toxic!hollis x fem!reader smutshot ! mdni
about: after a devastating breakup, the last person you expect to obsess over is your ex boyfriend's best friend. hollis knows exactly what he is: a bad decision. he tells you from the very beginning that he won't love you, won't stay and will only leave you emptier than before. but sometimes being wanted feels better than being lonely.
this fic is heavily inspired by ♪ fill the void — the weeknd ♪
authors note: there was an itch i desperately needed to scratch. enjoy my angels, i love u <333
"i’m so sorry, y/n. but i’ve felt this way for months. i just didn’t know how to tell you… that i’m not in love with you anymore."
his words still echoed through your head.
your boyfriend - no, your ex boyfriend - had spent months pretending there was still love left. pretending there was still an us while lying awake beside you every night, wondering when and how he was finally going to tell you it was over. all those futures you’ve imagined suddenly reduced to dust. gray. meaningless. dead.
you’d gotten lucky and found a place of your own pretty quickly. not big but modern. large windows. a small kitchen. enough room to hide away and somehow get over the last three years. at least that’s what you kept telling yourself.
all you had left to do was pick up the rest of your things from your old apartment and then that was it.
and now you were standing in front of your old front door. the nameplate still carried both your last names and immediately your eyes started burning again.
fuck. why did it have to end like this? why couldn’t you be happy for once? he’d been made for you. so loving. so beautiful. so... him.
but you’d become boring to him. like a toy that suddenly loses its appeal the second a new one appears. he didn’t have someone new tho… right?
with trembling fingers you pressed the doorbell and heard the familiar shrill sound from the other side. the mailman. pizza deliveries. your parents. his parents. you’d opened this door for all of them before. and now you were standing on the other side of it. it felt so wrong.
you heard footsteps. a second later your ex was standing in front of you. "hi y/n." - "...hi" you tried to smile. the kind of smile that said:
i’m handling this breakup great. you mean just as little to me as i clearly meant to you.
lie. a huge lie. the hole in your chest felt enormous. almost a void.
"come in. i put your stuff together on the dining table." he stepped aside. "oh, perfect. thank you." you walked into what used to be your home.
"nice to see you y/n." a deep voice suddenly spoke from the couch. flat. unbothered. it could only be one person. you glanced toward the sound and immediately rolled your eyes.
your ex boyfriend’s best friend sat exactly the way he always did: sprawled across the couch like he owned the place. one arm stretched across the backrest. legs spread. black hoodie. golden rings. those messy blond hair strands. completely unbearable. his eyes drifted over you for a second before returning to his phone like he couldn’t care less.
your blood instantly started boiling. god. him. of course he was here. ever since you and your ex had gotten together, hollis had somehow always been around. sitting on the couch. showing up uninvited. dragging him out to bars. bringing different girls to parties so often that you'd stopped trying to remember their names.
he was everything you hated. superficial. arrogant. the kind of guy who treated relationships like temporary entertainment until something newer walked into the room. and somehow your ex adored him.
the two of them had always made absolutely no sense to you. your ex had been kind. thoughtful. the type of person who remembered how you took your coffee and texted you when you got home safely. hollis was... hollis.
all sharp smiles and pretty words. the type of guy who could make you feel insulted without ever technically saying anything insulting. sometimes you wondered what they even talked about when they were alone. and now, standing here after getting your heart ripped out, an ugly thought suddenly pushed its way into your head.
what if he'd had something to do with it? what if all those nights out together had turned into conversations about you? what if hollis had been the one sitting in his ear, telling him he was too young to settle down? that he could do better. that he was wasting his twenties. that his girlfriend had become boring.
your stomach twisted. maybe that wasn't fair. maybe it wasn't true. but looking at hollis sprawled across the couch like he owned the place, it felt true enough.
"hollis, hi." you immediately looked away before something passive aggressive slipped out by accident. instead, you started gathering your things from the dining table. a few books. some clothes. all the random pieces of your life that had somehow remained behind because they belonged to the apartment. until now.
you swung the heavy bag over your shoulder. "i think that's everything. thanks for putting it all together." your ex gave you a small smile. there was guilt in it. he knew you too well. knew every little expression on your face. knew exactly when you were pretending to be okay. and right now he knew you were hurting.
"do you wanna stay for a drink?" his gaze dropped briefly to the bag hanging from your shoulder. "or should i help you carry that to your car?" you shook your head before he could finish. "let's not make this any weirder than it already is." for a moment he just looked at you. then he nodded. "alright." a second later he pulled you into a brief hug. "take care, y/n."
fuck. no. don't cry. don't cry. don't cry. his cologne. his warmth. his arms around you. your heart shattered for what felt like the thousandth time this week. because this was it.
this wasn't one of those fights where you'd both cool off and find your way back to each other. this wasn't temporary. this was the end.
and somehow you already missed him while he was still standing right in front of you. the realization hit like a punch to the ribs.
this might be the last time he ever holds you like this. the last hug while still loving him. the last time you'd be allowed to pretend, even for a second, that everything was okay.
your eyes started burning immediately. shit. you pulled back before he could notice, quickly brushing a tear from your cheek.
"yeah," you managed quietly. "you too." then you grabbed your bag and headed for the door. he wasn't going to see how badly this was destroying you. and hollis definitely wasn't going to see you cry.
"come on, you can’t keep hiding forever." your best friend sounded playfully annoyed through the phone. you grinned despite yourself as you absentmindedly continued putting things away around your apartment.
