That's too much man

No I didn’t. It’s just weird to say out loud

I wish I could die. No I wish I could kill myself. Even though I know I can’t. Not because I don’t want to. I just have too many responsibilities at the moment

That makes it worse right? Imagine? Not even being able to have the option to kill yourself. My face burns from embarrassment

And shame. But this shame isn’t mine. You just make me feel ashamed of myself. And worthless. Worthless and unimportant. A lot of people do

Life is weird

You’re not allowed to say anything about that. It’s like we’re all playing the quiet game.

Shh! Nobody talk about life or what it’s like! Talk about something else!

I miss drugs. They made it easier to ignore people. Why’d I do that? Stop doing drugs? Why’d I open up?

I kind of preferred being high and ignorant. And lonely. I preferred being lonely. It was more fun than this. This is sadness and rejection. This is shame and embarrassment. This is ugly and useless

I miss not being told to be ashamed of myself and made fun of. Looked down on

I miss not being made to feel so worthless. Even if I was at least I didn’t have it told to my face as constantly

I did write you this. Sorry

Hey. Why am I not good enough? Why doesn’t anything I do matter? Is it about money? Is that all you want

I don’t have much of it right now. Does that mean I lose you? Is that the world? Is that everybody?

And throw up

Because I can’t do anything else

You never came

Because I’m so nervous about the idea of seeing you I can’t breathe. It’s turning into self doubt and embarrassment

And fear of canceling. I wonder if I should even write you at all

Why? To remind you of our plans. Is that how I should feel about myself? Like I’m something someone needs to be reminded about otherwise I’m forgotten?

Maybe you’re nervous too. That can happen too right? Maybe you’re just as worried I’M going to cancel and you’re waiting for me to tell you I haven’t forgotten you.