sympathy for the devil !

              ––      c  o  n  v  e  r  t  i  n  g   .   .   .

“ so i talked to mom today and she said i should shy away from adopting a chinchilla. ”  lev sipped his latte, proceeding with a scowl.  “ i asked her on what friggin’ grounds. wanna know what she said? she goes, ‘ it’s nothing personal, honey, but you should start with a houseplant. ’   i mean -- really? a houseplant? ”  it was appalling that the goodman matriarch didn’t buy into his capacity to care for an adorably neurotic rodent. sure, lev had what one might call a... questionable... track record. in second grade, he’d accidentally thrown his class’s pet lizard, jorge, into the dryer -- it was a hot mess.  “ i think i’d make an excellent chinchilla dad.  picture it, han! let me set the scene. it’s a thursday night, i get home from work and the sun’s just about rising. i’m sipping some bomb ass kombucha wearing these bad boys -- ”  lev gestured to the shades currently propped on his head. “ and orville -- that’s what i’ll name him -- has a matching pair. me and my lil’ dude, looking fly as heck. just chinchillin’ like villains. what d’you think? ”

upon spotting eric in the hallway, lev swooped in beside him, executing a smooth greeting -- that is, of course, if one elected to ignore how he nearly tripped over his feet to close the distance. “ dude. eric. whaddup? lemme tell you what’s good. yeah? because it’s... wow, it’s really fuckin’ good. alright. so i was on my 4am stroll through dollar tree last night and i had a revelation, right? you with me? ”  lev slung his right arm around eric’s shoulders as if it might aid his friend in partaking in his vision. “ what says ‘ hey sky, you’re my wife and i worship the ground you walk on ’ more than one of these? ”  a lift of his left arm revealed a stuffed baby sloth secured around his wrist with magnetic paws.  “ i snagged it for you -- no need to thank me. just like... save it for a date. or a friggin’, like... zenith prom or something! and then wham bam diggity damn, you whip this bad baby out. a cuddly corsage! a cudsage ! ”  he paused, tilting his head to admire the tune of this brilliant idea.  “ yeah, i think i just hacked your marriage. no biggie. ”

“ oh, wouldn’t you like to know… ”

“ you know what snack is killer and totally underrated? baby carrots. who doesn’t like a good mid morning baby carrot? or like… maybe several. ‘cause they’re, y’know. babies. ”

in theory, stealing from final destination’s props closet was a terrible idea to begin with. but lev goodman prided himself on believing in everyone -- and every thing’s -- potential to improve. it just so happened that this situation’s prognosis wasn’t prone to an upswing. the likelihood of getting off scot free grew slimmer and slimmer the more time he wasted trying to cover his tracks. just as he placed the last prop back on top of the pile he’d disrupted, the whole thing came tumbling down. “ gah -- jesus -- ”  lev shielded himself from the miniature avalanche, swatting at falling items with the bat currently in his grasp. “ fuckin’ real-life fruit ninja, ” he mumbled to himself with a sigh, once everything had hit the ground. rather than try to reset everything again, the comedian figured he should opt for a swift exit. just as he exited into the hall and pivoted on his heels to return to that’s so random!’s set, he nearly slammed into a wall. no! a person! he staggered back, half-heartedly wielding the bat as some type of makeshift barrier. lev eestablished his stance to keep from revealing how spooked he’d actually been.  “ shit, hello! hi! nothing to see here. ” especially with his freakin’ eyes waiting to adjust to the brighter light out here.  “ this bat is like... mine. from home. y’know? an official personal possession. yup. ”  he blinked several times in quick succession, prompting his eyes to get with the program. “ so sorry for like, causing hall traffic. i’m just gonna... take my personal artifact and head on out, if that’s good with you? ”