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Everything had been going fine, great, even. Though, of course that couldn’t last forever. Of course something had to happen, of course. 

You couldn’t do anything about it, it happened, and there was nothing you could do to fix it. Maybe the correct choice would be to talk to someone, to confide in anyone. You had been told by Sabo countless times at this point that you could do just that. It was probably a better option than letting your feelings fester and slowly spiraling. Though, you couldn’t bring yourself to do that to him. 

He had plenty on his plate already, both work-related and outside of work. He had his own feelings, his own issues, and you’d hate to add your own on top of his. Though, this was also hypocritical of you. You’d happily let him confide in you no matter what, and yet you could not bring yourself to do the same to him. All you could do was force yourself to act as if nothing was wrong, and continue working.

Fortunately(?) for you, everyone around you seemed to be none the wiser to your ongoing plight. Your deteriorating state was not something anyone else had noticed thus far. You had managed to hide it well enough, even someone as keen as Sabo had yet to notice. Admittedly, you hadn’t been spending as much time with him lately, but that was beside the point. You had managed to remain the way you were supposed to, and hiding your feelings was not a challenge. Though, things were always apt to change. 

In a bout of some sort of panic, probably a panic attack you figured, you had shut yourself within a supply closet in the base. Your poor attempts at trying to calm yourself, to steady your breathing, weren’t doing much of anything. You needed to get over this, you needed this to stop so you could shove these feelings down once again. You had to get back to work, you had to keep functioning the way you were supposed to. 

To your surprise, someone knocked on the closet door. “…Are you okay? What are you doing in there?” a concerned voice hit your ears. It took you a moment to register it as Koala, she must’ve seen you enter without you noticing. 

You had managed to stifle your panic a bit at this point. “I’m fine,” you spoke, “I was just looking for something.”

“I don’t really believe that, you’ve been in there for a good few minutes,” Koala retorted and you wondered how long she’d been standing outside. 

You hated the thought that you had concerned her at all, she was busy too. But before you could repeat yourself she opened the door and was greeted with your pathetic form. 

Sure, you had managed to calm down a decent amount, but your breathing was still fairly ragged and you could still feel a but of a tremor going through you. You were certain your eyes were red, and it was obvious you had been crying. Before you could sputter out some form of defense, she spoke again.

“You’re not okay at all,” Koala stepped into the closet and placed a hand on your shoulder. “Do you want me to take you to medical? You c—“

Your thoughts were going a mile a minute, you couldn’t process a thing she had said after that question. All you knew was that you didn’t need that, you didn’t want that. You were fine on your own, you were handling it. 

“No, I’m fine,” you spoke, your tone was a lot harsher than you meant for it to be. You didn’t acknowledge it though as you shrugged her hand off of you. “I’m perfectly fine,” you paused for a moment, “Don’t tell Sabo about this.”

She raised a brow at this but before she could question you further, you started to walk off. You didn’t need to bother her, either. You were fine like this.

********

The more days that passed, the more persistent Koala seemed to get, and the worse you seemed to feel. It had become a struggle to hide anything properly, you were sure some part of you was always giving your plight away. 

More than once now, Koala had offered to take you to medical or to bring someone from there to you. Every time had been both painfully annoying and made you feel extremely guilty. Avoiding Sabo was a struggle on its own, and you somehow couldn’t seem to avoid him without running into her instead. 

At the very least, for the moment, the shore was quiet and you were finally away from everyone. You could just sit by yourself and feel awful. Every negative feeling towards yourself was able to properly fester and make you feel significantly worse. 

You felt like an idiot for letting this get to you this much, you should be able to function better than this, you should be able to behave properly. You should, you should, you should, you should. And yet you couldn’t. All you could do was sit, cry, writhe and struggle. These were your feelings to deal with, and yours alone. Nobody else needed to be burdened with them, or with you. The fact that your struggling had even become obvious at all made you feel sick, you shouldn’t be bothering anyone, you shouldn’t—

The ocean looked really beautiful. The waves were small, almost gentle. Oh how easy it would be to enter and never look back, to enter the ocean’s embrace and never leave. It would be so easy, you stood up. The blue of the ocean looked so welcoming, just a bit further and you could feel a lot better. You took a step, and another, and— a voice called out to you.

You blankly looked in the direction of it, and a terrible feeling twisted in your stomach.

“There you are, I’ve been looking for you,” Sabo spoke, “Are you avoiding me or something?” The question itself was teasing, and he didn’t at all seem to be taking offense at the idea. You winced, nonetheless. 

“No…” you started, “I’ve just been busy,” busy trying to drown yourself, at least that was today’s activity. 

“It feels like I haven’t seen you much lately,” he looked you up and down as he spoke. You hated that. “Are you okay?” He questioned, he placed a hand on your cheek. You so badly wanted to lean into his touch, but you couldn’t. You’d break if you did that, and you couldn’t do that. You really couldn’t. 

“I’m fine,” you mustered a poor attempt at a smile, “Promise.” 

Sabo raised an eyebrow at this, he clearly didn’t believe you. Though before he could make that obvious, you spoke again. “I was just taking a break. I have some work I need to get done, so I’ll be going now,” you gently grabbed his hand from your face and gave it a squeeze. And before he could say anything more to you, you left and prayed he didn’t follow. 

********

Koala had once again found you and made a suggestion that, for some reason, made you feel guilty. She had once again suggested taking you to medical, and maybe they could give you something. Something to help. You didn’t need that, you were fine, you were totally fine. This was something for you to manage on your own. You were functioning perfectly fine. You once again ignored her and went on your way. 

You now found yourself in your quarters, staring at the ceiling. There seemed to be a tremor in your body that never really left. You could feel it as you laid there, and you could feel the heavy weight of everything sitting on your chest. Your throat was tight, it burned a little. Your hands gripped at your head, your hair, as you made poor attempts at grounding yourself. You were being so stupid, so pathetic. You couldn’t believe you were doing such a poor job of hiding your feelings. These weren’t anyone’s problems but your own! Yet you kept bothering people, you kept being a nuisance. Over and over and over and over and…

You wondered if there was anywhere to hang from the ceiling in here, somewhere with enough hold. Not like you had a rope, nor did you know how to tie a noose, but you could figure it out. Well, you supposed there were other means of killing yourself too, and the ocean was still a viable option. But the more you stared at the ceiling, the more you could picture your body hanging, swinging gently, until it inevitably stilled. You could feel so much better then, you really, really could. 

The more you tried to will these thoughts away, the visual in your head became clearer and clearer. It could all be over, you wouldn’t have to be like this anymore, you wouldn’t have to feel anything anymore. You’d had some good experiences, you’d had your fun, you could just, just end it now. That would be it! You could just, just—

A loud sob wracked through you, and the door to your quarters seemed to fly open at the sound. Before you could even process what was possibly happening, the door was once again shut, and a familiar form was standing over you.

You had almost no time to react before said form sat himself down beside you and pulled you into his arms. Words were not forming in your brain, but it didn’t matter because he started talking first. 

“I’d been knocking for a good few minutes and you weren’t answering. I was close to knocking the door in, then all of a sudden I heard that…glad it was unlocked,” Sabo spoke as he placed a gentle hand on the back of your head. “Talk to me, please. I’m here for you. You’ve seemed off lately, please, you know you can talk to me,” his tone was gentle, almost painfully so.

You couldn’t cave, you shouldn’t, he didn’t need to be burdened with you. Though you seemed to have finally lost control as you clung to him and sobbed. You babbled out incoherent nonsense to him, and he simply pulled you closer and held you tighter. 

Eventually, you calmed down enough for words to at least formulate properly, and despite your previous attempts at speaking being almost nonsensical, you tried again. “I’m sorry,” your voice was unsteady and shaky. “I’m sorry…I just…”

Sabo gently shushed you, “I don’t want to hear that. You don’t have anything to apologize for. I’ve just been worried about you,” he gently rubbed your back as he spoke. “I could tell something was wrong, but you weren’t talking to me much at all.”

“I’m sorry,” that seemed to be the only thing you could get out. He pulled back a little to look at you, and one hand moved to wipe tears off your cheek.

“I just said you don’t need to apologize,” he sounded almost teasing.

“I know…it’s just…I am sorry,” you started again and he playfully rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything more in hopes you’d continue. “I didn’t want to bother you, you’re…you’re busy…you have a lot to deal with. I didn’t want to add to that with my stupid problems that don’t concern you,” you sniffled.

“Your problems are not stupid, and they already concern me because they have to do with you,” Sabo pressed a kiss to the top of your head. “Your problems are my problems. I want to, at the very least, be there for you.”

“But…I can handle things fine on my own,” the way your voice sounded as you said that ruined any chances of that being at all convincing.

“I beg to differ,” he smiled a little, “and even if you could, that doesn’t mean you have to. It doesn’t matter how busy I am, I can find time for you, especially if you need it. Especially if things are hard,” he pulled you into him again and began petting your head.

You so badly wanted to protest against this, but words were once again failing you. You You didn’t want to burden him, but he was so nice, and he was being so gentle, and all you could do was continue to cling to him. 

ao3 link if you'd prefer

Despite the circumstances, this feeling of loneliness would not alleviate itself. You weren’t in a place where you should be feeling like this. It didn’t make sense for you to feel lonely in a place that was as rowdy as the Polar Tang. Yet, it didn’t seem to go away.

Even when you were surrounded by the rest of the crew, that nagging feeling would remain. No matter how hard you ignored it or stifled it, it stayed.

Another day of trying to get that sinking feeling to go away had come to a close. You sighed to yourself, you sat alone in the dining area as you took a moment to yourself. Though, unbeknownst to you, you were not entirely alone.

Law had noticed something seemed to be off with you as of late. Though, talking about that kind of thing was not exactly his forte. He was now stood outside the dining area, unsure of what to do. It would be weird to enter the room and not acknowledge you at all. And it’s not like he particularly wanted to avoid you either. He was concerned about you, not like he’d actually tell you that though.

He let out a small sigh of his own, and made his way into the room. You didn’t seem to notice him until he sat down in one of the chairs beside where you were seated.

“Oh, Captain,” you smiled at him.

Law looked away from the sight, “What are you doing in here? It’s late, you should be in bed.”

“You’re one to talk,” you retorted and he rolled his eyes. “But I couldn’t sleep, is all,” which wasn’t entirely false.

“Hmm,” he paused for a moment, and then asked the question he’d been debating asking for awhile. “Is something bothering you?”

You gave him a confused look, “Why do you ask?” It felt almost out of character for him to ask anyone that, well, maybe aside from Bepo.

“It just seemed like it, is all,” was his only response.

