no time

Of course Bray knew that Finn would be out of energy most of the time, and he was prepared for that. What he really wasn’t prepared for was the lack of boyfriend he felt. It wasn’t Finn’s fault, he knew that one-hundred percent. It was just that sometimes he didn’t feel like he had a partner in all of this, when it was mostly him taking care of Finn. He hated feeling that way, and would never let Finn know he felt that way. Brayson loved Finn with his entire heart, and would never want anything more than to take care of Finn for the rest of his life, if he could. “You’re my favorite person ever.” He whispered into the boys cheek before planting a kiss. His lips lingered gently, biting on his own as he used his finger to guide Finn’s lip to his own by pushing the boys chin over. He kissed him for a few seconds before going in for another, deepening and longing for it. “Just trying to make you forget where you are, is that okay?” He looked into the boys eyes before smirking and letting his hand rest on the boys thigh, moving it up only an inch before kissing him again. Bray tried to make all their conversations seem normal, even if Finn wasn’t in the greatest mood. It sometimes made everything stop, and they were just them— minus the cancer. “You’re the best boyfriend I could ever ask for, don’t be so hard on yourself, babe. The only part that sucks for me is that I have to think about you when I’m in the shower. I think about you long and hard. All puns intended.”

The movie on the TV was only to distract them from what they truly feared; the empty hospital room that only consisted the two of them, a chair, a sofa, and a big machine that was supposed to be killing the one thing that was killing the love of his life. Bray remembered everything they went through together, and being there in such a dark time of Finn being rediagnosed was one of the worst things he’d gone through in a long time— ever, really. But it was something that obviously brought them together in the worst of ways. “You and me.” He repeated, smiling as he took the boys free hand in his own. It really had been a lot of… alone time for Bray. Finn wanted to always sleep and be alone himself, and Bray could completely understand— especially after everything he’d been through and was doing. It was normal for him. Bray had to learn that his boyfriend couldn’t always pleasure him in the ways that a more functioning relationship could, which resulted in longer showers and heavier sighs. “We could you know,” His eyes gazed up at Finn, cuddling next to him, but far enough away to give him his space. It was a warm cuddle, however. His hands slid slowly up the boys wrist, gripping and rubbing as he went. “Whenever you feel up to it again, just say something. We don’t have to do a lot of stuff, but you know, there’s other stuff we can do.” Bray bit his lip gently, feeling how chapped it was before moistening it and fluttering his eyes a few times. “I still think you’re the most beautiful person in the world. You know that, right? I’m sorry if I say it constantly, I just never want you to forget.” 

The fact that Brayson had pointed out their first time together was weighing on Finn’s mind, and he knew that despite his inability to give Brayson what he wanted all the time, the boy was still happy to be with him. That was something that Finn didn’t always understand. He didn’t get why Brayson stuck around when something so simple as watching a movie together was often interrupted by Finn getting ill or needing to rest, but that didn’t mean that the boy was any less grateful for the relationship that he had. Finn leaned against Brayson the second he felt his boyfriend press up against him, knowing that he needed to be held right now, even if he was tense and already starting to feel the effects of the chemo. “I know we can,” he said quietly as he interrupted Brayson’s hand moving along his wrist to grab ahold and lace his fingers through the boy’s. “I know, and I want to, honestly.” The treatments left him often feeling wiped out until he needed his next treatment, and that meant that he was rarely up for anything when it came to being with the boy, but Finn was determined to try, even if the treatment took a big hit to his libido. Finn shifted so that he was looking at Brayson before a soft smile spread across his lips. “I don’t always get it, but I know you mean it. I love you, Bray, even if I’m always miserable these days.” He leaned in and rested his forehead against Brayson’s. “I’m sorry I suck so much in terms of being a good boyfriend.”

