nsfw.

Shut the fuck up. I just feel sorry for the poor souls that actually eat your shit up. Then again, that’s their own faults. Don’t exist? Alright, pal. If you say so. I love being called cupcake, thanks. It’s also good to know that I’d be taking the lead. Anyway. Your happiness is always on my mind. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and when I fall asleep. Just remember that next time you decide to take a jab at me or act fuckin’ senseless. You don’t get this kind of loyalty anywhere. Love will keep us alive and all of that good stuff. Eh, I don’t know. Mostly ‘cause I never sat down to watch Grease in it’s entirety. I’ve always seen parts and then next thing I know I’m drunk on the couch or trying to figure out how to fix my bloody toaster. Maybe someday I’ll get to the romance and surprises. The other grease can go. I know, I’m beautiful. You know you wanna hear all I have to say. Just sit there, look pretty, and soak it up. Never ever. Maybe? I don’t like the uncertainty here. I need you all in or nothing. No promises, but you can trust me.

Baby. Please don't worry about yourself. I promise that eating my shit up is a very nutritious breakfast. Very popular in Poland, actually. They love me there, you'd be surprised at the level of fame I have for my line of charming food, cupcake. Of course you'll be taking the lead. Y'know how I like it when you're in control. Just wonderin', do you think about taking the lead first thing in the morning and before you fall asleep, too? Because I'd be interested in that story. Honestly, you say you care about my happiness and then you shoot me down with this Grease shit. I'm never gonna win with you, am I? You build me up and you knock me right back down again. Next time instead of thinking about how to fix your fuckin' toaster, just go to Tesco and pick one up for a tenner. Come home, watch Grease, call me and tell me that I'm the Sandy to your Danny. The uncertainty might leave when you stop expecting me to just sit and look pretty. I have way more skills than just sitting. I can also look pretty while standing, laying down, or while I'm on my knees. Just some tips for you for the next time you want to spice things up. Trusting you is boring and I'm not 'bout that life. I like the danger, the thrill, the rawness of all untrustworthy relationship. It's real. That's all I want it to be. Just real. 

Take a nap? Really, Felix? I feel perfectly capable of doing some pretty intense parkour around the city right now, and you’re suggesting that I take a nap? I was actually about to go attempt doing a back flip off of a car, but you also very specifically instructed me not to die, so I won’t even risk it. You’re welcome.

Okay then just ignore my professional medical advice. My other medical advice is to listen to Beyonce and take some downers. Stop taking stimulants, you knob. They fuck up your heart and spine. I worry about you, bug.

Ew, oh my god. That's like the actual worst idea ever. I can't believe you're mixing stimulants. I can't believe you're taking drugs. Nah but f'real, you need to mix that with a good indica strain and then chill the fuck out for a bit. Take a shower, take a nap. Fuckin' sorted. Don't die, Hads. 

Sometimes I wonder how the hell you come up with this shit? There must be a lot goin’ on up there or down there, who knows? Are you hiding repressed sexual desires for me deep down? Because, I understand. I fully understand and I want you to know it’s okay. Even if your dumbass is being overly dramatic and sarcastic, you’re absolutely welcome. It sounded like you needed this and I’m so glad I could deliver. Also, I don’t know if this changes anything or not, but you are truly worth more than one thousand pretentious fucks wielding guitars — no matter how poetic their music may be. Well, shit, who knew you were hiding a romantic under all of that grease. Fuck the lube. I know deep down you are eternally grateful for me. I’m blown away and slightly rendered speechless. We could always bounce back from this. I know we can. I’ve still got that therapist’s number. And we would. I’d always choose you.

It's nice to know that you're wondering about me. Sometimes.It's not up or down, dude. It's in the middle. Where my heart is. That's where all the shit goes down. Actually...Yeah, we need to discuss my repressed sexual desires for you. They don't exist but I feel like you should know that if they did, I wouldn't be hiding them, cupcake. I'd be on that dick like superglue. I don't know if it changes anything but I know that it makes me happy and that's what really matters, isn't it? That we're happy. Even if we're not writing poetic music or playing sold-out shows -- we've got each other and our love, and that's enough to pay the bills. Grease? You should never underestimate grease. Not only is it stylish, but it's also a great musical. Lots of romance, lots of surprises. One of my many favourite things about you is that when you're rendered speechless, you still never shut your trap. It's beautiful, babe. Never change. Don't let the world dull that sparkle, okay? Well, I guess we can work on some things together...maybe. I'd always choose you, too. Every day and forever but, I need you in the same way Aretha needs respect, y'know? That's all I'm askin' for.