“It’s nothing important,” you replied, “I wouldn’t want to bother you, Captain.”

“I’m the one who asked. If I thought I’d be bothered by it, I wouldn’t have asked,” he spoke bluntly. You stifled a laugh at his remark.

“I didn’t know you cared so much, Captain,” you teased and he looked embarrassed. “I’ll tell you, if it’s really not a bother.”

“It’s not,” was the only thing he said in return. It seemed his embarrassment was holding him back a little.

“Alright,” you sighed once again. “It’s really nothing important, but,” you then did your best to explain the loneliness you’d been feeling lately. How, no matter how much time you spent with others it didn’t go away. It was like this sinking feeling in your chest, a pit in your stomach. No matter how much fun you were having, no matter what, it was always there.

The more Law listened to you talk, the more he understood what you were dealing with. Though comforting people was by far not his speciality, he wanted to try for you.

“I understand,” he spoke once you had finished your explanation. Law pondered what to say for a moment, he was once again reminded that he wasn’t great at this. “I think it’s…it’s hard to not feel that way when you’re not…upfront with others,” he forced out.

You laughed a little at this, and he went ref at the sound. “What?!” he retorted.

“Sorry, Captain,” you spoke between laughter. “You’re just trying really hard and  it’s cute.” He attempted to stutter out some sort of aggravated (embarrassed) response, but you talked over him. “I appreciate you listening to me though, and…I do feel a little bit better after telling you about it,” you smiled and his annoyance seemed to fade at the sight.

“That’s good,” He let some form of a smile slip out upon seeing your own. Seeing you smile seemed to have multiple annoying effects on him.

“Captain,” you caught hid attention, “Would it be okay if we chatted for a while longer?”

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The lights of the stage burn, your eyes can’t adjust, and you fumble. Nobody laughs, faces contort into confusion, disgust, things you can’t read. Then you are thrown to the side, and someone else takes center stage. A different you, a you that can save this. At least you hope so.

Though sometimes there is not a you that can fix it. Sometimes you are left alone, the lights above your head creaking, swaying, flickering. You can struggle, and stumble, and stutter. But it won’t do you any good. You aren’t meant for that stage, and no one else desires to help. Or maybe, if they do, they’re not sure how. They don’t know how to tell you.

Then you find yourself staring at your reflection. It’s unfamiliar, with eyes that are dim, hollow. It doesn’t look right. It feels wrong. You poke the skin, you tug on it, it looks so wrong. 

You blink. What exactly were you thinking about? You can’t recall. You’re in the bathroom though, so you must be here for some reason. Something catches your eye, a razor. A familiar warmth rises up in your chest. That’s right. That’s what you wanted. 

A swipe, and another, and another, and another, has blood slowly bubbling up on your skin. After a few seconds those bubbles would pop, and turn into a trickle. The trickle, if you were so lucky, would turn into a pour. You’d watch it turn the water a lovely shade, and smile. A real smile. This was art, a form of art. The color red really suited you. If only you could be constantly pouring blood, maybe then you’d be something worth looking at. This was truly beautiful, and it didn’t even hurt! A monster such as yourself, bleeding, getting what you oh so deserved. What a wonderful tale. 

Then you are left having no recollection as to why you even did that. You don’t even know what motivated you to do such a thing. Now you’re left with bloodied cuts that will turn into more scars, and a tremor in your whole body that won’t go away. You’re unsure if it’s from blood loss, a lack of eating, or both. The tremor makes it harder to open bandages and stick them on. It makes it harder to stay standing. But you don’t really mind. Even if you have no connection to these wounds, at least they don’t hurt. 

You open your eyes, and the stage lights sting again. Though, after a moment, you adjust. It’s another day. Your legs hurt, it’s kind of hard to stand on them. You have a vague idea as to why. It’s always the same reason, after-all. You sigh, at least they were fairly easy to cover up with pants. Your head hurts. You can’t remember the last time you ate. You’d prefer not to go to the mess-hall though. You begrudgingly get ready for another day of doing whatever is asked of you around the base. 

Though a knock raps at your door, and you cock your head at the sound. You had thankfully just finished getting ready, and you open the door. You are pushed off the stage once again, and you watch from the side, confused and disoriented. 

“Oh, good morning, Sabo,” you smile and he returns it. “What brings you here?” This you is better for things like this. At least they were kind enough to show up. They could be a bit less forceful though. 

Sabo’s expression falters a little at your question, though it quickly turns to something almost soft. “I told you yesterday, remember? I wanted to talk to you about some work.”

You did not remember. The you that you had pushed to the sidelines did also not know what he was talking about. “I’m sorry,” your smile turned sheepish, “I don’t really remember.”

“That’s alright, I understand,” that was very much something he could not fault you for. Not only would he be hypocritical if he did, he also struggled to fault you for anything. Truthfully, he was just pleased you seemed to be fairly chipper this morning. You hadn’t seemed quite right yesterday when he’d talked to you. He heard you apologize again and that snapped him out of his thoughts.

“Really, don’t worry about it,” Sabo spoke. “I’ll just catch you up,” he stopped in thought for a moment. “Why don’t you come get breakfast with me, then we can talk?”

You did not want to go to the mess-hall. Though that was when you were reminded you were on the sidelines. “Alright,” you answered, against your own will. You could not fathom that the you who forced their way into center would want this either. But their job was to perform. Perform in a way you couldn’t, adapt in a way you couldn’t. They did not answer you when you asked why they agreed, they merely shushed you. Annoying. 

The you that had been pushed away was now gone, and it was just you, this was what normal was. You were normal. Perfectly normal. Though you did regret agreeing to coming here with him. It was loud, and it felt like everyone was glaring at you. Getting your food just made you feel like panicking, and you were alerted to shaking in your body by someone else steadying your tray.

“Are you okay? You’re shaking,” Sabo spoke and you wished you could slam your head into a wall for letting him notice something like that. You didn’t know why you were shaking. There could be a thousand different answers as to why.

You had to come up with some sort of excuse, “Ah, yeah. I’m fine. I’m just not used to being in here when it’s this crowded,” you smiled.

He seemed to think for a moment, “Why don’t we eat in my office then?” He returned the smile.

A feeling of panic came over you and you shoved it down as hard as you could. You were fine. You were normal. “That would be nice,” you replied. Sabo nodded and then told you to follow him as he lead the way to his office. 

The walk felt painfully long. Sure, it wasn’t entirely rare for you to end up in his office talking to him. It was rare for you to eat with him. Alone. Actually this was brand new. The main issue was that you harbored some sort of romantic feelings for him. Feelings that you had been reminded time and time again you weren’t supposed to feel. Though, those reminders were coming from places of hypocrisy, as feelings towards him were something every part of you shared. It was kind of funny. It was rare all of you felt the same towards one person. 

That aside, you also did not feel okay eating in his presence. You didn’t want to do that. Well, maybe you wished you lived in a world where you would feel okay doing that. However, there was not a single part of you that felt okay doing that. But you could act. You could pretend. And you could adapt. The spotlight was on you, after-all. Just you. Why would there be anyone else? It was always just you.

The moment you arrived and he sat down, Sabo almost immediately started scarfing down his food. You stifled some sort of laugh at the sight. It had been awhile since you’d seen him eat, you’d completely forgotten how he acted when it came to food. You were admittedly, unfortunately charmed. 

At the very least, he was pretty focused on the plate in front of him. So you could slowly pick at the breakfast you didn’t particularly want while he stuffed his face. 

Eventually, he was finished and you were still busy slowly prodding at your food. He raised an eyebrow at you once he noticed how little you’d eaten, but he chose not to comment on it. He instead started talking about what he’d originally planned to talk about.

“About the work I wanted to talk to you about, are you fine with discussing that now?” Sabo questioned. He had seemingly caught you in the middle of chewing, and he watched as you covered your mouth with your hand and nodded. Something about that was cute to him. Admittedly he tended to think that about most everything you did. That was not the point right now though. 

“Alright,” he smiled. “There’s a mission I wanted to assign you on.”

It had been a bit since you’d been on one, you thought. You’d mainly been stuck at the base helping with whatever you could for a good while. It might be kind of nice to get out again soon. You nodded as a sign for him to keep going, he obliged.

“It’s nothing difficult. Though, it’ll probably take a couple days due to the logistics,” he continued, and you listened as he shared the details. If anything, you were just grateful for the chance to go out again, so you’d truly take whatever he offered.

“I’m putting myself on this too,” that caught your attention. 

“…It would be just us then?” You questioned.

“Yes. I know you haven’t been on a mission in a bit so I’d hate to send you alone,” Sabo smiled. “That’s why I’ll go with you.”

You no longer wanted this chance to go somewhere. Well, you did. You really did. A chance to be alone with just him, somewhere other than here, would be nice. If you weren’t such a disgusting, terrible, rotten, monster— the stage lights dimmed and you blinked. Where were you…right now? You subtly looked around, you saw Sabo in front of you, and something clicked. You were in his office, right. He was talking about a mission, okay. That was fine. You’d agree with whatever. You weren’t exactly sure what he’d just said, but you figured a generic reply would suffice. 

“That’s fine with me,” you replied and Sabo seemed to be none the wiser to your confusion. 

“Great, we’ll leave pretty early tomorrow. I can explain our lodgings and such on the way,” he smiled and you simply gave him an “okay” in response. His brows furrowed. “Are you sure you’re alright?” 

You weren’t sure why he was asking you this. Of course you were! You were always alright. “Yes, I’m fine,” you responded and he didn’t really seem to accept it. Though he chose not to press further, for now. 

“Okay…I’ll see you later then. I’ll come get you in the morning, alright?” 

“You don’t need to do that,” you responded. 

“I’d like to, so let me,” Sabo smiled and it was a smile you couldn’t say no to. So you agreed and his smile seemed to widen. 

You then bid him farewell and left his office, and made your way to do whatever it was you could find to do today. Your head hurt though, and your legs really stung, and you didn’t know why. Oh well. That was a problem for later.

********

There were two reasons why Sabo had not assigned you any missions recently. The first was namely that he didn’t have any that particularly suited you. He didn’t wish to put you in danger on a mission you weren’t suited for. The second reason was that he’d begun to get concerned about you after your last mission. You had practically, seemingly without thinking, thrown yourself into a terrible situation and almost gotten severely injured. When he had asked you about it, you didn’t even seem to know what he was talking about, nor did you seem interested in knowing. 

