* / little lion girl

WHEN: November 2nd, 10:40pm WHERE: A Dark and Empty Corridor WHO: Open

Prefect Patrols were neither a pleasure nor a privilege; rather a burden that Seamus had been cursed with. At the start of the year, it’d been a bit exciting–getting to roam the halls after hours, deducting points and playing prefect, but now it was just becoming a chore. He hadn’t having to talk to people, didn’t want to take points (unless it was an absolute shite of a person), and certainly didn’t want to be doling out nights in detention. Not when he knew what said nights entailed. 

He’d turned the corner into a new corridor, his wand in his hand lit with the soft glow of lumos–when he spotted a person standing at the other end of the corridor. Seamus groaned internally, he’d hoped he wouldn’t find anyone else out tonight–he just wanted to go to bed. 

“Look mate, I know that being out after curfew might seem all fun and games at first, but it’s not all it’s cracked to be. You get caught, and then you’re losing house points, getting sent to detention, finding Filch and his cat in a tryst–real bad things, you know?” He approached the other person, his wand raised, and his lips quirking.  “Think we might be able to strike a deal though, if you’re interested?”

            fei doesn’t quite hear him coming but the sound of his voice doesn’t STOP her from painting this crude drawing of headmaster snape on the corridor wall, just throws a lazy SMILE over her shoulder as she adds a pair of devil horns to snape’s head with a giggle  ( her skin is flushed a deep pink and it is becoming hard to tell the difference between the smudged red watercolor on her face from the firewhiskey finding home in her cheeks )  and it is only slightly obvious she had a few drinks before coming down. but it’s seamus and seamus loves her and she loves seamus -----  plus she’d known he was doing rounds, had specifically chosen to wreak havoc tonight of all nights knowing he’d be the easiest to bribe, if she was caught, and she merlin was she thankful she thought ahead.

           “ can’t scare me with that shite, finnigan, i’ve seen it all. twice. ” she dropped the brush into the bucket by her feet and turned, eyes twinkling and lips curling into a wide grin. “ s’good to see you though mate, it was startin’ to get a little boring down here all by MYSELF. ” she had thought about inviting the girls but they have all gotten into enough trouble on her behalf, and really ----- this wasn’t a prank that was worth getting detention for, not when detention could mean bruises or broken bones. she is tired of watching them get hurt for her sake, so she waited until they were all asleep and snuck out, was sure they’d be frantic when she got back but it was worth it.

She gives Fei’s hand a tight squeeze, giggling as she swipes the flask out of her hand, because it feels so easy to pretend that their nothing more than just two friends sitting together, drinking and laughing, and that the world is okay and that their not at war. But six words in and her brief fantasy shatters as she reminded of the brutal reality of their situation. “If I’m being honest, I might find myself down their with you. Firewhiskey’s got me feeling a little brave, I suppose,” she chuckles, because if anything, she’s a fiery, passionate drunk. “So long as I don’t bump into any Slytherins or the Carrows, I should be fine, but I don’t think I’ll be able to keep my mouth shut for long if I do.”

Maybe it’s the reveal that Pansy’s put her friend in detention or perhaps it truly is the Firewhiskey, but her anger feels suddenly ten times more present and her empty hand quickly forms a fist. “If I don’t manage to make it there with you, know that I’ll be waiting up for in the common room,” she says with a slight smile, “I’m sure Lav and Soph will want to join as well. None of us tend to sleep so well if we’re all not there.” The word ‘all’ had become relative because without Hermione, they truly couldn’t consider themselves to be ‘all’ there, it’s what made sharing her bed all the more comforting– their way of reminding themselves that physical presence was irrelevant, that their loyalty and love ran far deeper than any distance or space.

           there would always be a part of her that felt as though she didn’t deserve THIS, any of this  ( seven years ago when she had stepped off the hogwarts express with her wild beating heart and sweaty palms, missing her mum and dad so much it ached, she could have never imagined herself finding parvati, sophie, and the rest this new family here ) but merlin would she spend every day trying to, would burn herself without a second thought, if it meant they’d all stay warm.  

