Felix Tate Turner

dylan-meir​:

Yes. Yes, exactly. I know they wouldn’t have killed him on purpose, but he still died and no one can say why. And I can’t help but feel like it’s not because no one knows, but because they do know. [Dylan buries her face in her hands, tangling her fingers into her hair. It seems like the only thing keeping her here, anchored. Otherwise she feels unrmoored, untethered from everything else. Even herself. She doesn’t know what’s happening, or maybe she does but she doesn’t want to believe it, and she has no idea which one scares her more.]

I’m sorry. I know I’m not making sense. It just keeps rattling around in my head, you know? I can’t help wondering if it’s going to happen again. It seems like it already is. This is how it started last time, too. No one knew what was happening, no one was saying anything. It just kept getting worse. And there were these rumors that the Elites were covering it up. And now, again. Can’t help like feel it’s a pattern.

☀

[Felix frowns, blinks. He looks away from her a moment, and stares into space. Happening again? Like, what—does she think everyone is going to get sick? Or that everyone is going to... die? 

Well, he wouldn’t die, because he’s not Infected but.... she is. Oh. Oh.

He shakes his head and looks up to see her grabbing fistfuls of her hair. She’s distressed, and he’s really not great at comforting people who are upset, but he does feel for her. God, how trapped must she feel, being in a body that’s infected. ]

Oh, honey... no, it’s okay I... I get it, I think. You’re making sense. But also like... I don’t think you should be panicking. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. 

[He reaches out to rest a hand on her shoulder, feeling slightly awkward about it but telling himself that he doesn’t. He doesn’t need to convince himself what he’s saying is true, though, because he believes it already. The Elite and the NWRF wouldn’t let anything bad happen to someone like Dylan. She’s one of them after all, and even if the Infection had something to do with Kaiser’s death... Dylan’s nothing like him. He doesn’t understand all the science-y stuff behind it all, but he refuses to believe the same thing could happen to her that happened to him. He was just... Bad. And Bad things happen to Bad people.] 

isha-feinberg​:

[’Hello?’? Does this person think Isha is his conscience speaking? She can’t place the speaker from a single word, but she can place their critical thinking skills. How many conclusions could possibly be drawn from a voice coming from inside a cupboard?

The nice thing about being behind a door is that this disbelief can register on her face without worrying about causing offence. There’s catharsis in that, and it makes it a little easier to then gather herself and not be rude.]

[The tip of her tongue touches her lower lip and the synthetic, drying taste of lipstick, and she shakes her head.] Hello. The door has become stuck, would you please try to open it from your side?

[If it’s a mechanical error then it won’t make a difference, but it’s worth trying, and until then Isha just tries to keep her breathing steady. She’s feeling somewhere between snappish and panicked and she doesn’t really want to be alone till the door opens. And she will say, in favour of this person’s slow thinking, that they feel totally unthreatening.]

[Obviously as she says it, it makes a lot more sense than whatever his response had been, and if he were someone else, he might feel briefly embarrassed that he hadn’t caught on sooner. But he’s Felix Turner, and so he doesn’t particularly feel embarrassed, because it doesn’t occur to him that any of this could remotely involve him. He’s just an innocent passer-by, to an apparently malfunctioning door he didn’t build, and an unfortunately trapped voice he doesn’t know. He didn’t program these locks or step into a closet without propping the door open. If this is anyone’s fault, he takes solace in the fact that it’s definitely not his.]

Oh! [Obvious, and yet, he’s relieved it’s a simple enough ask. Who is he to look down his nose at an opportunity to look like a helpful hero without so much as breaking a sweat? He steps forward and tries the handle with confidence. 

It doesn’t open. He blinks down at it, and at the door, momentarily confused. He tries again.]

Umm... yeah, it’s not working from this side either. [He tries scanning his PDD under the lock, but it flashes ‘no access’ at him. He doesn’t know what to make of that, because he doesn’t know if he’s supposed to have access to this particular closet, anyway. After all, he’s Uninfected, so what would he need with supplies? He doesn’t know what kind of supplies they are, but he figures they have something to do with the chores, which he thankfully doesn’t have to do.]

The scanner isn’t working for me either. Um—[should he go get someone? He’s about to ask, but instead, he asks:] Did someone lock you in on purpose? 

diederick-dmornay​:

[[ ‘I like you.’ Ricky simply looks at Felix. Watches as he keeps talking mentions Charlie (it makes his chest tighten, Charlie hasn’t even messaged him yet). As he talks, though, Ricky thinks that Fee is talking to himself. He has too, doesn’t he? Barely knows Ricky well enough to say anything of value. Says Ricky has a strong personality ,is confident. That is the first thing to pull a more genuine smile from Ricky. Where is this so called confidence?

It’s not with him whenever he’s alone with Charlie. When he was alone with Kaiser. ]] Oh, mon cher, you barely know me. I’m easy to like, at first.

[[ Fingers curling tight into his own are the first thing to truly give him pause. It’s a friendly, kind gesture. The younger man was right to tighten his grip: his impulse was to pull away.

Got to see him one last time.                                 Silver linings.                                                 Fate.

He’s right about one thing: silver linings aren’t helpful. Ricky scoffs, rips his hand away. ]] It’s not fucking fate. If it is, she is cruel! Be kinder if I fucking died with asteroids! Skipped out on this whole bullshit attempt at ‘living’! Went with ma mère!

Kaiser was a fucking bastard and he left me— [[ his voice cracks but he continues, red faced and teary eyed ]] — and now he’s fucking left me again!

[The anger startles Felix, and he gasps a tiny bit, barely audible, as Ricky rips his hand away. 