Since then, Sabo had been attempting to keep more of an eye on you, not that he’d tell you that. He figured if you knew, you’d probably protest that you were fine. Not that he’d listen to your protests regarding such a matter. He did what he wanted, after-all. Still, it was easier to not tell you. It was way easier to watch over you without you telling him to stop it. Of course, he couldn’t watch you constantly, but he had been purposefully trying to match a lot of his mealtimes with yours. And he did tend to randomly show up wherever you were working. You seemed to be none the wiser too. 

He wasn’t entirely sure when he’d developed such a soft spot for you. He was at least aware it wasn’t recent, but it did seem to grow the more he tried to subtly look after you. The longer this went on, the more his fondness for you developed. Then it culminated into going on a mission with you, which he was both excited for and a bit wary of. He’d really have to keep an eye on you. 

Sabo sighed to himself. He was really fond of you, truly he was. It was just…at times…it felt like he was talking to a completely different person when he talked to you. It was usually subtle and it wouldn’t be enough for most people to notice. He noticed, though. He was quite enamored with you, of course he noticed. He didn’t mind it, you never acknowledged it if you even knew it happened. It did slightly concern him though, and it did make him go over past interactions with you in his head. You had probably been like that since he met you, he thought. 

He noticed it, often. Moments where it seemed like you were struggling to keep up all of a sudden, where you seemed disoriented out of nowhere. Little things about you changed ever-so-slightly, maybe the way you expressed things, the way you talked, or the words you used. Things people wouldn’t notice if they weren’t as extremely aware of you as he was. He noticed it a few moments ago when he was talking to you, even. 

Your memory seemed to be the main thing that usually made him notice. Sabo had never really questioned your poor memory until recently. You’d always been like that, and he didn’t mind helping you out when you needed. He could relate, after-all. Though he noticed how bad your day-to-day memory seemed to be after your previous mission. Again, he was happy to help you and adjust, but it did concern him. If he asked you, he figured you probably couldn’t even recall what you did yesterday. He let out another sigh. He couldn’t really do much at the moment, he’d just continue to keep an eye on you. The time to leave couldn’t come soon enough.

********

You hadn’t realized when you’d returned to your quarters, nor when you’d gotten in bed. You really couldn’t remember if you’d eaten again or not, you had a vague idea that you probably did. 

Your room was dark, your eyes were heavy, and there was a dull ache in your head. It was almost the perfect combination of things for sleeping. If it were not for the heavy feeling in your chest that you didn’t know the origins of, or the sound of some voice in the back of your head doing something, you might’ve been asleep by now. Even if you had asked them to stop, they probably wouldn’t listen. Even if you had questioned why there was some sort of melancholic feeling pressing down on your chest, you likely wouldn’t get a clear answer. These things likely didn’t belong to you, after-all. 

The stage lights were off, the curtain was drawn. You were alone in the center, sounds came from backstage. You were alone. Of course you were. Why wouldn’t you be? No…you’d get scolded if you thought like that. It was untrue. You were unfortunately not alone. Even if they didn’t talk to you, didn’t acknowledge you, you were not alone. 

Morning came before you even realized. The curtains once again opened, and there was someone else on stage with you. They talked to you, some sort of panic seemed to be radiating off of them. You asked what was wrong, and they told you to hurry up, that he’d be here soon. You had no idea what they could possibly be talking about, but you also didn’t feel like being pestered over and over, so you obliged. 

You stopped, your reflection looked weird. Well, you never looked good, you knew that. But it looked off and unfamiliar. Your eyes looked wide, way too wide for you. Like they didn’t belong to you. 

The lights above you dimmed, and you were nudged out of centerstage. 

Finally, christ. You had to hurry up, you needed to. Just the thought of him showing up while you were still in the shoddy attire you called pajamas. Awful. Awful. He’d laugh in your face. He’d hate you. He’d hate you for how hideous you were. You had work to do, you had to hurry up. 

By the time you had almost fully gotten ready, a knock came at your door. The panic in you worsened. “Just a minute!” You called and you heard some sort of confirmation from Sabo on the other side.  

You hurriedly finished up, and gave yourself another look in the mirror. You really did look as terrible as always. 

You opened the door and gave him a strained smile, and he noticed it. You saw it in his face. Before he could say anything you started talking, “Is it time to leave?” 

“…Yeah,” he smiled a little and the sight did have some sort of effect on you. Something in you calmed just a bit. “Let’s get to the ship before they get too tired of waiting,” he laughed and you attempted to laugh as well. 

You trailed behind him, he spoke most of the walk and you listened as best as you could. It was kind of hard to with this weird, tight, feeling in your chest and in your head. But you could ignore it well enough. 

You were still anxious about being alone with him, though you knew you had no reason to be. He did not like you, at least not like that. You would be lucky if he even saw you as a friend and not just a subordinate. But the thought of him disliking you even more did make it kind of hard to breathe. That combined with feelings you could not place was not making functioning easy. But you persisted. You could adapt. You always could. 

Your head felt messy, blurry. Everything was jumbled, and you couldn’t control any of it. Even after getting on board, it was still hard to listen to Sabo. He seemed to realize it too. You tried to speak before he could, but your mouth wouldn’t move. 

“Are you okay? Do you need some water or something?” Sabo questioned, his brows were furrowed as he looked you over.

“I’m alright,” you managed an attempt at a smile. You didn’t need to worry him. You didn’t need to. You were being such a terrible, rotten, burden. You were always so awful to him. You were always in his way. Always. Always. Surely he hated you, surely he was just tolerating your presence for the sake of the revolution. For the sake of making this world a better place, he had to tolerate terrible, rotten, beasts such as yourself. He hated you. He had to. He absolutely hated you. Scorn was certainly aligning his features and you were just too stupid to see it. He hated you. 

The stage lights flickered, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Then it stopped. It all stopped. You didn’t feel a single thing. What were you just thinking about? Who cares. What did it matter. None of that was your problem. You smiled, a smile that was nothing but forced and fake, and you changed the subject.

“Where are we staying?” You questioned Sabo and he was, for a moment, at a loss for words. You wondered why, but you didn’t ask. 

Sabo was a bit taken aback. If he had not been watching you as closely as he was, he likely wouldn’t have noticed what he did. Though your demeanor changed all of a sudden, and something in your eyes seemed to flicker. Now you were talking about something else entirely. He cleared his throat, “Just a small hotel, nothing fancy. I booked it for us. I managed to get two rooms for a deal too,” he smiled at that. Both because he was proud of it and maybe to ease whatever was going on with you. Originally, he had wanted to share a room with you, and he still did. He didn’t want to push you too far, though.

Your painfully fake smile, that admittedly unsettled him a little, did not change. “Oh wow. You paid for it? I thought Dragon usually did that.”

“It was a bit of a whim so I paid for it, I don’t mind,” he answered and you didn’t say anything more. 

He wasn’t entirely sure what to do. Sure, he had gotten used to your changes once he noticed them. And this wasn’t the first time he’d seen that extremely fake smile either. It was just the first time it had been directed at him. With him you…usually seemed more genuine, or maybe that was just wishful thinking. You often didn’t express much on your face at all, and that was still a thousand times more genuine than this. It was off-putting to have directed at him, but he didn’t entirely mind it either. He could find this part of you charming too, you never ceased to amaze him. 

Sabo looked you over as you continued your silence. He stopped at your eyes, they were dim. He’d seen that before too, but usually only briefly, or again, not at him. He wanted to ask if you were okay, he wanted to do something for you, anything. But he also figured he’d get the same answer he got a few moments ago. All he could really do was sit with you, and just keep an eye on you. Like usual. 

Eventually you spoke again, “Do you want me to pay you? For my room?” He was kind of surprised by the sudden question. 

“No, of course not. It’s for a mission after-all. And either way, I don’t mind paying for you,” he answered. You almost seemed flustered at that last remark, and he found that cute.

“…Are you sure? I really don’t mind. You—“

Sabo cut you off, “I’m sure. It’s really fine, you don’t need to worry about things like that,” he smiled and you looked away from him and then returned to your silence. 

He decided, at the very least, he could fill the air. He began talking about anything and everything, and you seemed like you were listening at least. That was good. You weren’t really saying anything other than little things for him to continue, but that was better than nothing. 

********

Oh your head hurt. It hurt like hell. You could easily ignore it though, you needed to keep your composure. For a moment, you weren’t entirely sure where you were. Until you saw Sabo in front of you, and realized he was standing in front of some old-looking building. You supposed this was where you were staying. You couldn’t fully remember how you got here, only vague things from the journey stuck with you. You shook your head, it didn’t matter. The lights were on you now.

“This place looks a lot older than the last time I saw it…” Sabo remarked.

“You’ve been here before?” You questioned and he turned to look at you. For some reason, his expression seemed to soften upon looking at you. You chose to ignore that as it certainly meant nothing and you were crazy. 

“Yeah, on a different mission. Now that I think about it, it was probably one of the first missions I went on by myself…” he mused. 

“Really? That was probably a while ago then…no wonder it looks older,” you responded and he let out a scoff of some sort. 

“Are you calling me old?” He laughed and it took you a moment to realize he was teasing you and not actually offended.

“Maybe,” you retorted and he smiled at that.

“How rude, I’m hurt.”

“You’ll get over it,” you shrugged and his smile seemed to widen. 

It was just! You didn’t usually pick up on his teasing right away, and you had seemed so out of sorts earlier too. He was ecstatic to have a conversation like this with you. He laughed again, and that was when he noticed the small smile on your face. His heart felt like it was going to fly out of his chest. 

Though, he realized in front of the doors of a hotel was probably not the best place to stop and have conversation. Sabo proceeded to hold the door open for you, “After you,” he spoke.

“How kind, even after I called you old you’re still so gentlemanly,” you said as you made your way through the door.

“I’m always a gentleman, no matter what,” he huffed as he followed behind you.

You laughed a little at that and it was painfully difficult for him to not combust at the sound. He really did find you adorable and it was killing him, just a little. 

“Shouldn’t we get checked in?” You asked, and he was a bit disappointed your banter was over. Though, he supposed he’d find more time today, your real work didn’t start until tomorrow anyways. 

“Probably. Follow me,” he lead you to the counter and you simply watched as he checked in with the person behind it. You felt a little bit lighter, maybe he had some sort of positive impact on you, you wondered. Though there was a feeling in your chest that wouldn’t go away, you ignored it. 

After a few moments, Sabo handed you a key and you thanked him.

“Our rooms are right next to each other, I’ll lead the way,” he smiled and you quickly followed behind him.

Upon arriving at your door, he spoke. “You go get settled in, we can get something to eat in a bit, yeah?”

You hesitated a little at this, but you forced out an “Alright,” and a smile in response. He made his way to his own room and bid you a brief farewell.

