OH, HUMAN RACE

all sentences taken from episodes 1-23 of the third campaign of critical role. feel free to change pronouns, phrasing etc. to fit your needs!

“Kids like fun scary. You’re scary scary.”

“What time are you going to wake up? You’re being lazy.”

“Smiley day to you!”

“All right. We’re done talking in front of you. Let’s go.”

“She’s effective. You’ve just gotta be careful around her.”

“I’m immediately concerned about the creepy ass bitch 40 feet away dripping with goo.”

“Do you want my face to wear off after a few minutes?”

“There is no thinking here tonight.”

“Of all the isms, optimism is the most optimistic!”

“The rat makes sense.”

“Plan A is shit now. It’s Plan B.”

“Does no one crime?!”

“God, I miss cartilage.”

“We hate furniture.”

“So your hobbies are baking cake and covertly protecting the realm from evil. What an odd retirement!”

“Jazz I don’t fuck with.”

“Every once in a while, you need to see the sun rise. It might be that night for me.”

“I’m glad the noise has stopped for you. I’m glad you’re at peace.”

“I get headaches just listening to people chatter out loud. I can only imagine the dumb shit people have rolling around in their heads.”

“Why does everyone think I need so much sandwich?”

“Don’t backseat rope hold.”

“They say that goodbye is the hardest word to say, but it’s not. It’s Worcestershire.”

“That is delightfully fucked up.”

“Well the head got up and the head got hit.”

“Did you kiss them? Did you kiss the beef?”

“Should we get a late lunch before murder?”

“You don’t want to do murder on an empty stomach.”

“What are the chances we’re going to wander into two terrible things in one day?”

“My telekinesis is much stronger than I am.”

“I’d love to see your insides.”

“I thought it was gonna be otters!”

“Inanimate objects! It’s a conspiracy of inanimate objects!”

“You should poke it. We’re pretty sure it’s dead, but there’s only one way to tell.”

“Oh, you’re all sorts of fucking crazy.”

“I’m just saying come correct or get corrected.”

“I don’t want to make this awkward, but I have this group on toy retainer so…”

“You’ll figure it out. I don’t have time to put you through business school, fuck.”

“All of them are going on a date with the cook.”

“That’s got to be a record. We did three clusterfuck break ins in one day.”

“I feel like we resort to the B&E route quite a bit. I feel like we should mix it up.”

“I was going to say it’s Tuesday, but that’s not real.”

“I’m getting my wood’s worth!”

“I’m not disappointed, I’m just angry.”

“How can you make something so nice still sound so creepy?”

“Let’s go do some crime, fuck it.”

“Think of it as a very complicated vacation.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I am appreciative. I’m also gonna fuck off in the morning.”

“You know, I thought I was the king of cagey. What is it about this group?”

“You silly, silly noble.”

“As harsh as the world may seem at times, there are good people out there. It’s easy for them to be drowned out by the noise.”

“Those who are loved are never lost.“

“Those who are loved are never lost… Unless it’s like your keys.”

“You can accomplish anything if you believe in yourself or if you have wealthy parents.”

“Friendship is pastries!”

“I don’t fuck around when it comes to wood.”

“I kinda hate it and I kinda love it, but I mostly hate it.”

“Have you ever, in your entire life, been bumped so hard your ring fell off?”

“Y’all came in with weird energy and you done fucked me up.”

“Paying his debts? In the bathroom? That sounds like a lot of work!”

“I feel like this is a pretty open and shut nightmare.”

“You are a cup.”

“May the hair in your ears never fall out.”

“As you said so yourself in your head probably, we’re a bunch of bumblefucks.”

“When you aggressively whittle wood behind the bench like that, it looks like something else.”

“I’m gonna protect the dead lady.”

“Lick salt, fucker!”

“Anything worth doing, anything really really complicated, should not be done quickly.”

“I love other peoples’ problems, please.”

“I feel oddly comforted and it disturbs me.”

“I’ve been up for a while just kind of looking at you.”

“Do you want to eat our face off?”

“You should never have to run into the storm alone.”

“Trees: Nature’s titty tassels.” 

 “If you’re looking for a book repository, we’re in a fucking swamp.” 

“That is so mean and I am so proud of you.” 

“It just turns out I’m really good at killing wood.” 

“Is it cake or is it death?” 

“Who’s Santa now, bitch?” 

“Fuck this haunted house.” 

“I’m a big, shiny rainbow motherfucker right now.” 

“I know where you power down.” 

“Right feels weird.” 

“Did I just mention that because I love it or because we’re contractually obligated to? Maybe both.” 

“I often find a little bit of understanding helps in easing the fear.” 

“Anybody can be grumpy if you work hard enough.” 

“I thought you were a healer. You cut me deep.” 

“Just cause you have a soul doesn’t mean you know how to use it too good.” 

“It has been nearly two weeks and I have forgotten how extremely strange you all are.”