Look, I — this is awkward, but I can honestly never tell if I’ve offended you or not. Are you really upset about this? I just don’t see what the fuss is all about. Well, your fuss. It’s not some… widespread fuss, about my legs. Mostly just you. And I think it’d be inappropriate to think of you during sex, but I suppose I can if you really want me to.

I don't know. Were the French offended by the sheer wealth of the monarchy while their people were starving? Offended is a big word. Upset is even bigger. It's hard to gauge these things, really. One man's upset is another man's joy. Funny creatures we are, us human beings. Who are we? Where are we going? Do we have a purpose? Think you're the one who's fussin' a bit too much, my little dingaling. It's just that your legs are maybe worth fussing about. They're my Rushmore, my Great Wall of China, my Ninth Wonder of the World. But to answer your question, I'm not really upset about this, no. Just buzzing off you a bit. Totally serious about you thinking about me during sex, though. I think it'd be worthwhile, probably would be good for your health. Apparently I'm great in bed.

Shove a sock in it, yeah? Have you ever considered that you might be the problem? You take things way too personally. I’m trying to be a good friend and provide you with this constructive criticism that you should be thanking me for, but instead you’re taking the piss. Besides, what if I’ve grown tired of those weird maid outfits? I can flip the script on ya in a second — fine ass or not. But anyway, let’s not bring Alex into this. You don’t know about our deep bond formed through his music. And the vinyls. Lots and lots of vinyls. Nah, I ain’t falling for it. You can’t speak a few sweet words among this absurdity and expect me to fall for it. My heart’s broken and your love’s shit. Do better. I thought we had something real and now you’re playing the victim card. Don’t expect me to take pity ‘cause I know you and I know how you work, tosser. Even chips and curry sauce become boring after a few lunches. No reason. Can’t I just wanna help you out? I’m a generous person, so again where’s my thanks? And no worries — if you ever need some help, I’m down to provide guidance per usual.

In what? Your arse? Sure. When you were talking about spicing things up, socks didn't really come to mind but no judgement, mate. No, No. Elias, listen. Your constructive criticism has changed my entire life. I woke up this morning and fuck, I just saw things differently. You were right. You've been right all along. Just -- wow. Thanks, thanks so much. For everything. I just want you to know that even if you're dumping my fine ass for some rich prick with a record collection that you were always my favourite, right? You are my favourite place on Earth. Please don't forget that or me, or my maid outfits. Is my love still shit? I mean, if it, that's fine. I'll understand just know that I'm always trying for you. You make my heart beat like Dr. Dre does headphones. Anyway, to be honest, your thanks is placed firmly up my arse. Might need to purchase some lube to find it but I'm sure your generous ego will appreciate the search. As per usual, I don't need your guidance. I follow my heart and my dick, Elias. We make a real good team. I'm willing to bet that we'd beat your team any day.

Whoa, whoa — and again, whoa. You know what they say right? People livin’ in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. And that’s a lotta stones. I appreciate the love and all. In fact, I return it full-heartedly, but I’ve got a few points to make. You gotta spice it up here and there. The same ol’ tricks won’t work continuously — bedroom-wise, chips flavours, etc. It gets tedious, and well, the truth hurts. The first step to recovery is admittance, so don’t take this personally lad. I’m just looking out for ya and us. We’re a dream team, so we gotta keep things moving forward at all times. I know you can do this. You can make a change. By the way, you’re  fuckin’ welcome. Now, I’m gonna need you to take it down a few pegs. Alex Turner is a cool guy makin’ some sick tunes. There’s no reason to hate on him or my vinyls. Let me live. Thanks. Anyway, let’s go back to the invasion of privacy talk we were having earlier. My answer to all of those questions is going to be a simple, ‘no.’ Jesus Christ, Ains. I just spent a few good minutes of my life (that I’ll never ever get back) telling you to break out of your box and we’re back to traditional methods. Why not change things?

