simulacrum

— alternatively: my thoughts on yerin as a performer. a lq critique on her dancing & addressing the commentary on her lazy dancing / performance and how that came to be.

(word count: 613)

✂ - - - - - - -

that’s why she’s invited yerin to her home—it was pretty rare for her to have guests—and tried to lay out this environment where she could be free to speak about everything she wants to. however, she doesn’t want to start out with that, so she decides on a more lighthearted topic. “so is another acting job not in the future for you yet? i mean, you were amazing as yurim, i feel like you would have had tens of scripts waiting for you afterward.”

@fmdyerin / 💙

yerin thinks a lot about validation — how she tended to associate it with spotlight glow and fans screaming her name in public spaces. she thinks it differs from recognition — how much softer the word felt against her skin, the flare of warmth that spreads from inside out at the sound of a loved one calling her name; how despite all the years she’s spent honing her invisibility skills, she could never truly be just a blur in the crowd to those that mattered.

hyojung was a surprise. a variable she’d missed when calculating how to survive at the tender age of fifteen in an industry she wasn’t exactly prepared for. she hadn’t been optimistic about making friends. (playing pretend nice was about the extent of her rusty social skills. she was hardly an ecstatic conversationalist even as a dark horse trainee. more content to prove her worth than to curry favors and broaden her network.) choosing to maintain her reticent image proved a herculean effort when all around her were chatterboxes and people drenched in color, glamorous and shiny, so blinding yerin had felt suffocated.

it wasn’t until she met hyojung that she felt seen in a way she never expected. similar in age and eliciting a sense of comfort only felt within her own family, yerin had slowly melted over time. with hyojung, she’d found security and a shoulder to lean on. even through the pain of a shattered dream and countless rejections, hyojung had been one of the few who remained steady, a pillar of wisdom and reassurance as yerin braved storm after storm. to this day, her friend remained a lifeline she grasped whenever she sought a moment of reprieve, eager to step away from life as candy’s leader or rising idol actress hong yerin. and here in the safety of hyojung’s apartment, she could just be herself. no frills, no masks, no pretense.

“you’re saying it like i make my schedule and choose to spend half the time im awake up in the air.” minhee says, waving at the ceiling to make his point obvious. there is no malice in his voice, because he has heard that line one too many times and honestly he isn’t upset. polaris was at their highest high, it was normal that their company wanted to capitalize as much as possible. they just had to suck it up.

“free food is always the best i agree.” he simply says, following yerin’s steps in looking through the menu. it felt oddly familiar yet new he wasn’t entirely sure what he should even order. “spicy?” he clicks his tongue, nose scrunching. he hasn’t had proper spicy food in ages, he isn’t sure he can handle it, but hey, doesn’t hurt to try? “tteokbokki and buldak?"minhee asks as he raises his gaze from the menu.

her smile melts into a ghost of a smirk as one eyebrow lifts in mocking nonchalance. “well, you know what they all say: money makes the world go round. it does buy happiness. however temporary a feeling it may be.” there’s an almost distinct playfulness borne out of long-time camaraderie built upon years of growing up pains and shared adulting woes. it’s reminiscent of the rare times when she could afford to be more carefree, less tact and more raw honesty. 

✂ - - - - - - -  

“it’s really late, i’m r-really sorry i don’t know-” it’s new, to stutter like that, mind racing a million miles per second. it’s the stutter that forces him to inhale, but he thinks its closer to a wheeze than an inhale. this is bad. really bad. bad. bad. bad. “i’m a mess right now-”

she wallows in the gaps between his silence and the ragged pieces of truth he lets pierce through and wonders what she could do to stymie the bleeding and cauterize whatever wound seemed to be festering. was there enough room for her to swim through his hurt, for her warmth to penetrate, when he was already this far gone?

yerin listens to him cry and something in her twists painfully. her body shakes with a grief so violent, she gasps at the force of it. concave lungs and a hollowed out heart are but byproducts of secondhand sorrow. the tragedy of always feeling too much coupled with an innate, almost helpless, desire to heal and help made it impossible not to sob with him. 

courage is sucking it up, willing her breath to steady itself so she could manifest enough strength to lift them both up from the depths of co-dependent misery. “who do i have to put a curse on via voodoo doll for upsetting you?” who turned you into an animal, resorting to hands and blood and violence, primed for attack but vulnerable on all fronts? what has stripped you bare and made you all claws and teeth and feral? her voice lowers to a soft wistful murmur, cadence slow and strung like a neverending lull. 