"oh yes i can. and i fully intend to." - "nope. absolutely not. you’re coming out with us tonight babe. you need a distraction." you rolled your eyes. "i have zero desire to go out and i don’t need a distraction."
a brief sigh came from the other end of the line. understanding, but still annoyed. "okay. i’ll send you our location anyway and if you change your mind, you can join us whenever. seriously. whenever."
you nodded to yourself. "yeah okay. thanks. but i really think i’m spending tonight at home." you nervously bit down on your lower lip. "that’s okay babe. take care of yourself. i’ll come over tomorrow and we can get food together or something?"
that sounded better. "...i’d like that." a small giggle. "then i’ll look forward to seeing you tomorrow." - "have fun tonight. tell everyone i said hi or whatever." - "i will! love you." your lips curved slightly upward. "love you too." another giggle. a dramatic kissing sound into the phone. then the call ended.
it was sweet. really sweet. the way your best friend kept trying to drag you back into the world. trying to fight your sadness for you when you couldn’t quite manage it yourself.
but a party wasn’t going to fix this. the music. the crowd. the sticky heat inside some packed club. the alcohol. it sounded less like a distraction and more like a complete disaster waiting to happen. and honestly? you already had enough problems.
the evening arrived faster than expected. you'd spent most of the afternoon unpacking the last pieces of your life from cardboard boxes. books onto shelves. clothes into drawers. little things that made the apartment feel slightly less empty.
it didn't work. the place still felt unfamiliar. like you were just borrowing someone else's life for a while. eventually exhaustion caught up with you. you changed into an oversized shirt, brushed your teeth and crawled into bed far earlier than you normally would have. maybe sleep would help. maybe if you slept long enough, tomorrow would hurt less.
the apartment was quiet. too quiet. for a few minutes you simply stared at the ceiling. then you rolled onto your side. the side you'd always slept on. the side facing him. your stomach twisted. because there was no him anymore. no warm body beside you. no familiar breathing. no sleepy "goodnight" mumbled into the darkness. nothing. just cold sheets.
you squeezed your eyes shut. instantly your brain betrayed you. movie nights. lazy sunday mornings. his hand finding yours beneath restaurant tables. his laugh. his smile. the way he'd pull you closer in his sleep without even waking up. every memory felt sharp enough to cut. you opened your eyes again. fuck.
before you could stop it, a tear rolled down your cheek. then another. and another. suddenly you were crying. really crying. the ugly kind. the kind that made your chest hurt. the kind that left you gasping for air between breaths.
because he wasn't coming back. because tomorrow morning you'd wake up alone. and the morning after that. and the one after that too. no text messages. no good mornings. no sleepy kisses. just you.
the realization hit all over again and you buried your face in the pillow as a sob escaped your throat. god. this hurt. it hurt so much.
by the time the crying finally slowed, your eyes felt swollen and your head was pounding.
the room suddenly felt too small. too quiet. too full of him. you reached for your phone. you'd been lying here for almost an hour. sleep wasn't happening.
another glance toward the empty side of the bed. that did it. you sat up immediately. you couldn't stay here. not right now. not with your thoughts.
with a groan you pushed yourself out of bed and headed toward the kitchen. maybe getting out for a few minutes wouldn't magically fix anything but sitting here crying yourself to sleep clearly wasn't working either.
you opened the fridge. and immediately regretted it. an open jar of olives, a few soft drinks. absolutely nothing that qualified as an actual meal. you stared at the shelves for a moment before letting out a hollow laugh. right.
when had you last gone grocery shopping? when had you last eaten anything that wasn't purely out of obligation? your stomach twisted unpleasantly.
suddenly it hit you that you'd barely eaten all day. maybe not even yesterday either. no wonder you felt like shit. exhausted. dizzy. emotionally unstable enough to cry over an empty side of a bed.
your eyes drifted toward the clock on the microwave. 11:39 pm. too late for the grocery store. great. for a second you considered giving up and going back to bed. but the thought of lying there alone with your thoughts made your chest tighten immediately. no. absolutely not.
the gas station around the corner was still open. they always had sandwiches. snacks. random overpriced food. and honestly? a ten minute walk sounded a lot more appealing than another hour spent staring at the ceiling. so you threw on a loose jacket over your crop top, slipped into your slippers, grabbed your wallet and keys and headed for the door.
it was 11:53 pm when you arrived. neon lights. questionable people hanging around the pumps. and the brightly lit building itself, glowing against the darkness like a tiny island of artificial life. at least something still had color these days.
the automatic doors slid open. you stepped inside. the familiar chime above the entrance rang softly and the cashier briefly glanced up before returning to whatever show was playing on his phone.
you wandered through the aisles without much purpose. a sandwich. a bottle of water. some random snacks. not because you were hungry. just because you knew you should probably eat something. your body felt like it was running on fumes.
eventually you found yourself standing in front of the candy shelves. and just like that, your heart broke all over again. your fingers tightened around the basket.
movie night snacks. his favorite chocolate. the sour candy he'd always steal from you. stupid little things that suddenly felt impossible to look at. every shelf seemed filled with reminders. every brightly colored package carried some stupid memory attached to it. him.
the person you no longer knew anything about. what he was doing. how he was feeling. whether he regretted any of it. whether he missed you at all. or if he'd already moved on.
a tear slipped down your cheek. you quickly wiped it away. god. pull yourself together. you grabbed the first chocolate bar within reach and turned around. straight into someone. a solid chest. warm. broad. the impact wasn't hard, but enough to make you stumble.