          “ well, if you’re gonna bring the girls, and seamus, we might as well make a  N I G H T  of it, huh ? ” she shook the flask with a smile, “ c’mon, we’ll all get drunk and play exploding snap ! loser drinks AND has to clean the trophies ! ” it wasn’t much, but it’d be a distraction and that would have to be enough, for now. they didn’t talk about the empty beds in the gryffindor dorm but they didn’t have to, all felt their absence like a missing limb, a part of them gone. and on her darkest nights fei finds herself wondering if hermione and dean and the others are even alive, at this point, haven’t heard a thing about them and that can’t be good, can it ? so she drinks, and she smokes and she does what she can to keep her mind off of it all.

She’s unable to mask the relief that washes over her face, as she comes eye to eye with her fellow Gryffindor and dear friend, Fei. Lavender had been her best friend from the beginning, but Parvati had quickly grown to take solace among the other Gryffindors, who she’s come to consider to be as close as family. At the sight of Fei’s expression, she’s suddenly sure that tonight they’d find themselves on Hermione’s bed, holdings hands and pooling what strength they could manage between them. At the sight of the flask, Parvati can’t help but chuckle, “You’re an utter lifesaver, my darling,” she admits as she wraps her fingers around the flask, “Whatever would I do with out you?”

Downing a few sips of the Firewhiskey, allowing it to burn down her throat, she turns to Fei, holding out her hand, “Come here,” she offers through a shaky breath, “Need to get anything off you chest?” she offers. For as talkative as she once was, she grown to become a listener. She had begun to find that so often all someone needed was an listening ear, and so an listening ear, she would continue to offer.

           she smiles and takes parvati’s hand, feels WARM from the whiskey and adrenaline in her veins. and it’s moments like these where she kicks her younger self for not finding this girl sooner, for not linking arms with lavander and her just as she’d done with sophie in their first year ----- but it is better late than never, isn’t it, and she knows people wait  l i f e t i m e s  for the friendships she’s found in her gryffindor girls, could defeat voldemort himself and still not deserve them but merlin will she spend the rest of her life trying to. her free hand swipes the flask from parvati and takes a long sip, wants to flinch at the burn but has trained her body not to, instead just sighs and runs a hand through sweat slick hair. “ just got into it with pansy. ” she’s mumbling because she’s not proud of what she’s done, knows it was impulsive and stupid but she doesn’t quite regret it, feels calmer than she had before. “ she said somethin’ real bad about neville ‘n i just, SNAPPED. 

amsterdam   what is your ideal night out ?

she is  D A N C I N G.  four shots in and she feels like she is on FIRE, skin scorching, hot to the touch but she is loving every moment of it. she is running a hand through sweaty hair,  r e d  lipstick a little messy but so is she ——— but here she is surrounded by friends, by sophie, lavender, parvati, millicent, ernie and all everyone else who makes her heart feel full ; they are wild and reckless and young and there is nothing more to it. they are not expected to fight some unholy war, after this, not expected to be soldiers but instead they are kids and they are acting like it.  

prague: what is your favorite season ?

she used to love the changing colors of autumn but she is fifteen when she says goodbye to mum and dad for good and she did not cry but she wanted to, instead smiled around the mouth of her flask of firewhiskey, passes it around the train compartment as they head HOME and she has learned since to love the way spring breathes life into what was once dead, cherry blossoms pink like her cheeks and she is going to be ok.

sorrento: what is your weakness ?

           it is dark and she should be asleep but instead her heart is beating faster than it has in days and so she’s grabbing her broom and the practice snitch they’d given her at the start of the year ( and she tried not to take the way ginny couldn’t meet her eye personally, the first practice she’d come out wearing seeker’s robes, knew she could never replace harry potter and wasn’t trying to but he was gone, alive or dead they weren’t even SURE and there’s no real way to ignore that, is there ? ) she feels filthy in a way she’s not familiar with, the thought of the war raging outside the castle, of people losing their lives while she was playing quidditch left her stomach in knots. 