“don’t apologize.” she soothes, as if approaching a wounded tiger, gentle enough to convey no harm, but firm enough to broker no doubt that she was here to stay. “do you want to talk about it?” 

✂ - - - - - - -

“anything in particular that prompted this thought?” 

there’s something about the quality of conversations that arise out of the blue — where off-hand comments would veer off course and tread into uncharted territories. something about the way her mind latches onto miniscule details and tangential half-formed thoughts tickles yerin in a way that scripted small talk doesn’t. she doesn’t know where this unusual plume of roundabout self-reflection came from but doesn’t disdain it. perhaps, this is simply the universe telling her it’s okay to sit back and ponder nonsensical things — that the present is worth contemplating, too.

“very ambitious.” it would’ve sounded condescending if not for the subtle respect threaded in her words and the corner of her mouth curving upwards in a complimentary manner. yerin curves two fingers around the handle of her teacup, liking the way the porcelain cooled her skin. she doesn’t drink. instead, she rubs her thumb along the curve of the cup. slowly, deliberately. just like the quiet confession she makes in between peripheral chatter from all around and the mechanic grind of espresso machines. “i always wanted to be a children’s book writer and illustrator.” the thought of illuminating the next generation of children through words and art had blossomed young. it’d been a wish buoyed by childish hope and a profound desire to make the world a better, kinder place. of course, that seed she thought she could cultivate into adulthood never grew and she’d long buried that tiny notion beneath mounds of regret. 

“call me naïve but i’ve always wanted my purpose—my existence—to mean something. to the world, to the people i meet or have yet to meet. when i chose to sing, i wanted to someday bring happiness to everyone who listened to my music.” her teacup clinks hard against the saucer. (she didn’t even realize she’d raised it, gone as she was in her tumultuous thoughts.) yerin breathes. a laboring inhale that whistled through her entire body, shaking her to her core. it hurt to admit that this conversation was derailing. her control is lost in the tepid floral tea swirling at the bottom of her cup as she picks it up again. she doesn’t know what to do with her hands, so habit dictates that she move. anything to minimize how much the truth made her crumble. 

❝ don't think twice

❝ i got the moonlight, tequila sunrise ha, come take a shot on me, i got ya open, april 4th, some restaurant in central seoul

“i also can not believe i will be in seoul for quite a while.” minhee laughs out, smile pulling wide on his lips. what did he even expect? really, what did he? it had been so long since polaris had been flying in and out of seoul, it was hard to schedule anything of substance. meeting up for a quick hi and bye wasn’t minhee’s thing. he needed to sit down, have a meal, have a drink, chat to their hearts content.

either way, he fixes his glasses and leans back into the seat, smile still tugging politely on his features. “i’m going to be here for a while, so we should make this a regular thing just how it used to be back in the day.” a nod follows, as if he won’t take no for an answer. things have changed quite a bit over the past few years, but if minhee is able to mend whatever relationships and friendship he’s had before polaris’s huge international break, then he would be his absolute best. “also, this is my treat, since i was gone for such a long time, you know.”

“i can count the number of times i’ve seen you on one hand.” the look she gives her childhood friend is equal parts annoyed and reproaching, feigned on all accounts. yerin could hardly fault minhee for being missing in action when polaris is at the height of their career, getting milked dry at the cost of the group’s sanity and health. she didn’t envy them their fame and success. far be it for candy to ever reach their level, she could hardly imagine what little time she’d get to have for herself, how much more of her privacy she’d need to squander for herself away from keyboard warriors eager to expose anything and everything on a whim. 

