I'm too ashamed to post it on my primary blog

Disclaimer 1: This is about the personas projected on the show

I do not know these people. I have never spoken to them. I refuse to read any articles about them. Any information about the real people comes to me against my will. All I see and judge is their characters on the show, which I highly doubt have much to do with the people in real life.

Disclaimer 2: This isn't about shipping

I am not looking at the Taskmasters and Assistants based on their dynamics on the show, or at least, not just on that. Also, I have never read RPF, so I'm not cataloging the fanfics personas. I am looking at each character on their own terms.

Disclaimer 3: I have seen more of these characters than others

I only watched the first couple of seasons of Kongen Befaler, and none with Bård Ylvisåker as the Taskmaster, so I have no idea how Olli has developed. I did watch more of Bäst i Test (season 1, 8-10) so I should be good there, and I watched all seasons of Taskmaster UK/NZ/AU, Le Maître du Jeu, and Stormester. As for the other versions, I either haven't watched them or have watched too little to remember them. Sorry folks, but you will never get me to watch a second episode of Dicho Y Hecho.

And now, without further ado, let's get to the motivations!

Greg Davies

-Submissive or Dominant? Greg Davies will never escape the Teacher energy. He's absolutely the fun teacher, the one who's not that interested in bullshit like "the syllabus" or "meeting the national standards," the one who comes to class on Thursday morning wearing sunglasses and slinking in the shadows, but he's also a teacher. You will not speak back at him. You will not raise your voice on a Thursday morning before the aspirin starts working. We can all have fun, as long as you behave.

-Breedable or Unbreedable? Are you crazy? He likes kids, but that doesn't mean he wants them. He has enough of them at work.

Alex Horne

-Submissive or Dominant? Alex has a carefully crafted submissive image that could only come from a complete control freak. He desires to be subservient and holds you in utter contempt for your failure to respect that. All he wants is to have a good time, but you fuckers keep forgetting what spiders actually look like.

-Breedable or Unbreedable? This is one of those times where I have to reiterate that I am looking at the personas these people are projecting and not the actual people they are in real life. I know Alex has two children. But does Alex Horne The Assistant have breedable energy? No. He's a liberated, kinky fuck who's here to have a good time.

Olli Wermskog

-Submissive or Dominant? You may think it's odd for an Assistant to rank so highly on Dominant. If you do, that's because you have not watched Kongen Befaler. Olli is a quiet, imperturbable presence in the show, watching the shenanigans with an unshakable smirk. That's noteworthy because in spite of the Nordic countries being known for Safety and shit, their versions of Taskmaster is more likely to involve fire with seemingly no oversight from health and safety. Nonetheless, Olli stands there looking as though he'd calmly walk away from an explosion. He may be an Assistant, but that's just because he wants it that way.

-Breedable or Unbreedable? A better question is, can you imagine anyone having the guts to try and breed him? I can't.

Atle Antonsen

-Submissive or Dominant? You cannot break him. You cannot influence him. The only thing working in your favour is that he wants to be entertained. Maybe, if you dance well enough, he will give you five points.

-Breedable or Unbreedable? He'd make you fight for the right and then tell you that was real impressive what you did out there, but unfortunately he's not really interested in the experience. Oh well, better luck next time!

David Sundin

-Submissive or Dominant? Look, You People Who Have Only Seen Taskmaster UK, you probably think of Assistants and you think of Alex hitting the contestants with some withering remark. You think of him needling Sophie Duker, and you go "damn, what a sassy bitch." Well, I want you all to know that compared to David, Alex is sweetness personified. While Alex is generally There and occasionally Sarcastic, Davis is generally An Impish Little Shit and occasionally Actively Unhelpful. You can bribe David, but you will never get him to be subservient. I love him, by the way.

-Breedable or Unbreedable? I am fully convinced that even if you could breed him, he would instantly abort that thang.

Babben Larsson

-Submissive or Dominant? Babben is in control. Babben knows what is going on. Babben has a job to do, and she does it effortlessly. In the disclaimer I said that I did not rank the Taskmasters and Assistants based on their dynamic, and that's absolutely true. However, the best way to show just how in control Babben is is to tell you that she has absolutely no problem dealing with David.

-Breedable or Unbreedable? This woman is busy. Get the fuck outta here with that thing.

Mark Le Fêvre

-Submissive or Dominant? It's not so much that he's submissive, it's just that he's eager to help. Look at this man's smile as the contestants poke fun at him. Look at him giving the occasional hint. Is a golden retriever "submissive"? Also fun fact, "Le Fêvre" is French for "beautiful cinnamon roll too good for this world, too pure."

-Breedable or Unbreedable? He's not against the idea and he's willing to settle down with the right person, but it's not his main concern at this time.