And maybe he’s right; maybe Felix doesn’t know Ricky, but that’s never really mattered, before. Nobody really knows Felix either, and they love him or hate him, regardless. He’s not made a habit of really knowing people because he doesn’t let anyone really know him. But he doesn’t need to know everything about a person to like them, or to love them, or to stand by their side when everything is falling apart for them. Felix doesn’t know what it’s like to well and truly know anyone, and maybe it matters less to him because he doesn’t know what he’s missing—but for the first time, his eyes start to water as Ricky’s voice gets thinner and raspier, and it’s not often Felix really empathizes with other people—but he feels for Ricky, now. 

He’s afraid to touch Ricky again, because he doesn’t want to make anything worse, or upset him further, but something about the Elite’s frenetic energy around Kaiser leaving him gives Felix something to bind himself to. He feels the slightest bit more grounded than he has the rest of this conversation—because that anger and resentment? That he’s familiar with. 

His expression flattens a little, maybe hardens a smidge, but it’s calm, otherwise.] Alright. So he was a bastard, and he left you. Your anger is valid, Ricky. You have every bloody right to be angry and to be hurt and trust me, darlin’, this universe isn’t fucking fair, I know that much. And it sucks sometimes, and I’m really, really sorry. Really I am. I’m sorry this happened to you and that it’s not fair. It isn’t.

And... and maybe you’re right, and I don’t know you well, and you’re a bastard too—but so what? If I’ve learned anything since coming here it’s that everybody is a bit of a dickhead, honestly, and like... fuck it. [He shrugs.] I’m apparently the worst, which is like, news to me, but whatever. And you didn’t die with your mother. You survived and you’re here and I bet she’s glad you did. I’m glad you did. I know... I know we hardly know each other, but I’m here, aren’t I? Do people really have to be best friends after the bloody apocalypse to like, connect and stand by each other? I don’t think so. I think the end of the world sort of changed... everything. And if you want to like, go scream or break things or throw rocks at some walls or trees, like. Let’s do it. Let’s get the fuck out of here and just go do it. Let’s go down to the docks or the beach or... anything.

And if you don’t want to do that, if you just want to like... sit here and be angry and sad for a while and maybe have a drink or two, that’s fine too. You’re allowed to feel whatever you’re feeling, Ricky, and I can’t like... change it or fix it, as much as I’d like to. I can’t do much at all, really, but what I can do is say that I like you, whether you want me to or not, and that I’m here for you.

[He pauses—almost a surprised pause, like he hadn’t fully registered that he was getting passionate until he was through it, and the silence when he’s finished echoes loudly. He takes a breath, feeling firm, but feeling sure.] Besides. I’m sort of unpopular here and being with the NWRF like... if it makes you feel better, maybe I need you. So you’re my friend and if you don’t like it, tough luck, I reckon.

rosastein​:

tuesday. april 11th,  2163. outside delma house.

[ Rosalind Stein is not unintelligent (no matter what her long-buried chemistry exams might say), though she’s starting to question the legitimacy of such a claim. A woman had directed her up the stairs and to the right, said “that’s where your house is,” and let her loose with her bag and her sketchbook. Still, Rose finds herself sighing in front of the wrong door, with the wrong symbol, in the wrong wing. The logical solution would be to look at the map available to colony members on her PDD. The implementation of this solution is lost somewhere between the fact that semi-regular system updates are keeping the map from loading, and an unhealthy dose of stubbornness that insists she doesn’t need a map anyway.

Rose is so incredibly lucky, she thinks, that she hadn’t been left to her own devices in the wilds of the earth for four and some years. Screw statistics, honestly, but there was at least an 87.69% chance she’d be dead. ]

…It’s a square, Rosalind. You went in a circle, in a square.

[The air in the Colony after the funeral is only marginally less somber than before the funeral. Which like, sure it’s only been a day, but Felix didn’t know this ‘wolf man’ he keeps hearing about (and from the sounds of it, he was a bad and dangerous person, so was it really that big of a loss?), and he’s sort of ready for things to go back to normal—he was pretty ready yesterday, in fact. After all, he has his own stuff to be worrying about. Like dishonest playboys and rebounds and social-romantic justice.

Hmph.

He comes out the Delma common room door at an uncharacteristically brisk pace, (dressed for the Spring that seems unconvinced if it wants to come and stay a while, in flowy lilac harlem pants and a white, hooded jumper cropped above his navel) and he lets out a little, surprised ‘oh’ when he spots a girl he doesn’t recognize standing there looking confused, at best.]

lissy-mccall​:

annie & felix.​​

[They have been over it, like a million times in the dorm, but Lissy manages not to sound too exasperated by Annie’s insecurity. She knows that Lissy is right really, and it’s the same stuff Annie would say if their positions were reversed. Annie just always fears the worst.

It’s surprisingly reassuring to hear that Felix was actually in a similar boat with Alois, though. For some reason Annie would assume that when people like Felix Tee and Alois Van Asch are together, they must be having sex. But evidently not; and it makes Annie aware that she’s probably a bit too hung up on it. And it’s nice to hear that Fee had felt insecure about it, because if someone like him feels insecure then it’s way less isolating to think of her own insecurities. She nods along, because she completely relates to the worry of what it means when someone doesn’t immediately want to take you home. Her face does fall at his conclusion, though.]

But what if you want them to try and get into your pants two minutes in though? [Annie balks.] I mean– sorry, I’m not trying to be like, weird and gross. I know it’s good that he’s being respectful. I’m just… impatient. The kissing is so nice, and there’s this whole other world of nice, fun stuff that I would like to see. But like… all in good time, I know. It’ll happen. And I’m sure everyone in the dorm will be so glad when it does, because maybe I’ll finally shut up about it.