"fuck, sorry." the apology left your mouth automatically. then you looked up. and immediately wished you hadn't. oh, for fuck's sake.
hollis. of course it was hollis.
because apparently the universe had decided this night wasn't humiliating enough yet. he stood there with his hood pulled loosely over his head. messy blond strands spilled out beneath it. his black eyeliner had smudged slightly throughout the day, framing his eyes in a way that somehow looked intentional. gold chains rested against pale skin. rings decorated nearly every finger. expensive cologne lingered around him. dark. annoyingly good.
he looked less like a normal person and more like some kind of beautiful warning sign. the type of man every mother warned their daughter about. the type of man girls ignored that warning for anyway. which was probably why there was always some new girl laughing at his jokes before the previous one had even disappeared.
his eyes drifted over you. slowly. taking everything in. the swollen eyes. the tear stains. the oversized jacket. the sweatpants. the slippers. humiliation immediately crawled up your spine. not him. literally anyone but him.
a slow grin appeared on his face. there it was. that look. the one that made you want to commit a felony. "damn." his gaze lingered on your face. "as i can see you're handling the breakup really well." your jaw tightened instantly. "go fuck yourself." he laughed. "there she is." you hated him. genuinely. deeply. with your entire soul.
his gaze dropped briefly to the collection of random snacks in your basket before returning to your face. "midnight gas station run?" - "what gave it away?" the grin widened. "the fact you're standing in a gas station at midnight."
you rolled your eyes and tried stepping around him. only for something to slip from your hands. the strawberry chocolate bar hit the floor. the sound was stupidly small. but somehow it was enough.
your vision blurred immediately. seriously? you squeezed your eyes shut. not here. not now. not in front of him. but the lump in your throat was already growing. your chest tightening all over again.
it wasn't about the chocolate bar. it wasn't about the gas station. it wasn't even about hollis. it was everything. the apartment, the empty bed, the breakup. the fact that you couldn't even buy snacks without crying anymore.
a shaky breath left your lips. shit. you immediately looked away. humiliating. fucking humiliating. for a second neither of you moved. then hollis bent down and picked up the chocolate bar. when he straightened again his expression looked different. still hollis. but different. less amused.
he held the bar out to you. you took it with trembling fingers. "thanks." your voice sounded awful. you hated that he heard it. you hated that he saw it. you hated that of all people it had to be him.
he looked at you, then exhaled slowly through his nose. "fuck." you laughed bitterly. "yeah. thanks." - "that's not what i meant." another tear slipped down your cheek. you wiped it away immediately. then another. and another. great. now you were crying in a gas station.
hollis stared at you for a second. then muttered something under his breath. "come here." you blinked. what?
before you could even process the words, a hand settled against your shoulder. gentle. guiding. and suddenly you were standing against his chest. your entire body froze. because... what? what the fuck? this was hollis. hollis.
his arms settled around you almost automatically. like he wasn't even thinking about it. safe. which made absolutely no sense. you could smell his cologne again. feel the steady rise and fall of his breathing. for a second you should've pulled away. you knew that.
instead your eyes squeezed shut. because you were exhausted. because everything hurt. because fighting him suddenly felt harder than letting it happen.
"hey." his voice was quieter now. you hated that it sounded nice. "it's okay." another sob caught in your throat. his hand moved once across your back. slow. "i know." your face burned. this was a nightmare. a weird fever dream. or maybe you'd finally lost your mind. because somehow he was comforting you. and worse: it was working.
after a moment he rested his chin lightly against the top of your head. he was annoyingly tall. "i'm driving you home." you frowned immediately and pulled back just enough to look up at him. "what?" - "i'm driving you home." - "i can walk." - "i know." - "it's ten minutes." - "i know." - "then why-"
his eyes rolled. "because i'm not letting you walk home like this." you opened your mouth. closed it again. he glanced toward the windows. toward the darkness outside. then back at you. "it's midnight." his gaze flicked toward your swollen eyes. "and you're a mess." - "wow." - "you know what i mean. and your ex would kill me if he found out i let you walk home crying at midnight."
you stared at him. still confused. still suspicious. still convinced this was somehow a prank. but mostly just tired. so unbelievably tired. the thought of walking home alone suddenly sounded a lot worse than getting into a car with hollis. which was probably the strangest thing that had happened all week.
five minutes later you were sitting in hollis' car. somehow. which was ridiculous. if someone had told you yesterday that you'd spend your friday night crying into hollis' hoodie before letting him drive you home, you would've laughed in their face.
now you sat in the passenger seat of a car that probably cost more than your entire apartment. neither of you spoke much. the city lights drifted past the windows while soft music played somewhere in the background.
every now and then you caught yourself glancing around the interior. black leather. expensive. spotless. very hollis.
your gaze drifted toward the back seat and immediately you regretted it. because now your brain was doing that thing again. how many girls had laid back there? how many names had he forgotten the next morning? how many had thought they were special?
beside you, hollis rested one hand lazily on the steering wheel. completely relaxed. like tonight had been the most normal thing in the world. the silence wasn't awkward. somehow it was worse. because neither of you acknowledged what had happened. and before you could get trapped in your thoughts again, the car slowed. you blinked. already?
your apartment building stood right in front of you. the drive had passed far quicker than expected. hollis shifted the car into park. "made it." there he was again. the hollis you knew. dry. unbothered. as if he hadn't been holding you twenty minutes ago.
you looked down at your hands. "thanks." he gave a small nod. "try eating something." your eyes lifted. "seriously." - "okay mom." the corner of his mouth twitched. and just like that, the moment was over. no emotional goodbye. no more conversation. no weird lingering look.
you grabbed your things and climbed out of the car. when you looked back once before entering the building, his headlights were already disappearing down the street.
"he did not." your best friend stared at you in disbelief from across the table, chopsticks frozen halfway to her mouth. "he did." you shrugged. "i don't know why either."
as promised, she'd come over today and the two of you had ordered chinese food. most of the afternoon had been spent gossiping, laughing and talking about literally anything except your breakup.
but eventually you'd told her about last night. about the gas station. about hollis. and unfortunately, the whole thing had stayed in your head a lot longer than it should have. mostly because it made absolutely no sense. hollis had never been nice to you before.
