Starry Philosoph

I go by Luciel! I'm a 22 yo blob of consciousness and I'm italian.

Pronouns -> it/she/they

Languages: italian, english (fluent), french (intermediate), german (base level)

This blog is welcome to anyone who is RESPECTFUL!

As you can read in my bio, I am diagnosed with DID, schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. I'm also a clinically recognised autistic.

I'm open to asks or dms about anything, I'm also fine with wanting to know me, although warning, I tend to be quite slow with replies.

I'm going to use "I" and "We" interchangeably but my personal stance is that all of my parts are ones of a very fragmented person and not fully separate people!

On syscourse. Be whoever you want to be as long as you don't cause voluntary harm. I just expect people to be polite and respectful. For this reason anyone who respects me can interact.

DNI

Racists, nazis, fascists, trans/homophobes and honestly just anyone who denies basic human rights

Nsfw blogs

Pro ana

Pro transID

It's horrible especially since I'm in university and the gap in exams results I've seen compared to last year is high.

However I particularly do and I'll provide a lived example to make the concept go through properly: I (alter) am asexual and also the host; however, most alters aren't and instead enjoy sexual activities. Now, the feeling of violation I'm talking about is exactly this, in this specific stance: I feel horrible and sick knowing other parts of me entertained in sexual activities since I despise them (mostly) and this is my body too, the very shell I live in, my means of interaction with the world. And it feels horrendous because I wouldn't agree to sexual activities, but I am conscious they happen, I am conscious my body has experienced the very thing I do not want to experience and am mostly repulsed to.

Of course, this can be extrapolated to other individual experiences. This example was one of impact, definitely, but less impactful ones count too: such as simply being unable to live your life in your preferred style in many occasions.

I am back on this blog for idk how long. But anyway,, I wanted to share something honestly depressing I wrote a while ago that somehow sums up some of the feeling of inhumanity I experience. I know many people, mostly disordered and neurodivergent ones experience feeling 'not human'. Maybe some fo you will find it relatable, who knows.

Idk which trigger warning to put, it's just a prosaic vent with an attempt at emotional depth. It's honestly just depressing, but whatever.

“It's untrue that you experience death only once. I think I've died more days that I've lived. I've seen the grim reaper coming to kill me with each breath I took at the end of the day. I've seen him pity every second of my existence. I've seen him begging Life to give me "one last day" each day. I've felt my soul leave my body every time I exhaled, hoping to find some rest in a cloud or in some bird's nest, instead of carrying the laboured whimpers of an unhappy being.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I think I die everyday. I die when people look at me in the eyes and suddenly I'm undressed of what makes me a person.

I die every time I remember those days. I died the first time, I died the second, I died the third. I died each time. I died because I wasn't alive to begin with. A thing isn't supposed to feel or think or have a right to exist... As a thing I was never “mine”. And yet I died. I still die to this day.

I'm not my body, not my actions, not my thoughts.

I'm a corpse mind and a withered heart.

Am I still that human child?