[She shoots Lissy an apologetic grin. She’s definitely been a bit boy-crazy lately, which she’ll blame on the fact that she’s sort of on the cusp of maybe having sex, but not actually having it. It’s a very frustrating place to be, but Lissy and the others have been so patient listening to Annie rant about it.]

___

[[ The fact Annie thinks Lissy, in anyway, could be bored of this conversation is laughable. It’s the most high stakes yet actually not-high-stakes-at-all sort of drama that stops life becoming a long, mindless blur of days. Annie’s trying, putting herself out there and getting hands on her boobs. (Must be nice.)

Lissy listens, intently. Giving Felix a curious look at his phrasing. Felix was worried about a guy not wanting to take advantage? Its the idea of taking advantage that has some of the laughter leaving her. It’s an inscrutable look, Felix doesn’t know her well enough to read the silent look of stony faced concern. As though it didn’t happen, she turns to Annie, shaking her head and looking up to the heavens. ]]

Once it happens you won’t shut up about it, because I will just ask you for every single detail! If you do stop talking like, all this build up to leave us with nothing! No follow up! That’d be worse. [[ Lissy jokes. Half-jokes. Maybe? ]] Have you, like, asked him? Just. Straight out said Hey: I wanna bang. [[ She puts on her best smarmy slash smooth sexy (?) voice. ]]

@felix-tee​

[Lissy answers before Felix can, but she’s concise in the way that he’s learning is in her character—and is so totally opposite of his character. Not only because he talks a lot, but also because he’s not as good at finding the right words to explain himself, and so he has to sort of wander around trying out a whole bunch of them until something sticks in a way that makes sense. 

Or until somebody stops him. 

He nods at Lissy’s question and implied advice, and his head swivels to Annie, curious and engaged.] Yeah, have you? Because that would be my advice sweetheart. If you want something, you just have to go out and get it. It’s what I did with Alo and it’s sort of my mantra with like, everything. Don’t let anyone make you think that you have to wait for somebody else to bring you an opportunity, or for somebody else to send you an invite. Just bloody go out there and design. Throw some postage on it and mail it to yourself. 

[He laughs, light and tinkly, feeling unusually silly. Being playful in a sort of... controlled and contrived way is in Felix’ s usual repetoire, but usually he’s too concerned about appearances to be silly or goofy. 

But something about this conversation with these CalGals is making him relax a little. And while it’s nerve-wracking in its own way, it’s also really liberating. Still, he’s a long way away from being truly transparent or real. There’s so much facade to who he is as a person these days that even Fee has trouble telling where the mask ends and the actual person begins.] 

{pre-ruina rex} Monday, April 3rd, 4:34pm

cvnstantin​:

[Constantin never believed in comparing problems, not even before. It’s become especially important since D-Day, though, because he hears a lot that his and Ana’s experience must have been so much worse than anyone else’s, but it’s all perspective, isn’t it? It was the worst thing that ever happened to Constantin.

But someone with a more ‘typical’ D-Day experience still went through the worst day of their lives. Just because there may have been objectively less trauma, that doesn’t mean their worst is worth less than Constantin’s worst.] 

Is not stupid. [It’s the first thing he thinks. Felix isn’t stupid for being upset. There’s so little left in the world – where are people meant to put their hopes, if not into other people? And Felix is still so young, with so many ‘firsts’ left in his life. Some good, some as painful as heartbreak.] Fuck his mother’s cross, what an idiot for him to not treat you good. You are better than to be ‘other person’ in his life. I hope you know he is tell you more about himself than he tells about you. Is obvious he is stupid dick who have no respect.

[Constantin doesn’t know the full context, of course, but he’s always had particularly strong feelings on loyalty. Perhaps it isn’t ‘cheating’ if you’re not in an established relationship – and Fee had never mentioned having a boyfriend so that seems like the likely situation – but it’s very much bad form to lie by omission. If you’re seeing someone else then you owe it to both parties to tell them about it, so they can fully understand the situation and decide for themselves if they’re alright with it.]

[Costin replies like he’s all in with his opinion. He barely knows anything about the situation, doesn’t know who Felix is talking about or much of the details, but his reaction is passionate and sure. And Felix doesn’t know if Costin is just saying all this because he’s Fee’s friend and he knows Fee needs to hear it... or if he actually feels that way. 

But either way, it is what Fee needs to hear. The certainty with which Costin iterates and reiterates that it’s Alois’ loss, that he’s the ‘stupid dick’ and the ‘idiot’... it makes Felix want to burst into tears again. Not because it makes him feel worse, but because it feels like permission to hurt. It feels like permission from someone older and wiser than him to be angry. To let himself feel this pain.

It’s hard for Felix, because he spends so much of his time, weak and vulnerable as he may be, fighting being fragile. He’d grown up in a world where appearances were everything, and impressions were invaluable, and he just couldn’t afford to appear weak or breakable or hard done by. Whether he felt that way or not. He had to be accomplished, he had to be confident—he couldn’t let anyone see him flinch. Because what would people think? It was a shitty, mean, judgemental world, and you had to fake it hard until you made it look easy. 

His hands find his face as the tears swell at his lashes and he tries in vain to rub them away. His fingertips come away damp. Taking a shaky inhale, he tips his head onto Costin’s shoulder again. When he swallows, it feels like a new rock has formed there, at the core of his throat.] 

It’s just... I wouldn’t... I wouldn’t fucking care if he were like, hooking up with other people if he—if he didn’t make this whole bloody thing about wanting to make it special and... like, I feel like I’ve been tricked. If I’d known he was just another playboy I could have... treated it like that from the beginning. But he... he acted so... so interested and sweet and I thought... I just... 