"if you ask me?" your best friend pointed her chopsticks at you. "he wants to fuck you." you nearly dropped your fork. "what?" - "i'm serious." - "no." - "yes." - "absolutely not." she rolled her eyes. "y/n, the man is an idiot with an ego the size of a continent." - "he's also my ex's best friend." - "and?" - "and he's not gonna risk that."
your best friend laughed. "you think a guy like hollis spends his evenings thinking about consequences?" - "he doesn't even like me." - "oh please." she leaned back in her chair. "the guy barely waits five minutes after you're single before comforting you in a gas station and driving you home." - "i was crying." - "exactly." - "people comfort crying people."
your bestie just stared at you. "not hollis." okay. fair. you opened your mouth. closed it again. because annoyingly enough, she had a point.
"i don't know." you stabbed your noodles a little too aggressively. "it doesn't matter anyway." your best friend sighed. "okay." she pointed her chopsticks at you again.
"before we change the subject, i need you to promise me something." you immediately narrowed your eyes. "that's never a good start." - "promise me you won't get involved with him." you nearly laughed. "what?" - "i'm serious, y/n."
the amusement had disappeared from her face. "you're heartbroken. you're vulnerable. and hollis is..." she grimaced. "...a player." she leaned forward slightly. "that man is emotional poison." you rolled your eyes.
"nothing is going to happen." - "good." - "seriously." - "good." her expression softened. "you need to heal." the words landed a little heavier than expected. "you don't need some arrogant asshole distracting you from that."
for a moment, you looked down at your food. then nodded. "nothing's gonna happen." your best friend seemed satisfied with that. thankfully, there was plenty of gossip from last night's party to distract her with before she could interrogate you any further.
it was already dark outside by the time you said goodbye to your best friend. she pulled you into a long, tight hug. "text me if anything's wrong, okay?" you nodded. "and don't let some fuckboy drive you home again." you laughed. "yes ma'am." she pointed a finger at you. "i'm serious." - "i know." finally, she blew you a dramatic kiss. "goodnight!" - "goodnight."
a second later the door closed. and just like that you were alone again. the silence settled almost immediately. heavy. your chest tightened. there it was again. that awful feeling. the anxiety. the emptiness. something gnawing at you from the inside out.
you needed a distraction. immediately. so you grabbed your phone and collapsed onto the couch. your eyes briefly drifted toward the takeout containers still sitting on the coffee table. you should probably clean those up. eventually.
after getting comfortable beneath the blanket, you opened instagram and started scrolling through your feed. one post, then another and another. until a red notification suddenly appeared. a new like. you frowned. what? your last post was weeks old. curious you tapped the notification and immediately felt your pulse quicken.
you blinked. then again. your thumb immediately tapped his profile. no, it was definitely him. and the post he'd liked was almost six weeks old. how the hell had he even found it? probably an accident.
instagram did weird things sometimes. maybe he'd been scrolling. maybe he hadn't even meant to like it. but... he'd never interacted with any of your posts before. not once.
and before you could stop yourself, your thoughts were already spiraling. his name on your screen. his voice. the feeling of his arms around you. your best friend's words immediately echoed through your head. he just wants to fuck you. you groaned and dropped your head back against the couch. "absolutely not." because that was ridiculous.
hollis could have whoever he wanted. there always seemed to be some new girl ending up in his bed. some new girl convinced she'd be the exception. some new girl waiting for a text that probably never came. why would he suddenly be interested in you?
and yet his attention lingered in your mind far longer than it should have. because as much as you hated admitting it, his presence last night had felt good. comforting. safe.
and hollis was many things. but safe wasn't supposed to be one of them. it didn't help that he looked the way he did either. the messy blond hair. the dark eyes. the stupid jewelry. the kind of face people wrote songs about and made terrible decisions for. you hated that too.
hated that he was hotter than you'd ever willingly admit out loud. hated that your best friend might actually have a point. the more you thought about it, the more one thing became painfully obvious.
every time your mind drifted toward hollis, it drifted away from the breakup. not completely. just enough. enough to breathe. enough to survive another evening. the ache in your chest softened. the memories grew quieter. and for a little while your ex stopped being the center of every thought. it felt wrong. but it was addictive. like replacing one problem with another.
what you didn't know was that people like hollis were very good at staying in someone's head once they'd gotten there. and judging by the fact that you were lying on your couch thinking about him instead of your ex, he already had one foot in the door.
the next few days weren't any better. even tho you hadn't seen him again and he hadn't appeared on your instagram since, somehow he was still there. in your head. which only made everything worse.
because there was nothing between you. nothing real. no flirting. no messages. nothing that should've justified how often your thoughts drifted back to him. and yet they did.
maybe because your heart was still searching for something to hold onto. something steady. something safe. and as much as you hated admitting it, the way he'd looked at you that night had stayed with you. the way he'd wrapped his arms around you without hesitation. the way he'd simply decided you weren't walking home alone. like it wasn't even a question.
it had gotten under your skin more than you wanted to admit. those thoughts remained yours tho. buried deep where nobody else could see them. there was no way in hell you were telling anyone that barely a week after your breakup, you were thinking about your ex boyfriend's best friend. even in your own head, it sounded awful. wrong.
you kept trying to convince yourself it wasn't a crush. that you were simply confused. vulnerable. lonely. but every time you opened instagram, there was that tiny flicker of hope. maybe another like. maybe a message. something that proved you hadn't imagined it all. something that proved the comfort you'd felt that night had been real.
but there was nothing. and the days blurred together. grief. missing your old life. missing the person you'd thought you'd spend years with. long nights. too much thinking. and somewhere underneath all of it a growing curiosity toward something you knew you shouldn't want.
something forbidden. and maybe that was exactly why it was so hard to ignore, because once you'd had a taste of the distraction you couldn't stop wanting more.
talking about distractions, your best friend had finally managed to convince you to come to a party. one of her neighbors was throwing a house party. parents away. rich parents. huge house. cool people. free drinks. at least that was how she'd sold it to you.
and after far more convincing than should've been necessary, you'd eventually agreed. partly because sitting alone in your apartment clearly wasn't helping. and partly because you desperately needed something to get a certain blond idiot out of your head.
so now the two of you sat in the back of an uber, dressed up for the first time in what felt like forever. your best friend was busy touching up her lipstick while you watched the neighborhood pass by through the window. expensive. that was the first thing that came to mind. large gates. luxury cars. houses that looked more like small mansions.
