Little Secrets

Bored and lonely

Definitely too old for this shit.

Housing is a mess. 

Living is a mess. 

Had a stressful day today, studying for multiple exams I have tomorrow and whatnot. Currently suffering from an overwhelming sense of apathy and lack of interest in coursework. It reduces my effectiveness but hey, no one is perfect. Anyways, I come into the house and talk to a few people, then I go to get a drink. Come back, I do a light shoulder tap into one of these guys. Let's call him Zack.

Zack tends to be considered a funny, popular dude because he is witty and entertaining. In my experiences, he can be like that, but he also is one of my main bullies in the fraternity house I live in. He does not treat me with as much respect as he does other people, and he consistently belittles me and ridicules me and my personality. While I may have deserved some of the shit I get (I am by no means a perfect individual and am willing to admit that), throughout my time as a member of my fraternity, this guy has been trouble. 

So tonight, I bumped into him. He takes it as (semi) mock offensive and proceeds to start shoving me. At first it was just light-hearted shoving, which I easily could push back or get away from. After a few shoves, it grew into some more serious and forceful pushes that left me struggling, considering I am a lighter and thinner dude. He was trying to force me to a trashcan, which I did not want to end in. All the while, he is saying some distasteful things, but besides the point. At this time, I am getting fed up and spin away from him, stumbling. While I am spinning, I grab one of the dining hall chairs and lift it up, intending to use it as a defense to push it away from him. I had no intentions to hit him or anything. I swear. Nevertheless, my off-balanced nature and the spinning made me swing my arm up and bring the chair to his face. It lightly taps him (as far as I can tell, he was not injured in any significant or possibly even minor way), but his attitude does a complete 180. This intimidating, possibly hostile dude now is shocked and appalled.  "What the fuck are you doing man, you're messed up." I try explaining to him how I am not angry or anything and didn't intend to touch him, but he just keeps going on about how fucked I am while backing away from me, eyes wide. 

This bothers me socially because he he will no doubt tell others about how I am  a weird/messed up/awkward/a fuck-tard (semi-common term)space cadet, and people will believe him. One of the HUGE downsides to living in a fraternity house is the interfraternal politics, which are naturally based off of popularity and likability. Don't get me wrong, I am as friendly as the next guy and more often that not, even friendlier. However, among these kids, I am pushed around because I don't act like them. And no one trusts someone whose an outsider. I am treated like an outsider, which hurts me. 

Don't die.

Don't kill yourself.

Don't hate the people around you. Chances are, they hate themselves all ready.

Don't hate yourself. 

Do love yourself. 

Do forgive yourself.

Do forgive others.

Don't worry about the future.

Do worry about the present.

Do give back. 

Don't give in.

Don't fall asleep.

4:59 AM

Random thought occurred into my brain.

Why is it that people sleep to reduce stress, when oftentimes stressors can only be dealt with when one is conscious? When I sleep, more often than not my stress is only postponed because I know that I cannot avoid what aggravates me. I feel constantly plagued by school work, girl friend issues, future issues, insecurities...it cannot be avoided.

Nevertheless, I wouldn't mind a little sleep.

that's starting to piss me off. 

I am not unaware, I simply choose not to be aware of meaningless bullshit.

Nevertheless, it gets annoying when people call me a space cadet (now at a fairly often pace).

Depression is developing, has been developing, and will develop.

To conclude, enjoy this song that really hits home. It's a long one, but some of the best need a bit of listening.