Just a girl

I don’t want to be,

I want to know your everyday,

your every thought,

I want to feel your touch,

I want to hear your heart beat as I lay on your chest,

and yet here we are,

My heart in my throat,

My nails tapping my leg.

What version of you will I get today?

You say nothing,

You smile and chat to everyone else,

Not me though,

You stay silent,

Why did you even show?

You say you love the outgoing, bubbly version of me,

But with each day you dull her a little more,

It's not the same

The kindness I once saw

The man that could never hurt me

All gone.

I look at you now

Nothing

No spark, no light, just emptiness

Everything has turned to black

What once was colour,

taken over by shades of grey

I beg for the colour to return but I fear it’s too late

3 words, a lot of promise, yet the end of it all,

How many times can you really say that before it means nothing,

How many time can I crack before I just break

I've stopped being angry

I've stopped being sad

I've just stopped.

It's still my fault though,

You do something wrong,

and yet I'm apologising,

After trying and trying,

I stay silent,

I don't think you'll ever understand.

It's been a year now

The same conversations take place,

I changed,

I tried to be better for you,

Less needy, less social, less

But you couldn't be better for me,

You can go days no contact,

You can make comments about my body to your friends,

You can make me feel worthless,

But no change

Not from you,

But what can I expect,

You never really wanted me anyway

So why not be happy for now.

Tomorrow isn't promised,

So why do I need you to promise it,

Why shouldn't I be content with for now,

If we haven't put a date on when this ends,

Then it could be forever,

I'd rather be happy for now with you,

We haven't spoke in a while,

We both watch from afar,

but today you came up to me just to give me a hug before you left,

that's not happened in months,

You told me I looked good,

You asked me about life ,

I felt the spark that I always do with you,

The excitement,

The childlike joy,

completely pure,

completely harmless,

but you're not mine,

You never have been,

You never will be,

I think I need to be alone for a while,

I’ve lost myself again,

Lost myself in another man,

A man that cannot love me,

A man that wants me for now but not forever,

A man I made myself smaller for,

Listened to every complaint,

I wore too little so I covered up,

I was too friendly so I spoke to less people,

My hair was too blonde so I dyed it,

The thing is making myself better for you, has taken away me.

You say I’m still the sun,

You say I still sparkle,

But before I glowed all the time,

Now only you see it,

Before I felt I had the power to light up a room,

And now I’m scared to,

I don’t wanna take up space.

I’ve fallen back,

Back into bad routines,

I had got better before you,

You seemed so different,

I thought you saw me,

I think you liked my naivety.

Thing is with age comes power,

You knew I was younger,

Maybe you forgot,

The weight your words held,

How one little comment could make me feel so small,

I felt I had to prove my worth,

Continuously doing so,

But my worth will never be seen by you,

I will always be nothing,