"damn." you raised an eyebrow. "these people have money." your best friend laughed. "who knows? maybe tonight you'll meet your dream man." you already didn't like where this was going. "a rich one," she continued. "then the old one will be forgotten in no time."
you shot her a look. she immediately winced. "right. too soon." - "way too soon." - "sorry, babe." her voice softened instantly. and just like that, the conversation died. thankfully. because thinking about him still hurt. more than you wanted to admit.
a few minutes later, the uber pulled up in front of a massive white house. your eyes widened slightly. "holy shit." - "i know." your best friend practically bounced in her seat. after thanking the driver the two of you climbed out.
she clapped her hands together excitedly. "i'm so happy you're finally coming out again." a grin spread across her face. "i missed this." you smiled. "first stop?" she held up an imaginary glass. "drinks." - "drinks." and with that the two of you headed inside.
an hour later, you were actually having fun. which felt strange. almost wrong. but good. you'd said hello to friends. met a few strangers. found the drinks. found the dance floor.
and for the first time in days your thoughts weren't constantly circling the same things. outside, people gathered around tall tables beneath strings of lights. a huge pool reflected the glow from the house. inside, the music was loud enough to shake the floorboards. whoever had gotten control of the aux deserved an award. every song somehow hit.
after a few drinks, everyone was singing along. dancing. performing like they were on stage. it was exactly what you needed. then the front door opened. again. probably for the hundredth time that evening. your eyes drifted toward it automatically. just another group of strangers. that's what you expected. instead, your entire body went still.
fuck. hollis. and standing right beside him, your ex.
suddenly the music didn't feel quite as loud anymore. the two of them stepped inside together. apparently they knew the host. she immediately threw her arms around hollis. then around your ex. you honestly couldn't decide which part bothered you more.
"hey." your best friend was suddenly beside you. "you okay?" her gaze followed yours. immediately understanding. "oh my god." she grimaced. "the deluxe package." you grabbed your drink and raised it toward her. maybe it was the alcohol. maybe it was pride. maybe both.
"fuck them." your best friend immediately clinked her glass against yours. "that's my girl." she seemed genuinely relieved. like she thought you were finally moving on. unfortunately she celebrated a little too early.
because the second she looked away, your eyes wandered back toward the entrance. and immediately found his. hollis had already spotted you. his gaze locked onto yours from across the room. dark. unreadable. the kind of look that made your pulse spike for reasons you'd rather not examine too closely.
for a second, neither of you looked away. then your ex noticed you too. unlike hollis, he smiled. warm. familiar. and gave you a small wave. you lifted your hand automatically. waving back. pretending everything was normal. pretending your heart wasn't doing weird things inside your chest.
when your eyes drifted back to hollis, you found exactly nothing. he'd already turned away. one arm casually draped around the host's shoulders while she laughed at something he'd said. of course. of fucking course. that was the moment you decided to stop looking. because whatever this thing was? it was starting to feel a lot like selfdestruction.
a few hours and a few drinks later, the party was still going strong. you and your best friend were laughing about the dumbest things. old stories. inside jokes. random conversations with random people.
shots appeared out of nowhere and somehow everyone kept ending up with one in their hand. the vibe was good. it should've felt easy. carefree. except your eyes kept searching for him. which was ridiculous.
because if you were looking for anyone, it should've been your ex. but it wasn't. every time your gaze wandered across the room, it searched for somebody else entirely. and it drove you insane.
because whenever you found him there was always some girl nearby. laughing. touching his arm. leaning into him. and whenever you couldn't find him your imagination became even worse. where was he? who was he with? what was he doing?
then you'd force yourself back into whatever conversation was happening around you and take another sip. that had been the entire evening. and the worst part? not once had he looked your way. not once.
the thing at the gas station. the car ride. the hug. it suddenly felt like something you'd imagined. like it had never happened at all. eventually, you gave up. a heaviness settled in your chest. another loss. stupid. because this wasn't even real. nothing had happened between you. nothing existed. and somehow it still hurt.
"i'll be right back." you forced a smile at your best friend. she was halfway through another shot and grinned immediately. "hurry back." she pointed dramatically toward the living room. "our song is coming on!" you laughed weakly. "i will." then you disappeared into the hallway.
the second you were alone, the tears started burning behind your eyes. fuck. the alcohol made everything worse. harder to ignore. by the time you reached the bathroom, your vision was already blurry. you slipped inside and locked the door behind you. immediately. then you crossed the room and braced both hands against the sink. your head dropped forward. and everything finally broke.
the breakup. your ex. hollis. the loneliness. all of it. sobs shook through your chest. mascara stained your cheeks. your hands trembled against the porcelain. it hurt. god, it hurt. and somewhere outside those walls, the two people responsible for most of it were simply living their lives. as if nothing had happened.
eventually a knock sounded against the door. once. then again. your eyes squeezed shut. somehow, before you'd even moved, a part of you already knew. ridiculous. impossible. and yet you knew. you quickly wiped your face. attempted to look normal. failed miserably. then unlocked the door. the second it opened, you froze.
those dark eyes found yours instantly. and just like that every plan to squeeze past him and pretend you were fine disappeared. for a moment neither of you spoke. his gaze moved slowly across your face. your red eyes. ruined makeup. swollen lips. every piece of evidence.
before you could react he gently pushed the door open wider and stepped inside. it clicked shut behind him. your heart stumbled. immediately you retreated toward the sink again. distance. you needed distance. your eyes fixed on the floor.
