Florian Walraven

So what’s the alphabet anyway? What are letters? Some people love them, others haven't seen one in their entire life. I’m here to give you an honest review of every letter in the alphabet. I hope you’re sitting comfortably, cause there are like 40 to 50 of these things in there.

A is a pretty basic letter, it’s compact and has a nice center of gravity. You can toss this guy around and it’ll land straight up most of the time. But what’s with this hole in the middle? It looks like a little bird might live there, when’s that bird gonna come out? I hope soon.

B seems like a fat guy who’s trying to look buff by putting a really tight belt around his waist. It’s not really his fault, I think he’s just not that confident. Just flaunt what you have and be proud! B really needs some self esteem coaching.

C doesn't look welcoming at all. It looks like this grabby robot hand that wants to grab everything in it's reach. Keep your grabby hand to yourself mister! But you know when he’s at home he's just grabbing all kinds of things left and right, and it's very annoying to think about.

D is just letting it all out. Easily the fattest letter out there. I hate how unapologetic he is about it though. Hey man, you don't have to flaunt all your excess letterflab out at me. Wear a belt and at least try to look buff, such a misguided letter.

E seems really fun. You just wanna grab this letter at the middle pole and just start spinning him around! Problem is, there's almost no weight to this letter, it won't spin! Still, you can just look at this guy and imagine having a good time.

F had the great idea of putting all his weight at the top of his being. That's like trying to balance yourself while wearing a lead hat with a kid sitting on it. F could really use a friend, but constantly trying to balance him out would probably get pretty annoying after a while

G would seem to be a great place to take a little nap. You could look out of that little hole at all the kids playing in the sun. They would run around on the grassy hills, their laughter becoming fainter while you contently doze off... That is until you actually sit in the thing and realize there's no room for your legs! This isn't comfortable at all! Would be great if you didn't have any legs.

H is extremely solid, solid like a house! It’s even there in the word itself! House. Except if it rains, that would fill the top right up! You’d have to find a way to flip your house 180 degrees, but then your basement would get all wet. I wonder how people live in these things. I has a lot to hide. It seems like if you'd rotate this thing 90 degrees it would have this really long part to it with all kinds of different things to look at and touch. Thing is, it doesn't want to be turned! I know there's privacy and all but damn, just give me a little peek!

J seemed like a good idea until you realize it wasn't gonna fit all the way up your ass after all. And THEN you realize it's almost impossible to take out! Definitely a letter with problems.

K just looks like someone punched H really hard in the side, and now he's really angry, and he's starting to take it all out on me! Who punched this dude? Leave me out of this mess.

L is solid. This is what a letter should look like, all letters should be more like L

M looks like the mouth of a bird who’s looking up. I never feel safe when there is one on the page, it feels like it's just gonna suck up all the other letters with his big sassy mouth. Hey asshole, I'm using those.

N seems alright.

O is like a big gaping mouth, but it's blocking all other letters from coming in. "Hey guys! I've got a big warm mouth for you to sit in, but I'll never let you in~." Why do you gotta taunt me man? Just let me in there!

P died. It accidentally dropped his big fat head on the saloon table and now we're stuck with its corpse. It's a shame that almost all words have some variation of the letter P in it, making the page look like a huge graveyard. Great job P, Even in death you're completely useless.

Q is a really nice guy. He stacked the fridge with all your favorite things to eat and he even made a little staircase for you to lead you in. Unfortunately though, nobody wants to get in there! Maybe we all just want the things we can’t get... Still though, really nice guy.

R has always seemed like a really sexy letter to me. That straight hard back, the round curve pushing everything up to the front, that little leg taking a seductive step forward, showing you it’s stuff. Man, I just really wanna get with R!

S looks like a slippery little snake. Look at it just slip, slip, slipping along. Don't make any plans with this guy though, he never shows up! Out of all the letters this is probably the most untrustworthy one.

T looks like it would be a pretty good hammer, but a double edged hammer. Here you are smacking one guy in the face and before you know it you're smacking this other guy behind you! Watch out using this thing.

U seems like you can completely fill it to the brim with a nice tasty beverage, but it's also only one drop. Who ever wanted to drink only one drop of anything!? Highly useless letter, definitely overrated.

V would have been nice letter, but only if the top would have been the same as the bottom. now it just looks like some asshole came along, cut the letter in two, ran off with the other half and doing god knows what to it! You had potential V, but it's ok, it's not your fault.

W. Just say this letter out loud. W. It's not a W! It's two fucking V’s stuck together! Which means this asshole came back, regretted what he did, slap banged em’ together and made it like he invented a new letter! However, this time it is your fault W, you could at least speak up. Also, and you've got this coming for a   while now, you're completely worthless, there are no words  with the letter W.

X. W is just making me really mad right now and I don't really feel like talking about X. It is kinda cool how it seems like there are two blades clashing together though. You can just see the sparks fly! It's a very exciting letter.

Z just came outta nowhere and shocked everybody. "Hey everyone, I'm Z!" It just feels that way. It's here, it's now and it's proud. I would love to use the letter Z in all words. That's the thing with this letter though, it's too stuck up for its own good!