Do they say that? Do they say it often, Elias? I don't know if I've ever heard them say that before. I'm not gonna take it personally that you're insulting my bedroom skills, it's fine. Just, y'know, next time you ask me to dress up in one of those weird maid outfits while I spank you...I don't know if I'll be so willing. Think of this before you start throwing anymore points my way, because I think we both know that my ass looks unreal in those little skirts. See if Alex fuckin' Turner does that for you, bet he wouldn't. Bet he wouldn't even let you touch his vinyls. But me? You can touch my vinyls anytime. And that -- that's love right there. Live with what you've done to us. You've just gone and destroyed the dream team. Listen to me, mate. There's nothin' wrong with being traditional. You can have traditional and spice together, like fish and chips with curry sauce. There's your fuckin' spice. Why are you so pressed about my methods anyway? I mean, apart from the fact that I'm not using them on you. Enlighten me.

What castle? Is it a castle full of sculptures of me? I don’t think I’ve made much of a mistake — although everything you’re saying makes me think I’ve offended, somehow. By not wanting to pose for leg sculptures. It’s alright, anyway — I probably couldn’t sit still for as long as you’d need to perfect them. And it seems strangely important to you that they’re perfect. I didn’t mean I’d be thinking of you during, Felix, but of course that’s where your mind goes.

The fuckin' castle. Y'know what, Si? Just forget it all, alright? Save your precious legs for someone else. Or don't. See if I care. I do care but, you can watch me pretending to not care, which I'll have you know, I can do quite well. My mind went there because isn't that what you'd be doing? I don't really know why you wouldn't be thinking of me during sex.

No, I plan on giving you all of my savings, Fe. Just didn’t want you to know until I was actually six feet under. Two hundred quid, is all, but think of the things you can buy with that. It’s like… forty trips to McDonalds. 

Well, that's an incredibly slight improvement but, I'll take what I can get. Do you honestly think that I'd spend your life savings on dodgy burgers off the pound saver menu? Two hundred quid could get me some high quality class A drugs. Have a little respect, man. I know how to spend.

Well, scissors can be mean, I guess the kids would get that. Give the scissors a persona and the little monkeys will be more likely to stay away from sharp pointy things, probably. I’d be a big hit with parents. Oh, wait, that’s not a good thing. Yeah, I’ll keep working on it. Okay, first thing, poor Jigglypuff, and second thing, I actually agree, it’s like, it’s not a proper idea. I mean it’s odd because I don’t much like PETA as a whole but I do like animals, obviously, and that bit did always bother me. You think? Good of you, you’re right, I like feeling the wind on my face. You’ve got a nice head too, but you’re not thinking of getting a fringe, obviously. I hope you realise that now I’m expecting it and if you don’t actually make me a lollipop house, I’ll feel like a muppet.

Not really, no. I think parents usually have this idea of keeping kids away from scissors. Waste of their creative potential if you ask me. You could be sitting on a goldmine there if only parents would let their kids be free. I like PETA, have you seen the cute stickers they give out? Brilliant. Little chickens and all. Not a big fan of their other shit but love the stickers. I've thought of getting a fringe before but I heard my forehead call out to me, telling me no. I'm glad we're both so anti-fringe now. We should go out into the streets and protest against them. Don't worry, you know I wouldn't make you feel like a muppet, ever. At least not purpoely. Which counts, yeah?

You bastard, you forgot the best leafy green out of them all. If you can’t think what it is, then maybe you and I aren’t as great friends as I thought. I mean, many things are proving that today, this would just be something else to add to the list. Thanks for the respect. It’s appreciated. Real talk though, you call me Chaz one more time and I swear to God, I will rip your eyeballs out of your little eye sockets and throw them into the bushes.

I know what you're hinting at and I'd just like to inform you that what you're trying to imply is illegal activity. Something which I'd have absolutely no dealings with because breaking the law is well, it's breaking the law. I'm no criminal, Charlotte. You must have me mistaken for someone else. I respect the world that we live in and the laws that come along with the privilege of living in it. You're lucky that I'm not joining the police yet or I'd have to arrest you. Is that some kind of BDSM thing? 