"there you are." his voice was quiet. you didn't answer. "was starting to miss those looks." your head snapped up. what? something flickered across his face. amusement.
"don't look so surprised." he leaned against the door. "they weren't exactly subtle."heat rushed into your face. "i don't know what you're talking about." - "sure." his gaze lingered on you. "those eyes were practically on fire."
your stomach dropped. he had noticed. every single time. slowly he pushed away from the door. one step, then another. until suddenly he was standing far too close. you hated how quickly your pulse reacted. hated how easily he affected you.
hollis looked down at you for a moment and whatever he saw made something soften briefly in his expression. "poor thing." the words were barely above a murmur. his fingers brushed against your cheek, wiping away a streak of ruined mascara. his touch felt unreal. and just like that every rational thought disappeared.
the second your eyes met his, hollis knew. he'd been right. exactly right. there you stood in front of him like a wounded lamb. sweet. innocent. desperate for something to hold onto. and he was prepared to give you everything. everything except love.
the corner of your mouth lifted slightly. his grin softened. "what?" you shook your head. the alcohol had made you far too honest. your heart felt strangely safe. seen. before you could stop yourself, the words slipped out.
"i missed you." his eyebrows lifted. "really?" one hand came up to cup your cheek. the other rested beside you against the sink, fingertips brushing your hip. you let out a disbelieving laugh. "fuck, hollis..." you searched his face. "what are you doing here?" - "wanted to see how you were doing." your smile faded. "after ignoring me the entire night?"
that familiar ache returned to your chest. your eyes shimmered again as you looked up at him. without saying anything, his thumb brushed another tear from your cheek. "i'm here now."
somehow, the fact that he'd arrived with your ex had completely disappeared from your mind. all you saw was him. you studied his face. impossibly beautiful. impossibly close. god... his presence felt so good.
"but you'll leave again." - "and then?" your hands rested against his chest, fingertips absentmindedly tracing the fabric of his shirt. "then i'm alone again."
a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. he hadn't expected to have you wrapped around his finger this quickly. but there you were. looking up at him exactly the way he'd imagined.
"you were alone before me too, angel." your expression faltered. more tears gathered in your eyes. "what do you mean?" - "you said you missed me." he tilted his head slightly. "for that to be true..." his thumb slowly brushed across your cheek. "...you would've had to have me first." his gaze never left yours. "and you never did."
it felt like a knife straight through your chest. then another. and another. your knees almost gave out beneath you. before you could lose your balance, both of his hands settled firmly on your hips, holding you upright. his eyes dropped to your lips. yours followed. only for a second. then back to his eyes. uncertainty. desperation. yes. no.
before you could decide, he closed the distance. your back met the edge of the sink. your arms instinctively slipped around his neck. his lips found yours. certain. like he was leading the kiss instead of asking for it. a quiet groan escaped him as he deepened it.
then suddenly his hands lifted you with effortless ease, setting you onto the bathroom counter. he stepped between your legs without breaking the kiss. your mind went completely blank. everything disappeared.
it felt less like kissing someone and more like taking a drug. the rush that spread through your body was unreal. when he finally pulled away, you blinked at him in silence. whatever he'd said before, you'd already forgotten.
he noticed the confusion on your face immediately. one hand returned to your cheek. "i know you're using me to fill the void inside you." his voice was quiet. "and i know how good it feels." you frowned. "what?" - "but when this wears off..." his thumb brushed gently across your skin. "...it's only going to hurt more."
he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss against your forehead. one last stroke across your cheek. then he stepped back. and left.
you remained sitting there in complete silence. unable to tell whether your chest was burning from the high of his kiss, or from the cruel truth he hadn't even tried to soften.
and that was where it all started going downhill. when your best friend had found you again a few minutes later, she'd never suspected a thing. she'd been too busy dragging you back onto the dance floor. too drunk to notice the mascara still smudged beneath your eyes. too happy to see you smiling again.
she'd assumed you'd simply cried over your ex. you never corrected her. because how were you supposed to explain any of it? you barely understood it yourself.
the days that followed became strangely quiet. there wasn't another like. no message. no accidental run-in. nothing.
hollis disappeared as suddenly as he'd appeared. and somehow that only made him louder. he was everywhere.
in your thoughts. in every song that reminded you of that stupid bathroom. in every moment you caught yourself reaching for your phone without even realizing why.
the breakup slowly slipped further into the background. it was still there. still hurting. but it no longer occupied every waking second. something else had taken its place. or rather, someone.
you kept replaying the kiss until parts of it no longer felt real. his hand against your cheek. his voice. i know you're using me to fill the void inside you. you'd gone over those words a hundred different ways. trying to decide whether they'd been cruel or kind. somehow they managed to be both.
every evening followed the same routine. dinner. shower. bed. then your phone. not because you expected anything. because you hoped. a notification. a like. his name. anything.
there was never anything. and that almost felt worse. because now your own mind was doing his work for him. every night, the urge grew a little stronger. just text him. what's the worst that could happen?
your thumb would hover over his profile. then pull away again. no. your best friend's voice echoed through your head. he's emotional poison. she was right. somewhere underneath all the longing, you knew she was right.
hollis wasn't safe. he wasn't comfort. he wasn't healing. he was a distraction that felt dangerously close to becoming an addiction. and every day, saying no became just a little harder.