Upon entering the room, your head felt like it managed to get louder. No matter how much you pleaded for them to just shut up, just stop talking, they wouldn’t. You had something nice right now. You should enjoy it. You should all enjoy it. But they wouldn’t listen. 

You slammed a fist into your head in an attempt to get them to stop. But it didn’t do anything at all. 

It just got worse. You’re awful, one of them said. There’s no way in hell he could like something like us, another chimed in. Or maybe it was the same voice. You couldn’t tell. Everything was jumbled. And blurry and messy and it wasn’t working the way it usually did. 

“I’m not expecting that,” you answered. “I just think it’d be good to enjoy any semblance of friendship.”

What’s the point in that? They retorted. He’s just going to hate you anyways. 

“I know that! I know that! But can’t we enjoy anything? Please?” You were trying not to raise your voice.

It’s just going to end with you getting hurt. I don’t want that for you, for us. 

“I know! I know! But! Please, please, we don’t need to do this now! We can do this later! Please! Just let me enjoy this!” You yelled, though you didn’t even realize it. 

A knock, that was almost frantic, came at your door. Followed by an extremely familiar voice. 

It was then you realized what a stupid position you were in. Curled up on the dirty, worn, floor. Your hands tangled in your hair, warm tears streaming down your face. You certainly looked worse than normal now!

Now look what you’ve done. They spoke again.

“Shut up. It’s your fault,” you mumbled and they went silent. “Of course now you go. Now. When I need help.” You groaned and attempted to make yourself at least look somewhat okay. You weren’t sure how you were going to get out of this.

********

Sabo had been extremely delighted at the thought of getting to spend more time with you before you really had to get to work. Yes, he was still concerned about you, but you were close enough by he didn’t have to worry as much. You had also seemed to be doing at least a bit better for the moment too, and he was glad for that.

He looked around the room he was staying in, it was small, but it was plenty enough room. He wanted to drag you out of your room to go eat already, he was starving, but…he figured he should give you a bit more time to settle in.

He plopped down onto the bed and stretched out. It was pretty comfy, especially for how used it probably was. 

It was then he heard something bizarre from you next door. It sounded like…talking, but it was so muffled by the walls he couldn’t really tell. 

Just as he was about to press his ear to the wall to try and hear better, your voice was perfectly audible. You yelled, the words you were saying didn’t make sense in general, but especially because you should be alone. 

A sense of panic went through him and before he knew it, he was knocking at your door and calling your name.

It took a few moments, and they felt agonizingly long, but you eventually opened the door. Sabo stepped into the room and shut the door behind him without a word. He looked around. He heard you mumble something at him, but he didn’t answer. You were alone. It was just you.

“Why were you—“ he turned to look at you and immediately stopped upon seeing you. You had very obviously been crying and made a really poor attempt at hiding it. 

“Um…” you mumbled and fiddled with the sleeve of your shirt. You were panicking, you could feel it.

“…Can I ask you something?” Sabo spoke, his eyes did not leave you. You nodded. “Who…who are you?”

You froze at this. That was not the question you had expected. You had expected a “Who were you talking to?” or something like that. Not this. Not for him to ask who you were. This was wrong. This was wrong. You were normal! You were perfectly normal! You were normal! There wasn’t anyone else! It was just you! Just you!

The stage lights flickered and flickered and flickered and it made you dizzy. You wanted to throw up. 

Sabo spoke again, “Sorry. I know who you are. That’s not what I meant,” he scratched his head in thought. “I’m asking you…you’re different than the you I was talking to before, right?”

You were stumped. You didn’t know how to answer that question. You didn’t even know the answer yourself. It was probably yes. You knew that, but you just stood there, and stared at him in horror.

“I’m not,” he seemed to be thinking of how to word what he wanted to say. “I’m not freaked out or anything, I promise. Okay? You don’t have to look at me like that. I just,” he smiled and you continued to just stare at him. “I noticed it a while ago. Sometimes you’re really different, and sometimes it’s just little things that change. I wondered if you even knew it was happening, and I get the feeling you do know,” he smiled again in an attempt to lighten the mood. It failed.

“Um…” your head was loud, painfully loud, it was taking everything in you to not yell again. “Um…give me a moment…okay…?” you said and stumbled to the room’s bathroom.

Sabo almost wanted to follow after you, you looked like you were barely keeping yourself standing. He had already dropped a bomb of sorts on you though, he figured he shouldn’t intrude any further without asking. He really regretted saying anything. 

Tell him to leave. Get rid of him. What the hell are you even doing? A voice spoke.

There’s no point in that. It’s already over, you replied.

It doesn’t have to be. Tell him he’s wrong. They retorted. 

You shook your head, No. It’s over. Let me crush it with our own hands, okay? We can get hurt again, and it can be all my fault, you sighed. I really do wish things were different. 

We don’t live in that world. We live in this one. They stopped for a moment. You really are an idiot. 

I know, you smiled. 

Everyone’s going to be mad. 

It’s fine. I couldn’t behave right. I failed to play my role. He will hate us, like he was always meant to, and I will take responsibility. Just let me handle it, you finished. 

They went silent for a moment. If that’s what you really want, and they said no more. 

For the moment, it was quiet. You exited the bathroom and Sabo was right where you left him. The stage lights were on you, and they were painfully bright. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. 

“I’m sorry for that,” you started. “To answer your question, yes. And, no, I’m not always aware of it. Most of the time I’m not. It’s rare that I am,” you smiled as you spoke. He looked like he wanted to say something, but you didn’t let him. “Congratulations. You figured me out, you realized something is wrong with me. You are going to hate me. That is the only way this ever ends,” your smile faltered at this, but you persisted. You had a role to play. 

“I’m not going to hate you, I already told you I’m not bothered. I want to understand,” Sabo moved towards you, and you stepped back. He was a bit hurt by that, but he didn’t comment on it. “I want to understand you. You almost always seem like you’re struggling. You were just in here crying before I came in weren’t you?”

“That does not matter. I don’t need you to understand me. I am not your friend. I am just something you tolerate,” your smile wobbled. 

“I’ve never thought of you as someone I’m just tolerating,” he protested. “You are my friend,” he’d like it if you were more. Now was a terrible time to say that though. “I want to understand you, okay?” He stepped closer again, and you did not back up this time. 

“Why?” was the only thing you could think to say. Sabo was not doing what he was supposed to do. He was supposed to be repulsed by you, realize you were just some freakish monster, and get rid of you. 

“What do you mean ‘why?’ I care about you,” he sighed. “Ever since your last mission I’ve been trying to keep a better eye on you. You really worried me last time. That’s when I started noticing things, and I realized how bad your memory is,” he reached a hand out to pet your head, and you didn’t move away. Though you first tensed at the contact, you seemed to lean into it after a moment. He smiled at that. “I don’t know a lot about topics regarding psychology like that, but I’d be happy to learn to better understand you.”

You let out a sob and you stumbled a little, and Sabo quickly steadied you and pulled you into his arms. He continued petting your head as he held you. 

You sniffled pathetically. You had failed at your role once again and this didn’t go how it was supposed to. You wondered if it was okay, maybe. Maybe you could trust him. He was being so nice to you. It would be nice to have someone to talk to about this. It got so lonely. It was so isolating. It would be nice to have someone not think you were a freak for something out of your control. It would be nice. It would be nice if, maybe, every part could be accepted by him. It would be nice. You wondered if that was even possible, but then you felt his hand on your head again and you didn’t care anymore. You really, really did like him. 

You sniffled again, and you went against everything you knew, and spoke again. “I like you. A lot. I want you to understand. Please,” your voice was muffled against him but he got the message loud and clear. 

Sabo’s face heated up almost instantly, and he was grateful you couldn’t see him. To think, he was just thinking about how terrible of an idea it was to tell you how he felt. “I like you a lot too,” he responded, “All of you. I want to understand all of you better.” 

You pulled back to look at him, and your tear-stained face made his heart squeeze in his chest. “You really mean it…?” you asked.

“Of course. I really mean it,” he moved a hand to wipe a stray tear off your face and you practically nuzzled into it. This was new, he supposed he really had a lot to learn.

“I want to learn to trust you,” you replied, your cheek still in his hand.

“We both have a lot to learn then,” Sabo chuckled a little and you smiled in return. He liked that.

ao3 link if you'd prefer

You hadn’t intended for this to happen. In all honesty, you spoke without even thinking. You had overheard Sabo talking and what he had felt like it was targeting you. Even though you knew better, even though he had no idea about your past, it still didn’t feel good. 

“Every form of nobility is rotten,” was what he had said. It had made a feeling of guilt rise up in your stomach. You were no longer one of them, you had long since abandoned that life. Once you were properly able to think for yourself, you had left. But…maybe it was the fact that it was coming from him that made you feel bad. The thought of Sabo, the person you admired, hating you for a path you had not chosen and run away from, made you feel terrible. 

So you spoke without thinking, a simple “I don’t know if I’d say all of them are,” as a means of defending yourself of sorts. 

Almost immediately, something in his expression had warped. You couldn’t even properly recall what he had said after that. Something angry, you knew that much. Something mean. He’d yelled at you, and you knew you really shouldn’t have said anything, nor taken what he’d previously said to heart. It wasn’t about you, it never was, and you knew that. He had no idea, so it couldn’t be. 

Now, after fleeing from that scene after you had angered him, you were in your quarters, pondering. You knew you should apologize and explain. If you simply explained yourself, he would probably understand. Probably. Though that “probably” was what was making it hard to figure out what to do. You didn’t know if you could even get the words out.

Before you could think further, a knock came at your door.

*******

Sabo did not want to hear that from anyone, especially not you. He was mad, to say the least. Part of him figured he probably shouldn’t be, you likely had some sort of reason for believing that. He had probably reacted too hastily, he thought. Though he was too frustrated to really care. 

“What’s with you?” A voice from the doorway caught his attention. He hadn’t even noticed when she’d even entered his office. 

“Oh. Koala,” was the only thing he said upon turning around.

She looked him over, “What are you so mad about?” and reworded her previous question.

Sabo sighed. He thought about whether he should actually say anything or not. Though he also figured she probably wouldn’t drop it entirely either. He let out a sigh of surrender and begrudgingly explained what had occurred. 

She thought for a moment, and then spoke. “I can tell you why they said that.”

He was honestly kind of surprised she knew. “If you know, I’d love to hear it,” he came off a bit more sarcastic than he meant to. Koala rolled her eyes at this.

“They were born a Celestial Dragon,” she said, “they ran away from it, obviously. They wouldn’t be here otherwise,” she paused for a moment. “If anything, they’re similar to you in that regard.”

