i tore you apart in my head

social creature no longer.

it hopes to die by the lake in the winter time.

buried under snow,

until the spring eats it whole.

laying down on the road between mountains and wishing to be part of the mist above. i would rather watch from far away than figure it out on the ground. i look back and become a pillar of salt.

i wonder why god made me unable to keep my warmth about me, like i used to, when everything was new in the glass lenses we peered through. she feels gone, bound to a summer i can't remember.

i am forever wanting to see if the brick will ever give.

it gets cold in the winter and sometimes frigid in the hot summer. my bones respond and splinter with micro fractures. i let malformations litter my frame.

when pieces fall apart, it consumes me and i need to see it once more. i wish to. i have to. i collect the shards of rock in my pocket to pull out every time it rains. i don't have the heart to tell myself every time i inspect them, they look dull and don't match the newer fragments i collect. they seem different. i will never admit they are committing the crime of change, that i am no longer as exciting to fall apart for--proven by everything i've ever collected.

"do you want to know how many people i've been with?" i said yes, already knowing it would feel like a block of iron crashing into my sternum. "three. and they were all very serious relationships."

i turned away. three, and he had seen more than that. the imagery of my husband touching someone else lives in my memory. i realized how little experience i'd ever had--i've never looked at anyone besides him, i averted my gaze from everyone before this. i've never been touched by anyone like him. and all of a sudden i'm small, while his hands touch me, but it's not really me, it's someone i can't see, but i want to. so i can become her. so i can become whoever you want me to. it's sick, but she is better than i'll ever be. you never left them, in your heart they never died. you remember them in my silhouette and live out the marriages you wish you'd had. i'll be the martyr and the symbol for the true love you hold for someone who does not bear my name. you own me, but i'll never, ever own you. i want to be special. but i never will be. i will be fifth in line, with three swimming on your finger tips and a fourth body never touched painted on the back of an eyelid.

he wishes when i try to be funny that someone elses smile follows. i'm not as funny as the first one, or the third. i'm not as smart or as pretty as two and four. i'm not as relaxed as three and two. i don't touch him like one did. i don't do anything as good as the others, but those people left, so what is he to do. i was so pathetic i became a settlement.

cut me out of my body and unwire me, scrub me clean, turn me off. make me someone else. rearrange my face to be everything that's needed. destroy my brain, make me new. cut away the rotting parts, replace them with whoever you loved most. make me a new creation, like God promised.

i look at him like he knit the very earth. he talks in the most velvet tones. you placed every star in my sky, and you hang in every syllable i speak. you're the beautiful mountains, you're the irreplacable comfort of a river, you're the place of which i hide within until i cave into the world. you are everything to me. i would do anything for you, i'd become for you, i'd drain myself of everything to give you good days. you are my sweetheart, you complete me.

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this winter shoulders the last.

cold and wandered far.

selfishly angered by my own cowardice

i should have taken my chance before i met the future martyrs of my cause

"how many problems is too many"

"why am i a bad person when i mostly do good person things"

"why was i better at being an object than i am at being a girlfriend"

"better communication"

"why do lights and sounds hurt me"

the past

where were my parents when i needed them?

why did my last "engagement", or whatever the fuck you want to call it, last so long? what was i doing? it was all so unlike me. i don't recognize the person who was okay with that, even if it was just months ago. why did he hurt me? he said he cared about me, so why did he hurt me? why do people i know still follow him even though they know what happened to me? don't those who love me ache for me?

where are my friends i used to have? come back.

the present

i don't want to be myself. i really hate my personality. i wish i was someone else, or i could be far, far removed from who i am. why can't i be myself? why can't people hear me?

school is hard. i heard next semester, it is going to get harder.

i don't like my job that much. i don't really care to do half the shit i do.

i don't like my internship. i find everyone around me to be horrible communicators and incompetent. i can't wait to leave. at least they will pay me for my time soon.

being in a relationship is hard sometimes. i feel like i am making it harder than it needs to be.

why does everyone else get to be with the one they love, but not me? i am shattered all the time over missing someone i care about so much.

my mother has found a new daughter.

my brother is getting married, everything is changing now.

i can't rest.

i always forget to breath.

i feel incredibly unattractive. my teeth, my weight, my skin. i can't fix it.

i don't want to eat but i keep eating. i relapsed yesterday with my eating disorder habits.

i think about hurting myself all of the time.

i think about not being here a lot, or sleeping. i don't want to permanently die, but i just want to break apart.

the future

i am not going to secure a job i want in order to be able to move.

i am dating my future husband, and i don't want him to think he is making a mistake. is this really going to be something i can have?

how am i going to move? live by myself?

how does anything work?

licensure testing? licensure itself?

i have been too hopeful.

i think about everything i could maybe have all too much, while nobody around me does. i am alone in my dreams, and i feel foolish for it.

why do i have to die? the one i love, i will have to live without one day. that really fucking scares me. i worry im too late to finding him, there will never be enough time. and i'm fucking scared.

what happens when we die? where am i going to go? my mom thinks i am going to hell. she won't say that, but i know she does. what do i do? what do i believe?

what a disservice to such a kind soul,