[He falters. He doesn’t know how to explain this. This is decidedly the most vulnerable he’s been since coming here. With the exception, of course with the conversation with Alois where all this went down. But even then, he’d had a wall up. He’d put on a brave and pretty face, more or less.] There aren’t a lot of people here who get me, you know? And he... I thought he did. We have a lot in common. And he told me he wanted... to take me a “proper date” and not rush into anything because he wanted to... do it right, or whatever. 

But then out of nowhere he just... just suddenly said we should take a step back. And that there was someone else. And I know... I just know he’s not saying the same thing to whoever they are. He was just... he was just bullshitting me the whole time and it’s so fucked up because I’m Felix Fucking Turner! I’m better than that and he... [Felix doesn’t quite have the confidence in his own name, at the moment, to get behind the pride and dignity of that argument, as much as he’d like to. As much as he normally would. He feels broken. Like he’s been lied to, and now he’s stuck lying to himself, as well. If he hadn’t been already.] 

isha-feinberg​:

when: wednesday 12th april 2163 where: a corridor, by a supply cupboard who: open!

[So many black clothes. Isha doesn’t like cleaning them as much; white clothes are easy because you can bleach them. Dark clothes show every little hair and bit of fluff, and she’s spent the better part of the last hour with a lint scraper trying to clean up everyone’s funeral clothes. When she gets sent off to get some more laundry detergent, she suspects it’s because she keeps sighing so fretfully while everyone else is chatting and trying to establish some sort of normality after Kaiser’s death.

Isha is fine with that, gliding down the corridor and slipping into the nearest supply cupboard. She has to stand on the lowest shelf to reach the detergent, which is far back on the highest shelf, and while she does so the door swings shut behind her.

It’s very dark, all of a sudden. Isha always needs to know where the nearest exit is, and she fares poorly when she’s trapped somewhere like this. Her PDD does nothing to open the door, but it won’t bend to brute force either; why doesn’t she know how the bloody doors work? Is it a mechanical error? A computer thing? Someone in the tech department is playing a joke on her? The light of her PDD is painfully bright as she types out an indignant message to the first IT person she can think of, that Paxton person, to say that she’s stuck.

In the meantime, she’ll try slow deep breaths like they always tout in therapy. It’s only when she hears someone coming along the corridor outside that she slams her palm against the door.]

Excuse me? Hello? [She manages to sound rather annoyed for a woman hoping to get some help. She doesn’t want to admit to the pounding in her chest or the strangling feeling in her throat. She just wants to get out of this stupid damn cupboard.] 

[Felix doesn’t especially know he’s a skittish person, but when an indignant, muffled voice and some hard slams project from a closed door beside him, Felix does jump a little. He touches his chest—reflex—and lets out a little, almost silent ‘oh’ and steps back. Also reflex. 

Then two plus two suddenly make... three, and he realizes someone seems to be knocking from inside a room—a closet, by the looks of it. He smartly deduces this because the door is narrow and the stranger’s voice sounds like she’s in a small space. 

Oh, and because there’s a cloudy gold plaque on the door that says ‘Supply Closet’.

who-is-jr​:

[[ Fee explains himself, giggling nervously and fumbling a little over his words in a way JR really wouldn’t have expected from him.

‘Didn’t want you to think I’d forgotten about it.’ Huh, he hadn’t considered that, actually, JR well and truly forgetting about the day after the party and whatever else may come. He’s not used to seeing people again. At least he wasn’t, before.

It’s a realisation that sneaks up on JR as though it’s nothing: a simple fact of his life before that arrives without pomp or ceremony. Seeing the same people all the time: it’s new. ]]

I wasn’t expecting you to find me or anything. [[ He hopes it doesn’t come across cruel, it’s a simple fact. He looks at Felix, usually dour expression carefully taking in Felix’s youthful features and pink cheeks. He’s still cute in the daylight, he can’t help but wonder if Fee thinks the same of JR. ]]

I’m not very talkative. [[ A fact Felix was made aware of when JR so very quickly reached the end of his verbal flirtation and went straight for a more physical approach. After a moment, JR smiles small. His elbows settle on his knees, hands held loosely as he looks out at the same old view. ‘Complicated stuff.’ He’s vague, JR isn’t sure if he wants to be asked about it, so he doesn’t. JR doesn’t really want to talk about his shit right now, even though it drags his shoulders down, makes him less angry but sad as he looks out. ]] Yeah, always something going on, isn’t there?

[ ‘I wasn’t expecting you to find me, or anything’. 

In an unexpected way, it’s almost a relief—or... if not a relief, then maybe one of the reasons why Felix had been inclined to find JR. To reconnect. Because Felix was quite used to being pursued, especially by random blokes he had random pashes with at bars or clubs,  blokes he didn’t really care to remember, necessarily. Blokes who’d tell him about their sisters in Brisbane or abroad, and their majors or minors or least favourite subjects in school. Usually, most of that was in one ear and out the other, because it wasn’t about him and because he was too busy wondering about what he looked like or if he would book that job or if there were any scouts around or if someone would take his picture just now and talk about him on Echo. If he would be in the news by morning. 

Usually, he just wanted to drink a little and forget a little and fool around enough to make himself feel wanted, without fooling around so much that he felt gross and guilty, like he had time and time again. 

At least, that was before. Before... all this. A lifetime ago. Everything seemed to be different now. Everything was different now. Even Felix. And admittedly, even the things that were important to him. Well... some of those things had changed, at least.] 

That’s okay. I’m quite talkative, I’m told, so like... good balance. [He slides JR a cute smile, letting himself flick at his fringe with painted fingernails for a moment. He clears his throat, and casually rests his thin forearms over his knees. He nods at JR’s quiet observation.] 