A feeling of guilt came over him. He knew you probably had a reason, but he didn’t stop and think about that in the middle of being frustrated with you. He sighed once again. 

“You should probably talk to them huh?” Koala asked, she sounded almost teasing.

“I’ll be back,” was all he said as he went to go find you. He could’ve sworn he heard Koala poorly stifle a laugh.

It was after that he found himself outside your door.

********

When you opened the door, he was not the person you had expected to see on the other side.

“Oh, Chief,” you started, “I was going to come talk to you…um, come in…” you moved to let him in and he obliged without comment. 

You shut the door behind him, “Um, I was going to talk to you about before. I wanted to expl-“

Sabo cut you off, “Koala told me,” he looked at you, “I wanted to apologize.”

“You don’t need to. It’s-“

He once again cut you off, “No, I shouldn’t have lashed out like that. I scared you, didn’t I?”

You look away from him at this. He very much did. You couldn’t even recall what exactly he’d said, just that he was mad.

He sighed for what felt like the 100th time today. “I thought so. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, really. I’m sorry for what I said too,” you smiled at him.

“I can understand where you were coming from,” you cocked your head at this. He smiled a little at the sight. “I was born a noble,” he clarified.

This was completely new information to you, and it seemed your surprise was obvious as he laughed a little. “I never told you that?” He questioned.

“No, not that I remember,” you responded.

“Huh,” Sabo mused. “Well, my point is, I get where you were coming from. But you’re not one anymore, you don’t have to defend yourself.”

“…I know that,” you sighed, “It’s just…” you paused in thought for a moment. “…I thought about you feeling that way towards me I guess…”

Sabo smiled again at this and proceeded to ruffle your hair. “Ridiculous, I won’t think  like that of you.”

ao3 link if you'd prefer

“Disgusting” was more often than not the only word that popped into your head when you saw yourself. Or when you thought about yourself in any context. Though it tended to go hand-in-hand with other words too, that feeling of disgust was always there. It had always been this way, since the moment you could think. 

Constantly reminded over and over and over and over that you were something hideous. It had been drilled into your skull the moment you were brought into existence. You were something unlovable, something ugly, something detestable. 

You were stuck being tormented by those reminders over and over. Being in the presence of other people made it worse, but you could force yourself. You could always be exactly what everyone wanted. Even if you were a disgusting monster, you could at least make everyone laugh. You could at least make them happy! That had to count for something. Even if you were unsightly at least everyone was laughing. 

Getting any sort of compliments on your physical appearance was rare. When they did happen, they just made you feel sick. Even if you knew it was unfair to automatically assume the other party was lying, it was hard not to. It was hard not to wonder who would ever say something like that to you and mean it. Even if someone did mean it, it was just with some intent to use you to their benefit. You were stupid after-all. You could easily fall for anything when you’re that stupid. Something as repulsive as you could never ever be loved. 

“Love” comes in the form of something that makes you feel rotten. If you are not left feeling terrible, then it is not the “love” you know. It is not the “love” you deserve. You are a monster. You deserve to be left feeling ruined. You deserve to sit with constant reminders that you are unsightly. That is the “love” you receive and that is what you take. And you return it with nothing but kindness. Nothing but care.

But even still. Even still. Despite everything, there was still some form of hope sleeping inside of you. Hope that maybe one day things would change. Maybe that you were wrong. Maybe that someone would just look at you and mean it. That they would not see you for the monster you were but they would see you as something else. You could not fathom where this lick of hope even came from. Maybe it was just in your nature, maybe it was just to keep you from losing it completely. Who was to say?

Being somewhere with as many people as the Revolutionary Army had was fairly detrimental to you. But you would not complain. It gave you a place to be, a place that was not where you had been stuck before. Even if you did not belong, even if being surrounded by that many people made you feel terrible, it was better. 

You could get by well enough. Sure, most of the people that you interacted with probably didn’t like you or were at the very least repulsed by your presence. But it was fine. You could be what they wanted, you could do your job, and you could get by. Perhaps the idea of doing anything good at all for the world you were stuck in did make you feel a little pride. 

Though presently, you were in your quarters feeling anything but that. You had come to a halt in front of the mirror, you had simply been passing by. You saw your reflection out of the corner of your eye and that word filled your head. You could do nothing but look at the beast staring back at you. You could only acknowledge that that beast had to be you, because that was how mirrors worked. 

You raised a hand to touch your face and watched the reflection do the same. Oh how you wished you could dig your nails into the skin and just rip and tear. Tear it to shreds, leave nothing but the meat and bones underneath. You could watch your reflection do the same. Tear and tear and rip, blood seeping its way under your nails, dripping down your hands and your arms all the while. Surely, if you could do that, what would be left of your horrible reflection would be something less hideous than what existed now. 

You pulled your hand back as your reflection mimicked you. You had been pressing a lot harder into your skin than you’d realized. A few funny looking indents where your nails had been sat under your eye. You laughed a little at that, you kind of wished they’d just stay. Just as a reminder for what you wished you could do. 

You came to your senses, you didn’t have time to be distracted like this now. You had a meeting to attend. You hastily made your way out of your room, and hoped you were not the last one there.

********

Thankfully, you weren’t. They were seemingly still waiting on a few other people even after you had arrived and sat down. 

You really didn’t enjoy meetings like these, even though you never chimed in during them. They always got so loud, and they were crowded. They always, always left you feeling unpleasant. Though, you supposed you deserved that. So it was fine.

Unbeknownst to you, amidst your pondering someone had sat down beside you. “…ey. Hey,” the voice finally reached your stupid ears and you looked over. “You okay?” Sabo questioned as he gave you some sort of smile.

“Oh! I didn’t see you. Yes, I’m okay,” you returned said smile, like you always did. With everyone. Though something in his expression faltered, you wondered if it didn’t reach your eyes properly. “…Are you okay?” You felt like asking it back was the right thing to do. 

Sabo laughed a little at this, “I’m okay. Thanks for asking.” An almost puzzled look crossed his features as he looked at you. “What happened?” 

You cocked your head at this, you had no idea what he could possibly be referring to.

He pointed underneath his own eye, “Here. You have a weird mark.” 

Then it clicked, you were surprised the nail indents from before hadn’t fully faded. You were also amazed he noticed something that small. He paid way too much attention to something like you. “Oh…um I’m not sure. I probably did something without thinking. It’ll go away,” you lied easily. 

He didn’t seem satisfied, but he wasn’t given a chance to say anything else as Dragon started speaking. 

********

The meeting came and went, and you snuck out before Sabo could say anymore to you. He was distracted anyways, he had plenty of other people that were way more important to talk to. 

He was always hard for you to properly interact with. He was way too nice to you, and that was not something you were used to. It made you feel…guilty. It made you feel sick. You really wished he’d just berate you or something. Anything. Anything mean or violent would work and it would feel better. You’d deserve that more. 

Though he was always nice to everyone, so you supposed it was just how he was. He did seem to go out of his way to talk to you, and you never understood it. He always sat by you in meetings like before, he’d always find some way to get near you to talk. It never made sense. Maybe it was a joke, or something. Or a dare. Talk to the disgusting beast, get close to them, something like that. It didn’t matter. If it was that, you deserved it.

Aside from his niceness, Sabo was also painfully keen when it came to people. You had been reminded of that earlier when he noticed the (now faded) mark on your face. You weren’t even aware he’d been looking at you that intently. 

That keenness made it hard for you to be the way you were supposed to around him. It always felt like he was looking right through you, like he knew something was up with you. He never outright said it, but you could feel it.

All-in-all, Sabo was already painfully difficult for you to deal with. This was then combined with the fact that you had developed some sort of crush on him, which just made everything worse. 

Feelings such as that were not something you allowed yourself to feel. You knew it was both unlikely to come to fruition and unfair to the other party. Having feelings like that for someone just made you feel even more like a monster. Surely it was just purely insulting for something like you to like someone. Surely, no matter how nice someone was to you, if they found that out they’d recoil. Those feelings were not something you were supposed to feel, and yet they persisted. 

You sighed as you opened the door to your quarters. You didn’t even really remember what the meeting was about, but you were aware it was namely a recap of certain achievements. Though, with that out of the way, your day was done. You were feee to sit with those feelings as much as you liked, nobody would bother you.

********

Sabo was disappointed upon realizing you had already left after the meeting ended. He had wanted to talk to you a bit more! He just ended up in conversations he couldn’t walk away from. Well, he could’ve. He just didn’t want to be scolded. It was just unfortunate you had already vanished in the time it took for those to finish. 

You didn’t ever stay longer than needed when it came to meetings. You did always seem at least vaguely uncomfortable during them, or well, Sabo thought so. He’d noticed it shortly after you joined, though he’d never gotten a chance to ask you about it. He wondered if you were just bad with large groups of people. 

He paid way more attention to you than he seemed to with most people. Something about you just seemed to catch his attention. 

Well he did have an idea as to why. Admittedly, he had developed feelings for you. Would he tell you that? Not anytime soon if he could help it. That was way too embarrassing. But he couldn’t help being drawn to you. You were just appealing to him and he often found himself dragging you into conversations with him. Now that he had started thinking about this…he wanted to talk to you more today. He wished he could get you out of your shell a bit more. But you had likely already returned to your room and he’d feel bad to disturb you for no reason. 

Sabo scratched his head in thought and then came to the realization that he should not be thinking about this right now. He had plenty of things he needed to look over, reports, upcoming missions, things of that nature. He supposed the thoughts of you would have to wait until later. 

********

Today was awful. Awful. Some days were fine! You could feel normal, you could avoid thinking about those things. But today was different. 

You had dared brave the mess-hall at a normal mealtime. You had dared to step in somewhere you were not allowed to be. There were stares thrown your way the whole time, stares full of judgement. Full of hate. You knew those stares good and well, you got them all the time before you came here too. They were your mother’s speciality, so you should know! 

If that wasn’t enough to make you want to run and slam your head into the nearest wall, what followed was. You were going to leave and take your food elsewhere. Though a couple people called out to you, you didn’t recognize them. You wondered if they were new or if it was just your memory failing you like usual. Probably the latter, since they addressed you by name.

You smiled and walked up to them, and they asked you to sit with them. You were going to turn them down, but something in you had other plans and agreed. This was a bad choice. They chatted with you at first. It was simple mundane conversation, and for a moment you almost didn’t mind it. You let yourself even get close to comfortable and that was when it backfired. 

Comments, jokes, pointed at you. Things that you should find funny even though they were at your suspense. Even though they were practically just saying what they thought of you. 

It was just a joke, after-all. It would be wrong of you to comment on it. If you didn’t laugh along, if you said something, you’d be in the wrong. It’s supposed to be funny. You can’t be sensitive and comment on it, you can’t. All you could do was just smile and laugh. 

