Fiona smiles.

Detail of an embroidered silk gauze ritual garment from a 4th century BC, Zhou era tomb at Mashan, Hubei province, China. The flowing, curvilinear design incorporates dragons, phoenixes, and tigers. Rows of even, round chain-stitches are used both for outline and to fill in color.

YO, I GOT SOME TIPS FOR ALL THE MISERABLE LADIES!

(and hell fucking yes i used to be one)

try getting ready in the morning wearing only the underwear you look the best in (only buy underwear you feel the best in) or get ready naked. it’s like a scientifically proven fact that all boobs are amazing, and i’ve discovered there’s this weird victoria’s secret angel switch that gets flipped when you’re nude putting on makeup or brushing your hair. you just look like a fox.

don’t be scared to do things you’re really good at in front of people (they want to see) and don’t be scared to talk about how good you are at things (there is a difference between arrogance and confidence, and we’ve been told repeatedly that being proud of ourselves is cocky and unattractive: FUCK THAT, WE’RE JUST THE SHIT, WE CAN’T HELP IT)

in recent years i’ve discovered that i’m super hot. you also happen to be super hot. i think “super hot” is a combination of attractive, unique, and comfortable. it just took me a long time to learn how to make myself feel and look super hot, learn what you need to do to make yourself realize you’re super hot, and do that. (if you think i’m an idiot and i’m just telling your to put on tons of makeup, read the next bullet)

make yourself feel pretty. makeup is not a bad thing. no, you don’t need it. no, you don’t have to have it to be “super hot.” but the coolest thing about it is that it’s a useful tool for shaping your hotness into exactly what you’d like to show to the world, and that’s badass. it’s okay if you aren’t born looking the way you feel inside, cause you have the power to tweak. that also goes for your hair, your clothes, etc. for example, do you think your head looks like a penis when your hair is short? grow it out. do you absolutely love when your head looks like a penis? THEN FUCK YEAH KEEP IT THAT WAY

be honest as much as you possibly can. to yourself, be honest all the time. if you find you are having a really hard time telling certain people the truth, then maybe they are the wrong people for you. do you trust them? do they make you feel bad about yourself? NAH DUDE FUCK THAT

if you are uncomfortable, you are instantly not super hot. i don’t mean like if you are wearing shoes you love and they hurt your feet. i mean, if you’re shaving your legs every single fucking day and you hate it but you don’t want anyone to say anything. instead, you should only shave your legs so you can feel the pleasure of your smooth legs against the sheets. or because YOU like them shiny when you’re at the beach. and if you like your legs hairy, don’t shave them! only change yourself if to YOU, that is super hot.

masturbate all the time. that is all.

the only person that deserves anyone as super hot as you, is a person that knows they are super hot. and a person that realizes you and fawns in the glorious light that is your super hotness.

don’t go to work if you have nightmares about it. quit and get a new job. you maybe probably aren’t going to love it (hey, maybe you WILL), because it’s work. but if it is affecting your well-being to the point of suffocation then quit. there are tons of shitty jobs that are less shitty than that one. 

you really need to have a catalog of things that you know make you feel better. you will come across these things slowly and randomly. but remember them, and practice them when you feel shitty. you’re going to feel shitty, so be stocked up on plenty of antidotes.

iT SURVIVED THE EARTHQUAKE THAT LEVELED THE REST OF THE CITY IN 365 A.D. 

CLEOPATRA’S FUCKING PALACE

WITH INTACT FUCKING STATUARY

NOT TO MENTION THE REST OF THE FUCKING ENTIRE GODDAMN ISLAND OF ANTIRRHODOS INCLUDING THE ANCIENT PORT OF ALEXANDRIA

AND THEY’RE GONNA BUILD A MOTHERFUCKING UNDERWATER MUSEUM

UNDERWATER. MUSEUM.