it's bizarre how easily i let myself lie every “how are you?” answered with “fine” every “how was your day?” with “good” and a smile i feel guilty when you tell me about your good day and then you ask about me and i have nothing good of my own to say but i don't want you to have to know the truth i don't want you to worry over someone so stupid
if i told you my pain and my fears and my past if i told you about every inevitable relapse every drink, every drug, every bruise, every cut and all the other horrible things that i've done all the blood i've reveled in seeing drip onto the floor every night spent watching the ceiling spin until i can't stand or think or stay awake anymore i know you would love me i know you’d want me to get help i know you’d tell me to wake you when i want to hurt myself
but i don't want to be needy and annoying and weak i already can't stand the way my voice shakes when i speak and i can't shake the feeling that i dont want this to end i can't stop causing myself pain and hating myself for being an awful friend i don't really want to get better and i dont want to try i'll keep watching you live your life and do nothing with mine i'll inflict pain until my mind and body are destroyed i'll keep self destructing and pretending i don't have a choice and i'll lie and i'll lie when you see my tears falling and i don't know what to say i love you and i hate myself and i'm sorry i'm not okay
