our own side

my name’s cody, i’m 27, and queer in more ways than two. despite my alleged grumpiness, i am very approachable. dm me a cool animal fact or something. i’ll send you one back.

this space is not safe for neil gaiman and believes kate beckinsale. i’m not exactly quiet about it. (search on my blog if you want to know what that looks like). if you’re sensitive to this content, trust that i’ll always tag with #fuck neil gaiman and/or #fuck michael sheen as well as other more specific trigger warnings when they apply. feel free to use your filters.

feeling generous? help me afford groceries on ko-fi! i’m offering a few different things on there, but any tip is majorly appreciated.

check out my ao3 if you’re inclined. here’s what’s on there:

i think because i’m in the middle of processing a lot of documentary worthy horrible things that have happened to me over the course of my life, i have become a bit bitter to the world. and like that’s not me. i actually have a really stupidly big heart. and in the middle of things i have forgotten that the universe tends to reward me for that. good things happen to me too. the life i’m living now is worth living.

i’ve made a fair number of posts listing good things that exist in the universe, but here are some good things that the universe has gone ahead and opened up for me, and by extension allowed me to offer to myself. this will inevitably be long and fairly personal, so scroll away if you’d prefer.

- i’ve actually had sufficient luck with doctors. i won’t say they’ve all been helpful because that’d be far from the truth, but considering my condition is incredibly rare and complicated, i can still say i’ve gotten help when i really needed it. that’s largely due to white privilege and the fact that i have health insurance, but i’d like to think it’s also because i’m good at talking to people. i’m kind and i advocate for myself firmly and unrelentingly. and it pays off. i was never taken to the doctor as a kid despite the whole terminal illness situation, but now i take myself to the doctor. it’s tolerable to live in my body because of that.

- this one feels sort of odd, because everyone i knew at this time in my life massively fucking sucked, but i was homeless for a while and never once had to sleep on the street. i had so many people offer to take me in, open up their homes to let me stay on their couches or even just a spot on their floor. i was never hungry or cold.

- and now i live in a nice ass house. and we worked hard to get it, it didn’t just come to us. i fucking love this house; it’s spacious, the rent is reasonable for our area, and my cat is buried in the yard. i’ve become so attached to this place. i’ve never loved a home before this on, and while it didn’t come easily, i made it. i’m safe in my home.

- i also live near the beach? i moved here sort of chaotically without knowing the area at all, but i fell in love with the ocean immediately. something about it. beautiful and powerful and soothing and terrifying all at once. it is such a privilege to be feeling like shit and just pick up and drive to the shore, like what a goddamn gift. and when i can’t drive myself my wife takes time out of her day to take me herself because she loves me and knows it’s important to me.

- which reminds me that i am so loved! that’s so cool! i used to be very much not loved and i have since worked so hard to put myself in situations with people who actually care about me. i’m fucking engaged to the BEST PERSON I’VE EVER MET. she’s absolutely incredible, just an amazing human being and i’m so lucky to be committed to her. and my dad is sober now and acting like a fucking dad, which is also very cool. proud of him even though he’s on my nerves half the time. same goes for my sisters. well, the love despite irritation part, not the addiction part. i just have so many good people around. i feel i am in a period of struggle with many of my closest friends (which i think is mostly due to the fact that the world is in such an unsustainable state right now in so many ways that it’s making us all more under supported and anxious) but i’m eternally grateful that the conflict there can feel safe. that’s so essential in relationships. so it feels good even if it’s hard right now. secure. also grateful for my newest close friend aurora (despite the fact that we’ve known each other for like two years now what the fuck) who may or may not read this post. kinda hope she doesn’t because i’m about to say something embarassing but like. it’s been a while since i’ve had a friend who i feel so aligned with in terms of like heart and mind and values, and even though we endure the curse of long distance friendship i am very glad to know her. you make me feel loved too.

- jumping off that, a few years ago i was terrified to fall asleep because of a childhood thing, thought i was gonna die in my sleep fr, and one night it got so bad that my two best friends stayed up the entire night in shifts to monitor my vital signs. no questions asked. they just dropped everything for me for one night of good sleep where i didn’t have to be scared. and honestly i think i earned that! what goes around comes around and above all else i deserve to be cared for. hell yeah.

- this is a weird one, but i feel very lucky to be a quick learner. i pick up things fairly easily, which means that upon becoming allergic to every food, i’ve learned how to cook things that taste good. it’s sort of a matter of valuing myself enough to actually make those things for myself, but i’m working on it. treating myself like i’d treat my fiancé lmao. the same goes for writing, actually!my hobbies used to be like stuff like skateboarding, but i super cannot do that anymore because of my health, so i underwent this big shift. had to figure out what would be accessible to me, and writing was one of them. i just sort of picked it up with nothing but hope and heart about a year ago and got pretty good at it lol love that for me.

- and this one is for eybe, who i KNOW won’t see this because we have wildly different algorithms, but i built this life myself. all the good things i have access to now—my loved ones, my doctors that listen, my safe home, my skills, my joy—i fought so hard for. i made it here through blood sweat and tears like I DID THAT. went from documentary worthy horrors to a life of my own making, which, while still difficult, i am loved and cared for and i have cool hobbies. i’ve come so fucking far. therapy has been life saving, i am literally a different person, and on my good days i fucking loooove that person. i’ve become my perfect version of kindness. most of you don’t know me like i know me and you likely never will, but i know i have a good heart. this post was a lovely reminder.

so yeah fine the world is a beautiful fucking place. humanity is a mixed bag but i’m in a very nice pocket right now, all things considered, and everyone who hurt me then cannot hurt me any longer. my health is in a tumultuous state and i have a procedure tomorrow that i’m really nervous about because uh my life will be mildly at risk but like i think it’s gonna be fine. i think it’s all gonna be fine, actually. maybe it’s very not fine at the moment but historically it does work out in the end. the universe has my back i think.