tired
social creature no longer.
it hopes to die by the lake in the winter time.
buried under snow,
until the spring eats it whole.
forgotten as the seasons change.
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@fillyourwounds
tired
social creature no longer.
it hopes to die by the lake in the winter time.
buried under snow,
until the spring eats it whole.
forgotten as the seasons change.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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whenever something bad or scary happens, i just picture myself running away, as fast as i can, far into some woods. it's dark and green and full of cool fog. i run and run until my chest burns, i'm always looking back as i'm running but i never see what. i just keep going forever.
winter will come again and the rift it widens will swallow me whole. i earned that for the spring and for the summer.
i don't even know how to prepare, i just know i deserve it.
mountain ranger
laying down on the road between mountains and wishing to be part of the mist above. i would rather watch from far away than figure it out on the ground. i look back and become a pillar of salt.
i wonder why god made me unable to keep my warmth about me, like i used to, when everything was new in the glass lenses we peered through. she feels gone, bound to a summer i can't remember.
a pure beating heart, a work of kintsugi, held hostage by a lone thief in the night. i couldn't help but wish i knew, kleptic, adding finger prints to something i shouldn't have. i am guilty for the rust i've caused to a heart so shimmering.
i throw myself at the wall, again and again.
i am forever wanting to see if the brick will ever give.
it gets cold in the winter and sometimes frigid in the hot summer. my bones respond and splinter with micro fractures. i let malformations litter my frame.
when pieces fall apart, it consumes me and i need to see it once more. i wish to. i have to. i collect the shards of rock in my pocket to pull out every time it rains. i don't have the heart to tell myself every time i inspect them, they look dull and don't match the newer fragments i collect. they seem different. i will never admit they are committing the crime of change, that i am no longer as exciting to fall apart for--proven by everything i've ever collected.
over and over again.

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admitting admitting admitting
"do you want to know how many people i've been with?" i said yes, already knowing it would feel like a block of iron crashing into my sternum. "three. and they were all very serious relationships."
i turned away. three, and he had seen more than that. the imagery of my husband touching someone else lives in my memory. i realized how little experience i'd ever had--i've never looked at anyone besides him, i averted my gaze from everyone before this. i've never been touched by anyone like him. and all of a sudden i'm small, while his hands touch me, but it's not really me, it's someone i can't see, but i want to. so i can become her. so i can become whoever you want me to. it's sick, but she is better than i'll ever be. you never left them, in your heart they never died. you remember them in my silhouette and live out the marriages you wish you'd had. i'll be the martyr and the symbol for the true love you hold for someone who does not bear my name. you own me, but i'll never, ever own you. i want to be special. but i never will be. i will be fifth in line, with three swimming on your finger tips and a fourth body never touched painted on the back of an eyelid.
he wishes when i try to be funny that someone elses smile follows. i'm not as funny as the first one, or the third. i'm not as smart or as pretty as two and four. i'm not as relaxed as three and two. i don't touch him like one did. i don't do anything as good as the others, but those people left, so what is he to do. i was so pathetic i became a settlement.
cut me out of my body and unwire me, scrub me clean, turn me off. make me someone else. rearrange my face to be everything that's needed. destroy my brain, make me new. cut away the rotting parts, replace them with whoever you loved most. make me a new creation, like God promised.
i look at him like he knit the very earth. he talks in the most velvet tones. you placed every star in my sky, and you hang in every syllable i speak. you're the beautiful mountains, you're the irreplacable comfort of a river, you're the place of which i hide within until i cave into the world. you are everything to me. i would do anything for you, i'd become for you, i'd drain myself of everything to give you good days. you are my sweetheart, you complete me.
there is no way you find the same beauty in me. if you do, i wish you told me. it just can't be possible to feel so much for someone so dead.
you're making it hard to love you
google search
how to be a better and less emotional girlfriend
how to be exactly what your boyfriend wants you to be
why am i a bad girlfriend
dating girl with mental illness reddit
can mentally ill people have good relationships
how to be emotionless
how to be a perfect girlfriend
my girlfriend is draining me emotionally reddit
google search
how to be a better girlfriend
why is everyone lying to me
jaw twitch causes
social work jobs in ky
how to stop being vulnerable
he whispered "we're going to get married. you'll get to have this, just us, every day. every day. every night."
i've never been more sure of anyone or anything in my life. my soul is changed at it's core.

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i want to see what i did on my skin so bad that it makes my stomach hurt
i want to touch my insufficience
winter repeats
this winter shoulders the last.
cold and wandered far.
scraping up the snow in my hands, looking for any flicker in the visage.
hidden regret
selfishly angered by my own cowardice
i should have taken my chance before i met the future martyrs of my cause
and i grieve the purer future
google search
"how many problems is too many"
"why am i a bad person when i mostly do good person things"
"why was i better at being an object than i am at being a girlfriend"
"better communication"
"why do lights and sounds hurt me"
"what did i do wrong"
it's so loud. why can't just one thing rule them all?
the past
where were my parents when i needed them?
why did my last "engagement", or whatever the fuck you want to call it, last so long? what was i doing? it was all so unlike me. i don't recognize the person who was okay with that, even if it was just months ago. why did he hurt me? he said he cared about me, so why did he hurt me? why do people i know still follow him even though they know what happened to me? don't those who love me ache for me?
where are my friends i used to have? come back.
the present
i don't want to be myself. i really hate my personality. i wish i was someone else, or i could be far, far removed from who i am. why can't i be myself? why can't people hear me?
school is hard. i heard next semester, it is going to get harder.
i don't like my job that much. i don't really care to do half the shit i do.
i don't like my internship. i find everyone around me to be horrible communicators and incompetent. i can't wait to leave. at least they will pay me for my time soon.
being in a relationship is hard sometimes. i feel like i am making it harder than it needs to be.
why does everyone else get to be with the one they love, but not me? i am shattered all the time over missing someone i care about so much.
my mother has found a new daughter.
my brother is getting married, everything is changing now.
i can't rest.
i always forget to breath.
i feel incredibly unattractive. my teeth, my weight, my skin. i can't fix it.
i don't want to eat but i keep eating. i relapsed yesterday with my eating disorder habits.
i think about hurting myself all of the time.
i think about not being here a lot, or sleeping. i don't want to permanently die, but i just want to break apart.
the future
i am not going to secure a job i want in order to be able to move.
i am dating my future husband, and i don't want him to think he is making a mistake. is this really going to be something i can have?
how am i going to move? live by myself?
how does anything work?
licensure testing? licensure itself?
i have been too hopeful.
i think about everything i could maybe have all too much, while nobody around me does. i am alone in my dreams, and i feel foolish for it.
why do i have to die? the one i love, i will have to live without one day. that really fucking scares me. i worry im too late to finding him, there will never be enough time. and i'm fucking scared.
what happens when we die? where am i going to go? my mom thinks i am going to hell. she won't say that, but i know she does. what do i do? what do i believe?
help me. i feel like im fucking drowning.

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the ill will of god
what a disservice to such a kind soul,
to be paired with a stained one such as i.
old habits die hard
a hypocrite. a fleeting mire.