you managed to resist it. for days. every night, you'd talk yourself out of it. put your phone down. tell yourself you'd feel stupid in the morning. remind yourself that your best friend had been right. that he wasn't good for you. that whatever this was, it wasn't going to end well. and every night, somehow, you'd survive it. until tonight.
tonight something inside you finally gave out. you were sitting on the floor beside your bed again. knees pulled against your chest. tears running freely down your face. your breathing uneven. your heart aching so badly it almost felt physical. the apartment was silent. so painfully silent.
the loneliness wrapped itself around you until it became hard to tell where it ended and where you began. there it was again. the void. darker than ever. and for the first time you couldn't find your own way out of it.
before you could stop yourself, your hand reached for your phone. your vision was blurred from crying. somehow you still opened instagram. somehow your thumb found his profile without thinking. somehow you were already staring at your empty chat. your fingers moved before your head could catch up.
his reply came almost instantly. so fast it made your stomach turn. as if he'd been expecting this. expecting you to break.
your chest tightened. not i miss you. not i need to see you too. somehow that hurt. and yet the thought of not seeing him hurt even more.
2hollis: this is a really bad idea
2hollis: come here. or do you want me to come to you?
you didn't even hesitate.
three little dots appeared almost immediately.
2hollis: don't ask me for things you're not ready for
your thumb hovered above the keyboard for only a second.
this time his answer came without delay.
suddenly your pulse was pounding in your ears. your heart felt like it was about to burst. you'd invited danger itself into your apartment. late at night. you'd broken the promise you'd made to your best friend. because in just a few minutes he'd be standing in your doorway.
you hurried around the apartment, trying to make it look at least somewhat presentable. then you disappeared into the bathroom. a quick shower. lingerie. loose clothes thrown over the top. casual. effortless. at least that was the goal.
in reality your messages had already given you away. hollis could probably see straight through you now. you were glass.
before the panic had the chance to fully settle in, there was already a knock at the door.
your breath caught. so this was real. behind that door stood the beginning of your end. you knew that with terrifying certainty. and somehow he felt like a drug anyway. his name alone had become something dangerously close to a spell.
you walked to the door and pulled it open. there he was. towering over you. one arm resting casually against the frame. his attention fixed entirely on you. too attentive. too intense.
those dark eyes stripped you bare before either of you had spoken a single word. suddenly you had no idea what to say. every part of you was screaming for him. "hi... y/n." his voice was low. calm. exactly the way you remembered it. hearing your name in his voice made something inside you melt all over again.
"thanks for coming." he smiled faintly. "you invited me." then he stepped past you into the apartment. "i knew this was how it'd end."
he shrugged his jacket off and tossed it over one of your dining chairs before slowly looking around your apartment. his eyes weren't admiring the place. they were evaluating it. deciding where he wanted you first. by the time they found you again, he'd already chosen.
"do you... want something to drink?" the question sounded awkward the second it left your mouth. you both knew that wasn't why he was here. the silence between you already carried the truth. you just weren't brave enough to acknowledge it yet. every step toward him felt like another step toward your own destruction.
hollis settled onto your couch as if he'd done it a hundred times before. then he looked up at you. slowly he patted his thigh. "you know i don't want a drink." you swallowed. then walked over. the moment you reached him, his hands settled firmly on your hips and pulled you onto his lap.
instinctively, your arms slipped around his neck. you needed this. needed him. your lips instinctively searched for his. but just before they met he leaned back. leaving the smallest distance between you.
"you know i'm going to break you." his voice was quiet. honest. a shiver immediately ran through your body. "yes, i know this is a bad idea." he nodded once.
his lips hovered just in front of yours. barely brushing them whenever he spoke. "and you know i'm never going to return your feelings." your eyes immediately filled again. your chest tightened. but none of it surprised you. you'd known that from the beginning.
"...yeah." your voice was barely audible. "i know." his hands slid from your hips to your waist, pulling you impossibly closer until there was almost no space left between you. "then close the distance." his eyes never left yours. "and i'll give you everything you need to fill the void... for tonight."
you blinked. he'd laid every card on the table. there were no lies. no false promises. no pretending. he'd given you the choice. whether you wanted to accept the price.
but you needed him. so so badly. every part of you was screaming. your heartbeat thundered through your body. his fingers dug firmly into your waist. and finally you closed the distance, knowingly signing the most painful contract of your life.
he immediately pulled you against him, kissing you so deeply, so consuming, his tongue slipping into your mouth right away, tangling with yours. his hands slid beneath your shirt, pulling it over your head. his eyes lingered on the black lace bra hugging your body, your hardened nipples visible beneath the fabric and his gaze darkened even more.
"fuck, y/n." his lips brushed your collarbone before traveling lower. one arm kept you securely on his lap while his other hand tugged your bra down just enough for him to wrap his lips around your nipple. a quiet moan escaped you and he looked up at you with pure hunger in his eyes.
"so fucking beautiful." the sight did something to him. beneath you, you felt him getting hard and it drove you insane. the craving. the need. you wanted him so badly. your hands clung to his broad shoulders as you slowly started grinding against him, chasing every bit of friction.
it was intoxicating. the first time you heard a moan leave his lips. he sounded so fucking good and all you wanted was to hear it again. he enjoyed every second of it, leaning back slightly to watch you. both of his hands rested on your hips, guiding the way you moved against him. you felt so desired. so seen. he knew exactly how to make you feel good.
"enough." his voice came out low. he grabbed you and stood up with ease. your hands disappeared into his hair, your swollen lips leaving dark marks along his neck, making sure that, for however long this lasted, he was yours.
once you reached the bedroom, he laid you gently onto the bed. he kissed you deeply one more time before straightening up, his movements suddenly becoming agonizingly slow.