AESTHETIC #2: THE GOLDEN TRIO

bff numero uno: pyo gyuri bff numero dos: lim chaeyoung

between the three of them, there’s a lot of heartfelt conversations, giddy laughter, and playful bickering. there’s never a need for yerin to hide who she really is with these two. even when she’s stubborn as hell and frustratingly self-deprecating.  

they’ve seen her at her worst and have never once abandoned her.

1. why did your muse become an idol?

initially, it was to fulfill the dream her mother was forced to abandoned. as written in yerin’s bio and on her intro post, i mentioned that yerin’s mother used to be an idol for a now disbanded girl group called sugar (see group insp/refs: baby vox, fin.k.l - but ofc, far less popular than their model groups. sugar was rather middling at the peak of their career: think laboum and brave girls type of popularity where they had one or two hits but were otherwise underrated), but was forced to leave the group and retire when she was hit with a scandal that was never cleared up. her departure did nothing to reduce the criticisms the public lodged at the company for their unclear statement and handling of the scandal and instead, led to a public boycott of sugar. the group disbands not long after her mother’s departure and her subsequent move to busan to hide.

growing up, her mother’s passion for singing and music never faded and yerin inherited that same love. although, she never spoke about what really happened, yerin knows that her mother never forgot her love for performing.

becoming an idol wasn’t exactly what yerin was pursuing. rather, she actually was content to continue singing as a hobby. she’s no soundcloud or social media cover artist trying to get discovered. instead, she sang simply to express her feelings.

as a quiet kid and being raised by a single mom, she was picked on a lot and shunned by the neighborhood kids. she was “weird” and didn’t like playing with others and preferred to keep to herself. kind of like she was much older than she physically was - her body not yet catching up to her brain. she learned early on to compartmentalize and only really show her emotions/who she was in the comfort of her own home.

so singing helped her let go of her inhibitions and in a way, it was cathartic for her.

getting scouted was a sign and based on her mother’s very visceral reaction to the idea of her past finally catching up to her a decade and some years later filled her with both bitter resentment, longing, and inexplicable wariness.

yerin was never pushed to become an idol. instead, she chose to walk on this gnarly path all on her own because she saw how unresolved her mother was at letting that part of her life go. if she could be successful in her stead and become someone well-known and loved as her mother’s daughter, she would consider it a dream come true and, hopefully, by then her mother would look back on it all and smile, not cry.

2. what does your muse think of their company and their group?

yerin is neutral regarding bc entertainment as a whole. she’s aware it’s a big company. she’s also doubly aware just how expendable she is as a person, as a pawn. she has absolutely no doubt that she can be replaced as easily as a snap of her fingers. she doesn’t hate nor love the company. instead, she is actually grateful they took a chance on her when 8 other companies did not spare her a second glance. if anything, bc entertainment’s callback for a second audition gave her a much needed push and boost to her confidence when she was almost ready to give up.

naturally, as a person who hates owing people, yerin’s way of compensating them is by being the perfect idol - complacent and rule-abiding; a non-troublemaker who does as she’s told when she’s told. she’s not yet at the stage where she can rebel openly when she needs them. and this power imbalance is something she is very conscious of.

bc entertainment does not need her. whereas, yerin very much needs their power, connections, and investment in her. so the more accurate representation of how she views her company would be a give and take.

as for candy, she adores her members a lot. even when people say she lowkey hates them. she may have been aloof in the beginning of their formation because she was still reeling from candy shop and actually having made it versus being so close to being cut that she didn’t have the time to spare anybody’s feelings. nor did she really make an effort to fake a bond.

yerin thrives on patience and communication, mutual trust and respect. initially, she may have seemed cold, but she sure wasn’t ignorant about her members’ struggles and tried to be a good leader. she might’ve been clumsy and fumbled through some conversations because Emotionally Repressed and not good at words of affirmation when they are needed, but she made sure to make herself as available as possible if and when they needed her. she remained as steadfast as she was since day one of candy’s formation and hasn’t yet crumbled.

candy functions well as a group largely because of her more charming and outgoing members. and she’s content to stay on the sidelines while they shined. she’s not greedy for the spotlight when part of the group and still maintains the image of the poised leader in all professional settings.

all in all, she can’t deny that being in candy has changed her a little. she’s learned to be less stubborn about certain things and more open to listening to her members and opening herself up.

candy may not be home for her, but it is a safe place to return to.

