Finding Blake

My mood lifted. I got my hopes up. I knew that a lot of other people were interested in the apartment too, but I had to believe this was right. I had to believe after everything I’ve gone through, that this place would be my next, much happier chapter in life. My next chapter would be where I end up in a beautiful place like that in New York City where all would be right with the world.

I had my doctors appointment today with a new doctor. My therapist even came with me to my appointment. I am so grateful for her, she is the best counselor anyone could ask for. I told the nurse what I was going through at my current medical provider and she said that it won’t be like that here. I almost wanted to cry. I saw the doctor and he was so nice. He wrote me a prescription for A 6 MONTH SUPPLY of testosterone. No more begging people at that health center every two weeks for my testosterone. He set up blood work to be done in December and he set up an appointment with the nurse on Friday and she’s going to teach me how to self-inject. My depression immediately lifted. I called the health center in New York and canceled my Friday appointment with them. I never have to go back there again. I feel so much relief and joy. They gave me my dignity back. And that's a rare thing for transgender person to feel considering all the discrimination and abuse we face. I'm so grateful.

I stopped posting for a while. After what I went through with being treated so badly and having my testosterone dose all over the place because of nurses not caring and not knowing what they are doing, I became really depressed. Medical care for transgender people can be awful. First they would made me wait more than 2 hours each time for a shot that takes 10 minutes. Then one time they lost my appointment after I already checked in and was waiting there for hours. They even made me beg multiple times like some druggie for my testosterone treatment because my doctor would never give me refills on my prescription. And they never did blood work on me to see how I was doing after starting testosterone. They were going to do blood work on the 6th. Still as usual, I had to beg to get my prescription sent down to their pharmacy then the pharmacy took almost an hour. By the time I got back upstairs with my testosterone vial they made me wait another hour to see a nurse. Finally, they gave me my shot really quick but said they are closing and didn’t have time for my blood work. My appointment was at 2. They had me there all the way to closing time. This is a community health center in New York City, and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. I went to my therapist and I said to her I didn’t know what to do. I was drinking more than ever, and I started smoking cigarettes. Anything to get through the day. I told her I would have done drugs if I had access to it. She said I need to get far away from that health center. She recommended a new doctor. I have an appointment with him tomorrow. I can only hope things will get better and I never have to go back to the health center in NYC again.

It really helped my depression. I got a lot done today. I fixed a few things around the house, blew some more leaves, and finished more name change paperwork with different companies like one of my credit cards and my life insurance. I did all this today when yesterday I could barely get out of bed.

Depression was bad today. But later tonight my aunt said she’s going to start trying to call me Blake. It was amazing. I finally don’t have to hear my old name all the time anymore!

I don't know what's going on. They took me from 200mg to 50mg and now I have testosterone flu again. I feel so sick. The last time I got T flu was a month ago. I need a hug and a lot of sleep :(

I made it home to my aunt’s house relatively sober, I didn’t even get a hangover today. I feel really good about life right now. I just hope my therapist can get me a new doctor soon so I can go back to a normal dose of T.

I'm going to New York City today for a checkup at my health center when I get my testosterone. Then I'm going to have fun in Greenwich at my favorite bars like Cubbyhole, Stonewall, and the Duplex. I hope I will have more control than I did last time in NYC when I got alcohol poisoning. That can’t happen again.

I know now I have to keep going. I got my new license today. I look more handsome and more like a man than ever before. I am so happy. This will all be worth it in the end.

I poured myself a glass. It only has 2 shots in it. I didn't drink it yet, but I'm sure I will tonight. I think the past 5 days sober was a great accomplishment and I don't feel guilty about having a few tonight. Truthfully I can't deal with this anymore. I'm so alone. I keep going on my old facebook and I see all my "friends" on the news feed that forgot about me and never bothered to be on my new account. They posted pictures of Halloween parties and all their friends together. But I have no one. Everyone in my life has left me except for my aunt but I don't know how long she'll stay either. I'm so alone. I have no friends. And I started reading this post about whether a woman would date a female to male transgender. I read through the whole thing. Most of them said no and some of it was really painful to read. https://m.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/1b2wzw/would_you_date_someone_who_is_ftm_femaletomale/ I'm not going to make it as transgender. There's this statistic that the average life expectancy of a transgender person is only 30 years old, mostly because of suicide. I haven't had any surgeries and I haven't changed any gender markers on my documents. And I can simply stop taking the testosterone once I start looking "too male." My only chance at life is by trying to be a woman again. Still no one really wanted me when I was a woman either. I'm afraid no matter what I do l'll always be this alone.

