Misplaced

O my God, Blessed is he who walked upon this land where his voice thundered Commanding men like eunuchs His face familiar but his mere presence was  almighty, dangerous. All fear should have filled me but instead, instead I felt  happy. He draws his weapon, pointed He is my adversary  He is my very destroyer He is my wrecker of kings. My end. My savior.

I saw long ago the whole universe as not my mother, and I glimpsed my place in it, a hole. Yet I exist, I knew. Then I alone exist, I said. It's me or it.

I felt joy. At least what I think was joy. I found sense something coming from miles away across the sea and It finally docked around low tide toward the land. Their ship was mechanical and terrible. Their chainmail rattled as they worked, never speaking a word like walking dead men. If they were trees, their leader was a mountain. For the first time, I felt purely hopeful.  They were Geats from the land of King Hygilac, I overheard from their conversation with the coastguard, coming to help King Danes challenge "the enemy that stalks the halls at night - kills men, and for some reason scorns your warriors."  I watched from afar and smiled a little. His broad shoulders, his muscular arms, and his familiar face, which seems almost like from a dream, with an ironic smile as if he were holding something back, like a magician-power that could turn stone cliffs to ashes. He was dangerous. But I suddenly felt alive. Make your play. Do your worst. 

But when I saw her, my heart beated in a way it hasn't in years. Every day that winter, I stopped my raids. I couldn't do it. Instead, I found myself, peaking through the little hole into Hart where she seems to bring balance and happiness to everyone around her. Maybe even to me, though she cannot see me. I wanted her.  But if I had let her live or killed her,  would it have made a difference?

I had launched my first raid.  I went in and grabbed them in their sleep and devoured them whole. The others went running, screaming as I came through the meadhall. For some strange reason, this brought me a jolt of joy. I had become something, as if born again.  I was Grendel Ruiner of Meadhalls and Wrecker of Kings! As I held up the bench against the men who dared to defend against me, I watched the terror on their eyes and fed of it. They could not touch me.