You couldn’t get yourself to eat much of anything. You knew you should’ve just denied the offer to sit, you didn’t know why you agreed. There was no point in staying here, you made an attempt to excuse yourself amidst their jokes and laughter.

One of them looked at you, “You’re done? You barely ate anything!” A comment that felt way heavier than it should.

“I’m not really…I don’t eat that much anyways so…” you replied as you turned to leave with the untouched food in hand.

“That’s surprising,” you knew what that meant. You knew good and well what that meant. The laugh that came with it was just further confirmation. You knew what that meant. 

You let out some form of response and started to walk away. You were not paying enough attention to where you were going though and you almost bumped into someone. You only realized due to the feeling of hands on your shoulders to stop you. You flinched a little both at the sudden contact and the fact that you almost ran into them.

“Woah, where are you off to?” A familiar voice spoke.

“Oh. I’m sorry, Sabo. I wasn’t paying attention,” you responded.

“I can tell,” he teased and finally removed his hands from your shoulders. “Are you going to throw all of that away?”

You felt guilty at that question, you were going to. You knew it was a waste but you couldn’t eat it. “Ah…yeah. I’m not that hungry,” you smiled and he gave you a bizarre look.

“I’ll take it. No point in wasting it, just means I get two meals,” the odd look on his face quickly reverted back to a smile. 

“Oh…! Okay,” you were a bit surprised by this. You couldn’t really fathom someone wanting something that had been touched by you, but he happily took it from you. He almost immediately shoved a piece of the food in his mouth. Something about that was embarrassing. 

“Thank you,” he spoke through chewing. “Oh I wanted to talk to you about something. Can you meet me at my office in say…twenty minutes?” He shoved another piece of food in his mouth.

“…? Of course,” you were confused about what he could possibly need but you were not going to tell him no. “I’ll be on my way then,” you smiled and bid him a temporary adieu. He shot you a smile as you left and went to, you assume, get more food.

You made your way to his office, you didn’t really see much point in going anywhere else in the meantime.

********

Sabo eventually showed up and he seemed slightly surprised you were waiting for him, though he didn’t directly comment on it. He held the door open for you and said a “come in,” as you entered.

He shut the door behind him and walked over to his desk. You watched as he dug through piles of papers, and his eyes seemed to light up when he found exactly what he was looking for. 

“It’s a mission I wanted to assign to you,” he started. “I’d be going with you.”

That was at least mildly frightening, but you didn’t comment on it. “What kind of mission?” 

“Infiltration,” he answered. You didn’t particularly dislike those kinds of missions, usually. 

“Infiltrating where?”

“A really fancy party,” Sabo smiled at that, and you winced at that reveal. “The kind of place that we’d have to dress in a particular way for. I think the two of us would be great for it,” did he just want to see you dressed up? Maybe. Maybe it was partly an excuse for that. He wasn’t going to say that though, that wouldn’t be right.

You didn’t want to do that. You couldn’t do that. You’d stand out like a sore thumb, you’d ruin everything. Something as vile as you could not attend something like that. No matter what you wore, you would be hideous. But he was your superior, and you had no right to deny this. You had no place to tell him you weren’t doing this mission. You knew that. And yet your mouth moved on its own.

“No, thank you. Please find someone else to go with,” the words were out of your mouth before you could process them.

“Pardon?” He questioned, and you couldn’t tell if he was mad or simply taken aback by this response from you.

“Um…” you were now stuck trying to deal with why you even said that. You had no intentions of denying him, but you couldn’t really take it back now. “I don’t…I just don’t think I’d be a good fit for a mission like that,” you attempted to laugh it off. “I think you could find plenty of other people that are better fitting. I’m sorry, Chief,” you threw in the ‘Chief’ as an attempt of some sort of good-will.

“I…I see,” Sabo was at a loss. He couldn’t recall you ever saying no to much of anything, especially not something he’d asked of you. He was almost proud of you for it, but something about the way you denied it wasn’t sitting right. He’d hold back for now though. “That’s alright. I’ll assign it to someone else,” he smiled though he realized you were no longer looking at him.

“I’m sorry. I can do it if you really want me to,” you back-pedaled.

“No, you made yourself clear. It’s not a big issue, I’ll assign it to someone else.”

“…Alright. Thank you for understanding and again, I’m sorry,” you forced a smile and Sabo did not return it.

“It’s fine. I’ll let you know when I have something else for you, okay?”

“Okay. I’ll take my leave then,” you nodded a goodbye at him and he just smiled and sat back down at his desk.

You felt nothing but guilt as you left the room.

********

Sabo could easily do this mission with someone else. He could assign it to anyone, he just wanted to go with you. He never expected you to say you didn’t want to. You usually accepted anything without much complaint, this was a new side of you.

He was glad you were able to do that, truly he was. At times he wondered how often you did things that were detrimental to you in some way simply because you were told to. 

Just…he didn’t know specifically what, but something seemed like it was wrong. Something was off with you. You looked almost panicked when he said where this infiltration was taking place, like you were holding something back.

Sabo sighed, he supposed he couldn’t do anything right now. You didn’t seem like you’d tell him anything. He’d just have to keep a bit of an eye on you when he could. 

At the moment, he had to find someone else to either give this to or to go on it with him. He had other things that needed his attention, but he would keep his concern for you in the back of his mind. 

********

You were stupid. You were so painfully stupid. You had no idea why you’d done that, you never should’ve said anything. He was probably secretly furious with you. Denying an important mission purely because of your own selfish problems? You were absolutely stupid. You were the worst.

The door to your quarters opened with an annoying loud creak and you slammed it shut. The lock clicked and you stepped into the dim light of the room. Before you even realized it, you found yourself in front of that godforsaken mirror again.

You looked awful, as always. You were atrocious. Surely, even if it was selfish, denying that was the right thing to do. Something like you was not fit to go somewhere like that, even if it was for a mission. You’d just ruin everything. You’d mess it up. Though attempts at trying to assure yourself that you made the right move were not working. You knew you were terrible. 

If only, if only you didn’t look like this. If only you weren’t something repulsive. If only. If only you were different. You could function better. You could behave better. Maybe everyone would stop looking at you like that. Maybe everyone would stop treating you like that. Maybe everything would stop. If only you weren’t some stupid, unsightly, monster. If only you could be some semblance of human.

If only you could get out of this body. If only you could get out of this skin. If only you could just tear it off, layer by layer. Whatever was underneath would surely be better than what you were now. 

Your nails dug into your arm. You scratched. And scratched and scratched and scratched and scratched and scratched. It had to come off. It had to. If you kept scratching it would come off. If you dug your nails in and pressed and scratched and scratched and scratched you could take it off. But it wasn’t doing anything. It was just bloody. Blood and bits of skin were stuck under your nails. 

You decided to try the other arm. Maybe you had just chosen the wrong place! Maybe you could get it off if you tried somewhere else! You repeated similar ministrations on the other arm. Digging and scratching, attempting to tear it off. You just had to get the skin off, you just had to get out. You could be normal if you could get out. If you got out, maybe, maybe, maybe things could be different. 

You were left disappointed again though. All that you managed were ugly, bloody wounds. Wounds that felt like nothing now, wounds you’d forget the origins of, but they were pulsating as proof that they were real. Your skin wasn’t coming off. You couldn’t get it off. You couldn’t get out. You were stuck like this. You would always be something disgusting. Forever. 

You sighed and looked at the residue stuck underneath your nails. You supposed you should clean all of this up properly. Nobody needed to know what happened, nobody needed to know. You couldn’t be anything but a beast, but at the very least you could keep pretending you weren’t.

********

You had been avoiding Sabo ever since you had told him no. Well, you supposed you weren’t exactly avoiding him. He had been out on a mission for a couple days now, so it wasn’t like not talking to him was hard.

You felt too guilty about denying something asked of you still. You didn’t know what you would even say to him, you didn’t know what you could even do. Sure, he didn’t seem to have a problem with of, but you were sure he was just pretending.

Part of you missed having someone talk to you that didn’t seem to be judging you constantly. Well, you supposed it was like that every time he was away, but it felt particularly bad this time. 

You had just been mindlessly doing whatever work you had around the base for the past few days. You’d do your work and confine yourself to your room. This was how it should be. This was how it was supposed to be. 

This awful, sinking feeling that would not leave your chest. The terrible awful thoughts that were constantly getting worse and worse. This was exactly what you deserved to feel. A disgusting, rotten, monster such as yourself didn’t deserve anything less. 

You found yourself mindlessly walking around the base. Your eyes hurt, your head hurt, at least you thought they did. You couldn’t entirely tell. You didn’t know exactly what you were doing, but it didn’t matter.

It was late, you thought. You didn’t know, but nobody was really around, so it must be. It was nice when it was quiet like this. It was nice when nobody was around, nobody was looking at you, nobody was thinking of you. The air felt breathable when it was like this. 

For a second, you thought you heard someone. The sound of shoes clicking on the floor hit your ears, but you weren’t entirely sure. You were barely aware right now, so you could just be hallucinating. That’s probably all it was. 

********

It had been another successful mission, as it usually was. Though, Sabo had spent the last hour of the return to the base being chewed out by Koala for something he wasn’t listening to. Which she wasn’t particularly happy that he wasn’t listening to her either. She had groaned at him and called him “insufferable” or something. He had laughed at this and she just groaned louder. 

Upon finally reaching the base, it had been late. Close to three in the morning, according to the old clock on the wall. They had to make their report to Dragon, despite the time. Though once that was over, Koala had said she was glad to not have to deal with him anymore, with a teasing lilt in her voice. She then bid him goodnight and Sabo returned the sentiment before heading to his room. 

Something had caught his attention though. You, standing aimlessly in the hall, seemingly staring at nothing. He called out to you, and you said nothing in return. He wondered if you were ignoring him. To be fair, you had avoided him the whole day before he left. He didn’t know exactly why, but he assumed it had to do with what happened before.

He started making his way towards you, you seemed to register the sound of his footsteps. You reacted a little, but you never turned his way. Once he got closer, he said your name, and you jumped at that. 

“Oh…sorry…welcome back, Sabo,” you mumbled out upon turning around to see him.

“What are you doing out here so late? And by yourself?” He questioned. 

You stared at him blankly for a moment, like you weren’t totally grasping what he was saying to you. Maybe you hadn’t fully processed he was in front of you. “Um…I don’t know,” was all that came out of your mouth. 

Sabo raised an eyebrow at this, “Do you want me to walk you back to your room?” At that, you seemed to return to reality.