3. is your muse on their first contract or their second? if they’ve renewed, what were their feelings around that at the time and what were their hopes for their second contract? if they haven’t renewed, what are their current thoughts on the end of their eventual first contract?

candy is still on their first contract and aren’t up for renewal until 2025, so yerin still has plenty of time to consider where she wants to go. she’s always been a planner and she already has goals and mental checklists of things she wants to accomplish or experiment with (if given the opportunity) during these three years time — particularly in her individual activities.

she has no say in what candy has in store as far as bc entertainment is concerned, but she does have some leeway on the direction she wants her career to go. whether that is pursuing acting more vigorously or eventually branching out to solo music & performance is something she’s very tight-lipped about.

if candy’s popularity starts tapering off by 2025, yerin probably will not renew. hopefully by then, she’ll be a somewhat established idol actress with a solid fanbase and a reputable repertoire of credits under her belt and maybe some solo songs that charted moderately well (like kim sejeong).

if candy is still going strong by 2025....hmmm...who knows?

4. what are your muse’s goals, ambitions, and motivations?

to leave a legacy behind.

if ever the truth about her mother’s past comes to light, yerin wants her own accomplishments to overshadow all the negative backlash that could potentially arise in the aftermath. the whole point of her becoming an idol was to fulfill her mother’s dream and to sort of...wash away all of her mother’s regrets and kind of (???) clear her mother’s name (not that yerin will ever verbally address her mother’s scandal lol) but in the sense that she doesn’t want her mother to forever be associated with things like “that xx girl who ruined sugar” or “that mistress who slept her way to the top” — that sort of thing. instead, she wants her mother to have something positive she can take from the industry itself — being yerin’s mom. yerin may be a literal product of that scandal that cost her mother’s career and dreams, but she hopes she’ll leave a brighter legacy behind filled with happiness and success, something worthy to be proud of and remembered for years to come.

5. what moments or people in your muse’s life are or have been the most impactful and/or the most important to them?

her mother is the most important person in her life. there is no competition whatsoever. yerin can talk your ear off about how much she loves her mom and she will literally fight you if she hears anyone talk shit about her within earshot — like that snotty neighborhood kid who dared to call her mother a sl*t because they overheard their mother and the neighborhood aunties talking that way about her. damn right, the first time yerin gets into fisticuffs is when she pummeled that kid to the ground. that’s the actual catalyst as to why she gets ostracized amongst the town kids lol

her stepfather and her stepsister  — when her mother remarries, yerin is relieved because she’s always wanted her to be happy and despite her initial misgivings and subtle hostility about him attempting to take her mom from her, she mellowed out and softened when she saw how kind and loving he was towards her mom, who she thinks deserves the entire universe. i’m not going to go too deep into her relationship with yerin’s stepfather and stepsister because i’m writing a headcanon about them but with them, yerin finally gets a complete family — even if she hated the move to seoul. she has them to thank for her decision to audition with bc ent. and accept the second chance on being a trainee. with them around, yerin worries a lot less about having to leave her mom behind to pursue her career.

family is an important factor in yerin’s life and is a great source of her motivation. she may seem cold and unfeeling, but she cares very deeply. her way of showing it is just not publicly and she tries very hard to keep her family protected from the dangers of sasaengs and antis. people can attack and hate on her all they want, but she will go out of her way to take a firm stance when it comes to that nasty attitude being redirected to her family and close friends.

gyuri and chaeyoung — her two best friends, whom i already wrote a headcanon about and will soon be posting an aesthetic about for visual interpretation of their dynamics, so i won’t really say much other then: she loves and appreciates them. a decade of friendship is nothing to scoff at and yerin is still amazed how long they’ve lasted and how they haven’t changed at all.