It wasn’t easy to watch someone as fragile as the one you loved be put under that kind of pain and suffering. He knew that Finn was strong enough to get through it. It was just that he didn’t want to watch. Hearing the boy talk made him start to tear up more than it should have. He didn’t want to look at him, in fear he’d see him crying and that was the last thing he wanted. Instead, he kept his head down and held onto the  boys hand, which gripped tighter when the IV was starting to inject poison. that Brayson wished would work faster. “I know it does, baby, I know.” Brayson bit his lip, knowing he could cry any minute. Something about today was starting to make him more emotional, and he didn’t understand it. “Only a few hours, it won’t be bad.” He looked up, knowing his eyes were red and glossy, but he wanted to let Finn know that even he could break down. Finn was so used to him being strong, and now, he couldn’t be. “You’re so strong,” He cooed over the machines  noise, stroking the hair back from the boys eyes. “So, um, Pokemon.” He sniffled his nose, moving to the TV in their private room. There was always a bunch of tapes there, and of course, Pokemon was one. When he put it in the player, he looked at his boyfriend with the most loving stare possible. “Do you remember the first time we made love?”

Finn could tell that Brayson was upset, and he knew that the majority of it was his fault because of the illness, but he didn't want to think about it. Instead he shifted to gently wrap his hand around Brayson's. "Hey," he said quietly before he leaned in and pressed his lips to the boy's cheek. "I'm okay," he mumbled. "We're okay." He knew that technically wasn't the case, but he wanted to make Bray happy, even if he didn't really have a way to do that. The IV in his arm was already starting to itch and Finn knew that he was going to be in for a rough couple of hours, but that was why he had his lover there. It always made things easier whenever Brayson was with him for appointments and hospital visits, particularly when Finn generally refused to go anywhere near hospitals unless he had to. His boyfriend took better care of him than the man did himself, and Finn wanted to let him know just how much he loved him even though there wasn't a great way to express that at the moment. He quietly watched Brayson put the movie on, but Finn didn't really want to pay any attention to the film at the moment. He honestly only wanted to scratch at his arm but he's been yelled at so much by the nurses before for doing that that he tried to resist. "Yeah..." He smiled quietly, choosing to focus more on the concept of their first time together instead of the knowledge that his cancer had come back. He had been rediagnosed that day and it had been one of the things that allowed Finn to gather the courage to let himself have sex with Brayson. Sex was rare these days, especially when Finn was too sick to function like a normal person most of the time. "I don't think I could ever forget it, you know. You and me..." Finn sighed quietly. "I wish we could do that more often. I miss the feeling of being so intimate with you."

"Don’t be sorry. You just told me how you feel, it’s okay to do that." The hospital wasn’t particularly crowded, but there were obviously quite a lot of people. They wouldn’t have to wait since they just needed to go in for the chemo treatments. Brayson hated how sick Finn would get over chemo treatments, and just from the cancer in general. His immune system was so low, and there were so many scares that almost put him in the hospital. However, Brayson did whatever he could to make sure that didn’t happen. Bray walked them through the hospital doors, noticing everyone around. They all looked all sickly and rundown like Finn, and it made Brayson sigh that much harder. "Check in, please," He told the woman at the front desk. "Finn Desta, chemo treatment." When the woman checked them in, they were taken to a small room in the back, all too familiar. Brayson let Finn sit down in the big chair before he sat next to him, giving him a reassuring smile, opening his mouth just to say, "Don’t worry, everything will be okay. I’m not going to let anything happen to you, alright? You’re stuck here with me."

The smell of the hospital was overwhelming to Finn at first. He had to take a few moments before he was actually able to tolerate the smell. Finn honestly hated hospitals, hated everything about them, and especially despised the fact that he had to be here of all places instead of spending his time doing something like attending classes or going to a football game or anything better than this. "Thanks for understanding," he told Brayson quietly as he gripped a little bit tighter to his boyfriend's hand. He looked around the room and sighed quietly to himself, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. He knew from experience that interacting with the patients made it harder for them and interacting with their loved ones made it harder on himself, especially when he had to see the saddened looks in their eyes. It was worse when he'd been fifteen and first found out about his cancer; back then the looks had been pitying. Now they were just sad, and Finn didn't need to swap cancer stories with the other patients in the room."I don't want to be here," he mumbled quietly once they were led back to the treatment area, and Finn had to keep from biting roughly on the inside of his cheek when he was given a sympathetic look from the nurse who was moving to set up his IV. "This fucking sucks, Bray." Finn felt a lot more defeated than usual, but he managed to keep quiet when his boyfriend offered more positive words of comfort, only nodding in response before he rested his head back against the chair as the sound of the timer started up.

