"Fligglesnort. I don't know what it means. I made it up."-My Dad

It says to "Go ahead, put anything," so I guess I could try. It wouldn't hurt, I suppose.

Well, hi. I'd like to go by Bok for no logical reason other than it was the first word that came when I was thinking of a username. I'm practicing on not dwelling over my thoughts too much. It has created such an overthinking, anxious, and depressed knot in my stomach.

I guess I could tell you a little about myself. Hm, I enjoy daydreaming to such an extent that I have difficulty fully connecting with reality (I'm also working on that). I like reading, but only when I want to and not when uni makes me. I work a full-time job but have been attempting to pay off some debts with overtime because I'm a bit of an impulse spender (I'm working on this by working... heh. The more I work, the less I spend because I'm too tired to do anything else). The color yellow has recently become my favorite color. I love cats, I have two brothers, and our dad died when I was a teenager. I love to talk about him. His memories are where I've put all the love I have for him.

I have friends, a handful are my best friends, but I'm terrible at consistent communication, so I understand why I only have a handful. I don't mean that to sound sad. I actually prefer it that way because I'm terribly introverted and shy.

Right now, I am re-reading "Solitaire" by Alice Oseman because after digging through six shelves of books for a "depressy" book, this was my choice. I know that sounds bad, looking for a sad book, but I consider my Persistent Depressive Disorder to be a blanket. I take it off when I can, but it's always there to lay over me when I break down. I suppose I have an unhealthy relationship with Blanket. Maybe I should work on that too, but later, I guess. Blanket feels nice right now.

Anyway, I've typed enough for now. I'm sure I'll be back later on. Tori always inspires me to blog. My therapist once told me I should write more because I used to and doing it made me feel better, even if I'm the only one who reads it. But if you happen to read it and have a Blanket of your own, it would be nice to know I'm not the only one with a strong grip on mine.

I hope you have a day, as someone once said to me.

Having your own place and being too nice. Now I have neighbors I barely know wanting to hang out and I don’t know them but I’m too damn nice. I have to figure out how to be “hey so I get you need some refuge and all, but this is my refuge and you’re ruining it.”

Heard a knock followed by my doorbell the other day. My neighbors who have previously helped me with a stray puppy a year and a half ago were now holding an orange cat with no collar. He was not my boy but looked ALOT like my orange girl until you realize she has no balls.

Anyways, I kept the cat while they walked to the local Waffle/Huddle House for dinner and I have to say, this boy is sooo affectionate. I fed him and then let him wonder around the living room while my 3 other cats sat and angry-watched him from a safe distance. I didn't even have to love on him, just glanced at him- purrrrrr. So the neighbors stopped by, picked him back up, and we stayed in contact until the owners were found.

They haven't picked him up, yet due to them coming back from traveling, and slight mayhem has ensued. He's escaped my neighbors 2-3 times now because different things have startled him out of their arms while they wait for the owners to get here. He's ran to my house every time which is only a short distance but it's comical to open my front door to an orange gentlemen. I absolutely had to stand to the side and gesture for him to come in and you can bet your bottom dollar he waltzed right in.

I've made myself oddly comfortable on their front porch despite only standing on it maybe 3 times. They seem cool with it, so I guess we're closer neighbors than I thought. To be fair, we did briefly go to high school together, so we aren't complete strangers. Also, we're around the same age, too so our modern day funny references hit well enough.

You know what's fun about daydreaming? I get to make up cute scenarios with my fiancé where we have a kid cuz I'm currently ovulating. Huzzah

I legit look silly, I’m sure. But it works like a charm. Stressed because I made a succession of minor mistakes? Oh look, I have a nice little stapler, there’s my screen, I have a squishy armrest.

@dvnzip

First of all, hello! How are you, I hope you're doing well.

Secondly, has anyone with ADHD that specifically manifested itself in an anxiety knot that controlled how you thought and what you did, ever taken meds that worked well for you, only for you to realize that now you are in control and you have to find a way to make better habits and stay in line with just enough npc worry about things to actually function?

I know that's a long ass run on sentence but what I'm mainly struggling with is being in control of my own self with things like time. Used to be, I'd have really bad time anxiety that would have me either frozen in decision paralysis or running out the door waaaay too early for something and ending up forgetting to do a bunch of things because I was too focused on my anxiety not causing me stomach pains about being "late" for whatever it was.

