I'll bloom a pretty flower that resembles you

sometimes i dont want to wait for the show to get better. i just want to stop watching

just remembered something i really hated about school/tutors. when someone's explaining something and it feels like we're taking way too long to get to the answer and i'm just bored and over it. it feels frustrating and suffocating and i want to be anywhere else but here.

the familiar thought of dying young feels comforting

why does driving at night with the windows down make the air taste different

i saw a comment online saying that working out requires discipline, not motivation. but i’m not sure if i’ve ever been a disciplined person in my life. maybe obsessive, but never disciplined and consistent in what i do. the only reason ive ever done something consistently is because of fear. when i think of discipline, i think of fear. i think, “you have to do this, or else.” when i’m working out semi-consistently, i think, “you have to work out or else you’ll become fat and ugly.” it isn’t coming from a place of “this is good for your health,” i just feel forced to do it or else something bad will happen. i wonder if this extends to a lot of areas of my life. i don’t understand fully why i do things, but i’m simply afraid of what would happen if i dont.

i dont want to be fit or sexy or attractive. i want to be happy, and i try to tell myself that being those things will make me happier. but i know from experience that they haven’t, so i don’t feel motivated to be those things anymore. but what will make me happier?