Bray never really knew for Finn to get mad— frustrated, yes. There were definitely days when the boy would cry and scream and just want to be cancer-free. Those days were days that Brayson truly wanted to forget, because of how painful they were; seeing someone you loved so hurt and destroyed made his heart feel like it could burst. When he watched Finn start to talk to him, his face fell gently. “I… yeah, um. I understand, I’m sorry. I’m trying to tell myself it’s okay, too.” He gripped onto the wheel before pulling out of the parking space and onto the road. The rest of the drive to the hospital was quiet, and Brayson left Finn alone like he obviously wanted right now. When they pulled up, he parked the car and got out to grab their bag and waited for the boy to get out of the passenger seat. He smiled at the boy, close-lipped and careful, as he let his hand out for Finn to grab so he could lead him in. Their fingers intertwined, and Bray started walking towards the doors. “Maybe they’ll let us watch Pokemon or something.”

"I'm sorry," Finn immediately said in response to Brayson's words. He felt horrible for the fact that he had made his boyfriend upset because it showed just how moody he was. He wasn't like this usually, not when he didn't have to deal with the chemo and the nausea and all of the frustration being constantly sick. He missed the early days in their relationship, when they had been younger and he had been healthy and didn't have to worry about unintentionally upsetting Brayson. "I didn't mean to...snap," he mumbled once they finally got to the hospital. "I've just heard all the positive things so much that it makes me uncomfortable." He climbed out of the car and reached for the man's hand immediately, clinging to him as they made their way into the hospital. "If we can, can we watch the one with Mewtwo? That was always my favourite."

Brayson never really knew when he was being overbearing, but he wanted the boy to know that it was going to be okay. He didn’t want him feeling alone at any point of this. “Yeah, I’ll get Lego Movie or something.” Brayson smiled only a little, a sad smile, but one with eyes that were searching from something happy to smile about. He knew how tired Finn was going to be, and it would probably be tiresome just to get him to watch that. “You are, babe. I wouldn’t lie to you.” Their intimate moment was short lived when Brayson realized what time it was. “Almost one. You’re supposed to be there at two.” Continuing to hold the boys hand, he only let his lips move up in response to the boy admitting he was fine. “Just another chemo session.” With that, he grabbed the bag on his shoulder and led the boy out of their small apartment and down to the car where he opened the door and let the boy sit. “It’s warm out here,” He commented. “I’ll get the AC on in a minute.” After packing the bag in the back, he sat in the front driver’s seat before starting the ignition and looking over at Finn. “Remission is coming. We’re gonna get through it.”

Honestly, Finn wouldn't have minded if they continued to keep making out and just skipped his appointment, but that wasn't something that was possible, especially with Brayson continually reminding him about the appointment that he wanted to forget. When he was younger, he used to try and manipulate his way out of chemotherapy appointments, but these days he just begrudgingly accepted them. "Fucking chemo," he mumbled as he gripped tighter to Brayson's hand, following him down to the car. His sessions always seemed to ruin everything, and it made him want to go even less. Finn felt a little bit dizzy as he climbed into the car, and even though he was listening to Brayson's words, he wasn't really paying attention this time. Not until he started talking about remission. "Bray," Finn said slowly as he shifted in his seat to look at him. "I know you're trying to be optimistic and everything, but can we please not talk about remission and pulling through it every single time I've got to go get chemo. It's not even remotely close to helpful." He sighed. "That was probably mean, I'm sorry, but you know how I get on these days..." He ran his hand over his face slowly, a weak sigh escaping his lips.

