Preface
Weβve been on Tumblr since 2011, and swingers since 2012. Β In this time Iβve seen a lot of thingsβ¦and itβs been a journey - somewhat similar to Caine walking the Earth in βKung Fuβ - a journey which has led me to this - The Art of The Dick Pic Club.
Itβs a belief system thatβs a mash-up based on Mosesβ bringing down the Ten Commandments to his people, Fight Club, The Big Lebowski, Road House, and Pulp Fiction.
Like some of the great heroes who have come before me who have heard their lifeβs calling - Jeffrey Lewbowski, Walter Sobchack, Jules Winnfield, The Wolf and Dalton - and followed the call of a higher power, I have done the same in my work on this epic oeuvre.
I will say while I feel like I have a lot of wisdom to share here, as a caveat I think itβs only fair to say that I am by no means declaring myself as the A+, 100%, motherfuckingist best dick pic taker ever. Β That being said, itβs a skill I have worked on and honed over the last number of years. Β Think of this like the barista who only does Chemex pour over coffee, or the mixologist who only makes pre-prohibition era classic cocktails - they are craftsmen - orΒ artisans if you will - who take pride in their work and the results are worth the effort.
The same should be true for taking dick pics. Β My work in this endeavor of craftsmanship has served me well over the last few years on Tumblr, and as a swinger. While my own dick pics may not be as popular on our blog as the hot-ass pics of Mrs. M&F, or some of the other quality dick pics on Tumblr - I have overall acquitted myself with honor, and received some very positive feedback and appreciation for which I am grateful.
Like being shot at but not being hit, I felt a calling to share what Iβve learned as both as a Dick Pic Artisan, and as someone who by virtue of being the primary blogger here, and also the primary messenger on the swinger sites - is inundated on a daily basis with a veritable smorgasbord of bad dick pics. This is what the Art of the Dick Pic Club is about. Β Iβm Mr. M&F, I solve problems.
Nota bene: Other than the first rule of The Art of the Dick Pic Club, thereβs no true right or wrong numbering below - this is just like my opinion, man. Β The most important thing is, just be like The Dude and abide / follow the rules (commandments) and everything is going to be cool. Β It should be noted that this has also been previewed by, and input and feedback gathered from some of our Tumblr friends who have had similar experiences.
ONE: Thou Shalt Not Sendeth Unsolictedeth Dick Pics
Whatβs the first rule of dick pic club? Β That we donβt send unsolicited dick pics to people. Β Boom. Β Oh, Iβm sorry, did I break your concentration? Β Itβs that fucking simple. *Drops Mic*
But for further clarificationβ¦ please, allow me to expoundβ¦
1a.) Especially donβt send no unsolicited dick pics to people youβve never fucking even fucking talked to or donβt know in some way. Β What in the ever living fuck makes you think as youβre looking at someoneβs blogβ¦ βHey, I donβt know this person and have never talked to them, but I fucking bet theyβd love to see my fucking dick.β Β I know the internet and Tumblr can be a bastion of anonymity that emboldens people, but fuck manβ¦ picture yourself in a bar. Β Do you just walk up to people in a bar and whip out your dick? Β On second thought - donβt answer that.
1b.) Can you sendeth the dick pics if someone requests them? Β Fuck yes you can! Β Whip that bad boy out and give them βTHE Dβ. Β Iβve been fortunate enough to have had the request myself - and Iβve gladly fulfilled it - but it wasnβt the very fucking first fucking message I sent someone I hadnβt ever fucking talked to or didnβt fucking know.
1c.) Whatβs the big deal youβre probably asking. Β Whatβs the hurt in this? Β Collectively as men, this shit is as serious as league play man. Β Donβt step over the proverbial line - or cross the proverbial line in the sand - (whichever of these two you choose, I think itβs safe to say both will work) and send an unsolicited dick pic. Sending an unsolicited dick pic is like an act of aggression, and this aggression will not stand, man. Β Yβall motherfuckers want to stay in the good graces of the The Art of the Dick Pic Club? Β Just abide, man. Β Because I know Iβm not the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules. Β Also, for the record, I donβt roll on shabbos.