Yup. Reckon so. And like... I wanna say ‘now’, because it’s easy to blame the apocalypse for everything, but I guess... that’s one thing that has sort of always been true, hasn’t it? That there’s always something going on. That’s just... life. Even before. It’s just... different things going on, now. 

dylan-meir​:

[Felix is right that death is scary, maybe moreso than he knows. Before D-day, the only experience with death Dylan had had was with the cattle. Her uncle had made a point of having everyone who worked the ranch slaughter at least one cow, as part of learning how to run the ranch. Most of her aunts and uncles had done it a few times, both for meat and mercy. Dylan hadn’t been old enough yet– just shy of a few months when the asteroids hit– but she’d seen it done. She’d also seen the slaughterhouses where their cattle were turned into carcasses for butchering; she’d seen the bolt gun and the knife both. She was no stranger to death. But it was one thing to see an animal die, part of the cycle of life. It was another thing entirely to see people die. And D-day had been Dylan’s introduction. So yeah, death was scary.]

[It wasn’t that, though. Or, it wasn’t just that. It was the nature of it. What everyone was saying in hushed whispers or behind closed doors. And that it had been Kaiser of all people– Kaiser, who for all his faults was by no means weak or unhealthy, and in fact had been fine not an hour before.] No, of course not. I know they’re not…they’re not murderers. I know they have our best interests at heart. But I can’t trust that they’re telling the whole truth. It’s just to…wrong. Remember way back in January, that weird parasite? What if this is like that, but worse, and they’re covering it up so nobody panics? I mean, no one even saw this coming so who’s to say it won’t happen again?

[She can feel herself breathing hard, reflexively swallowing down the lump in her throat, and she tries to get control of herself. It’s hard. Her whole life, she’d been taught that the best death is one you don’t see coming. Now she knows just how wrong that is.] What if Kaiser was just the first?

☀

[He’d just missed the parasite, thank God, but he had heard about it, obviously. Well, he’d heard some things, and it’s hard to tell what’s fact and what’s rumour, but Felix has always sort of had selective hearing in that way, anyway. Rumour or truth, he’d believe what was convenient to him, or what was the most interesting. 

Still... covering it up? Covering up what? He’s heard people’s conspiracies about the parasite being not-exactly-an-accident, since apparently some of the Infected lost their powers when they got sick. But he doesn’t believe that the Reformists could be involved. Didn’t everybody get sick, after all? Infected and Uninfected, Reformists and anarchists? No, it must have been a coincidence. He’s not been here that long, but he can’t imagine the NWRF would do anything that disorganized or risky. It’s just stupid. 

Felix is careful, because Dylan seems like... legitimately upset. Her voice is cracking and her eyes are red and she’s struggling to get the words out, and though he’s confused and opinionated, Dylan is one of the few people he has here who is truly on his side, especially after what happened with Alois. She may be Infected, but she’s also NWRF.  Not only is she his friend, and one who reminds him of home, at that, but she’s also like, officially on his side. Politically. She’s a safe bridge he really doesn’t want to burn. ]

What, like... you mean what if he died because of the testing or something and they’re trying to cover it up? 

{pre-ruina rex} Monday, April 3rd, 4:34pm

cvnstantin​:

[When Fee finally pulls away to wipe at his tears, he hides his face by some sort of instinct. It’s totally fruitless because obviously Constantin knows he’s crying; turning his head away won’t do much. It’s easy to forget, sometimes, just how self conscious the boy is, and if the turned head isn’t a reminder then the next words out of his mouth certainly are.

It’s unthinkable to Constantin that anyone can be hurt like Felix is apparently hurting, and somehow be primarily worried that people are going to find out he cried. At least, that’s what he assumes the request means. It could be a preemptive request not to tell anyone about whatever Fee is about to explain, but somehow Constantin thinks it’s more about the tears. Either way, of course he won’t tell, not when it’s clearly so important to Felix.] 

Okay. [Constantin’s answer is unhesitating, and for a moment it seems like Fee has cried himself out – but then a fresh wave of tears hits and he’s gone again. There’s an apology, and Constantin shakes his head. Obviously it’s not necessary; he’s glad Felix felt like he could talk to him about whatever this is. Wanting to bring Fee back to earth, back to here and now instead of whatever memory is gnawing at him, Constantin takes the sharp edge of Felix’s jawline under his palm and tilts the boy’s face back to him, searching for his eyes. It was what he did with Anaya, whenever things were too much for her. Find her eyes and remind her that he was there, and never mind the universe stretching out endlessly behind them.] 

Is okay. Tell me vhat happen. [He’s got no real idea of how to deal with situations like this, but instinct tells him that talking about it is better than leaving it to burn in your chest.] 

[Felix is the one who’d asked Constantin to come. He’d asked him here, because he’d wanted to talk to him, or maybe he’d just wanted his comfort, wanted someone to tell him he was right and Alois was wrong and he was perfect and Alois was a fool—but now that he’s here, he doesn’t know how to say the words. He doesn’t even know what he would say, if he could say anything at all. He doesn’t talk about his mistakes, his pain, his weaknesses, and suddenly this feels a lot like admitting weaknesses he doesn’t want anyone to know he has. 

What would Costin think of him, if he knew that Felix let someone play with his heart that way? That Felix cared enough to be taken advantage of like this. He feels so stupid, and so embarrassed. Embarrassed for the position that he’s in, and embarrassed for crying about it like a baby. Costin was stuck in a spaceship. In actual-fucking-space. For like, five years or something. He was totally alone except for one person, fighting for his life while he thought the whole world below him had ended, that everyone and everything was gone. What the hell does he care about Felix’s love life problems? It’s so insignificant, and Felix knows it, and he hates himself. 