Now I'm taking meds and I barely even feel the anxiety towards time among so many other things. So much so that I've been nearly late because I have all this stuff I wanna do that I've been heavily avoiding. But at the same time, I can't seem to force myself to get out of bed on time because there is no anxiety holding me accountable, only me.

I went to this popular small-town coffee shop because it is legitimately my second-favorite coffee shop (my first being the same coffee shop but located in my town rather than a town over). I'd go to my first favorite, but it closes in an hour, and for some reason, despite this one and the other one being owned by the same people, this location closes in 3 hours instead of 1.

Another reason this is my second favorite is the ratio of seats to customers. The first location is large because it used to be a mechanics shop that was fairly popular at one point in time. It has plenty of seating and is spaced out reasonably well. This second location is about 1/3 of the space, even with its upstairs included. The second floor has two long wooden tables with 8 chairs around each one, resulting in it being more of a communal space rather than separate tables. Normally, I have zero issue with this and even enjoy a pleasant conversation with my table buddies from time to time, but today is a little different. I mind about 3/10. I have a couple who I can best describe as young, cringy, holy readers. Well, okay, let me rephrase that. The man in the couple seems to be of a reasonable mindset. It's the young woman who's raising eyebrows. She has a bleached fringe, if that gives you any idea. Also, she just called her boyfriend a "dum-dum."

Anyway, I've been dealing with glances from her since before I even sat down. Initially, I thought her looking over at me was just the usual thing people do when someone walks into a room, and in doing so, can disrupt the focus of the room for a split second before everyone realizes "oh, a person walking in, nothing exciting," and they go back to their regularly scheduled broadcast. I don't believe this is entirely the case. I get the vibe that her glances over at me, particularly when she is being slightly louder and more "dramatic" with her body movements, tells me she is just trying to watch for my reactions to them. I don't think it's a jealousy thing, more like how some people can change how they act when they suddenly have an audience to perform for. I'm the only one at the table with them since the first table was nearly full, and I like to have a little space, so I don't think too much about how a stranger is sitting next to me, despite this being a public place.

The way the couple talks does make me want to try for a homework session with music, even tho I suck at doing that. It doesn't matter if it doesn't have lyrics or not; my daydreams will take over, and I will get nothing done. Anyway, to get a visual of how they speak, simply look up Gen Z slang. They look to be the right age, so the shoes fit. I'd judge more, but the number of times I use "like" in a sentence may make others think I get a penny for each time.

But then I suddenly stumble across a memory that lifts me out of the abyss, its gentle rise taking mere seconds, and I am reminded that I can be happy, and actually, I am. I had just this moment a few minutes ago and felt I needed to write about it so I can come back and remember that memory the same way I do when I see a motorcycle or a 2008 CR-V Honda and say "Hey Dad!" or "Hey Mimi" and I'm happy.

When I was out with my boyfriend, strolling around downtown hand-in-hand, we ran across two rentable bikes, and we'd made comments about wanting to ride them. After some app downloading, mild cussing for lack of what I can vaguely remember being a good reception, the bikes each unlocked, and off we went. To note, I've never been one for spontaneous adventures as they tend to pinch the ball of anxiety I keep in my stomach like it's my own good luck charm. However, I held nothing back, and for what felt like much longer than it probably was, we pedaled downtown. Even with the struggles of turning the bike, adjusting the seat height, and even changing gears so we weren't pedaling like mad when we didn't have to, I never felt frustrated or anxious. I was having fun tracing circles around an empty parking lot with my amazing boyfriend while we dodged one another in our awkward attempts to remember how to bike, as neither of us had done it in a while. I grinned like a mad woman while pedaling so fast even my anxiety couldn't catch up with me. And even though we were exhausted and hot to an uncomfortable degree, we laughed and enjoyed each other's company to the fullest. I remember looking at him across the parking lot and thinking of how lucky I was, and still very much am, to have crossed paths with him.

I'll hold on to that memory even if I have to fight dementia like I'm a wizard facing a demeantor at Hogwarts because even if I have to remind myself of moments like this just to realize how lucky I am to be alive and experience these moments, I'll gladly stay humble.

I'm stuck inside for a mandatory 8 hour shift 🥲