Without a moments hesitation, Sophie is easily climbing into bed next to Fei, her back against the headboard and the curtain drawn shut again. Fei’s silencing charm only adds to the isolation that the two of them will share, and Sophie finds it oddly COMFORTING to share in the private company of her best friend. “It’s hard not to think about him now.” Was all Sophie had to say on the matter.  As Fei’s head settled on her lap, Sophie brought a hand to stroke through her hair. Nails gently scratching her scalp as she brushed her fingers through from root to end - loosening the light tangles that had formed in her hair. A smile crept it’s way across her features as she glanced down towards Fei. The blossoming feelings had grown since she broke up with Terry, and now with how close her and Fei kept. ( closer than ever before - which isn’t saying much. the two had always been pretty well attached. but now, in light of everything, they don’t leave each others sides unless necessary. they walk with each other to class. sophie waits patiently outside of fei’s detention. their pinkies link together in the halls. and this isn’t the first time sophie has climbed into her bed at night. ) Sophie had no plans on sharing this CRUSH with Fei, in fear of causing a rift in their friendship. In any case, now wasn’t the time for dating. Sophie’s mind was already racing enough constantly as is. There was already so much going on and she’s already so OVERWHELMED that trying to balance a romantic relationship seemed to be an absolutely crazy idea.  “It’s so wrong.” Sophie said, as though they didn’t both already know that. It’s painful too, but Sophie kept that more emotional thought private. Normally, Fei was one of the few Sophie felt any inclination to be emotionally vulnerable with and while her trust in Fei hadn’t flickered a bit, ( in fact, sophie might argue that it had strengthened ) she found herself keeping her feelings close to her chest. As if she could avoid hurt by not bearing her heart.  The problem was she was still hurting.  It was a 50/50 whether or not Sophie would give in to the TEMPTING gleam of the flask. She wouldn’t consider herself a drinker - it was something she rarely indulged in, but tonight she felt it necessary. She took it and gingerly brought it to her lips, she took mouthfuls before she couldn’t stand the burn on her throat and handed it back. Her nose wrinkled in disgust at the taste, but the alcohol settled warmly in her stomach. She closed her eyes, willing for it to soothe her faster. “I feel like we’re all going to die here.” Perhaps it was a touch melodramatic, but Sophie needed to say it. “If they don’t kill us physically they’re going to drain all the life out of us anyways until we’re walking around like zombies. We won’t have anything left. No life, no hope, no love… If they keep us here long enough… Are we even going to be allowed to go home for the holidays?” It wasn’t a question Sophie thought Fei could answer, but one she had been posing to herself, although never daring to ask a professor. 

           a part of her believes that Y E S she is going to die here and a part of her is okay with that ------  a part of her can’t think of anything she’d rather die for, surrounded by friends and family, knowing they are safe and she’d be too, as soon as she closes her eyes. fei was born to make a difference and she has always known this, has always known she would leave this earth screaming just as loudly as she’d entered ( and she tries to pretend MARTYRDOM isn’t her end goal but the idea of dying a nameless body added to the count is more terrifying than dying itself and there has to be something wrong with that, right ? )  and so she wraps fingers around the flask and lets metal hit her lips, drinks down the firewhiskey as though it doesn’t burn her throat and bites back a bitter comment about how it doesn’t quite matter if they were allowed to go home for the holidays, she doesn’t have a home to go back to, lets her eyes fall closed and focuses on sophie’s hand in her hair instead. she is so thankful to have found a new family in gryffindors but on nights like these it is hard not to miss her mum and dad like a phantom limb.

When you’re a child, you chase your dreams because they are your heart’s desires, the sum of who you wish to be, a future you imagine for yourself. And they tell you to run after them, don’t they? Your friends turned cheerleaders, your all-knowing professors, your (un)supportive parents. You do as they say. You do as you are bid. But really, there’s a piece of you that doesn’t expect you to reach your goal, that thinks the day will never come when you have everything you have ever aspired for.

