My Diaries

My brother is going through a rough break up. A nearly 4 year relationship. His first break up since my mum died. His last break up, he lost 3 stone and we got him a puppy to try cheer him up. I think it was another girl that cheered him up in the end. 3 girlfriends later and I've moved out, mum's dead, and it's just him, the dog and our emotionally retarded dad.

My dad, one of his older sisters is on her death bed. He doesn't have much of a relationship with her, given the >10 year age gap and her mentally disability. I can tell it's affecting him tho. He's the baby of the family and he's 60 next weekend. 11 days after mum's anniversary. Doesn't want party, doesn't want a birthday. We've a holiday booked for the week afterwards. But my brother won't come.

3 patients later. Pulled from the 1st to the 2nd. Transferred the 2nd. Ate. Then met the 3rd. I struggled to remember who's story was who's by the morning.

Entenox leaking out of the walls at 4am. Meant no plumbed supply for a while. Why was I the only one who knew where the fire valves were?!

Team A to theatre at 7am just as I get the nodd to go for breakfast.

Two band 5s to take over in theatre. Messy handover. Me being the most senior and the only one who'd seen something before, needed to stay to help out.

0820 I walked out of theatre.

Back tonight. And tomorrow night.

I worked nights for the first time in a month. It's grim. I made a point to split them. It didn't help. I'm still awake at 5am thinking of everything that's wrong with my life. I was fine until this madness set in.

I had 4 weeks of feeling fine. Little did I know what was coming. Now I'm back to my reality.

Today was a long day. I hope it turned out ok for you. I realise I left having (only) gotten you into labour after a long induction. 12 hours of me and you're (only) halfway there. I realise I gave you very little if not only bad news. I tried to break the waters, I couldn't. You wanted an epidural, I said wait. We said 4cm I said 3. We said 6cm I said 5. I could never tell good news but you were so easy going, chatty. I would come back from my breaks and nothing was done because the midwives just came in and chatted with you.

At one point you mentioned the radio. Not quite hospital radio but certainly a station echoed everywhere in the hospital.

I got my wish. It came and went. Covid meant it was just my dad, my brother, the dog, and me and my partner. The 4 of us and the dog.

Dinner out on Christmas day meant no stress and no washing up.

The next few days just mean keeping everyone fed and merry. Easily done. We've an unspoken rule about talking about mum. It seems to be going down well... We all deny the reality of what is. What is life without mum. Continue on.

The requests appeared this week. "What do you want to work this year?"

Covid is a major wrecking ball in everyone's plans. My family live in a different country. I have two lots of restrictions to work around.

My mum died in June.

Christmas was never going to be straight forward for us this year. I want to forget it's happening. I want to have my shopping done and the tree up for as long as possible so it just slips by. I don't want a "build up". I just want it to happen and go away.

I've mother's day and her birthday to worry about in March. 5 days apart. I would rather have them off to spend them miles away from home.

I call 6 hours a "half day" but in reality I'm shattered afterwards. Who knows what I'd be like after 12 hours.

But you are.

The Monday afterwards I met friends. Worst weekend ever in work. I dodged a bullet.

This week I went back to work like normal. Tonight I went out with work mates. We never go out. But all I can think of is her. Conversation always goes back to mum. I can't not talk about her. But tonight is like normal. I always sit on the outside of the conversation. What's new.

But he got drunk. He was sick while we were there. I need to take him home. I'm barely drunk, not even tipsy. But I take him home. I'm a mommy. I mind people. I can't be angry at him because I've been sick before. Never caused him to leave early but I've been sick at home before.

My dad is diabetic. He lives 90 miles away but I wish I could visit more often.

My partner lives with me. He's asthmatic. His dad has COPD.

I worry about who I meet. I try to limit my bubble outside of work so that I don't bring my work home with me. The risk of getting mum sick is gone now. But there's still a risk to everyone else.

It's been a long two weeks. I'm still in disbelief. I forget and then I remember. It hurts to remember.