Sweetly Feminine

Equal is a funny word. When I talk to people about kink and D/s, I frequently hear the sentiment that “Oh, I want to take charge in the bedroom, but outside I want it to be equal.” I do understand exactly what they mean, but I can’t help but feel like they’ve missed an important tenet in the entire world of power exchange relationships.

And here’s the thing: I too want to be equal to my partner outside the bedroom. Because I am equal to them. They are no better than I for being dominant, and I am no less for being submissive. In fact, I want to be equal to them within the bedroom as well. Because, and you may notice a pattern emerging here, I am equal to them.

But we would have different roles. They lead, I follow. Not blindly, but with an informed decision that I make over and over again. I have goals and wants and dreams, my partner would be aware of them, and they would work to help me reach my goals. So on the one hand, I have control because I’ve built an image of what I want my life to look like, but they have control in that they dictate how I get there.

After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our partner gets his or her act together when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice holiday, when we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges.

It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

A quote comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said,

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.

So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until winter, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink.... there is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Work like you don't need money,

Love like you've never been hurt,

And dance like no one's watching.

Copyright © 1997 Crystal Boyd

Also, when we move too much during an argument, or lean forward, it’s scary, and I never knew. I was even a little insulted at first, because surely she didn’t think I would hurt her. But see, that doesn’t matter. It wasn’t a sign that she mistrusted me specifically; it’s a conditioned response. (Although if you keep doing it once you realize it scares her, she SHOULDN’T trust you.)

Not every woman has been physically harmed by a man she trusted, but every woman KNOWS a woman who has.

I used to be horrible about this, because I didn’t realize how intimidating it was. I didn’t understand why the woman I was with clammed up or tried to tell me what she thought I wanted to hear, and I only got angrier, and acted even more like an asshole. It was wrong. It was abusive. It didn’t matter if I INTENDED it that way; it was still emotionally abusive. And it was inexcusable.

I get that when passions are high, and when you’re frustrated, it’s a natural tendency to let your voice get louder, to shout and gesture and lean forward. But you can train yourself to do better. You can train yourself to keep more of an even tone, to refrain from large and fast gestures, to not lean into her personal space. I did. I’m not perfect at it yet, but goddamn it, I WILL be.

History is littered with the bodies of women who believed a man “would never.” This includes women killed by men who honestly, deeply, truly believed they “would never”… right up until she said that one thing or moved in just that way and he just got so mad, just that once, and pushed her or punched her or slashed her or shot her… just once, y’know, to shut her up, or because she was flinching and didn’t she know that HE’S NOT LIKE THAT and I’LL TEACH HER TO BE AFRAID OF ME…

We are trained, from infancy, that Men With Loud Voices are a source of pain from which we cannot escape, and attempts to escape may result in more pain. And as soon as we’re old enough to comprehend a world broader than our immediate circle, a world that extends into the past and will run into the future, we realize that there is no way, no way at all, to tell which men “would never” and which men “would never… except if.”

We live or die on that “if.” And any man who doesn’t like facing that hyper-vigilance can work on fixing OTHER MEN, not women’s fear.

The reaction shouldn’t be “not all men are like that;” it should be “no woman should have to live in fear.”

I really 100% thought I was just anxious and fragile and it was all in my own head. Come to find our all y’all are having this same experience. Jesus.

I have some more work to do to be a better man. I will start now.

The girl obsessed with picnics, flowy dresses and all things nature. Cottage core x poc.

Yes, I identify with the 'tradwife' label

Yes, I feel happiest when I am caring for my home and my partner

No, I am not a part of any right leaning political party

No, I do not believe all woman would be happiest doing what I do