First name 'The'

Who is your best frienemy? The Government.

Coffee or Tea? Tea. No. Coffee. Teaffee.

What’s a book you’ve read more than once? You mean you people only read one book more than once? What do you do? Throw the rest away afterwards?

What’s your favourite holiday? One when I have the school to myself.

The world is ending in 24 hours – what do you do, and who do you do it with? I enjoy a nice tea with some scones and watch my telly with Barnabus.

Do you have a favourite spot? Where is it? Why would I tell you where my favourite spot is?

Assuming reincarnation exists, who or what do you think you were in your past life? At least one of my sons.

What’s your preferred mode of transportation? A time machine, obviously.

Describe the first person who comes to mind in 15 words or less. Round. Pink. Always wrong even though they think they’re right. Bossy.

“Doctor you are a miracle worked.” River gave a bright grin and nodded back to him. “Thank you, that sounds perfect.”

Missy leaned against a building and watched him. She had been walking down the street heading into the school grounds when she had seen a flurry of movement heading towards the street. She had paused hoping to see some sad sack trip over themself, but instead saw her old friend nearly get himself hit by a car in his attempt to save a kitten. He was so pathetic, it was endearing.

“Saving strays Doctor, seems you haven’t changed much have you?“ Her words were mocking but her eyes betrayed her. She looked him with soft, baby blues.

She had been trying to get close to him without driving her oldest friend away, she knew she had to be careful, but she couldn’t resist talking to him now. Missy pulled away from the building and took a step forward hesitantly.

It took the Doctor a moment and a pause to figure out just exactly who it was that had been watching him and now was holding a conversation with him. Instinctively, he shoved the kitten further down into his coat before pivoting so he could face Missy.

Raising both his brows, he inclined his head a little to the side before giving her a not-quite-reaching-the-eyes smile, “I see you haven’t changed very much yourself, Missy. Following me around suits you.“

He hadn’t quite intended that to go over as harsh as he wanted, and the more placid and genuine smile after that explained his apology away. Things were awkward between them, but he could at least see that she was trying. After all, he might as well try too. Maybe. Just a little. When she stepped forward, his eyes followed her down to her feet before looking back up to meet her face. “It was a kitten, I couldn’t watch it get harmed.”

“I will make sure that you never have to miss your programme. There’s a little shop down in London that sells them.”

No. 

No no no. 

He was not getting out of this. He was not going to win. Clara Oswald was not bested. Not ever. Even if he had sorted of tricked her into helping out in the first place. She was clever. Really clever. She caught on faster than most. 

Faster than the children who dragged their feet as they followed orders rather than forming a revolt. 

The man was good. 

Forced smile in place, Clara tightened her grip on the Doctor’s arm – she’d drag him if she had to, the man was all skin and bones, couldn’t be that hard. “Not the point, Doctor,” she said through clenched teeth, her voice a fake brand of sweet and sugary. “I’m here to help you learn, yeah? Let’s learn.”

She should make him a set of cue cards, save herself some of the dragging him around. 

He could plain as day see the clockwork revolving circles behind her overly sized brown eyes. She was far too easily read and sometimes he wondered if she was aware of the fact. Still, as soon as she decided on something, he knew he was in trouble.

Giving her back an almost equally forced smile, the old Caretaker raised one of his brows and bent his neck to look down at her. “You’re also here to teach, you’re a teacher, remember?” He replied, raising the other brow to match the already raised one.

Still dragging his feet, he huffed once before allowing her to take him with her; she might have one the body battle, but the war certainly wasn’t over. There were more battles to be had.

He glanced down at the pots and their overgrown plants that were too big for their confined spaces and let out a loud sniff before turning back to face her. “It-It’s really quite simple, you just reach over, grab the plant by the base, loosen the dirt around it, and give it a nice yank.” He imitated the yanking in the air before hearing a few children giggle and turning to give them a sharp warning look.

“Go on, Clara, try it.“

“Well this was personalised. I’ve found a place that sells them but I don’t have time to go and pick it up.”

The Doctor thought it through for a few minutes before sighing and then nodding. “Alright, fine, where is it!? It better not be too far out, I have a programme at noon, and I heard it was the end of the cliff-hanger.”

Again with the questions!? Is it going to end with you people!?

What are you proudest of? Generally, the school looks nicest when I’ve finished cleaning and repairing it.

Who was the first person you ever fancied? Pass.

First person you ever kissed? My mum, familial way, of course. Next.

What’s one thing you do better than anyone else? Everything?

Who’s your man crush? A what now? A ‘man crush’? I’m not crushing any men.

Who’s your woman crush? .....no.

Do you find people to be generally accepting of you? Why or why not? I don’t want people to generally accept me.

What is one cause you are proud to say you support? I support animals and getting pudding brains to graduate.

What do you know now, that you wish you could have told yourself when you were younger? Stop leaving the kettle on the stove, you barmy fool.

