There is no home left for me to go to.Â
He supposed he knew that, too. Heâd once erased her entire past for her. Changed it. Made it better for her in her dying, and vulnerable state. Was she that girl now? That same 17 year old girl that heâd told hadnât deserved what sheâd been handed to her? The same 17 year old girl that had her newborn ripped from her arms? The girl whoâs laugh alone, made him laugh, purely for the ridiculousness of it.Â
The girl that had loved him once?Â
Or was she the girl that took advantage of that? The one that took his trusting nature and twisted it? Was she the girl who had taken Elenaâs body in the will to have him for her own again? The woman that had spent 500 years running, living for nothing but her own SURVIVAL. Impatient, and impulsive and selfish. Was she that girl?
Even THAT Katherine â Katerina â had her moments. Sheâd also saved him. Saved Elena, Caroline, Damon.Â
Maybe that girl deserved a chance.
As for the other things she said.. The whitelighter could understand that. He knew something about wanting to start over. Not just all the memories he had of him trying to do that same thing, but more recently, too. Hadnât he decided to take up this chance to become a whitelighter for that reason? To start over and return to his loved ones and be the man he wanted to be.Â
It was hard to remember. Maybe because he could remember so much. Maybe because he could no longer tell, always, what was real and what was something heâd hallucinated to distract himself from the pain of what he was becoming.Â
Seeing the girl stumble, as if on instinct, Stefan reached out, ready to catch or steady her. It turned out to be unnecessary though, as she quickly recovered herself by placing a hand on the table before any harm could come to herself. He was almost glad he hadnât had to touch her; not for disgust or hatred, but for the fear of this being another one of his hallucinations.Â
He looked at Katherine. Perhaps this was one of those times. Katherine.. actually showing him there was something in her worth trusting. Like sheâd told him all those years ago. His brows creased in thought as he looked at her and he sighed softly, raising his hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. His head hurt.Â
Everything hurt. âI donât even know if this is real,â he muttered, more to himself than anything, a false smile laying bare on his face. âI donât know if this isnât just.. I donât..â He shook his head. âI wonât hurt you, Katherine.â he shrugs. He COULDNâT, technically. Not the way he was now. But she didnât have to know that. For all Katherine knew, he was still capable of being the Ripper sheâd once known. He might still tear her to pieces, and he might still take her out, as heâd proved on more than one occasion that he could. âSo donât give me a reason to.â he said. âand we wonât have a problem.â
It wasnât even just his state at being a whitelighter; Stefan was unsure if he could keep any sort of threatening guise up against anyone right now.Â
Katerina Petrova. Katherine Pierce. Angel or Demon. Stefanâs view on her had a tendency to be polarized, as if at any given moment she could only be one thing. Reality was a lot more complex. Some of her most selfish impulses were driven by a deep-seated hatred of her loneliness, and guided by the hope of love. As jaded as she had become over the years, there was no denying that even after all this time, after all the terrible things that sheâd done... the girl who wanted nothing more than to love and be loved - lest life be too cruel to keep wanting - still existed. Her soul was still there. Wounded, savaged, misshapen. Almost unrecognisable, to the point at times she started to believe her own lies.Â
She nearly flinched as he suddenly reached for her, but she couldnât tell if relief was all that she felt as he stopped himself before touching her when she steadied on the table. She gave him a sidelong glance as if waiting for his next move, waiting for him to say something. Almost (but not quite) as if she were waiting for instructions. It was strange, being in a position where the old version of her - the twisted, ugly soul forged in hellfire burning any goodness that was left out of it, leaving nothing but virulent hatred, anger and pain. The cure-free human version of herself who would stop at nothing to beat her race against her aging clock. The 500 year old vampire with a countless amount of âcollateral damageâ in her quest to outrun an unkillable psychopath. Those versions... wouldnât be waiting to react. Those versions would be moving the chess pieces across the board right now, setting misdirections, luring her target into a trap calculating the 50 next steps well ahead of the current ones.
But she was trying to bury those versions of herself for good. Not erase them. No, she couldnât pretend she hadnât done all those things. And even now, she still felt unapologetic as to many of them. She did what she had to. But that did not mean she couldnât acknowledge the hurt she had inflicted not least of which the man she had loved for over a century and a half.
Letting go of the table, the Petrova doppelgĂ€nger straightened out and looked back at him, observing wordlessly at his visible internal struggle. She rolled her eyes at what she perceived to be a thinly veiled threat. âI wonât. Not that I even could. I mean with what would I threaten you, the napkin holder? The volatile magic I have a very rudimentary grasp on?âÂ
She stopped herself from spiralling further into sarcasm or an acerbic tone. âSo? Want to share the reasons you were chewing me out, or?â