"how many times have you thought about this, hm?" the sound of his voice alone made you melt. "it's even better than it was in my fantasies." a knowing smile spread across his lips. "take your clothes off for me, angel." it wasn't a request. it was an order.
there wasn't much left to take off anyway and within seconds you were lying naked in front of him on the bed. exactly the way he wanted you. his eyes roamed over your body with undisguised hunger. "you make it so fucking hard to resist you."
you reached for him but he gently pushed you back against the mattress. "touch yourself for me, baby. i'll give you everything you've been fantasizing about." and fuck, you wanted to. you needed to. the ache between your legs had become unbearable.
as your fingers slowly began circling your clit, his found the hem of his shirt, pulling it over his head with practiced ease. more and more of his skin came into view. defined muscles. pale skin. those gold chains resting against his chest. the sight of his bare torso alone made your pussy clench and he noticed.
"fuuuck..." he breathed out, his voice low, clearly fighting the urge to pounce on you right then and there. your fingers moved faster. your eyes dropped to the v-line disappearing beneath his pants, then followed his hands as they reached for his belt.
he unbuckled it. slowly. too slowly. he was teasing you and he had every bit of your attention, exactly the way he wanted. then he undid his pants and pushed them down together with his boxers. your lips parted. his hand wrapped around his fully hard cock. he was big, veiny, already throbbing at the sight of you.
everything about him was even better than your fantasies had ever been. slowly, he climbed back onto the bed and hovered over you. the ends of his hair brushed against your sensitive skin as he propped himself up on his strong arms beside you. his eyes locked with yours. pure longing. "i'm gonna make you feel so good now." his voice was barely above a whisper. "do you want that?"
you cupped his face in your hands and nodded. "yes. please... please hollis." one of his hands drifted lower but instead of taking what he wanted right away, he did something you hadn't expected.
he slowly brushed the tip of his cock over your clit, coating himself with your arousal before dragging it through your folds. a soft moan escaped you. he kissed you at the same time. slowly, gently, almost lovingly.
"you sound so pretty, angel. let me hear you." his voice was like honey. again and again, he stroked over your clit, making the ache to have him inside you grow stronger with every pass. then a small grin spread across his face. he grabbed your hips, and before you knew it, you were sitting on top of him, looking down into his eyes.
"i'm all yours, baby. take whatever you want. i'll give you everything." goosebumps spread across your skin. the way he looked up at you was so intense. his cock rested between your thighs while his hands traced over your body with impossible care, as if there were real love behind every touch. you almost believed it. if he hadn't warned you beforehand.
you kissed him again, desperate to memorize every part of him, while wrapping your hand around his cock and slowly lowering yourself onto him. a brief sting. you gasped softly and his hands immediately settled on your hips, steadying you, guiding you down inch by inch. a deep groan slipped from his lips.
once he was fully inside you, you stayed there for a moment, not moving yet. instead, you kissed him desperately, taking in his lips, his face, the way his eyes never left yours, trying to memorize everything, because tomorrow none of it would be yours anymore.
then you finally began to move. having him inside you felt heavenly. every slow motion sent another wave through your body and you were already tightening around him. a few more whispered words, a few more gentle touches, and you knew you'd completely fall apart.
he covered your body in kisses, worshipping every inch of you and little by little you felt yourself losing your mind.
his hands rested on your hips before one slowly slid up to your throat, wrapping around it just enough. not out of violence, but out of control. even though you were the one on top, he was still the one holding all the power. a moan slipped from your lips.
"oh... you like that?" another breathless sound escaped you. "fuck. yeah. i thought so." he felt the way you tightened around him, how the sight of him alone was enough to make your knees weak.
while you rode him, his hands slowly found your wrists. he guided them behind him until they rested against the headboard and you held on instinctively. his lips brushed your ear. "you're gonna cum for me now, angel."
one hand slipped between your legs to your clit while the other stayed firm on your hip. "stay just like that." you obeyed, not moving at all. then he started thrusting up into you from beneath. hard. harder. faster. his fingers moved perfectly in time with every thrust.
"does that feel good baby?" - "fuck... fuck... yes, hollis. yes." he didn't let up. he kept pounding into you, making every sensation stronger until it felt like heaven. closer. closer. fuck. so much closer. your moans became desperate, needy.
"cum with me, baby." his voice was strained now too. he was just as close. your arms began to give out, your whole body trembling and that was exactly when he pushed you over the edge.
your head fell against his shoulder as your orgasm crashed through you and he wrapped his arms around you, holding you tightly. "that's it... let go, baby. fuck."
a moment later he came too, buried deep inside you. his cock twitched as he held you against his chest, impossibly close. he pressed a kiss to your shoulder while both of you struggled to catch your breath.
"the way you fuck..." he murmured in that rough, exhausted voice, "i almost fell in love." the words reached you through the haze. almost. they still stung. but you didn't care.
you cupped his face and kissed him again. in that moment, everything felt so real. the emptiness inside you disappeared for just a little while. you'd never felt so alive. never so in love. never so wanted.
he smiled up at you, tired and soft, before gently laying you down beside him. he pulled you into his strong arms while your breathing slowly settled. but little by little, reality found its way back. you traced your fingers gently along his arm.
"are you staying the night?" he kissed your shoulder. "of course, angel." he pulled you even closer before whispering against your skin, "but when you wake up... i'll be gone." and there it was. the truth.
the bitter truth that it had all been an illusion. you suddenly became afraid of falling asleep too soon, because every passing minute meant less time with him. and even while you were still lying safely in his arms, you had never felt lonelier.
he'd been right. he'd even warned you. but he'd chosen you. he wanted you. he had chosen you... to fill your void.
didn't proofread this at all i'm tired af but i really wanted to post it <3
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