Hello there

Having me for a boyfriend is like having one of those budgies that's always like "WhAt DoIng?! 🙂 GiMmE kIsS?! WOOOO!"

if i don't get sexually tortured soon I'm gonna end up on the news

anyone have that picture with the 100 pool toy baltos. Its like a modern terracotta army

"🥪" is shorthand for "🍞🧀🍅🥬🍞"

can you people stop reblogging this my notes look like lunchtime

Not book smart or street smart but a secret third thing.

supid

supid.

knowing when not to open the comments is a skill

blocking tip: you don't have to wait to have a negative interaction with someone to block them. you can block them without ever interacting with them. I can't tell you how many times I've seen someone being rude to someone else and preemptively blocked them

"why'd they block me? we've never talked" bro if i see you being nasty to the bartender i'm not gonna chat you up

one moment ☝️ *pauses the blowjob to start violently coughing up blood*

the oldest reblogs for this post that i can find are from january 2nd of 2013. this can has been getting kicked around tumblr for almost 13½ years now

Spent my evening planning a pub crawl around all the establishments from which my great great great grandfather was banned in the 1880s, as unfathomably every single one of them is still open nearly 150 years later, despite barring their best customer

The pub crawl consists of 3 pubs over a 1.5 mile radius, and starts with a visit to a coffee shop that now sits on the site of the barn that my great great great grandfather broke into and slept in after being thrown out of a pub, damaging a vast quantity of hay, resulting in his 28th arrest and a 1 month prison sentence with hard labour