femregulus

Pinterest boards for my favs

James helping him stay sober, and showing him what feeling good looks like without being under the influence.

Going out to get groceries together.

moonysquill on ao3

You eventually came back, after I begged and pleaded multiple times. This love seems to have grown to an overwhelming infatuation. I wonder what led me to be so obsessed with you, perhaps it was because you were my first ever love. I talk to you now and wonder if we can ever replicate what we once had, or if you’re just using me like you have in the past. My heart aches as I think of your kind words, imagining a situation in which they were possibly true. Is it all a lie? Maybe it’s all a trick, just to have me wrapped around your finger once again. Although I realize that I allow it to happen any way, my feelings of love are too strong to overcome the logical explanation my mind provides for me. The music plays softly in the background, all the songs I came to associate with you. As I listen my heart beats louder, thinking of all the things we have done together. My body feels ruined, destroyed as I recall instances where I did things simply to please you. I can’t tell if what you feel is true attachment or just pity, like I am just another play thing you have to express your false sympathies to. This diary has grown to be my comfort in the darkness of your love, if you can even call it that. I pray to whatever gods might be out there that this is the last time you leave, that we truly make it work this time yet I know deep down that is nothing but false hope. The anguish I feel when imagining a world without you consumes me whole, leaving nothing but my rotting body desolate in a void of emptiness. Alone again as I write this, your fingers left a steady imprint on my body, forever reminding me of your repulsive desires. I wish I could too feel the same greed you felt towards my body, if only to understand why you treat me so terribly. Despite the terror I feel when we commit such lustful acts I still long for your hands to touch me, it’s sickening how hypocritical I am. I feel disgusted with myself, yet there is no better feeling than you wanting me for who I am. I wander thoughtlessly in my consciousness, looking for a meaning to my sickening needs and pleasures yet I find no answer. I think I was born this way, forever a hypocrite stuck in the confines of flesh and bone.  How do you feel, when my hands trail down your spine I ponder. Do you too feel the ache deep within your psyche? Or do you instead feel the disgust that penetrates my very soul? I could only hope not, instead I wish for you to feel nothing but pleasure as you use me to fulfill your needs. I press my head against the wall wondering when it will all be said and done. Asking the universe when I will finally gain the happiness I yearn for, the happiness that is always just out of reach. 

As I stare into your eyes I imagine all the different instances in which I admired you for who I thought  you were. It’s  difficult now, with all the resentment built up between us; clouding our ideals and morals and turning us into a mess of despair and hatred. Your eyes no longer radiate the warmth of a thousand stars, but rather the vast coldness of the universe– never ending and forever empty. We find ourselves devoid of past emotions, love and trust forgotten for anger and deceit. I wonder how we could have been, if perhaps we met in an alternate reality where we weren’t so opposite of one another. Our lives that were filled with pain, turning us into who we are today. Maybe if we were born into different families, provided with the support and kindness we required to thrive it could have been better. I sit in my bed pondering, thinking of what thoughts could possibly be racing through your mind as we steadily hold eye contact. My eyes fill with tears, the overwhelming sense of melancholy growing as I recall our past memories and misfortunes. As wetness trails down my cheeks I think to myself– could you be feeling the same? Asking where it all went wrong with us? Unfortunately we both knew it was wrong from the moment we crossed paths, we were always destined for failure. I was warned about you consistently, I was told that it was all a lie. That your feelings came from a sense of pity and not sincerity. I should have listened, yet I never do. Maybe then I could have spared us both the heartache. It’s funny almost, how my heart still yearns for you despite our countless fights. Deep down I think we can still make it work, however you think the opposite. Your feelings for me have long since faded, while it feels as if mine grow stronger every second we are apart. Yet sitting here, mere inches away from you I can feel nothing but disgust. It burns within me, consuming my every nerve until it gets too much to bear. Somewhere in the depths of my psyche I know we are horrible for one another. And yet, I long for the familiarity of you that I have gained with no one else.  I think a part of me will forever crave that feeling, yet I know I will never come close again. I believe I still love you, and if you were to ever seek me out again I would welcome you with open arms like I always do, readily accepting the pain that comes with it. 

Felt in a writing mood :) moonysquill on ao3

I haven't touched this in months, how unfortunate.

Mind, body, and soul.