6. what are five of your muse’s favorite things? feel free to expand on why this is and/or how these became their favorite things.

an old vinyl record player  — she still has it, keeping it for memories’ sake. it was the first thing she ever splurged on when she was younger and doing odd jobs around the neighborhood to save up for it as a birthday gift to herself. it’s the very thing that has accompanied her every day since she decided that people weren’t worth her time and that she was okay having no friends and nobody to talk to. it was (still is) her constant growing up and how music continues to be her best companion when she’s not in the mood for anyone or to do anything. music doesn’t judge. music doesn’t deliberately hurt her. music heals and comforts and she will forever chase after opportunities to one day sing a song she wrote.

tea blends from around the world — she blames chaeyoung for this. that year her friend spend traveling the world has spoiled yerin hard. chaeyoung had brought back samples of different tea leaves and recipes from various countries, declaring that she wanted to open a café and needed some help. naturally, yerin and gyuri chipped in by investing and helping chaeyoung turn her latest dream into reality. nowadays, whenever chaeyoung travels, she always brings back a variety of things for her to try.

small succulents collection — it started with a baby cactus gyuri gave her one day out of the blue. literally just barged into the house when she was on a break from schedules and visiting her family and left it on her dresser to wake up to. the note she left behind said she was out shopping when she saw this and wanted to give it to yerin, said it reminded gyuri of her. now as a joke, gyuri gets one baby cactus for her every year.

sewing kit — embroidery came as a surprise. a suggestion from a grandma she’d sat next to on a train to busan in summer 2014 when she was lost and didn’t know what the hell she was doing or where she wanted to go in the future. yerin had watched her weathered hands weaving the thread over and over until a branch formed and later a flower in half bloom, mesmerized. a conversation struck and yerin learns the grandma used to be a seamstress and was returning home after attending her granddaughter’s wedding. she comes away from the meeting enlightened, her hand clutching spools of colorful thread and some embroidery needles left rattling in a small plastic box. she takes up embroidery out of curiosity and takes to it like fish to water. eager to learn and prick her finger on her amateur mistakes and clumsy fumbling. she learns patience and perseverance with each precise stitch she weaves, each thread she cuts. it’s become a way for her to cool down, to relax and empty her mind after a long day. if she likes you, one day you might just receive something she’s made.

usb necklace  — yerin doesn’t know how to give up. ever since she approached management about the possibility of a solo debut down the line and having plans of doing so postponed twice, she should feel a bit disheartened. she doesn’t, though. if anything, it makes her more determined to demonstrate her value. when asking for something in business, they would want to know the risks and what they’ll profit from should they invest and yerin is aware at present, her value as a product (because isn’t that what being an idol is about, being manufactured and created; a for-profit brand to attract buyers?) isn’t high. so she prepares  — it’s what she’s good at. she readies herself by recording demos of melodies, bits and pieces of songs she’s made over the years. a tangible record of her progress as a singer, tracking her potential and what she has to offer. it’s one of her most prized possessions because everything on there is a culmination of years of struggling and honing herself — a melodic journey of hong yerin, a nobody to the yerin of candy, finally a somebody but still not good enough to stand on her own. it encompasses her current hopes and her future dreams. she wears it / keeps it on her person (except in the shower) at all times.

