All my life I haven't been emotional, its normal for me to push things down and deep in the back of my mind and not think about it but every now and then a certain thought slips through concerning my gender identity. I label my discomfort and my sudden and brief depression as dysphoria. I don't get dysphoric as often or as extreme as some other FTM and that's okay but lately it's been acting up again. It comes and goes but its always in the back of my mind making itself known that it's still there like some sort of virus. I was talking to my girlfriend online when all of the sudden it hit me out of nowhere. My stomach feels like an empty pit and I just don't want to go on and I wish everything was simple but it's not and I feel like its not fair. I get angry and I get sad. I think about transitioning a lot but then I think about where I'm going to get the money and how I'm going to get it in the first place when I'm 15 and I can't even fell my mother.
I told her once, once and I will never bring it up again. It was so horrible I wrote it in a note and for months I kept hinting at getting a binder but she simply ignores me. She encourages me to dress like a girl and wear girly things and I get so mad that I have to storm off in the middle of the story out of embarrassment and fear I'll say something I'll regret. She tried telling me that I felt this way because my father had recently died. I didn't want to talk about that part of my past so I let her think what she wanted and she wanted to get me a blood test to see if my hormones were in balance. As far as I know hormone imbalance has nothing to do with this feeling that I'm not who I am. Right then I wanted to tell her about my memories as a child that when I went to bed I hoped and hoped that I'd wake up in a boy's body. I think I actually prayed (which for those who know me know that I'm -200% religious) It scares me so much thinking about telling my friends, which I have told two. Again they write it off as nothing. One who was supposed to be my best friend would only say my chosen name is a mocking tone. It makes me believe this is my fault for not correcting or reminding them but they're my friends and family right? Should I have to remind them? Is that my responsibility to constantly repeat things I don't even want to hear myself like saying (I'm not a girl...ect). It's tiring and I just can't do it because I feel bad when I do because I feel like I'm burdening them with this fact about me. Hell I'm even afraid to come out to people online sometimes because of bad experiences with another ftm who repetitively told me I wasn't trans* (aka Trans* enough). This doesn't even mention work, or having kids, or surgery and how I'd pay. It stresses me out so much I just want to lock myself in my room, curl up under the blankets and sleep, sometimes praying I didn't wake up. But every time I watch Skylar Keleven's videos I get so inspired and it makes me think I can do this transition and I can make it. When I watched his videos I noticed how alike we actually are and I can't express how much hope he gives me, that I'm not alone, and it is possible
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