Just sitting there like a dumb little ball of fur that it was.

How dare it travel into traffic and risk its life for him to be forced to save!? But he couldn’t leave it to it’s inevitable doom, he had to do something. When the Doctor saw a car speeding towards it(and obviously not paying attention) he dashed out into the middle of the road and scooped it up, causing the driver to slam on her brakes and horn. Giving her a scowl, he placed the little bundle in his coat and walked very slowly back to the school grounds where he could take care of the little fur ball.

It was only then that he realised someone was watching him the whole time. “What? Haven’t you ever seen a man rescue a kitten from extreme danger before!?”

Ugh. He’d tricked her. Done quite a good job of it as well. But she could hardly admit it. The only thing worse than being tricked was letting on that she’d been tricked in the first place. Especially by The Doctor. 

He was not winning!

She’d meant to involve herself in an activity she despised. Of course. She’d been meaning to work on her green thumb. 

Clara took a step towards him, eyes narrowing into a threatening glare as he held his rake up to her – no doubt to stop her from slapping him. Which frankly, he deserved. 

Arse. 

“Yeah, all right,” she agreed, dodging the rake so she might grab hold of his arm. “You teach me the de-potting, and I will teach you how to treat the students like actual people.”

Yeah, definitely not winning. They’d both lose together. 

Ahhhh.

Yes. He’d gotten her. Right under his carefully made, happily planted, and deeply rooted plan.

Grinning at her in triumph, the Doctor looked over at the children, who for the most part looked extremely bored, (and he didn’t blame them) before looking back at her. When she dropped his rake (shield) he blinked a few moments and before he could react, she had grabbed him to drag him over to the potted plants.

Oh.

Ohhh. 

No way was Clara Oswald going to win this! Frowning, he quite literally dragged his feet as she began to pull at him. “I think it’s not terribly hard to de-pot a plant and seeing as I’m the instructor in this club, I should be instructing you, not showing you how. There’s a difference, and it’s a big one - so get to taking the plants out of the pots and moving them to soil. Not hard, Clara.”

He all but shook his head at her offer (insistence) to teach him how to treat students like actual people. “They’re children, their brains are wet sponges. Squeeze them enough and everything will just fall out anyway!”

“I like hugs, but he likes you! Clearly he thinks you’re more huggable than I am.” In fact, James was starting to feel slightly offended. Surely he was better hugging material. Less boney. 

Sighing dramatically, he waved at Oscar, trying to register in the robot’s cameras. “Come here, you. Leave dad alone.” Detaching the robot from the Doctor, he only succeeded in making the robot even more depressed. There were two tears on the emoji face now. 

“Look what you’ve done, now he thinks you don’t want him!”

The Doctor’s eyebrows shot straight up as he looked down at the robot. As much as he wanted to appease his son, he just couldn’t bring himself to hug the metallic creature.

He almost felt bad when Oscar’s face began to show how desperately sad he was. Almost. Sighing in relief when the robot let him go, he placed his arms back down by his side before raising a brow at his son. “Me!? He’s your robot! If he wants love and affection, bring him to Jack!”

“Oh I always keep my promises.” River grinned quite obviously excited to get some help. “Thank you Darling, I knew I could count on you… Don’t worry it’s not bad, I just may have smashed a certain mug belonging to a certain headmistress. I need help finding a replacement.”

The Doctor glanced around for a moment or two before giving a wry smile. “Alright River, I’ll get you a new mug for her. Have any standards you’d like me to look for when getting the mug?”

I don’t know why I even agreed to this stupid thing, but here you go tiny little pudding brains;

What’s your favourite colour? Orange... no... Grey... no... Blue... no..... I'll go with 'Yes'.

When you were in school (100 years ago) what did you want to be when you grew up? A Caretaker. Next question.

What’s your favourite movie? I don't own a tele.

When you’ve got good news, who is the first person you want to tell? Why? Is there something I should know? Fine... probably Clara.

What’s your favourite season? Summer, because you're all gone.

If you could travel anywhere in space or time, where would you go and why? To Victorian England, always wanted to ask Victoria one simple question...'why?'

What’s your lucky number? 12.

Who’s your best mate? Barnabus.

Do you believe in love at first sight? No.

Yes. Yes, she was. Clara Oswald – depotting girl!

She smiled almost smugly, proud of herself. She’d finally managed to get through to the old man. About time he started listening to her. 

Except….. if he was taking her advice – really truly taking it – then why was she on de-potting duty rather than Doctor duty? Wasn’t she meant to be helping him with his patience?

“Wait – hang on, I what?”

The Doctor grinned menacingly at Clara, clasping his hands together he gestured around him at all the potted plants. “...Well?” He tilted his head a bit and waited patiently.

“You said you would stick around and help, so, get helping!“ He ushered, glancing at the children.

“Look, even the children are waiting on you, don’t be lazy, Clara!“ He huffed, grabbing his rake and began to point the non-sharp end at her.