It was quite obvious to know how Finn felt after chemo, because he was always way more quiet than usual and slept… a lot. It was okay, though. Brayson didn’t mind watching after him and making sure he took all his medication and drank a lot of water. That’s what soulmates were for, after all. “Yeah, definitely. I’ll pick up a few light kinds just in case you feel a little nauseous. You’ll also have to tell me what kind of movie you’re up for.” Their fingers were intertwined, and Brayson pulled Finn forward steadily, looking at him with the same heart eyes that he always did. “You’re looking rather pretty this morning.” His voice was a little raspy from the morning still, his hood over his head as he looked at the boys cloudy eyes. His head leaned down gently to peck the boys lips, taking in the boy’s bottom lip between his own. He squeezed at the boys hand before pulling back and letting his eyes drift around. They looked a little sad as his hand reached up to caress the boy’s face. “God only gives you what you can handle. You’re very strong, and he knows it. Stay strong.”

A part of Finn wanted to snap and just tell Brayson that they didn't need to get a special kind because his body was so fucked up, but he kept it quiet. "That's fine with me," he told his boyfriend quietly before he looked at him. "Can we do something...can we do a kid's movie?" He wasn't really in the mood for a kid's movie, but he knew that after the chemo he probably would be half asleep for most of it and fully asleep for the end, so he wanted something he'd either already seen or wouldn't be upset about missing. The compliment had Finn laughing quietly as he followed him out the door. "I look like shit," he responded. "All pale and in my pjs. I doubt the wig's even on right." Finn lightly scratched at the top of his head before he stopped with Brayson, immediately leaning into the kiss before it ended too soon. He was disappointed that it didn't last as long as he'd wanted, but Finn didn't complain. He leaned into Brayson's touch and sighed quietly. "I'm fine," he told him softly. "Besides, it's not like I'm admitted into the hospital or anything. It's just another chemo session. I'll survive just fine, Bray."

The chuckle escaped Brayson’s lips as he sipped his juice, watching the boy start to pick at the food. He didn’t care how much the boy ate, he didn’t want him to get sick. All he wanted was for him to feel a little better, and have at least something in there— whether it be a crumb or a full piece of toast. Brayson remembered lots of sick mornings that happened too often than not, and he didn’t want the morning to start off like that. This was going to be a good day. “No, baby, don’t be sorry. I get it, you just don’t feel good.” He words came out softly as he pulled the plate away from the table and placed it in the sink to clean later. “You don’t need to change, right? Wearing your PJ’s?” Brayson took a bag from the living room that they kept to keep Finn patient and distracted at the doctors, along with a change of clothes for both just in case. Brayson held his hand out for the boy before moving a little bit and smirking kind of sadly. “The sooner we get there, the sooner we can get back. I’ll also find a RedBox we can watch tonight, or something.”

There was a slight wave of disappointment that Finn felt the second he watched Brayson take the plate away. He was angry with himself that he couldn't eat more, that he couldn't do more. Usually he had better days than this before his chemo treatments, but it seemed like the fight to function like a normal human being had drained from him today. "I'm still sorry," he mumbled more to himself than anything before he stood and shook his head, immediately shuffling to go and find his shoes and jacket to put on. Finn had given up on getting properly dressed when they went to the hospital for chemo, especially since he usually ended up just getting sweaty and nauseous by the end of it. "When I'm done, can we get some ice cream to go with the movie?" he asked quietly as he slipped his hand into Brayson's, intertwining their fingers together as he looked at the boy. Sometimes he hated being so unable to function, and this was trying to become one of those times, but Finn tried to shake it off. Just because he was going to go and get his veins filled to the brim with chemicals didn't mean he had to mope around in the process.

Brayson knew that the boy felt awful about 95% of the time, and he felt like he was completely worthless. He couldn’t make his boyfriend feel better when he promised that he’d make him feel so good all the time; he wasn’t able to keep that promise, and it hurt him. “Good, because I’m not going to stop loving you. You’re stuck with me.” His smile was wide as he finished off a piece of toast, some of the egg on it as well. “You’re the sexiest person I know. That’s one of the many reasons why you’re such a lovely boyfriend.” Brayson wasn’t going to lie; he was scared about death and Finn leaving and what he was supposed to do. He didn’t want to think about it, because there was a massive chance for survival for many years. But it still effected his thoughts a little more than he would have liked. When he watched the boy start eating, his face grew a little happier. He sat back in his chair and drank his orange juice before finishing it off and grabbing his plate. “Finish your breakfast and take your medicine. I’ll clean everything up when you’re done, but I’m going to go get changed.” He picked his table set up before placing it in the sink and kissing the boys forehead again. He walked into their room and put on a pair of comfortable jeans and a t-shirt, messing around his hair, as well. A hoodie and his glasses were placed on his face before he walked back into the kitchen and noticed the boy still sitting. “Don’t rush, babe.”