‘Tell me vhat happen’, and Felix both wants to, and doesn’t want to. He aches to get it off his chest, but also desperately wants to run away, to take it all back and say there’s nothing to talk about after all. 

He stares at a dip in the cement at his feet for a moment, like he might drill a hole out of it, like he might feel better about his hurt by glaring at the stone, blaming them for his problems. Eventually, he takes a shaky breath. Opens his mouth. When he speaks, it’s barely a whisper.] 

It’s... stupid. It’s stupid. I just. Someone I thought I was close to... someone who I thought...like, cared about me, basically lied to me. He treated me like I was so bloody special and then he... [Felix falters. Swallows.] It turns out there was someone else the whole time. Which... [which might have been different, if things had been.... well, different. But Alois had acted like... God, it makes Felix angry just thinking about it. How could he have been so fucking stupid?] Which maybe wouldn’t have mattered if he hadn’t made it seem like... [he doesn’t know how to explain. He’s out of words and he’s frustrated and suddenly the last thing he wants to do is talk about Alois.] He just lied. He played me and I fell for it and I don’t... I don’t do that. I’ve never...

alois-the-real-boy​:

[[ For a long moment Felix looks at him, simply looks, and Alois can’t do anything but look back. He hates this, the raw expression in Felix’s eyes, the sick turn of his own stomach as he realizes, piece by piece, that there may be nothing about this that’s salvageable. Alois knows this is his fault. He let things go on for too long, let himself have the best of both worlds where he could mean something to Clove in private and mean something to Felix in public.

Selfishness. There isn’t any other word for it. Alois had spent all this time willfully ignoring the growing attachment between them because he wanted to believe he could have all of it. Obviously, he doesn’t deserve that much.

Felix finally looks away, and the heavy feeling in Alois’ chest drops. ‘Right.’ Alois frowns and barely shakes his head, not that Felix will see it.

‘I think you should go now.’

There’s a finality in the statement that tightens in Alois’ chest, a finality he wants to fight against but knows he doesn’t have the right to. It’s a wonder Felix hasn’t told him to leave before now, he thinks.

Alois dredges for literally anything else to say, but predictably, comes up short. He wishes he had a little more of his father’s heart in this scenario, and less of his mother’s chilled diplomacy. Nodding faintly, he hesitates one last time before standing, and even there he pauses, fingers twitching where he wants to reach for Felix’s shoulder but… doesn’t. ]]

Okay, [[ he says quietly instead. It sounds loud to his own ears, but probably not nearly so much to Felix even in the heavy, subdued air of the room. Lips pressed into a thin line, he just nods again. ]] … okay.

[[ Alois walks to the door, pausing and letting his fingertips touch the frame as he glances back. Anything else he can think of to say dies on his lips. None of it feels like it’d be good enough, so with one last muted nod, Alois’ hand slips from the door frame and, as requested, he leaves. ]]

[It’s not what he’d wanted—well, obviously none of this is what he’d wanted. But he’d not wanted Alois to leave, exactly, and the room feels colder without him. Emptier than it’d been before he’d shown up, and Felix can’t help but wonder if he’d known he was going to be saying all this when he was walking up to meet Felix in his dorm, or if it’d blindsided him the way it’d blindsided Felix. 

He’s not sure which answer is better. Or which is worse, rather, because both make him feel pretty shit. 

But he’d had to ask him to leave. He’d had to ask him to leave because this numbness would expire, soon. His anger would subside and Felix was afraid of what would be left in its place. He knew it would be more embarrassing. And if Alois was going to play him like this, the least Felix could ensure is that he kept up appearances. That he’s effortless confident, endlessly self-assured and independent. He doesn’t need anybody. He doesn’t need the validation of some boy. After all, he’d had everything once. Fame, money, admiration, accomplishment. Beauty. He doesn’t need anyone or anything, except for maybe (secretly) his father. 

He doesn’t. He doesn’t. 

Sure enough, when Alois leaves, Felix sits quietly for a few minutes, then closes the curtains of his bedposts, and cries.] 

diederick-dmornay​:

I’m not very likeable. [[ Ricky admits: whisper soft in case someone else hears. It’s a fact, he can’t really hide it. There are brief, shining moments where Ricky is likeable, is lovable, but they seem further and further apart nowadays. Maybe they’ve always been brief, shining moments.

There were moments Kaiser liked him. Moments that Ricky liked Kaiser. It’s complicated being any part of the Bähr family. Ricky knows his mother must’ve hated herself for falling for Kaiser, he was a monster. Her job was supposed to be to lock him up—not have his babies.

‘Even if they hate you, sometimes.’ ]] I transferred here for him, you know. He only spoke to me once. Wasn’t happy to see me. [[ Ricky runs his hand through his hair, head ducking down, he thinks he may cry again. He doesn’t know why he’s telling Felix all of this. Maybe because he’s the first to listen in a way. Maybe because he’s telling him that his dad doesn’t like him either. Everyone else only has kind things to say about their parents. Another things that makes him feel like shit. Can’t even get his own parents to care about him properly.

He shakes his head, looking up at the ceiling. ]] Now my mother hated me. [[ It’s not a laugh: he’s showing teeth, a broken sound, borderline hysterical. Bringing his hands up, rubbing them over his face, base of his palm rubbing over his eyes. ]]  Maybe you’re lucky you never knew her. She gets to stay perfect.

[Felix is trying his best not to crumble in his uncertainty what to say. He’s a little uncomfortable, but not because he doesn’t want to be here, just because he wants to say the right thing, but he doesn’t know what the right thing is.

