forea

You tell me the reason why you always ghost me is because he feel like you’re powerless around me. That you feel weak and that you need me. He’s just afraid of the pain that he’ll feel if I never end up leaving billy for him. I know deep down, I’ll never leave billy even if I did love alpit. I know my future is better with billy, and alpit isn’t mature enough for me yet. 

I’m thinking about breaking up with you. Our sex is dead, our spark is dead.

For some reason I’ve been thinking about you nonstop even though it’s been three weeks since we last said a word to each other. Why did I catch feelings for you. I don’t think I even have feelings for you. I’m just so attracted to you. I also think I want you because I know I can’t have you. You are better off with ivanna, but what does she have that I don’t. I’m so much better than any girl you’ll ever meet. I need to just focus on billy. I love him so much, but I can’t deny how my mind is always 24/7 thinking about you. I’m obsessed with you right now. God I hate this. 

Ever since I cheated on billy, I’ve been drinking nonstop. This is how I stay guilt free. I’m suppressing all the bad that I’ve done, but it doesn’t help that I keep doing bad. I almost had sex with alpit yesterday, and by almost I mean, his dick was inches away from penetration. i didn’t do it, bc i know alpit doesn’t like me like that. he only likes me sexually. he likes this new girl named ivanna now, which is funny bc he would’ve never started liking her if we did it right in the first place. he only started talking to her to get over me. what kind of fucked up situation is this. i don’t want to like alpit, and honestly, i don’t think i have any feelings for him in the first place. i just feel empty. i just need something to fill the void inside me. i need to stop fucking everything up.

This whole thing was a mistake but for some reason I barely feel any guilt (or I’m really good at suppressing it). How come you spent the whole weekend kissing me, and telling my how beautiful I am, and once you got what you wanted you completely cut me off? I want to say something to you, but I don’t want you to laugh at me for catching feelings. jesus christ. I keep replaying the way you dominated me in the shower. God that was so hot. I loved how you just pushed me up against the shower, and make me succumb to you. But I need to promise myself never to see you again. God. fuck I think I caught feelings. 

you always confuse me, you make me panic