A soft chuckle escaped Finn's lips as he looked at Brayson. "Only one of the reasons?" he mumbled. "I thought it was the reason." He wasn't being serious, of course, but joking about his attractiveness was a lot better than having to think about the fact that the boy he was dating had chosen a boy with cancer to spend his life with. He slowly chewed at a bite of egg, taking his time to make sure that the end result wouldn't have him with his head in the toilet, regretting that he'd ever tried eating in the first place. He'd damaged one of his favourite wigs that way, and the result had Finn clutching his stomach and mourning the loss of the gorgeous fake hair. He lightly scratched at his scalp as he watched Brayson leave the room, mumbling something about how he could actually do the dishes every once in a while, but Finn didn't push the matter as he tried to eat the egg, poked at the bit of toast and eventually gave up. He sipped slowly at the tea, stomach churning uncomfortably as he stared at the rest of the eggs and the half-eaten toast with a feeling of guilt rising within him. "I'm sorry," he mumbled softly to Brayson as he stood from the table, swaying slightly before he found his balance. "I tried."

At first, Brayson could hardly look at Finn without getting sad because all he thought about was the cancer, even though he knew that Finn wouldn’t want him to think that way. It was something he couldn’t help, though. All of the wigs and things that weren’t him were really different, and Brayson just wanted his boyfriend, after all. Finn looked exhausted, and he knew that he probably was, just like always. Brayson picked up some eggs with his fork, placing them between his teeth and swallowing them before looking at Finn and licking his lips. “I don’t want you to go, but you have to. You’re gonna get better.” The more he told himself that, the truer it was in his mind. Even when he knew that it was hard to swallow, Finn was going to go even stronger this time. He knew it. “You know I love you, right? No matter what we hear today, I’m with you, Finny.” Brayson set his fork down to grab the boys hand, holding it gently in his own before stroking over the boys knuckles. His hand was very fragile feeling, almost like paper— very weak and not much grip. “And I still think you’re smoking hot. Nothing’s ever going to change that. None of that cancer bullshit, especially. Fuck it.”

"I know," Finn mumbled heavily before he closed his eyes, holding onto the fork for a moment before he set it down. "I know I have to go, that it'll make things better if I go, but that doesn't mean I want to..." The feeling of nausea was rising again and Finn looked at the food for a moment before he gently nudged the plate back, reaching for the tea instead. "I promise I'll eat in a bit," he mumbled before he picked up the mug and sipped at the tea. He watched Brayson eat his breakfast, wishing that he could do that, that eating things while getting the chemo didn't just taste like shit all the damn time and that he wouldn't have to worry about constantly being nauseous after that. When Brayson took his hand, a gentle smile spread across Finn's face. "I know," he said quietly. "I know you love me, and I love you too, Bray." The words were encouraging, and even though Finn knew that Brayson was trying to help, he had heard the encouragement so much that it really didn't faze him anymore. "I am, aren't I?" he said with a small laugh as he looked at Brayson. "I'm the hottest person in the world." He said the words in a teasing tone, but it still made him smile that Brayson thought he was so attractive even though he was bald and constantly in a state of either sleeping, getting sick or some other form of barely-functioning state. He reached for the fork with his free hand again, slowly willing himself to eat the food.

