fears, disability, and insomnia

add/adhd meds that act as stimulants (i.e., adderall, vyvanse, ritalin) can make you very dehydrated!

My brain:

This is a personal piece I finished at 4:30am today.

The sentence people use to describe ADHD when they don’t have it themselves.

ADHD is so much more than what people think. It’s more than shaking your leg/biting your pen/playing with your hair/tapping your pen. It’s more than spacing out. It’s more than forgetting your keys or phone every once in awhile. It’s more than talking to someone then going “oh look at that...!”

For me, it’s looking my boyfriend in the eyes and not hearing a word he just said to me and just nodding. It’s me and mom arguing because I forgot to do that one thing she’s asked me to do for the 5th time that week. It’s me feeling the worst pain in my chest when I get sad/angry. It’s the unfinished books on my shelf, the unfinished games. That one game I beat in 3 days when it took so many people I know at least two weeks because I was so hyperfocused. My obsession with very specific things/characters because I’m so hyper fixated on it (Bakugou, baby I’m looking at you). It’s me and my boyfriend arguing because I’m so convinced he never told me about those plans. The laundry on my floor when it gets really bad in my head. The noise of the TV on constantly because I can’t be in a quiet room for more than 10 minutes. It’s me zoning out while I’m driving and wondering honestly how I made it home. It’s me saying “fuck it” and getting my tattoos when I go to the tattoo convention and see something I like, not planning where I’m going to put it just saying “here!” The constant thoughts in my head that I wish so badly would shut the fuck up for just 10 minutes. The constant feeling of not belonging no matter who I’m with or where I am. My boyfriend jokingly saying “it’s ok if I tell you now, you’ll forget it later anyway.” My mom never taking me seriously. Me crying at 3am because I was thinking too much and got too in my head.

Me and my friends who have ADHD all laugh about the memes we find relating to it, shrug it off when we tell someone we have it, laugh it off when we forget that one thing we weren’t supposed to.

Just because we laugh it off doesn’t mean we aren’t internally beating ourselves up.