7. what is one conflict, internal or external, that your muse is currently dealing with, has recently dealt with, or will need to deal with in the future?

as mentioned earlier, family is yerin’s biggest motivation. however, she is currently dealing with meeting her biological father for the first time and she’s....kind of still processing. for someone who is usually very decisive, for the first time in a while, yerin is not sure how to act or feel. on one hand, this is a man she’s always been very quietly curious about  — feelings like secondhand resentment and shock and involuntary relief (?) when he finally shows up in her life is giving her mixed feelings. sure, she’s always wanted to meet him some day, but that’s because she would’ve planned the meeting on her own and after she’s become a household name and can be on a level playing field, or enough to meet him eye-to-eye. him just randomly showing up catches her so off-guard that yerin is stuck and she’s never been unsure of anything in her life. she’s got so much conviction and her tendency to be prepared for anything is just...completely obliterated by him and she realizes that she’s not ready. she’ll never be ready. she’s not even good enough to look at him. she can’t even tell what he wants or what he’ll get out of this. yerin can’t read him. this one meeting alone (there will be more lol yerin will not catch a break this year) can send her off-course so badly, whose to say that she’ll be able to handle him when he’s at full power.

already, yerin is distracted by his existence. knowing that he has found her and has gone through lengths to let her know that he knows she exists is something she can’t make sense of. candy as whole has been busy with their slight shift in sound and image, preparing for comebacks and touring + yerin’s own acting career climbing higher and higher with each hit drama and fan favorite character, the meeting happening in the middle of everything means she hasn’t had the time to fully process the meaning of why her biological father’s decided to show up in her life now. before she can even gather her composure, her father’s presence will be much more prominent and occurring at random just when she thinks he’s got his fill and finds she’s really nothing at all and not worth the trouble. later, much later, she’ll be hit again  — this time, she’ll meet her brothers.

8. if your muse has established career claims, what are their thoughts on their career so far? if they do not, how do they feel about not having individual activities yet? what would they like to do in the future, if anything? if they don’t have ambitions for individual activities, explain why.

at first, yerin balked at management’s suggestion to push her into acting. she was kind of insulted to hear that the major reasoning was that she has a pretty face and she’ll be okay to pull in new fans by looking good on screen, even if she couldn’t act for shit. so she went into it with all the finesse of a bull in a china shop determined to make a show of it, to prove them all wrong because yerin subverting expectations? yes, she hates being underestimated. very much “you think i can’t do it? i’ll do it and make you eat your words when i succeed.”

of course, she never planned on actually falling in love with acting at all. it just...happened. one day, she felt like something bloomed in her chest when the director looked at her coolly and patted her head, telling her good job, after a perfect take. she was sure everybody thought she got the role because of connections or under the table dealings or whatever. preconceptions, she’s used to them. it doesn’t bother her, really. but knowing they held her at arm’s length just waiting for her to fail and prove them all right only to get a compliment like that after wowing them felt good. and yerin wanted to feel it again. so she tried harder. put her whole heart and soul in it. and fell. fell in love with acting. there’s a flame burning inside of her now and she’s never felt that way performing with candy (lol sorry. tho yerin will change her mind when ive’s discog becomes candy canon :D yerin will be a changed person. the world will literally be her stage). she never wants this passion to go away. not before she was ready. not before she’s on top.

— alternatively: contrary to popular belief, yerin is not a block of ice nor is she a robot with no feelings. she may embody mind over matter to the extreme and rationalizes literally everything, but that doesn’t mean she can’t feel. she just chooses not to focus on it / refuses to ever let emotions overwhelm her to the point of devastation. however, like everyone else, she is human and has a breaking point. her tolerance is strong, but she’s not invincible.

here are five signs to look out for to prove yerin is just as human as everyone else.

(word count: 1,112)

solare

the golden girl.

you’re exuberant, vibrant. so much, every time she looks at you, it’s like looking into the sun. she can’t tell if she’s jealous or if she simply admires that quality in you — the ability to think positively of every situation or everyone you meet.

how is it you can still see the good in her when so many have warned you that she’s trouble and not worth your time and effort? what exactly do you even see in her, really?

she’s never really sure you won’t leave her behind one day or have enough of her like people say is bound to happen because cold-hearted wretches like her are better off alone but time and time again, you show her that you’re still here, still kind, still just as golden as ever.

requirements: a female/female-presenting muse with a good reputation, preferably older than '97 or debuted before 2018 dynamic/vibes: celeb crush/role model, gratitude, shyness, kindness, admiration, envy, salvation, warming up, trust, respect, blossoming friendship

polarity

the rebel. the devil on her shoulder.

