Take What Is Left Of Me

Double whammy:

Not the nice kind in a pretty bag or paper.

At this present moment in my life.

It ain’t pretty. And I think I decided to come back to tumblr because I need an outlet. I need a place to write things down. I don’t care if anyone see’s it, or doesn’t care about it at all. I just need to let it out.

My grandmother died 2 weeks ago. And I’m fucked up from it. I saw her take her last breath and I’m not okay. I can’t stop seeing it. Hearing it. Feeling it. I’m so angry all the time, I’m so sad, and depressed and constantly anxious. I hate everything.

I’ve been struggling with my depression and anxiety for months. But when she died, I never knew I could feel worse than I already did.

How could anyone ever survive such a dark place? Such a cold, empty, lonely place? I have friends and family, sure. But I’ve never felt so alone. I’ve slid razors across my skin before, and still never felt like this.

I’m a mother, a wife. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I shouldn’t ever want to hurt them like that, But all I can think of is how horrible I am, how shitty I am, and that they would be better off. Selfish right? Right. But how do I survive this? I can’t live like this anymore.

I’m in agony. I’m in pain all the time...I am in a constant panic. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I can’t. It’s killing me. And I feel horrible because I know what I’m feeling is wrong. And it would kill my loved ones. But I don’t know how to get better. And if I don’t get better soon, I’m not going to be able to hold on. This is pure torture.

I just want to know what happened to me... Back in 2017, I rediscovered myself, I learned to love and respect myself. I was strong, independent and happy. Confident. I knew what I wanted, I set goals... I was the best I had ever been, I worked so hard on myself. But I don’t know that woman anymore. I haven’t seen her in a hot minute.

I want her back, I’ve done nothing except gain weight, stack up more debt, get more behind in life.... and I’m dragging my family down with me. I don’t know man, but this shit is something else and I just need to get out.

I can’t believe I haven’t been on tumblr in over 2 years....

Sorry to the followers who actually paid any attention to me.

Well, recap:

Ryan and I got back together. Aubrey is 4 now, in pre-k. We live on our own now. I am back in a salon.

That’s about it....

It’s been awhile Tumblr. My life kinda took a turn and I have been busy adjusting to raising Aubrey on my own. Yep. You read that right - I’m a single mom now. I told Ryan I wanted a divorce in March. But he’s been “away” since February. I started questioning everything in January though.

At first it was hard. I was losing my mind. My parents helped me so much. And I had friends watching Aubrey when I worked. I managed to get Aubrey in daycare with the help of a program, it was another adjustment that both Aubrey and I weren’t ready for, but she loves it now! We moved from Salem to Danvers at the end of May. It’s better for us. My aunt lives here now and Aubrey and her are developing a nice relationship.

I work at Olive Garden now, my first serving job and it’s not too bad. Very busy, lots of work, but it is the first time in a while that I have been able to pay my bills and save money while providing for Aubrey. And doing it alone, it feels amazing. I’m proud of myself.