He pauses a short moment after Ricky’s ‘likeable’ comment. Though he knows it wasn’t really asking for reply and Ricky was mostly talking to himself, Felix answers anyway.] I like you, [he stresses. It’s quiet too—not quite a whisper, but still on a breath. People have told him he’s not very likeable in the past, and a part of him thinks maybe it’d be a helpful thing to say here, if he could say something like that out loud without it hurting his pride. He doesn’t believe it—he doesn’t want to believe it—and he’s afraid that if he says it out loud, it’ll make it more real. It’ll give it power. So instead, he leaves it at that: he likes Ricky. And maybe it’s not enough, but it’s true. 

Then he thinks of something else.] Charlie likes you, too, I know. There are people who don’t like me for whatever reason, but that doesn’t mean they’re right. [Kip certainly isn’t right.] Some people just can’t... stomach strong personalities. People are threatened by people who are confident, or who speak their mind or challenge them to be better. Not everyone can be, like, all sugar and spice and everything nice, you know? 

[ ‘He only spoke to me once. Wasn’t happy to see me.’ Felix swallows. Watches Ricky run his hand through his hair, the way his eyes blur, and he ducks his chin, turns his face. Felix reaches out to take his hand—threads his fingers through Ricky’s and grips it tight before Ricky can pull away. He doesn’t know what to say, so he just listens for a while, thumb stroking over the back of Ricky’s hand.

‘Maybe you’re lucky you never knew her. She gets to stay perfect.‘ He’d never really thought about it that way. And in his head, his mother is perfect. Though, that’s probably why his father got so much of his resentment. There was nowhere else for it to go. Nothing could touch the fabricated memories of his mother, she could do no wrong. But his father—his father could.] 

lissy-mccall​:

annie & felix.​

[Oh, god. She had kind of hoped Sailor Moon was like, a relatively popular nostalgia thing and it was just coincidence that none of the girls in the dorm had seen it, but Felix being confused really drives home the fact that it was definitely not a cool thing to watch.] 

Oh, uh, no, he’s just a character from a show I used to watch. [She shrugs it off fast. Annie had fixated on cartoons a lot as a kid, because they were easier to draw than real people. She could draw herself as Usagi, or Roxanne from the Goofy Movie, or whoever else, and it was like a fun way of exploring her gender expression before she really worked it all out.

Annie is surprised that Lissy volunteers the dance information, because she’s usually so private with people she doesn’t know well – but when Annie glances at her she sees the small, fleeting expression of regret. It’s barely noticeable, but Annie knows Lissy too well by now to miss it. She doesn’t want to expand on her scandalous dances, so Annie jumps in to take the fall. It’s the nice thing about their friend group: they’re all anxious wrecks sometimes (well, apart from Mira), but if one of them is more stressed, the others will unlock the mom-friend-override and access confidence they wouldn’t otherwise have.] 

Well, I, uh, made out with this guy Benji a couple of times. Like, in the baths. And he touched my boobs. [Annie glances around, wondering if she can see him in the dining hall, though it occurs to her that pointing him out to Felix would be an awful idea because she just knows he’s the kind of person that you say ‘don’t look!’ and he’ll do a full body swivel and ogle. She does see Ajay on the other side of the room, and though Annie doesn’t point him out, she does lean in and lower her voice conspiratorially.] And I went out for drinks with this guy, Ajay, but he didn’t try anything so I don’t know if he’s like, super interested.

____

[[ Lissy thinks she maybe should join in. What’s the harm in sharing names? With Felix, maybe, something might actually happen. Lissy’s been too chickenshit to find either Lake or Draco. Draco at least it was simply nice but with Lake? She’d lied to him, started to try and turn him against Charlie. She doesn’t want to have to face that again. There is plenty of harm in sharing, then.

Annie, always being in Lissy’s corner, takes the fall. Or, Lissy thinks, she simply gets a chance to talk more about it. Lissy’s happy for her, truly, she’d talked about Benji and Ajay in the dorm and it’d been fun. Light-hearted. Sometimes, Lissy thinks she’s just vicariously living through Annie. Lissy shakes her head, laughing at Annie. Just a little bit. ]]

Again, Annie, just because he didn’t try anything probably means he’s, like, taking his time. Why wouldn’t he be super interested in you?

@felix-tee​

[Something about the way she describes the details makes Felix giggle—he’s not sure if its how sweetly virginal ‘he touched my boobs’ sounds, or if it’s the accent or the fact that she’d done it in the baths, which somehow seems like, a pretty pornographic setting for someone who’s enthralled by having their boobs touched—but whatever it is, he chuckles, fingers coming up to touch his lips, shading the flash of teeth. But he’s not laughing at her—he’s laughing with her, (he hopes), because her energy is infectious, and he’s sure that bubbly, nervous need to laugh is coming from her. 

At the next comment, Lissy voices the same thing Felix had been thinking. What does not ‘trying’ anything have to do with it? Then again...] She’s right, you know. I don’t see how like, not ‘trying’ something after just one date is like, at all an indicator. But I do understand how you feel. Like, Alois and I have hung out a bunch of times, and we’ve snogged and stuff, but well—that night at the party, I might have suggested we leave together, you know... [he figures the context is implied.] And he actually said he’d rather wait. Like, until he could take me on a ‘proper date’. Whatever that means, these days, [he adds with a bit of a laugh.] 

[He’d not been planning on telling this to the girls, because he’d worried it would make him look bad, or undesirable, but now, in the context, he can use it as a way to be encouraging to Annie, and make himself feel better at the same time. And talk about himself again. It’s a win-win-win.] And at first, I was a bit worried, what it meant that he didn’t like, immediately want to take advantage and take me home. But I think that’s just a sign that he’s like, a proper gentleman and doesn’t feel the need to rush things. And maybe it’s the same thing for this Benji bloke. Like, trust me, honey, I’ve had those first dates where they try to get in your pants like, two minutes in. You don’t want those. Those ones are usually pricks who aren’t worth your time. 