it’s always a head-scratching moment whenever someone asks how the two of you became friends. the two of you are so different, it’s baffling to anyone seeing the way you two interact with each other.

and yet, here you are, always trying to persuade her to try new things and dragging her out to experience ~life~ like a game, you take a crack at her walls every now and then. eager to get under her skin. eager to get closer and win her over.

every day, the distance she puts between the two of you closes ever so slowly.

requirements: a muse with an opposite personality/image dynamic/vibes: tom and jerry vibes, teasing/bickering, pseudo siblings, unconventional friendship (can be enemies turned friends), laughter, sarcasm, rebellion, butting heads, stupid inside jokes, random texting sprees

twin flame

it starts with a chance meeting. something inconsequential.

an accident. a classic meet-cute that’s so backward, the two of you laugh thinking back on it.

perhaps, it was a mutual friend with good intentions. perhaps, the universe wanted you both to meet again just because.

whatever it was that brought you together is history. your (her) loneliness recognizes its partner and, slowly, as though afraid to spook, you (she) began to reach out.

one meeting becomes two. then, three. days turn into nights. random check-ins turn into familiar routines. conversations grow when mutual interests align and curiosity sparks, turning awkward q&a’s into unintended laments and cracked-open hearts. closer and closer the two of you grow until suddenly, you’re no longer just face to face but side by side. 

she sings and you listen. quietly, respectfully. you sing and she cries. silently, softly.

apart, you are (she is) broken. together, you are (she is) healing.

(what’s it like, feeling whole? i don’t know. does it feel like coming home? maybe, a little. when? when i’m with you.)

stage name: n/a birth name: hong yerin nicknames: ice princess, human alarm clock, encyclopedia,  position: leader, main vocal nationality: korean birthplace: busan birthday: september 16, 1997 zodiac sign: virgo known family: mom, dad, older sister trainee period: 5 years (2011-2013 under crown ent., 2015-2018 under bc ent.) official height: 167 cm  blood type: b mbti: infj special skills: recognizing different ramyun brands while eating blindfolded, rubbing her stomach and patting her head at the same time, latte art hobbies: reading, baking, cooking, embroidery, making accessories, collecting succulents  favorite food: homecooked meals made by her mom favorite color: violet role models/inspirations: boa, ses, taylor swift, ariana grande, audrey hepburn ideal type: someone who is like a friend and is able to make her laugh and understand her with just a look

facts:

debuted in 2013 as the lead vocal and maknae of sapphire, a quartet that disbanded in 2014

auditioned and was rejected 8 times before passing bc entertainment’s open auditions in 2015

when she retires as an idol, she would like to travel the world

her favorite movie is spirited away

her favorite season is spring

she loves fruit tea and smoothies

she prefers light makeup styling

she hates haunted houses and never watches horror films

she is terrified of pigeons and spiders

re: @fmdjace

“adulting is hard,” her confession echoes. a revelation yerin did not want to have in an empty apartment with a real estate agent on a call just outside the entryway. she makes it anyway, knowing the sentiment isn’t lost in the slump of her shoulders and the tired sigh muffled behind her mask. with her hands clasped behind her back, she rocks back and forth on her heels as she tilts her head to the left, then to the right, casting her gaze lazily along the blank off-white walls.

“it’s missing a little something.” she muses, spinning on the tips of her toes, pins her lament on the state of the art stovetop and stainless steel appliances. the cupboards are bare, void of half-used spices and rustic cookware. the flooring is pristine and sparkling, waxed within an inch of its life. the island made of granite and cold to the touch; her finger even comes away dust-free. she nods absently at a checkmark she makes on her mental list of things to inspect at an apartment tour. her feet brings her to the sink and the tap spurts crystal clear running water. she’s relieved to find that hot means hot and cold means cold, saving herself from a war flashback of her childhood tragedies. “is it just me? it doesn’t feel...” a finger taps at her chin, trying to pinpoint this feeling of disappointment to a word that embodies how lackluster this place is. “warm?”