The day you find out that you never wanted that at all. 

For Pansy, that newly fulfilled wish was power. She spent her life cultivating it where it sparked, creating it where it lacked and seizing it when it belonged to someone else. She never wanted to be anything as much as she wanted to be a certain type of someone. Truthfully, she never imagined a path beyond Hogwarts - or the steps she would take afterwards. The next logical one has a serpent tattoo and blood smeared all across it. It’s no ambition of hers.

There’s more than one type of power. There’s the raw physical power of Alecto Carrow or Bellatrix Lestrange - utterly demented, but certain in who they are. There’s the manipulative power of Narcissa Black - working a room or smoothing tensions with tender words. There’s the paper push power of Ministry employees, climbing up the ladder. Right now, Pansy isn’t sure if she wants any of them, but she can certainly favour some over others. And the first? Doesn’t cut it.

But that, like so much else, is kept secret, tightly locked away. Naturally, her peers assume others - believing she looks to the perverseness of the Carrows and aspires it for herself, a fervent desire of the Dark Lord. She’d kill to save herself, but she’d never kill for him. Or for any of them. Fei, remarkably, regrettably, is on the mark. But Pansy would rather drown herself before admitting so. Instead, she diverts.

Freed up as Fei backs down (Pansy knew she would be the one to blink first, so Gryffindor of her, all smoke and no fire), the slytherin creases her forehead, questioning the premise of Fei’s notion. “That assumes the war is still raging when we leave Hogwarts.” Pansy snickers, childish for her enemy. Ice can burn too you know. “I have a feeling it’ll be wrapped up far sooner than everyone thinks. Neatly. And with a bow.” Little does Fei know, that Draco doesn’t have the mark either. She searched for it, all of last year. It didn’t stop him from losing himself, but it didn’t cement his demise either. More confident, Pansy laughs. It isn’t a kind sound, rather a mockery of amusement. “It must kill you, being stuck in here, utterly useless.”

           that assumes the war is still raging when we leave hogwarts...i have a feeling it’ll be wrapped up far sooner than everyone thinks. neatly. and with a bow.     a part of fei wants to scream at pansy, voice loud until it’s not, hoarse and hurt but worth it all if she is able to get this point across : this war was NEVER going to end. not in their lifetime. and there was no finishing this neatly, there would be no bow tied on top ; blood and gore and carnage the inevitable conclusion to the nightmare their reality had become. blood purists were not going to die with voldemort, and with new posters plastered up in the corridors each morning, it is clear dumbledore’s army is not going anywhere either, even with him gone. and self control tastes bitter on her tongue but she bites down and ignores the taste of iron, doesn’t let pansy get another rise out of her.

date/time: october 1st, 1997; 1:49 pm location: the courtyard status: open to all!

She’s shaken, shaken to her core by everything that had transpired over the past few hours. The images of Neville, her friend, Neville crumpling to the floor, his screams still echoing in her ears have jarred her in a way that has her breath still hitching. She had briefly stopped by the hospital wing to check on him, leaving a pot of asphodels by his bedside before being ushered out by Madam Pomfrey who had appeared to be rather frazzled herself, especially with the influx of patients. 

She couldn’t bring herself to return to the Gryffindor common room, not when she knew the room would be buzzing with worry and anger, the younger years looking up to her for the strength she currently couldn’t offer. She needed a moment to compose herself, to breathe before plastering a kind smile on her face for the sake of everyone else.

Taking a seat on one of the empty benches, inhaling the fresh air she so desperately needed, a deep sigh escaped her lips. She couldn’t begin comprehend how Hogwarts, a place she had come to associate with camaraderie and whimsy, had become home to such unspeakable atrocities. She had always been told her visions, her feelings were nonsense, but she had felt it. Even before anything had happened, she had gone into lunch with the sinking feeling that something awful was about to occur. 

