Spilled Thoughts From A Secluded Mind

If I lay em' on my chest & rest my face there it kinda feels like a hug ♥

-backstory-

When I was v young, for about 10 years I had this small limited edition grumpy bear stuffie that I took everywhere with me. He meant a lot me during my childhood years. I even wrote a few stories about him in grade school when I was younger for class assignments, complete with picture books with grumpy dressed in strange outfits 😂 Someone in my family who shall not be named, tore my room apart & threw away a bunch of my shit. Well while doing that, they threw away my childhood grumpy bear & sadly I didn't not realize right away so he's long gone.

I ordered a look alike of the limited edition bc I cannot afford the one I had before. Even then it wouldnt be the same. I did the next best thing and upgraded one of my others into this weighted pal though and it helps me bunches. I used bags of clean/ fresh aquarium gravel as the weights in his head, arms/legs, torso & noggin.

The scent sachet is a mesh type bag, filled with uncooked rice that I dropped my allllllllll time favorite essential oils onto ♥

As a childhood trauma survivor, I feel I grew up too fast & also lost so much because of it. Now that I'm almost 24 idgaf if I still cling onto stuffed animals at night to feel cozy. I hardly got to feel cozy when I was younger. I'm not sure if I understood true comfort or appreciation in the little things that now, heal my inner child.

When you're in too deep and in too much pain to care about dying.

7/14/19▪️ 2:19 am

You came to me in a dream- with one eye full of hope and the other, uncanny despair.

You touched me between my temples, and ran your hands down all the way to my cryptic cavern which most people refer to as a soul. You dipped one finger after the other and in a matter of seconds, you clenched your fist around my very core and pulled out every last vein from my idle heart. Maybe this is what dying feels like.

You came to me in a dream- whispering sweet nothings of summer skies and promises of a land unknown. I let you grab my hand as we ran through an infinite of yellow daffodils and you screamed profanities to the sky. You were so ready to leave. You stopped because you was running out of breath and i tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. Maybe this is what living feels like.

You whisked me away into a world full of cotton candy and old music. My soul melted as you flung yourself into my arms with a force as strong as the universe. We linked arms and i rested my head on your chest while i tried my best not to say the wrong thing at such a right time. I gazed into your eyes and even though you weren’t you in the physical realm; my fragile heart somehow recognized your scent. My focal bones coiled towards your shaky touch. Maybe this is what falling in love feels like.