AESTHETIC: STILL MOTION

— alternatively: yerin’s instagram feed aesthetic/vibe.

tldr, yerin captured in her natural state: in perpetual solitude, at ease, stripped down.

re: @fmdxsuji

they meet on neutral ground this time: an obscure, hole-in-the-wall coffee shop past rush hour. there are no lights, no cameras, no scripts, no staff hovering over their shoulders. here, in a corner table tucked away from the hustle and bustle outside these walls, yerin decides she won’t look a gift horse in the mouth. 

she’s never been one for coincidences. an opportunist in the making, she’d always approached life on bated breath and precise timing. asinine things like luck and fate never did apply to people like yerin, who had a whole checklist of ways to achieve whatever they wanted in life. no shortcuts, no easy-way-outs, nada. it’s why it strikes her as odd when she learns that suji herself had accepted her invitation for teatime. surely someone of her caliber had better things to do than entertain a junior. and yet, seated across from her is a haloed image of someone so out of her league yerin wondered how she’s managed to look her in the eyes for the past minute.

“do you ever wonder what life would be like if you weren’t famous?” she’s not sure how to broach the actual topic at hand so she veers into left field, her index finger rubbing circles along the rim of her teacup. the white peony tea is lukewarm now. her murky reflection mocks her as she looks down, as if the tiny dregs at the bottom of her cup could give her the answer she really wanted.

✂ - - - - - - - 

her voice rings loud and clear against his ear, he cant even seem to stop the sob that tore from his chest. since when did he know how to cry? he’s leaning against the sink with a bloody hand, vision blurry, unsure if its from actual tears or from another wave of anger.

“i really- fuck-” he forces himself to inhale “sorry- i had no one else to call-”

yerin felt thunderstruck. never could she have imagined that someone as mighty as jihoon would fall. what color was this storm that overwhelmed him to such an extent that he would cry? how much did it hurt for him to sound this anguished, this tormented, that even she felt gutted from the inside out? distantly, the remnants of a nightmarish horror dissipates as she readies herself for something heavier to contend. her heartbeat slows to a crawl. her breathing suspends in morbid curiosity and vicarious empathy. 

“it’s okay, i wasn’t sleeping.” i’m here. she soothes quietly. as if she were afraid to spook him into hanging up, thinking he was disturbing her. (he wasn’t.) inwardly, she wonders if he knew she, too, had been in desperate need of a rescue, a distraction. wonders if his heart felt as grey as the skies had been before the sun had set. if something plagued him so intensely that sleep wouldn’t come, that peace became elusive. 

she’s quiet for a moment, taking stock of the ragged seconds between his words, the shuddered gasp of air, his trembling voice. lets silence fill the spaces between what he says and doesn’t say. waits patiently for the nerves (his, hers) to subside to a barely there hum — background noise she now knows how to tuck away for dissection later. steadier now, the words that had escaped her came rushing back. a gentle lap of reassurance poised at the tip of her tongue. she breathes in his despair, letting it percolate bitterly in her throat and swallows it down, exhaling reassurance. 

— alternatively: yerin meets her match in a hurricane of a girl.  a sneak peek at the dynamic between yerin & cho yuna, the not-quite ex.

this is what happens when lines blur without her knowing: a someone turning into a some(thing) that can’t be defined, and not knowing where she stands.

(word count: 444)

people say there’s danger in watching lightning strike in anticipation of a storm, but yerin has always liked the buzz in the air and the sizzle of humidity as the skies turn dark. like holding her breath, the rush of adrenaline is heady and makes her heart feel unusually full. when the sky finally splits, yerin always thinks: this must be why storms are named after people.

pyo gyuri & lim chaeyoung — two constants in a world that is always changing.

where yerin is stubborn and often unyielding, these two help soften her edges and are always there to put her back together when she breaks.

a headcanon / look-see into how and why the three of them are still growing strong, despite walking different paths.

(word count: 742)