[He’d had to learn that the hard way, to be honest. And they aren’t mistakes (plural) he’d wish on anyone else. Especially anyone of the LGBT+ community, because self worth and confidence is already hard enough for them as it is.] 

dylan-meir​:

[All of a sudden Felix is there, right in front of her, and it’s all Dylan can do to keep herself falling apart, into him. She’s so used to having someone who would catch her, a shoulder that she could cry on and an understanding ear, that the restraint chokes her like a leash. And the weight of it, the crushing reminder that she doesn’t have that anymore, is like the final straw on her back. She nods at his half-perceived question and sits mechanically in the nearest chair.]

I’m fine. I’m okay. [Lies, but white ones. She’s gotten so good at telling those to herself lately, it’s easy to tell them to him. She doesn’t keep up the ruse for long, though. After all, she didn’t go searching for Felix because she wanted a makeover.] I…I’m just scared. I don’t know. This whole thing with Kaiser… [She can’t put it into words. It sounds childish and stupid, being afraid of something she has no proof in.] I’m sorry. It’s not– it shouldn’t be a big deal. I mean, I didn’t even know the guy, and from what I do know he was a right awful bastard. I shouldn’t care at all, much less be bloody scared! Bugger got what was coming to him.

[It’s an awful justification and even she knows it. She’s the last person on earth who has the right to play judge, jury, and executioner. No matter how awful Kaiser was, he didn’t deserve to die. And he especially didn’t deserve to be killed, if that’s in fact what happened. And yet, here she is. Justifying his death to avoid thinking about what it means for her.] I just. I don’t know, Felix. This whole thing just feels wrong.

☀

[She looks sort of... out of it, as she lowers into the chair. Like she’s on autopilot, but her mind is somewhere else. Her movements are mechanical, tense. Felix’s mouth tightens, and he sets his notepad aside as he watches her frozen expression, flickering like a staticky television channel.] 

Oh, babes... [He can understand why she’d be scared. It’s a scary thing even for him, and he isn’t burdened with an Infection. He isn’t one of them. But poor Dylan is stuck like this—stuck with an Infection she doesn’t want, and she feels out of control for it. No wonder she’s nervous. He’d feel the same way.] Of course it’s scary... death is always scary, no matter who it is. We’re not, like... supposed to feel good about these things, even if the people dying aren’t people we know or really care about. 

But what do... what do you mean, wrong? Are you—you don’t believe the NWRF were responsible, do you? Don’t let people get into your head, darling. People will say anything to make people think Reformists are totally evil, when all they’re doing is trying to help people. Protect people. Like you, and me. And even Kaiser. 

who-is-jr​:

[[ Fee takes a seat. He looks ready to leave any second, though, not truly settling in. Maybe he’s testing the waters, first. Makes it easier to dart away once JR reveals his true colours.

Oh, honey— there it is. A little pet name that instantly helps to lift his mood. His words are too kind in some aspects, but he is right. It is always there: staring you in the face. Such a small place (or so he’s told, what reference what does he really have?) if anything major happens, there is no really chance of hiding from it. ]] Yeah.

[[ Fee says he’s OK, but admits to dealing with things unrelated to Kaiser. JR almost wants to say the same, except Fee is saying he can handle it. He, on the other hand, really can’t handle it at all. The fact he’s quick to smooth away any concern makes him think that Felix doesn’t actually want to talk about what’s bringing him down, so JR won’t pry. ]] Hope whatever it is gets easier.

You’ve been wanting to talk? [[ It’s phrased as a question—mainly because JR can’t imagine why anyone would actively seek him out. Sure, Felix got to see a very different side of JR to the majority of people here but it was hardly a side that said he’d be a good conversationalist. ]]

[It’s a good thing—and something of a miracle—that JR is fond of Fee’s frequent use of pet names, because whether the blond is aware of it or not, they do tend to get on the nerves of a lot of people, and someone like JR—so stoic, so serious and reserved—is a much higher risk of being turned off by those sorts of things. So it’s nice that he doesn’t seem to be opposed to it. That he even seems to relax a little under Fee’s tentative touch and somewhat inelegant attempt at comforting words.

JR hears Fee on his struggles, but doesn’t pry, which, out of reflex, is something Felix simultaneously greatly appreciates and feels a little insecure about. Contrary to what some people would believe, Felix is pretty private about anything in his life that makes him actually feel vulnerable, and after a life in the spotlight, and under the critical eye of the media and paparazzi trash magazines, the idea of being exposed makes him nervous. 

On the flip side of the coin, however, he wants people to want to know about him, he wants people to be concerned about him. And if they aren’t, if they don’t pry, he always winds up wondering how much they care—if at all. For the most part, though, in this circumstance, he leaves those insecurities buried where they belong.

He almost winces as JR repeats his phrase back to him. Shit. It sounds a bit clingy, doesn’t it? Or vaguely... threatening. He’d not meant it like that, and he scrambles to clean up his mess, even if JR’s reaction had been muted; curious at best, concerned or confused, at worst.]

Oh—not like—not about anything serious, sorry. Not in a ‘we need to talk’ way, [he throws about some air quotations and lets out a nervous giggle.] Genuinely, I know some people are so triggered by those words. Fairly so. [Clears his throat.] Anyway, no I just meant... I thought it’d be nice to talk, that’s all. It... was nice getting to know you a little bit at my—at the Delma party, I mean. And I didn’t want you to think I’d forgotten about it, after we’d had a quick pash, and all that. I’ve just... had a lot going on, lately. Complicated stuff, so like. I’ve been distracted. But I’ve been meaning to like, reconnect, that’s all.