let it all out

to anyone who may find this blog, this is just a vent blog. not meant to really find anyone in particular. if you do find it, welcome. im sorry we find ourselves in such an unfortunate way but i appreciate you here.

it’s kinda funny because i always know what to say on here about my feelings but right now i don’t have the words. have feelings be reciprocated for the first time is so scary but thrilling. i’m being so fragile with this because i want it to last. all i’ve wanted in my life is to be loved. to not be lusted over. and now that’s in my reach and it’s scaring the shit out of me, but i’m so excited to see where this takes me.

i do wonder a lot if anything will come from this. not that i’m wasting my time, but i just wish you would tell me if you want something to bloom from this. if we should just stay friends or if there is a chance for us. i think im more into us than you are. i cant do this again

my body is already anticipating the end. i’m starting to panic and do anything to keep you entertained and wanting to be around me. i don’t want to lose you. i can’t keep doing this over and over. my whole existence is getting tired of repeating things about me to get people to like me. it’s really getting to be too much

trying to not let the voices get too loud. i want to believe you won’t get bored and leave, but everyone else did. i want you to be different. i want you to be the one to stay. i don’t want to get attached but you’ve made it so easy but this feels so much like the way he was. i’m scared to let my guard down just to be left

you make me feel the same way he made me feel. i don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. you’ve been such a bright light in my life since i met you but i worry that one day you’ll delete everything and disappear. i trust your word that you won’t but you’re saying everything that everyone else has said. i don’t wanna lose you. you’re everything i’ve been looking for but maybe you’re too good to be true.

thinking back as much as i knew i screwed up and was clingy and messed up such a good thing, we would never work. i’m not pretty enough to be with someone like you. you have this beauty to you that only deserved someone just as beautiful. you wouldn’t even spare a glance at me if we walked past each other on the street. i wish i could change every feature about me just to make you find me beautiful so we could’ve been something but i knew i never had a chance. maybe that’s why i overcompensated. i tried to find other ways to make you love me since it would never be my looks.

i didn’t think i wanted you as much as i do. ever since i called us off, you’re the only one on my mind. all i want to do is to talk to you and tell you things. i know you need to heal, but i hope while you heal you don’t move on from us. i hope you make your way back and we can regrow what we had.

i hope one day you regret treating me the way you did. i hope one day when i’m long gone from your life, you realize the person you could’ve had. because i would’ve had you forever if you would’ve let me. but i didn’t know i was so disposable in your life.

the days have slowly gotten easier without you, but part of me wishes you were still around. i still think about you constantly. no matter what happened to us in our friendship, connection, situation, whatever you want to call it, you’re truly one of the best people i’ve met. it was the greatest honor to get to know you even though it was such a short time.

i’m screaming out for you but you’re not listening. was anything we had real? was anything that you said true? or was this just a game you played because you were bored?

i see my friends and people close to me as my entire world. i would drop anything and everything if they needed me. but to my friends and the people close to me, I’m just there. i’m an acquaintance at best and if i needed something from them I’m an inconvenience. i care so much for people. i wonder what it is about me that’s so unlikable.

you’ve come back to my mind. after the work i did to try and move on, you have become the forefront again. looking back at messages before you left, i should’ve known the way we would’ve ended, you not wanting to hurt me but knowing my feelings. part of me believes you left bc you thought it’d be easier than watching me be pathetic trying to fight for you. and honestly you’re right. but as much as i miss you, as much as i wish the outcome was different, you’re always going to be someone i think and speak of fondly with everyone i meet.