Success. 5th night sober. Tonight was rougher than the days before considering I started off feeling down about finding a place to live. I was thinking about drinking a couple times today but I got through it. I did a lot of leaf blowing for my aunt. I'm almost done her whole 1/2 acre yard. There was no way in the past few years not even two weeks ago that I could have gone this long without alcohol. But this week almost magically I could. I think it was because I received the official name change document in the mail a week ago. Just finally legally having a man's name healed me tremendously. I hope things start coming together even more. I need stability now more than ever to stay strong.

I’m getting discouraged. I’ve been looking for an apartment for December 1st and no one is responding to me even on the queer housing page, which I think is because I’m trans. I’ve seen other people get responses and they were cis gendered. I don’t know if I’m going to find a place to live. I could try to pretend I’m not trans but I don’t know how I could hide it in the coming months. I want to be out of my aunt’s house December 1st. I promised her I would and I don't want to impose more than I have already. I've been living with her since May. If no one accepts me I’ll have to stay at my mom’s house where I will be abused again. My chances of recovery are not looking good right now. I have a month to find something though. I have to stay hopeful.

I’m all for nice dreams like this - but then when you have to wake up in the morning it’s hard. :( It's like my brain is coming out of the fog and it's firing off all the things I'm afraid I'll never have. Like seeing the world, having a good paying job, or someone loving me. Alcohol was nice in that it completely knocked me out every night and I never had to deal with my dreams.

Today is my third night without alcohol which is probably the longest I have gone without alcohol in 2 years. My face is swollen which is probably the result of my kidneys not adjusting to being without the diuretic alcohol. Alcohol and depression are a downward spiral for me. I drink because I’m depressed, but alcohol worsens depression and I end up drinking more and more and getting more depressed. I’m breaking the cycle. I need to heal considerably before I can drink any alcohol again. I went to the social security office today with my final judgment from the court to change my name. The closest one was in Pennsylvania and I was the genius who tried to cross states without cash in my wallet. Sure enough there was a toll. It was sad. I had to give the guy at the toll booth a quarter, 5 dimes, and 25 sticky pennies from my cup holder. I felt so bad. But it was kind of funny that I screwed up that badly. At the social security office, the guy at the window took my old social security card and wrote VOID on it saying “You’ll get your new card in the mail in 7 to 10 business days. But I have to void this card with your old name because that’s not you anymore.” I couldn’t stop smiling. He’s right. It’s not me anymore. And it never really was. This is a new chapter in my life. A new name, a new gender, and a new chance at life from finally becoming who I’ve always been. I like to think I am the perfect man because I’m kindhearted to others and I treat women well in relationships. Yet this man is not so perfect because I could never be kind or treat myself well. My transition has to start with fixing Blake and teaching him to finally love himself.

I didn't drink today. I'm grateful at least that I'm not physically dependent on alcohol, I never have had any withdrawal symptoms. It's a psychological dependency caused by my depression. And any time I feel depressed I reach for the bottle which is usually every day even if it's only a few. But I have to stop this because I don't want this to turn into full-blown alcoholism. That scares me because my grandfather was an alcoholic and died of liver cancer. So alcohol abuse is in my genes. I need to get a handle on this and be more careful because it can get out of control quickly. I started getting depressed early this evening. I could feel the energy in me drain and the songs I was listening to started getting sadder and then I was looking over at my bottle of southern comfort. But I fought back. I immediately grabbed my shoes and went for a mile walk. Even in the rain and wind I didn't care. And sure enough that snapped me out of it and I was okay the rest of the night. And that is how I stayed sober today.

I didn't drink last night but I'm still not feeling good from Monday night. I actually look worse today than I did yesterday when I was really sick. I am not going to drink today. I know how this works, I'm fine during the day but I usually start thinking about drinking around 5 or 6ish. So I have to get out of the house at that time so I won't be around my bottles. I can't go to the gym because that is right next to a liquor store and I can never go the gym without buying another bottle. I'll just wander maybe go to a neighboring town and pickup something for dinner. This is a battle I will win. I need to get better. I need to be better.