1d.) If you canβt abide, then itβs the job of the bouncers to politely walk you outβ¦ or on Tumblr - the equivalent would be for the blogger who youβre sending them to, to just simply delete your message and not say anything. Β Be. Nice. Β If you keep sending unsolicited dick pics the blogger will continue toβ¦ Be. Nice. Β Until that time comes when the Cooler will have to step in and let the blogger in question know that itβs time to notβ¦ Be. Nice. and block your stupid ass or report your stupid ass for harassment.
TWO: Thou Shalt Cleaneth Up Thy Fucking Room
Seriously. Clean up your fucking room. Β Nothing says βHi, I live alone in my parentβs basementβ, more than a bunch of shit like empty Big Kahuna Burger bags on the floor or all over your fucking room. Β If you take dick pics - make sure your fucking room isnβt a complete fucking pig sty (and this goes for your bathroom too - nobody needs to see your can of foot fungus spray in the ever popular and ubiquitous βdick on the bathroom sink counterβ picture).
2a.) In all fairness, this also goes for any swinger couples reading this. Β You wonβt even fucking believe some of the shit Iβve seen on swinger sites in their photos. Β I. Canβt. Fucking. Even. Β Shit, our house is by no means perfect, and shit can be messy in some places, but for fuckβs sake we donβt take fucking pictures in those rooms or we clean them the fuck up first.
THREE: Thou Shalt Useth Good Lighting
I get it. Β Youβve just woken upβ¦ your morning wood is hard as fuck. Β You get your phone and youβre on Tumblr and youβre wound-the-fuck up. Β You look down and think βMan, my fucking dick looks powerful as fuck.β Β I get it. Β Iβve been there. Β But you know what? Β Lifting up the covers just enough to barely see your dick so your picture comes out dark and/or grainy as fuck is just plain fucking lazy. Β (And nothing says βHi, my wife doesnβt know I have a Tumblrβ like that, man). Β Worse yet, you get the not-so-bright idea to use the fucking flash - so your dick is super bright but the rest of the shot is dark as fuck - so your dick looks like a fucking ghost popping out to scare people at Halloween. Β You know what? Β If itβs looking good and you think it would be good to have it if it were requested of you - find a place where you can at least turn on the fucking lights and/or even better if maybe the sun is up and if youβre not a fucking vampire, you can use some natural light - then by all means go for it and save it for when you have it requested and you want to send a really good looking one. Also, see number two above - make sure your fucking room is clean (or at least the one part of it youβre in).
FOUR: Thou Shalt Ask The Requester What They Like
Okay. Β Youβve been chatting up a sexy woman on Tumblr (or a guy - I donβt mean any disrespect or want to discriminate here - so substitute the appropriate pronouns where necessary) and youβve hit it off. Β Things are good - she actually gave you her Kik. Β Youβre getting to know her, sharing some deets with each otherβ¦ itβs flirty, and itβs fun. Β Hereβs an ideaβ¦ ask her some questions about maybe posts you see on her Tumblr or maybe some other not-too-personal questions - maybe even something so simple as what her favorite color is. Β Then, fucking plan a little - take some teasing / enticing dick pics maybe with you wearing underwear thatβs her favorite color. Β That way if things go to the βnext levelβ and she requests to see βwhat youβre workinβ witββ¦ youβve got this. Β Youβve got a few nice ones saved up in a secret folder app on your phone. Even better, because youβve got on some underwear in a few of them thatβs her favorite color - itβs a nice way to show her how much youβve been listening. Β Iβm going to say that againβ¦ L-I-S-T-E-N-I-N-G. Β Your picture says βI respect whatβs between your ears just as much as whatβs between your legsβ. Β You would be fucking amazed what that does. Β People forget that the brain is the biggest erogenous zone.