“Oh. No. Don’t worry about it. I’m sorry for bothering you,” you smiled. “I didn’t realize what time it was, I’ll go back on my own,” you then turned to leave. 

Your behavior was not sitting right with him. He didn’t feel good about leaving you alone. He reached out and grabbed your arm to keep you from leaving. You winced at this, but you turned to look at him, you looked confused.

He loosened his grip a bit, “Sorry. Was that too hard?”

“No, you’re fine. What do you need?” You smiled. Truthfully, he had grabbed one of the spots where you had a healing self-inflicted wound. It did not feel very great to have someone with as strong of grip strength as him hold onto it, to say the least.

“I, uh…” Sabo hesitated. “I’m kind of concerned about you, that’s all.”

“I’m fine,” you responded immediately. You wanted to get back to not talking to him, you had no idea he would be back already. Guilt was once again coursing through you. Not only for what had happened the other day, but now you were being a bother after he had just returned. You attempted to leave again, but he did not let go.

“You don’t seem like it, at least let me walk you back, okay?” He smiled at you and you averted your gaze. 

“You just got back. You should go to bed, you don’t need to worry about me.”

“Why are you in such a rush to get away from me?” Sabo sighed, and you felt another wave of guilt.

“I…I’m sorry. I just…it’s late, right? Why don’t we…talk later?” Your arm was really starting to hurt. “Also…um…can you let go? You’re kind of hurting me,” you felt bad for saying anything. It wasn’t his fault that was where you hurt yourself.

He quickly let go at that, “Sorry. I don’t know my own strength,” an apologetic look crossed his features.

“Oh um…” you debated for a moment on whether to say something. “No…I just got hurt there the other day, it’s not your fault,” that was as honest as you could be, you didn’t want him to feel bad for something that was your fault. 

“You got hurt?” A new form of concern seemed to come over him. “How?”

“…I don’t remember, but it’s fine. It’s just healing,” you weren’t fully lying. You did know where it came from, very well, but you didn’t remember doing it. “You should go to bed, Sabo,” you attempted to change the subject.

He wasn’t having that. “No. I’m concerned about you. Why don’t we go talk somewhere that’s not in the middle of the hallway instead?” 

“Um…” you really wanted to tell him no. You didn’t know why he was even bothering with you, you didn’t know why he ever bothered with you. He should at the very least be upset with you, but he was just acting like he was concerned and nothing else. “But it’s late…”

“It is. And you’re out here by yourself and you don’t even know why. That’s concerning. I don’t feel good leaving you alone,” something about saying that was embarrassing. He hoped his embarrassment wasn’t obvious to you.

“Please don’t bother yourself with me. I’m fine, I promise,” you tried to reassure him, though your wording was fairly poor. 

“I’m not bothered. You’re just going to concern me more if you say things like that,” he pondered his words for a moment. “I’ve been at least a little concerned about you since the other day.”

You winced at the mention of that, you were hoping he’d forget about that. You wished he would forget and stop claiming to be worried about you. You really just wanted to leave. You wanted him to leave, either one worked. You couldn’t fathom why he was acting like he cared. You couldn’t understand why he ever bothered with you at all. Not only should he be mad at you for the other day, he should hate you in general. He should be as disgusted and repulsed with you as everyone else was. And yet here he was, at god know’s what time, trying to talk to you. “I don’t get it,” was the only thing you mumbled out. When you heard the words come out of your mouth, you realized you were crying. How pathetically disgusting. 

“Hey,” his voice was gentle and he reached a hand out to pet your head. “Let’s go talk somewhere else, okay?”

You nodded in response. There was no point in trying to protest against him anymore. You couldn’t understand anything he was saying, you couldn’t understand why he cared and you couldn’t understand why he was being so gentle with you. You wished he wouldn’t touch you. You were too hideous for that.

********

Sabo was now sitting across from you at his desk. You couldn’t read the expression on his face, but he looked maybe…sympathetic. You weren’t sure. 

“Can we talk about the other day?” He questioned. You’d prefer not to, but you nodded anyway. “Was what happened then the reason why you avoided me before I left?”

“…Yeah. I felt bad for telling you no…you’re my superior…I shouldn’t do that. I figured you were mad at me…so I avoided you…sorry,” you looked away from him. 

“I was never mad at you,” he let out a small sigh. “I was honestly a bit proud of you for telling me how you felt. You don’t ever say no to things,” he laughed a little.

“But…still! I shouldn’t have done that.”

He said your name and you glanced at him from the corner of your eye. “It’s really okay. You had your reasons. Though, I’d like to know your actual reasons, if you’d be willing.”

“I…I told you them. Someone else would’ve been better, that’s all,” your voice came out a lot quieter than you intended.

“Really? That’s it?” Sabo questioned. “I highly doubt that.”

“…Why do you even care so much?” You changed the subject.

He paused for a moment, he was a bit taken aback. “What do you mean? I…I care about you, that’s why,” he forced out. 

“Why?”

Sabo blinked in confusion, “You’re, uh. You’re important to me. So I care.” 

“Why? That’s not how it’s supposed to work. You’re not supposed to think of me like that,” you continued with your questioning.

He could not understand what you were talking about. “What I’m ‘supposed to’? What are you talking about?”

“I don’t understand you. At all. You don’t act the way you’re supposed to. I don’t know why you do anything you do. I don’t know why you’re sitting here late at night talking to me. I don’t understand,” the more you talked the more you wished your mouth would shut. You had no reason to be saying any of this. You had no reason to tell him.

Sabo was extremely confused, to say the least. “I told you, I’m worried about you. I don’t know what you think I’m su—“

“I did not ask for you to be concerned about me,” you interrupted, though your voice lacked any sort of tone. “I don’t need that. Concern, pity, whatever it is. I don’t need you to feel that way towards me. You have plenty of more important things to deal with. There is no reason to focus on something like me. I am fine. Always.”

That last part was probably the only thing he’d understood, and it was what he needed to get an idea of what you were doing. This was some sort of attempt at pushing him away, just not one that was very convincing to him. Hearing you claim to be fine after he’d watched you start to cry a few minutes ago, seemingly unprompted, made that hard to believe. Though before he could try to talk again, you kept going.

“I don’t need anything from you. You should open your eyes and treat me the way you’re supposed to. Please stop being nice to me. Please see what everyone else sees. Please hate me. You’ll be better for it,” you smiled, a smile that made Sabo’s heart twist. You weren’t crying, but you looked like you wanted to.

 “I really, really don’t know what you’re talking about,” he finally managed to talk before you started up again. “I’m not going to hate you, and I don’t know what you’re expecting from me. I don’t know how you think everyone sees you, either,” he really would like to understand the meaning behind the words you were spewing at him.

Your expression contorted at this, “Everyone thinks I’m disgusting. Everyone here. Everyone not here. But you. You’re nice to me and I hate it. I hate it so much,” you let out an unsteady breath. “I can’t stand it. I don’t understand it at all. It makes me feel sick. I don’t deserve to be treated like that. I want you to hate me. I’ll understand it then! I can understand that! But you’re always nice and it doesn’t make sense to me! You shouldn’t be that way to something like me!” 

“You want me to hate you?” Sabo repeated back to you, he was asking for some sort of clarification. 

“Yes! That’s what I’ve been telling you this whole time. I know how I’m supposed to be treated and you’re not doing it. Please,” you pleaded, “treat me in a way I can understand. I can’t understand that kindness at all.”

If he had not already been frowning extremely hard, Sabo was sure he would be now. He took a deep breath, he would talk to you as best as he could. He wanted to help you, to calm you down at least, so he would sure try.

“I’m sorry, I can’t give you what you want,” he smiled slightly, “I can’t hate you, no matter how much you beg for it,” he stopped for a moment as he tried to decide if this was okay to say to you now. “I feel the opposite towards you, but let’s talk about that later, when you’re not demanding I be mean to you, yeah?” He stifled his embarrassment at that, he’d hoped it would elicit some different reaction out of you and it sure did. 

You started crying again, “Why? Why? That’s not…you’re not supposed to. You can’t…” you sniffled pathetically and he winced a little at the sound. “I’m not…something that can be loved. I know that. I’ve been told. Lots. So why are you saying that to me…? I don’t understand,” Sabo now felt like he had made a really big misstep. This was a new reaction, sure, just not one he expected.

He watched as you pitifully cried across from him, he really wanted to do something. He just didn’t know what. “I don’t…I don’t know who told you that,” he started as he tried to find the right and least embarrassing words. “And it doesn’t matter who either. They’re wrong. I’m quite fond of you after-all,” he was painfully embarrassed but you didn’t seem aware enough to pick up on that.

“But I’m…I’m disgusting…so you can’t,” you spoke between sniffles. “I’m…I shouldn’t even be near you…you shouldn’t be nice to me…” you were repeating yourself at this point. 

Sabo gave you an empathetic smile, “I don’t know who told you you’re disgusting, but I don’t think that way of you at all. I’m sorry,” his voice once again had that gentle tone. “I’m sorry you’re so used to being mistreated. You don’t deserve that like you seem to think you do. I’m sorry I didn’t notice how you were feeling,” he finished and you just seemed to cry harder. 

He wasn’t sure if he had messed up or not as you continuously mumbled out the same things you’d been repeating. He really wondered if it would be okay to hold you, he kind of felt like you needed something to ground you. It was then he noticed your nails were scratching and digging into the back of your hand. Sabo quickly got up and grabbed your wrist. You looked at him at this, your tear-stained face was tugging at his heartstrings. 

He persevered, “Hey, don’t do that, you’re going to hurt yourself,” he spoke in that same tone and it did seem to be doing something to you. Whether it was good or not was up for debate. Though, once the word “hurt” left his mouth he remembered what you said before about your arm. He wondered if you’d done that to yourself. He wouldn’t ask now though. “Why are you scratching yourself?” He settled on a different question. 

“I want it off,” was the only thing you said and Sabo raised a brow at this.

“You want what off? Your skin?” He wondered if he was understanding you properly.

You nodded at that, “If I can get it off…I won’t be disgusting anymore,” you answered. His heart felt like it sank.

“Oh,” he whispered. He supposed that answered the question he didn’t ask too. He decided to ignore his previous idea that holding you was maybe not good, and he pulled you into his chest. You stiffened at first, but after a moment you seemed to melt into it. He felt you cling to him almost hesitantly, though he didn’t comment on it. He heard you sniffle again and a protective feeling washed over him. He hated that you felt like this, he hated to see you this miserable, he hated knowing this was something you’d seemingly been feeling for a long time. Though, he was at least glad you were allowing yourself his attempt at affection.

