pretend (Loud loud loud loud loud loud loud) Everything is going more than amazing! I'm okay! (no I'm not) I'm okay! (no I'm not) I don't need help! (Stars, don't listen to me) I don't need help! (Don't listen to me!) And now I've crashed, broken, shattered But I have to pretend, pretend, mask Mask it all out, they depend on you, depend, deep end Dive, take the, taking the dive! And I'm so horridly lost Lost for words, lost my terms, lost myself, Forest of lies, black demons, crawling ivy My arms are bloodied in green poison, red rash Forest of forest of forest of My STARS one...two... three...four... four...three two...one... And in the silence I'm a bit freer and the freedom hurts I'm more awake And in the silence I'm not okay, What if I finally admit it now? Before I hurt and lie again? I'm not okay, not okay not okay not not not I'm okay! I am, I promise!

Grief with you still here

And I'm missing you again The romance tropes are getting to my head I long now for the feelings you gave me The ones now replaced with hate I'm missing you differently, like I once did before, before the 8th Back then I could escape, Knowing this was real, it would be real soon I'm missing you now But not even you, who you are now I'm missing who we were once, the people who stood side by side, the people who filled each other's holes I'm missing you in this moment the way your lips found mine with passion You knew what you were doing Even if I was the one who initiated it or the way you held my shoulder or my waist, or my hands You knew what shape to fit and filled it I'm missing that now the feelings you gave me the ones now replaced with hate I don't hate you, I try not to, And I'm sorry you've changed All the stupid words we exchanged, are they true now? I don't hate you, at least I try not to And I'm sorry I've changed All the stupid lies I admitted are they still lies? I don't hate you, I don't I'm so sorry we've changed We aren't us, anymore But if you asked to try again I'd say yes without a thought But follow up and ask for promises that I doubt you would keep I'm missing you. I miss you. I miss you a lot.