FIVE: Thou Shalt Not Just Sendeth A Pic of The Dick
While they come in different shapes, sizes, and colors, pretty much most dicks look alike. Β Thereβs a shaft, a head, and some ballsβ¦ you get the picture. Β Been there, done that, motherfuckers. Β So, hereβs the question.. what is your skin flute / tube snake / meat pole attached to? Β Show a little body. Β You donβt have to show your face, but you know a little of your chest / torso and/or your strong legs. Β As an example, maybe one morning when youβre out in the yard doing your shirtless Tai Chi and thereβs good light and youβre looking good - take some body pics to go with it. Β Also, I know from a few of my friends here on Tumblr, the ladies love to see your strong hands either partially hiding / teasing or on your dick somehow.
SIX: Thou Shalt Buildeth Thy Anticipation
If you get the request and you know they want to seeth the dick pic donβt just send a pic of your naked exposed dick. Β Thatβs some fucking bush league bullshit. Β This is the time to start off like giving a foot massage - you know what youβre thinking, and you know she knows what youβre thinking without it having to be said. Β So, practice the art of the tease - or more specifically as we are discussing here - The Art of the Dick Pic. Β Take some pics of your hard as fuck dick in your underwear straining against the fabric. Β Maybe take some with your hand inside your underwear grabbing your dick - but not showing the dick. Β Maybe pull the underwear back, or open your fly on your jeans if youβre commando and give a little peek of the dick. Β Maybe use a towel to kind of cover up when youβre coming out of the shower - and take a few showing a little more at a time. Β Think of it the same way women think of cleavage pics and use them to tease and seduce the fuck out of us. Β Sometimes all you get is the cleavage shot and itβs hot as fuck and you practically jizz your pants from just that. Β Come on, donβt even fucking try to pretend like you donβt know what Iβm fucking talking about. Β Youβve got to do the sameβ¦ you gotta have good βDick Cleavageβ. Β Work on that shit and get your skills down. Β Then if all is going well and the dick pic is asked for.. and this is a super fucking important one - donβt just send the fucking exposed dick pic first thing. Β Send those fucking tease photos first. Β (This works really well if youβre texting / on Kik, etc.). Β Build that fucking anticipation - yes, youβre sending pics - but youβre not sending just a basic dick pic. Β Any fucking fool can whip out their dick and do that. Β Youβre distinguishing yourself as a true artist (again, think βdick pic artisanβ - itβs not just the pictures, but the delivery of them), and not just some βbasic dude-bro / fuckboyβ whipping out his dick for any and all on Tumblr or the internet. Β Because that makes youβ¦ Boring. As. Fuck. Β And basic. Β And a fuckboy dude-bro.
SEVEN: Thou Shalt Puteth Downeth The Props
This is probably more of a swinger website problem but dudes be out there on Tumblr too trying to prove their size by comparing their dick to some kind of inanimate object that shows just how βmanlyβ they are (ie βIβve got the biggest dick EVAH.β) Β Maybe the size queens (ok just have to say it - but thatβs some fucking shallow-ass fucking bullshit too - sorry, not sorry) of the swinger world want to see some proofβ¦ but from our own experience of seeing the pictures, and from the majority of the people Iβve spoken to as well think itβs ridiculous that youβve taken a picture of your dick next to a can of Miller Lite / Bud Light / Coors Light. Β For many reasons. Β One among them is that those light beers I just named fucking suck. Β I mean for fuckβs sake if youβre going to drink that shit and feel you need it to justify your size for your pics, then just use a water bottle instead - at least thatβs being true to what it fucking is. Β Worse than the beer can / water bottle is the TV remote. Β Maybe you think thatβs next level code for βNetflix and Chillβ but in reality it just says Iβm too lazy to get off my couch to take this picture and this TV remote looks good. Β Actually, no it fucking doesnβt. Β It looks like a TV remote next to a dick and itβs stupid as fuck. Β I mean are you changing the channel with your dick? Β Also, other props need not apply - like the dude who sent us a pic of his dick in a hot dog bun. Β Yes, you read that right - a fucking hot dog bun. Β Insert all kinds of hot-dog and sausage jokes hereβ¦ because theyβre fucking funny as shit. Β Howβs my wife supposed to take you seriously if we meet up and you pull out your dick and all she can do is try not to laugh picturing it in the hot dog bun? Β At that point she ainβt thinkinβ she wants your mustard if you get the drift. Β Orβ¦ the one who used a sharpie to write a message on his dickβ¦ and his penmanship was horrible (rim-shot).