“Can I ask you something?” Sabo questioned as he begun gently petting your head. He felt you nod against him, he supposed that was his sign to keep talking. “Is that the reason you didn’t want to do that mission? Because you feel like that about yourself?”

He felt you nod again. A mix of emotions seemed to go through him. He felt awful for you, but he was also mad. Mad that you even felt that way in the first place and to this extent. If he could take all of those feelings upon himself, he happily would. Unfortunately, it didn’t work that way and all he could do was try to make you at least feel a bit better. You were calming down, so he was doing something correct.

“Do you want to know a secret?” He asked, and waited to feel your nod. Though this time you mumbled out an “okay,” and he supposed that worked the same. 

“I wanted you on that mission ‘cause,” even though you weren’t looking at him, telling you was still embarrassing. He hadn’t intended to tell you anything he’d said regarding his feelings like this, and this was included in that. “I wanted to see you all dressed up for it,” Sabo could feel his face burning, and he was sure it was not his devil fruit.

“…To make fun of me?” he heard you mumble against him. Maybe he should’ve thought that out a bit more. 

“No, no,” he hurriedly corrected. “Because I like you,” he was really glad you weren’t looking at him. “I wanted to see you, because I like you. I don’t find you disgusting, okay? I’m not lying about that,” he clarified as best as he could.

You seemed to understand for the moment, though he knew you probably wouldn’t really be able to accept it. “You’re way too nice,” you mumbled as seemed to find a way to cling to him further. “I like you too,” you spoke and it was almost inaudible, but he heard it.

He had kind of figured that out already. He wasn’t really sure when, but he wasn’t at all surprised by this declaration. Maybe it was in the middle of what you said, maybe it was way sooner than today. He didn’t know, he just knew he wasn’t at all surprised when you stated you returned his feelings. “Really? I’m glad you feel the same,” Sabo answered.

You then, to his dismay for a number of reasons, pulled back and looked at him. “Are you really? You’re not upset?” 

He was a bit puzzled by the question. “Why would I be upset that you feel the same as me?” 

“Because…” he noticed you fiddling with his jacket. He was, admittedly, extremely endeared by this. “Because um…I didn’t ever tell you because I thought it would be really gross…for you…if you knew that something like me liked you…like that,” you trailed off. 

Sabo wished you would stop referring to yourself as “something,” but he chose not to comment on that for now. He spoke your name, “I am not disgusted by you. I promise. It’s not gross for you to have feelings for me, okay?”

“…Am I really…allowed to? Isn’t it…wrong of me to even have them or wasn’t it wrong of me to even hope…just a little bit that you’d feel the same?” You were once again saying things that were making his heart hurt. 

“You’re allowed, I promise. It’s not wrong, and it wasn’t wrong. And I do feel the same, so doesn’t that mean it all worked out?” He smiled at you and you made a face like you were trying to both understand and say something else.

“Are you really okay with something like me?”

You really needed to stop saying things that were hurting his heart. “Of course! Of course I am,” Sabo grabbed you by the shoulders as he spoke, “I’m more than okay with you,” he once again avoided touching on the “something” but it was killing him a little. He’d talk to you about it later. You were finally starting to relax, he didn’t want to make it worse by touching on a likely sensitive subject without thinking.

“…People might think less of you…for being with something ugly like me though…I don’t want that for you,” you looked away from him and he frowned.

He cupped your face in his hands and gently turned it towards him. This was the first time he realized you looked pretty embarrassed. At least that feeling was mutual too. “You are not ugly,” he smiled and watched as your eyes darted elsewhere. “If, for some reason, someone were to think less of me for going out with you, I really don’t care. I like you, you like me,” Sabo felt his embarrassment rise as he said that, yet he continued. “That’s what matters. Not what anyone else thinks, okay?”

You gave a shy nod in his hands and he smiled and let go of your face. He then pulled you back to his chest where you were before.

“Any other questions?” Sabo teased lightly.

“…Yes,” you mumbled back and he stifled a laugh. 

“Go ahead, ask away. I don’t mind,” and he once again felt your nod.

“Even…um, even after seeing me act like…that and stuff, you’re still okay with me? Even though I’ll probably need you to reassure me a lot, are you still okay with me? I’m slow and things don’t get through to me very well and—“

Sabo cut you off with a “shhh,” sound. “I am very much fine with you, no matter what. I like you, okay? I like you even more now that you’ve opened up to me some,” he smiled even though you couldn’t see it. You had truly activated something extremely protective within him when you spilled your feelings towards yourself before. “I’d like to work towards a future where you understand that. And a future where you can at least feel a bit better about yourself. I like you, and I’d like to work with you on those things too. We can take our time and work on improvement.”

“You’re painfully nice,” you mumbled in response and Sabo laughed a little at that. “I’d…like that though I think. I can’t promise I’ll be receptive always…and I can’t promise I won’t be a problem, but…I’d like that,” you once again pulled back to look at him and you smiled a little. “I…um, I’d like to support you too if you’ll allow it,” you half-whispered that but he still caught it.

“Hm. How sweet, I’ll think about it,” he spoke with a teasing lilt.

“That’s not very fair…I want it to be fair…” you retorted and he laughed once again.

“I’m teasing you. If I am in need of support, I’d be happy if I could go to you,” Sabo smiled in return. Though he wasn’t the greatest at the whole talking about his feelings, he supposed he could attempt it for you. Sometime. Maybe. He’d get there.

He then watched as some sort of realization crossed your features. “Ah…I’m sorry. It’s late and you just got back and then you sat here while I whined and bawled at you. I’m sorry, Sabo. You must be tired.”

He was, though it’d only fully hit him in the last few minutes. Once he realized you were more relaxed, his body seemed to accept that it was okay to be exhausted. “It’s okay. I don’t mind it. I’d like to get you back to your room first before I go to bed too.” Part of him still didn’t feel good about leaving you alone, even though you were calmer now. Just knowing what he knew…it didn’t feel great. Though he knew he couldn’t be with you all the time (he’d like to), it still felt a bit iffy to leave you alone when he was around. 

“Mm…I um…” He watched you return to fiddling with his jacket. “I kind of…don’t want…to go…don’t want to be away…from you…maybe…” you embarrassedly trailed off and Sabo felt like his heart was going to soar out of his chest.

“Oh? Really? We feel the same again then,” he smiled a big, wide smile.

“But you need to sleep…” you responded, almost dejectedly.

“I have a couch in here. We could just stay here,” he laughed a little. You seemed to perk up a bit at the prospect of this.

“If that’s fine with you…” you replied and without another word Sabo had stood up and pulled you with him. 

He then led you over to the couch, plopped down, and patted the space next to him. You hesitantly sat beside him, and he gently rested your head on his shoulder, and wrapped an arm around you. “Can you sleep like that?” He questioned and you replied with a “yeah,” and he smiled.

“Good. Try to get a little sleep, I’ll try to,” he gently started to pet your head. Both as a means to try and lull you to sleep and just cause he wanted to. You really seemed to like it too, which added to his enjoyment. He could really get used to this.

Eventually, your breathing slowed and you seemed to be out. Sabo was relieved at that. He was worried with how worked up you were earlier, you wouldn’t be able to sleep. Though, with you out and still in his sight, he could feel himself start to relax. 

The last thing on his mind before he inevitably became a victim to sleep was you. He really hoped you’d come to rely on him more, and that you’d eventually fully believe the words he said to you. He hoped that maybe one day, you’d at least like yourself a little. For now though, he’d do his best to support you. And he supposed he could let you return the favor if he felt like it. 

ao3 link if you'd prefer

Jealousy is something that everyone deals with at some point. And from the looks of it, you were face-to-face with a jealous Sabo. It was hard to tell exactly what part he was mad about, but he was mad.

You had failed to notice someone was flirting with you, and had continued to be nice to them. You were completely oblivious throughout the whole ordeal. 

That was until Sabo interrupted the conversation with a very strained smile on his face. It had looked like it was taking everything in him to not beat the person who had approached you over the head. It was only then when you realized something was wrong, and you slowly started to process what happened. 

Now, you were in Sabo’s office and he was still very obviously not happy. Though he had yet to do anything other than stand there and look mad.  

“Um…Sabo…?” you hesitantly broke the silence.

“What,” his tone was harsh.

“Are you jealous…or just mad? Or both…?”

At this, he gave you a look that answered your question. It was very much both. Part of you wanted to tease him a little for the jealousy, it was rare for him to get like this. But with how upset he seemed you figured that was probably a bad idea.

“I’m sorry,” you started and his expression faltered ever-so-slightly. “I really didn’t realize what was happening until you intervened, I swear.”

He sighed. Or well, it was more of a mix of a scoff and a sigh. He knew that, he really did. “You could benefit from being more aware,” he spat out. His frustration was getting the better of him though. 

You flinched a little at the harshness, but part of you did agree with him. “I know, I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to make you upset.”

“That’s not what’s important!” Sabo had raised his volume without meaning to, and you flinched at that. Though he didn’t seem to notice as he kept going and kept yelling. “Something could seriously happen to you! You don’t—“ he looked at you. You looked like you were on the verge of tears. He realized he was yelling at you without intending to. He let out a frustrated sigh. You couldn’t tell if it was at you or himself at this point, “Just, we’ll talk about this later,” and he made his way to the door.

It took you a moment to process what he’d said and realize what was actually wrong. Once it clicked, you hurriedly grabbed him by the wrist before he could leave (where was he going anyways? This was his office). 

He turned to look at you and opened his mouth to say something, but before he could you yanked him down to your level and pressed a kiss to his scar. And then his other cheek. And then repeat until he was painfully flustered and bright red. 

“Wh-What are you d-doing?” Sabo attempted to protest, though it’s not like he wasn’t enjoying whatever this was. He was very much enjoying it. 

You stopped and looked at him, “If that’s what was really upsetting you, you should’ve just said that,” you smiled. “I’ll try to be more careful so you don’t have to worry so much.”

“It…would be appreciated,” he forced out in his flustered state. He cleared his throat in an attempt to stifle his embarrassment, “I’m sorry for raising my voice at you…I didn’t mean to scare you,” he gave you an apologetic look.

“It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to,” you kissed his forehead and watched him avert his gaze. “You were just upset. Again, I’m sorry too, for not paying enough attention. I’ll try to be better about that.” Sabo simply nodded in response at this. Though when you smiled he did seem to relax a little.

“Also,” you kissed his scar once again, “I think it’s cute you’d even get jealous. You’re the only one for me.”

At this, he pulled you into an embrace and you were partly sure it was an attempt to hide his obvious embarrassment. “I know that,” he mumbled, he was practically clinging to you.