“God, I think I need a glass of firewhiskey,” she muttered to herself, her words barely above a whisper.

            hair is still sticking sweaty against skin when she spots parvati alone in the courtyard, makes a beeline toward her fellow gryffindor, all plans of napping before serving the first of however many detentions pansy’d decided to give her for that stunt she’d just pulled abandoned, knew both of them really shouldn’t be alone right now, not after witnessing what carrow had done. she collapses with a sigh, her head falling to rest against parvati’s shoulder as she reaches a hand into her robe, pulls out a sleek black flask ( charmed to look like a water bottle, of course ) and offers it up. “ not quite a glass, but it’s STILL firewhiskey. here, take some, love, s’much as you need. s’bottomless. ” 

October 1st, 1997 - 10:43pm  The seventh year girls dorm was silent.  This wasn’t surprising. After the events from earlier that day, there wasn’t a lot that anyone wanted to say. Sophie had watched it happen, and the screaming that fell from Neville’s lips was going to be forever ringing in her ears. She knew the Carrow’s were cruel, she knew they were at risk because of Dumbledore’s Army, but never could she had foreseen it being so TERRIBLE. Sophie had thought she had been scared before, but this was on a whole new level.  The rest of the day she carried on as she was instructed, but constantly found herself looking over her shoulder. She held her breath as she rounded corners. Took lighter steps in the corridor. Kept her head down and turned the other way when passing Slytherin students. Part of her even considered attempting an invisibility charm on herself, at least to get her through the day without being on edge.  Naturally, that was unrealistic. So, she pushed ahead. She reminded herself of her house and the fresh badge that gleamed on her chest. The title of PREFECT hadn’t felt earned, but she had it, and she was going to make use of it. While she couldn’t stand up to the Carrow’s or Headmaster Snape, ( headmaster snape. the thought was sour on her tongue. ) the very least she could do was make use of it and help protect younger students who might need it.  And while those thoughts got her through the day, the night wasn’t any easier. The curtains were drawn around her bed as she stared blankly at the canopy above her. There was the soft sound of wind whistling around the tower, but no sounds of breathing or snoring around the dorm. One of the beds was empty, and question of where Hermione Granger was made her chest tighten. She wondered if the girl was even alive still. ( Sophie hoped she was. )  She shifted to sit up in bed. Her first instinct to go for her journal again, but there wasn’t anything Sophie could record that she hadn’t thought of before. Perhaps she could rifle through her old books, see if she can piece together something new but she had the feeling it would be a fruitless effort ; a distraction from what was really bugging her.  Instead, Sophie peered out of her curtains, pulling the one on her left aside. Her feet touched the cool floor and she pushed herself up slowly, trying to make as little noise as possible. She believed the other girls must be awake as well, which only added more reason for her to try not to disturb anyone. Well, everyone except Fei. Sophie tip-toed towards her friends bed, gently pulling the curtain aside.  “Are you awake?” She whispered. It was hard to see in the low light of the dorm. 

@feidunbcr·

           she had gotten in late, had served her first of however many detention’s pansy had decided to give her, whole body was e x h a u s t e d but every time she closes her eyes she sees neville fall to the floor, screaming in pain and she can’t stand it, can’t stand the constant reminder of her failure and the way her hands had frozen. so she is wide awake and downing firewhiskey like water when sophie pulled back the curtain on her four-poster bed ( and she’s still not quite used to the quiet comfort of sleeping alone ----- it’s nights like these she misses the the heat of her siblings tucked around her, mattress too small for the five of them but they squeeze together anyway. they don’t talk anymore; akira is in his fifth year now, ravenclaw and brilliant but he bows his head when he sees fei in the halls, knows he is only doing what their mum wants but it hurts her heart anyway. but there will always be casualties in war and fei supposes she’d rather they be alive and ok but out of her life forever then dead and cold on the floor of their flat. )