lost

when sadness was an aesthetic and egocentricity was a mode of living. want badly to put this blog to rest so i will be documenting elsewhere now appropriately on a blog that i had always promised myself i’d start

I can't believe I revealed something so personal like that because I hate myself for allowing myself to feel vulnerable.

Lol i feel stupid

She told me she didn’t want to be called pretty and i thought how odd of her but now oh what i’d give to be called funny, caring, ambitious, exciting anything but pretty

Before, I used to adopt the opinions of my parents and force them as my own but as I grow older I form my opinions at the expense of my relationship with my parents.

It's exciting because all these upcoming decisions I have to make will determine which direction my college experience will take.

I like that I'm able to break away from relationships or situations that prove detrimental to me. But I can't help but wonder if my decision to avoid uncomfortable situations will only reduce the extent to which my relationships can develop.

I constantly try to picture myself from outside the bubble. But I don’t think it’s healthy bc it leaves me so hesitant and cautious—and then I’m barely living.

You talk about people like windows of opportunity and it makes me more hesitant to dismiss them completely. But apart from that I’m not afraid to burn ties with people who do me no good and who have hurt me in the past.

i often look for comfort in the unreliable

I hope as I grow older music doesn't become any less relevant to me.

You know what really sucks about being stuck in this limbo state of two colleges is watching everyone around you figuring things out and getting situated. People are already posting on roommate search pages, researching dorms and I can't help but feel stressed out. The posts serve as not only a reminder of how behind I am but also how my situation can go either way. And while I could be using this time to research and learn more about what the college offers I can't help but think I'll only be more hurt in the end. I don't want to get too excited or attached about it if it's not yet for certain. And so as I scroll through the posts I can only think the time will come. Sooner would be better though.

The problem is you want to be everyone’s go-to.