EIGHT: Thou Shalt Be Creativith With Thy Dick Pics
Creativity with your dick pic is really like the rug that really ties the room together, man. Β Itβs what makes you a true Dick Pic Artisan. Β I mean youβve cleaned up your room, used good and/or natural lighting, itβs not just a close up of your dick, youβve asked the requester what they like, youβre built anticipation with your photos, youβve put down the propsβ¦ so this is where itβs time to put all that shit together. Β All yβall motherfuckers have smartphonesβ¦ download some nice photo filtering apps. Β Thereβs a shit ton of them out there that are free. Β Download and use that shit. Β Even if your lighting isnβt good, apps can help make your dick look good, man. Β I mean who wants to send some shitty looking dick pic?!? Β Unfortunately, way too fucking many of you. You owe it to yourself and all of mankind to represent yourself better than that - be creative with your pics and tie that room together. Β Fuckinβa man.
NINE: Thou Shalt Not Haveth Your Dick Pic As Your Avatar
Sorry, but nothing says βIβm fucking desperateβ or βIβm a basic dude-bro fuckboyβ like your dick as your avi. Β SMH bruh. Β Use something else. Β Maybe a more creative picture like weβve been talking about in #5 above - like your outdoor shirtless Tai Chi pose.
9a.) Related: in addition to not using your dick pic as your avatar, donβt use a pic of a hot woman if youβre not a hot woman. Β Thatβs also pretty fucking sad and desperate. Β Nobody is falling for it #fuckboy.
TEN: Thou Shalt Not Sendeth No Weak-Ass Shit
For the fucking love of all that is rightβ¦ abide by these and donβt for fuckβs sake if asked for a dick pic send some weak-ass shit! Β You would be amazed at the terrible, weak-ass shit we get in messages / our in-box. Β I mean come the fuck on. Β Donβt you see the quality of the pics we fucking post? Β What makes you think a dark / grainy / out of focus / sideways or otherwise shitty dick pic is going to do anything for my lady. Β Coming at us with that shit quality dick pic is like walking into the Double Deuce with your sharp knife in the pointed toe part of your cowboy boot. Β Sorry but weβre closed - Iβm not even answering your message - just straight up deleting that fuckboy nonsenseβ¦ because youβre too stupid to have a good time. Get your fucking shit together and take some quality fucking dick pics. Send fucking quality stuff if someone asks for the dick pic. Β Restore our common good name by abiding by the rules man, and sending good shit when requested. Β Leave that weak-ass shit to the fuckboys, man. Β Bad dick pics should be like Zed, and Zedβs dead baby.
Epilogue
So, I hope this is helpful and finds all the corners of Tumblr, and that The Art of The Dick Pic Club becomes strong, and the quality of dick pics (ahem, *clears throat for emphasis* That. Are. Requestedβ¦) goes up considerably for the sake of all that is good and right with being a pervert and meeting other perverts online.
For let it be said that βThe path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brotherβs keeper and the finder of lost children.β
Iβm tryinβ real hard to be the shepherd.
PS. Β For those of you who have made it this far - all the way to the bottom of this long ass post and are reading this and wondering what else all of this has in common that ties it all together - the actor Ben Gazzara played both Jackie Treehorn in The Big Lebowski, and Brad Wesley in Road House, as well as Sam Elliott played both The Stranger in The Big Lebowski, and Wade Garrett in Road House. Β Youβre welcome.
*Takes Bow*