Big thoughts for a big man, am I right? You could never tarnish the image of perfection aka me, so the most important dreams will always stay intact. Oh, true. Gotta keep things exciting for me, babes. I know that’s tough considering your tendency towards dullness. We can get through this together with the proper counseling and shit. I know somewhere deep inside of you is the man I fell in love with. Gettin’ emotional. I think you’re violating my privacy here, Felix. What I do in the confines of my home should be kept under wraps, until I choose to disclose. Y’know what they say about assumptions. Sick. Could I get that tune on vinyl? Y’know to fit my alternate image of some pretentious tosser. Experiment or scheme…no difference here. If it was that nice you should have gotten some results or maybe it was a lack of flexibility. The world is a strange place and gay porn sites are probably the only places that hold the true answers. Hey, who knows? Don’t knock it ‘till ya try it.

You're not right but let's not let that hold us back. Dullness? Y'know, babe. Sometimes you talk so much shit. This is why we have these problems. I know, I know. Leave it for the counseling but, I can't keep this in anymore. All these lies you spit have got to stop. You really need to stop throwing around shit about me being dull. It's ruining my reputation and I can't live like this anymore. Is it dull that I've devoted my life to making you come? Is it dull that every day I wake up and I chose to love you unconditionally? C'mon, man. I buy you fucking bags of chips when you're drunk. What more do you want? I'm just a boy, just a simple boy with a heart that beats for you. Give me some credit, yeah? You're not gettin' shit on vinyl. Can't have you associating with me if you're gonna run around lookin' like some Arctic Monkeys fanboy. Call me when you've stopped eating Alex Turner's ass. Was the lack of flexibility, not the lack of good dick. Sadly I'm just not cut out for that Kama Sutra life, shit happens. Do you find a lot of answers while you're searching for gay porn? Just wonderin', 'cause I usually pick up most of my wisdom from late nights with Pornhub. How about you try it and let me know if that works for you. Until then, I'll be sticking to my traditional methods, they haven't failed me yet so why change things?

Have you got a fucking problem with spinach, Fe? I mean, if you do, we can put a stop to this whole thing. I like spinach and cheese as a combination, no hate. You’re about this close to losing your queue jump, so I’d watch what I was saying if I was you. 

Nah, Chaz. If there's one thing I love about this life, it's leafy greens. Love a good plant. Vegetables, trees, bushes...Love them all. I'm not hating on your food combinations, I respect that. I really do. See, I'm being real nice right now? Can't lose my place in the queue now, Can I/

That doesn’t sound all that healthy, you’re right, but I am partial to a good Spinach and Ricotta Cannelloni once in a while, so I get it. Your actions are deemed acceptable in said circumstance. Talking? Um, unless it’s really fucking filthy, silence is good.

You would like spinach. Fuckin' hell. Tesco's Finest frozen vegetable queen, you are. Pure class. Thanks for the acceptance. Really means a lot to me. Oh..'cause I was thinkin' maybe we could discuss the ongoing situation in Syria or maybe something light like a chat about our favourite Gogglebox families. If you wanna go for filth, though, I can do that. But take into consideration how great it'd be to moan daddy while I'm talking like I'm on Sky News.

Absolutely, if I tell it again. All kinds, huh? Pink ones, green ones, blue ones… mean ones? Jesus, that was bad. Don’t tell Dr. Seuss I failed him. Hang on, my real question is, how many Pokemon cards do you have? My hair absolutely has feelings. It feels pretty and I feel pretty, it’s an aura thing. Fuck it, I like my hair, I don’t need a fringe. Although if I need a trim, I’ll try you out, yeah? Oh my god, you should have started with that. A house of lollipops and I forget literally everything else.

Don't worry, your secret's safe with me. But hey, it wasn't that bad. Little bit of practice and you'll be beating Suess. Never give up on your dreams, little bird. Okay, well. Honestly? I don't know if you're ready for that kind of information. It's not something I'm proud of, so like brace yourself for this, yeah? But I have exactly one Pokemon card. It's Jigglypuff, only 'cause Jigglypuff's a bit of a babe. Not really into the whole Pokemon thing 'cause I think it's a tiny bit unfair to keep weird animals locked up in balls. And then to make them battle? I dunno, seems cruel. There's no way PETA is down with that shit. You don't need a fringe, it'd cover your forehead. You've got a nice forehead. Let it be free. Let it lives its life. Well, clearly, I've made some mistakes but to make up for it, I'll build you a personalised lollipop house.