Lasse Rimmer

-Submissive or Dominant? Lasse has the sort of self-assurance that comes from a lifetime of telling everyone he's the smartest person in the room and being able to successfully clap back when challenged. I'm sure that if Lasse were to be defeated in a battle of wits he'd turn into dust, but for now he remains unbreakable. His weakness is that he is secretly a softy. You want to bend his will? Either sing a sweet song or show him a puppy.

-Breedable or Unbreedable? Doesn't care, didn't ask, and wouldn't consider it for the likes of you anyway.

Antoine Vézina

-Submissive or Dominant? Mark Le Fêvre and Antoine Vézina have very similar energy in that they both look like they're delighted to be involved. No contestant truly wants to be actually mean to them, no one is moved to genuine anger, and that's good because all insults are just water off a duck's back with them. The true difference between the two of them is that Mark Le Fêvre has the energy of a dog that would bounce around excitedly if you were to fake throwing a ball, while Antoine Vézina is the guy fake throwing the ball for his precious puppy.

-Breedable or Unbreedable? It's not at the top of his To Do list right now, but when the time comes you know he's gonna nest.

Louis Morissette

-Submissive or Dominant? There are people on Reddit right now who loudly complain every time Greg Davies hands out five points to every contestant. I assume that one episode of Le Maître du Jeu sent all of those people to an early grave. Louis Morissette can be easily convinced to give out pity points and yes, I do mean points, because there are episodes where he gave contestants who should have been disqualified TWO whole points. The only thing that makes him dominant is that he does not take well to being challenged. Make him laugh and you'll never see a zero; try to fight him and he'll remove whatever pity point he ever gave you.

-Breedable or Unbreedable? Louis Morissette is the modern day version of a princess throwing a rose to her favourite knight at the joust. Very mindful, very coquette.

Tom Cashman

-Submissive or Dominant? Similarly to Mark Le Fêvre, Tom Cashman also has dog energy. Unlike Mark, Tom has more in common with a St Bernard He has big eyes and an endlessly serene disposition. He's not exactly excited to be here, but he think it's sweet you invited him. He'll help you out if you ask him and suck your nipple if you really, really want him too, but you get the impression he's doing it because he doesn't really have better things to do and this suits him just fine rather than genuine pleasure.

-Breedable or Unbreedable? He's really flattered and he thinks you're such a sweet guy, but he's not interested in that sort of commitment.

Tom Gleeson

-Submissive or Dominant? Whatever your question is, his answer is 'no.' Why? Because you need to remember who's boss, that's why. You need to be quiet, and meek, and grateful, and if that means you have to be taken apart piece by piece, then so be it. Fuck you.

-Breedable or Unbreedable? First of all, how dare you. Second of all, the only way a fetus gets to grow inside of him is if it pays him rent.

Jeremy Wells

-Submissive or Dominant? A misspent youth and turbulent young adulthood have led to a quiet, mature gentleman. He has seen it all. He doesn't judge, or at least, doesn't really show it. You may not agree with all of his choices, but you cannot say there's no logic to them. He's capable of cutting the bullshit, but all in all he's a reasonable authority figure that's always willing to hear you out and give you a chance.

-Breedable or Unbreedable? Look, buddy, of course you'd like a bit of this sexy piece of meat. He's flattered, really. But if you wanted a fling, you're twenty years too late. Maybe back in the day you could have gotten him pregnant behind the local chip shop, but nowadays the magic will only happen in his comfortable king size bed with silken sheets, and if you want to see that, then you need to make yourself into the sort of person he wouldn't be ashamed to be seen walking next to.

Paul Williams

-Submissive or Dominant? Paul Williams has created a persona that somehow manages to have nothing to do with what he actually looks like. For example, I'm pretty sure that the actual Paul Williams is legitimately tall with normal size blue eyes that do not constantly sparkle. However, if I had to give his description to a police sketch artist he'd probably end up showing me something like this

Paul Williams the Assistant is a quiet, soft spoken twink who will do anything you ask him to as long as you ask nicely. His few moments of mischief exist only to remind you of how submissive he is in every other moment of his life. He makes sure to keep a serious face most of the time because his smile is a beam of light that could bend the strongest of men.

-Breedable or Unbreedable? Paul Williams the Assistant is the whole reason why we're even having this conversation right now. Do you think I would normally consider how submissive and breedable people are? No, I would never. This is not the kind of monster I used to be. It was Taskmaster NZ that made me the wretch you see right now.

I resisted it, you better believe me. I laughed the first couple of times Paul Williams the Assistant was made to give birth as part of a task. But then it just kept happening. This man just kept giving birth, and he got compliments about it, and even people on the show started noticing that he kept giving birth, and what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to stop it? I'm tired and old and I am not immune to propaganda.