▶It me, MARKIPLIER.

❝ God, what if we just fucked one day? ❞

❝ Don’t sass me in front of the internet. ❞

❝ Follow your stupid fucking dreams. ❞

❝ Come at me scrub lord, I’m ripped. ❞

❝ I just wanna have sex with space. ❞

❝ Get in the tub with me, daddy. ❞

❝ Will you just relax and let me kill for money? ❞

❝ That sounds like your problem. Fuck you. ❞

❝ Stay in school. Don’t do drugs. Eat your teeth. ❞ 

❝ Make like a tree and fucking die. ❞

❝ Dude just…just pity laugh at least. ❞

❝ Man, Club Penguin’s gotten weird. ❞

❝ We are like the Stephen Kings of stupid. ❞

❝ Why do you enjoy watching me suffer so? ❞

❝ Do I have to jerk you off to blow your mind? ❞

❝ I haven’t had so much fun since I killed my parents. ❞

❝ Unfortunately I had sex with a guy/girl over the weekend. ❞

❝ What’s a vegetarian zombie say? GRAAAAAAAINS. ❞

❝ Revenge is a best dish served fuck you. ❞

❝ Who wears pants anymore? So 2015. ❞

❝ I need an ice cream sandwich and a gentle blowjob. ❞

❝ Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya. ❞

❝ The bananas has gone bad! ❞

❝ I cared for those bananas! I raised them with my own two feet! ❞

❝ Did you know I’m a professional joke? My life is a joke. ❞

❝ What if everyone just had constant helicopter dick? ❞

❝ [ name ], does getting me wet fill you with determination? ❞

❝ I can’t prove that someone ISN’T a reptilian. ❞

❝ Wouldn’t it be funny if, like, you lost a family member? ❞

❝ These balls are coming at me fast and furious. It’s like that movie, ‘Speed’. ❞ 

❝ Call me One Direction ‘cause my relevancy is dropping by the day. ❞ 

❝ One time I killed a person and I didn’t report it to the police. ❞

❝ I wanna take a girl to the Grand Canyon, fuck her, and throw her in. ❞ 

❝ Nothing like a gunshot wound to the face to really mellow someone out. ❞ 

❝ If I can’t be the best, I sure as hell can be the worst! ❞ 

❝ [ name ], I’m on a date with a guy/girl right now and you’re embarrassing me. ❞

❝ I’ve made a decision. I’m gonna in the kitchen, gonna open the dishwasher, and I’m gonna climb inside. ❞

❝ I do apologize for my actions, even though they were totally and completely justified. ❞

❝ I could pee on this couch, right now, no problem, while looking you directly in the eyes.❞ 

❝ Look, you tell a couple jokes as a dad and suddenly everyone’s like ‘you’re making dad jokes.’ ❞

❝ All of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are blue, except for three of them. And there are four. ❞ 

❝ And Abraham said unto Moses, ‘Bro, dude, aliens.’ ❞

❝ I’m gonna throw you out the window. We don’t even have any windows in this room…I’m gonna carve out a window and throw you through it. ❞ 

❝ DO IT YOU SACK OF SHIT! – Sorry. That didn’t come out as encouraging as I meant it to. ❞

❝ [ name ], if there’s one thing I can be totally honest about, it’s that I would happily lie to your face.❞

❝ If I took pole-dancing, I would be worried that it would be too erotic for everybody else. ❞

❝ Next time we make love, [ name ], would you please refer to me as your sweet cakey treasure? ❞   

❝ I try to show at least one other human-being my butt hole every single day. ❞

❝ The only people who don’t like sluts are the people who don’t get any. ❞ 

❝ Have you ever though of a career in driving people fucking insane? Because you are already a PRO at it. ❞ 

❝ I am actively looking for ways to get you to shut the fuck up. ❞

❝ First of all, you have to stop calling it ‘Mary Jane.’ That’s the first rule of stonerdom. People will think you’re a fucking narc. ❞

❝ First of all, no one says ‘pot-eyes’, you fuckin’ narc. ❞

❝ If by OK you mean like on the inside I’m just going ‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!’ then yes, I’m quite OK ❞

❝ When you walk outside there are three elements of nature that you must avoid: snow, wind, and bees. ❞ 

the lost weekend is a novel by charles jackson. 

‘ your poor eye. is it sore, does it hurt? ’

‘ i’ll help you, if you want. ’

‘ you were out like a lamp. ’

‘ i’m in bad shape. ’

‘ you were out like a lamp. you’ve got a terrible black eye. ’

‘ i’m going to stay up late tonight and i feel like talking to somebody. ’

‘ it’s the best thing for you. it’ll make you feel a lot better. ’

‘ and then you can get into a clean bed and rest and sleep as long as you need to. ’

‘ you’re in the hospital. ’

‘ i haven’t seen you for days and days. ’

‘ i’ll just leave it here, then. maybe you’ll feel like it a little later. ’

‘ my, aren’t we chummy today. what’s the matter? ’

‘ it’s me they’re talking about. ’

‘ why don’t you lie flat and be comfortable. ’

‘ what day is it? ’

‘ please be careful. ’

‘ there’s nothing to forgive. it’s all right. ’

‘ what’s all the rush?  ’

‘ it’s a laugh, all right. ’

‘ feel better baby? ’

‘ i can’t. my heart – maybe later. ’

‘ i’m just lying flat. ’

‘ don’t give me that. ’

‘ my god, where’d you get that black eye? ’

‘ i’ve been in an accident. ’

‘ i’m so sorry. ’

‘ faces are interesting, you know? ’

‘ besides that, you have a fractured skull. ’

‘ i’ve got to watch myself. ’

‘ if you only had sense enough to laugh, or kid back. ’

do you feel better now?

i prayed for you last night.

it’s not your fault, buddy. it’s not your fault.

how’s your head?

we’ve all done bad things.

i wanted to say that i’m sorry for yesterday. some of the things i said.

who hit you?

well, you look like you need to go to the hospital.

it’s nothing personal.

that’s bad luck.

can’t or won’t?

god loves you. 

i’ll pray for you.

will you hold me?

you’ve brought your shit to my door and i don’t want it.

i feel safe with you.

do you have any aspirin?

fuck off.

it’s eleven o’clock.

doesn’t matter.

i thought it was funny. 

are you hiding from somebody? 

i just wanted to cook something for you to say thank you for looking after me. 

we all love you.

why are you so angry at god?