Brayson grabbed a few plates from the cabinet, along with two glasses, and filling one with a settling cup of tea for Finn, and orange juice for himself. He knew that it made him even more nauseous than usual, and a hot cup of tea would at least give an illusion that he wasn’t for a bit. The eggs were nice and scrambled about ten minutes later; the bread was toasted and laid on the plate before he scraped the egg off onto the toast. He turned to see his boyfriend making his way slowly into the kitchen, looking horribly sick, and that made Brayson’s face want to shatter, but he kept looking happy to make sure the boy would be in good spirits. “Hey, lovey. I made you breakfast. I’d eat something before we go, because you don’t want to faint, yeah?  Especially if they take blood.” Brayson walked over to the boy, kissing his face gently and wanting to hold the frail body in his arms. The plates that were sitting on the counter made their way into Brayson’s arms as he took them to the two-seated table near the window in their small apartment, looking over the city. “Made you a cup of tea, as well. Hopefully we’ll get some positive chemo results today, yeah?” Sitting down, his eyes were open with their own positiveness, as he looked at the boy and took a sip of his orange juice.

The thing that Finn always did after he got up was pick out a wig. It was one of the very first things that he did every morning, and despite the fact that he never displayed it, he was always a little ashamed of the fact that he couldn't grow his own hair, that he had to hide his bald head beneath wigs all the time. They allowed him to be creative, but at the same time, they also kept him from being able to fully be himself when he wanted to, and he wanted to be completely himself around Brayson. It had taken him the entire time the boy was making breakfast to make his way to the closet and pick a wig to wear, and when he finally made it out to the kitchen area, he felt exhausted. "Can I just go back to bed?" he mumbled softly before he carefully lowered himself into the chair across from Brayson. The feeling of the lips pressed against his skin was barely comforting, but despite it all, Finn still managed a small smile. "I don't want to go..." The sight of the breakfast in front of him made his stomach churn, but Finn swallowed it down, trying to ignore the feeling before he reached for the fork and began poking at the eggs.

It had been months since Finn had found the re-occurrence, and Brayson remembers the day very clearly. Finn hadn’t said anything all day, and when he did, he just broke down. It wasn’t easy to hear, especially after knowing Finn and knowing that their life together could be cut short because of something so, so stupid. When he heard the boy mumble, the smile on his face lit up. It was amazing to know they had another day together, and Brayson never took it for granted. “C’mon, baby.” He rolled away from the boy smoothly before sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling a pair of green stripped boxers on. His body leaned over the bed once he was on his toes and kissed the boys face. “I’ll make you breakfast and get your meds, okay?” He pulled away, waiting for a subtle nod before turning on his heels and walking out of the bedroom and to the small kitchen. A scrambled egg and toast were usually all Finn would be up for, so that’s exactly what Brayson started making for them, waiting to hear the small patter of feet emerging from their room. Brayson set the six pills on a plate, in a small cup, as he looked to make sure his boyfriend was awake.

Despite the fact that he knew that Brayson was trying to get him up and functioning, he didn't feel in the mood to try and force himself out of bed. He curled up against a pillow once he found the warmth by his side gone, and even though Finn knew that he should get moving, that he had to get up, he didn't want to. He wanted to mumble that he wasn't hungry, but he knew that his boyfriend was just trying to do what he could to make things better for the both of them. Finn quietly listened to the sounds of things being maneuvered in the kitchen before he slowly forced himself out of bed. The room seemed to be spinning the second he was up, and Finn groaned, clutching his head in his hands to keep from getting nauseous. The only thing worse than the constant sickness was the never-ending nausea that he could never quite escape. "I'll...be there in a few," he called out to Brayson before he carefully shifted into a standing position, trying to quell the nauseous feeling so he could go and attempt to eat the breakfast that his boyfriend so lovingly prepared for him.

The worst thing about cancer was the lack of being able to get a proper night's sleep. Finn had learned this more than once over the years, and despite the fact that he'd been wrapped up in his love's arms, it didn't seem to change the fact that he couldn't sleep through the night without being miserable or uncomfortable half the time. He hadn't managed to fall asleep until six in the morning, and the sleep that he was currently going through was not even remotely pleasant. He felt hot, almost deliriously uncomfortable, but Finn just shifted closer to the body of his lover instead of responding. The feeling of lips against his ear caused him to slowly open his eyes and he looked at Brayson. "M'awake," he mumbled heavily before he pressed his face into the boy's hair, choosing not to respond to mentions of them having to go. He didn't want to go the hospital; he hated it there.