Lone Wolf

I cannot wait to pass my boards. I genuinely cannot wait for a consistent work schedule so I can fall into a daily routine but using my free time to genuinely enjoy myself. When I was in school, itd be 3-7 hours of classes, an hour of cooking and eating for myself, then too exahausted to think of studying but forcing myself to. I know working for a majority of my day will eventually get tiring but I can’t wait to be able to get home and turn my mind off from work and do whatever I want to whether it’s just knock out in my pillow, bake stuff w my mom, play video games, draw, write, etc. I want that.

I had so many things on a list to motivate me to study and here’s some I can think of off the top of my head right now haha:

1. Take tae kwon do classes w my BFFs

2. Learn Japanese w Shivani

3. Write again & step out of my comfort zone and do at least one open mic this year

4. Create art and share it to the world

5. Be a part of a positive community and make new friends

6. Learn to be okay with doing things alone and overcome my anxious thoughts of trying new things and meeting new people

7. Read at least one new book a month

I should be studying for my boards but fell sick the past week. The last 3 days in particular were tough because I tried to study. I’d read PDFs, listen to audios/videos of the topic I was studying, did some practice questions… but nothing seemed to stick. I was reading words but not understanding what I was reading. prior to those days, I didn’t study and tried to tell myself to rest in order to feel better to study.

I beat myself up constantly and set such high expectations on myself to do and be better then break down what things get hard. I tried talking to friends who’ve taken the same exam and told them the scores I’ve been averaging and they’ve told me the scores are good, if not higher than some of theirs. But I still feel like it isn’t good enough. I’m sleepy but still rambling and making no sense right now.

I’m tired of always putting so much of myself into everything to get half ass effort in return

searching the spark

for the woman I worked so hard to be

for the woman who started to feel free

she had a taste of freedom

what it was like to be her own

she cried in peace, with no one to please

danced through the floors as she was blown

from music of those and her own

a square footage of peace

that always put her mind at ease

with a new list of responsibilities

that still, never hid any possibilities

I grieve for the woman I worked so hard to be

signed a letter of condolence to no addressee

I know she is somewhere near

waiting for the all clear

to come out once again

with no abstain

and no refrain

free from pain