FEELING LIKE A FLOATING FEATHER

I can’t understand how it’s possible if this has no meaning. We maybe met 5 times.

Maybe I’m just crazy. This makes no sense.

Is it because I met right after my breakup, where I wasn’t chosen twice, and I wanted you to chose me ? Or is it because I recognised you when I met you ?

I never believed this could happen, I never believed in love at first sight. Yet, it happened. Or at least I don’t know what else to name it .

I never thought I would be the type to wait for someone, especially for so long, yet I am breathless at each notification, in hope it’s you.

I doubted our relationship, but not you. It’s difficult to process that you’re not the man I thought.

I really thought you were the lifetime type, that we would put all our effort in working things out. You went for the easy way, just like everyone else does.

I don’t believe in people, I won’t trust them anymore.

Tu es entré dans la chambre et tu m’as dit en rigolant « j’ai rait tomber la statue qui ressemble à ma mère ».

Mon visage se transforme « tu l’as cassée ? »

« Oui elle s’est cassée aux pieds »

Je me lève, les larmes me montent aux yeux, je hausse le ton « ce n’est pas la statue qui ressemble à ta mère, c’est la statue de ma grand mère ». Je pleure à torrents.

Je me lève de panique et me dirige vers le salon pour voir la statue, j’avais espoir qu’elle se soit cassée au même endroit que ce que je l’avais recollée.

Je t’entends marmonner « oh ça va, j’ai pas fait exprès ».

- « je m’en fous que tu n’aies pas fait exprès, c’est la seule chose qu’il me reste d’elle”

Je la regarde, elle est cassée par ailleurs de la fracture précédente. Je sent instantanément ma bouche se contracter, ma vision se trouble, un voile épais de larmes déferle sur mes joues.

Tu as osé me dire “de toute façon tu l’avais déjà cassée”

J’ai hurlé “JE NE L’AVAIS PAS CASSÉE, ELLE S’EST CASSÉE PENDANT LE TRANSPORT”

- Baisse d’un ton, on a des voisins

- je m’en fous des voisins

- C’est ton problème tu t’en fous toujours de tout »

Quand je perdu ma grand mère, j’ai pleuré pendant 1 semaine en presque continu, jour et nuit. Tu étais là, tu sais.

A l’annonce de la casse, je me suis mise à pleurer comme si cela venait d’arriver.

Plus d’1h30 après, je n’arrive pas m’arrêter de pleurer. Mes yeux sont enflés, ma mâchoire serrée.

Au bout de 10 minutes à m’écouter pleurer, tu as pris la fuite dans la chambre d’à coté.

Je t’en veux, je pense que je ne pourrais pas te pardonner. Je rejoue la scène en boucle, aussitôt que je me calme, mon visage se remet à grimacer, les larmes coulent en rivière.

C’est matériel, ce serait n’importe quoi d’autre je t’aurais dit que ce n’était pas grave. Cet objet là, c’est le seul que personne ne pourra jamais remplacer, racheter.

Je ne te pardonnerai pas de me l’avoir annoncé en riant comme si c’était insignifiant, tu sais pertinemment ce que cette statue représente pour moi; d’avoir été obligé de ramener cet objet à toi “qui ressemble à ma mère” cette statue est à MA grand mère et ressemble à MA mère; de ne pas t’être confondu en excuses; d’avoir utilisé un argumentaire absurde comme si tu ne pas pouvais anticiper le mal que cela me ferait.

Je ne te pardonnerai jamais d’avoir altéré, souillé mon souvenir d’elle. Ce souvenir que j’aurais voulu garder intact à vie. J’aurais beau la recoller, tu l’as altéré et tu n’avais pas le droit, cela ne t’appartenais pas.

Je n’ai rien d’elle à part cette statue et 3 colliers fantaisies.Tu sais très bien que ce n’est pas une simple statue à mes yeux, c’est elle, mon souvenir.

De tous les objets dans l’appartement, il n’y en a qu’un irremplaçable, qui a une valeur sentimentale inestimable, et tu l’as cassé.

Tu n’as aucune excuse valable : tu n’es pas un enfant, nous n’avons pas de chien, la disposition de l’objet n’était pas risquée.

Tu n’as pas été precautionneux, tu n’as pas respecté mon objet et ne t’es pas comporté avec respect à proximité de celui ci.

Il n’y aura aucun niveau d’énergie ou de temps qui pourra réparer cela. Il m’est impossible de te pardonner, et je ne le ferai pas.

Je ne supporte plus de sortir du cadre, d’être moi même.

Je vis au pays des bisounours.

Je ne m’écoute plus.

Je suis en boucle.

Je ne sais pas réagir au conflit de manière modérée. Je ne sais pas garder le dessus dans un conflit, je doute toujours de moi même sans arrêt.

J’aurais aimé que la psy m’aide à comprendre pourquoi je fais ça, d’où ça vient, pourquoi j’accorde toujours plus de valeur au jugement des autres que le mien. Pourquoi je me justifie sans arrêt, de tout ce que je fais. Pourquoi je n’ai pas confiance en moi pendant un conflit tout simplement. POURQUOI.

J’ai le sentiment que ma mère ma brisée. Je m’en rend compte dans la manière dont elle me traite, elle ne me respecte pas. Je n’ai pas de souvenir précis, j’aimerais vraiment cela m’aiderait à avancer.

C’est ce que les autres font : me dire que j’ai tort, me dire de me remettre en question, que je suis excessive.

Je ne sais pas dis je leur donne ce droit par ma posture ? Peut être devrait elle être différente ?

J’ai l’impression d’être dans un monde parallèle, d’être persécutée, que cela n’arrive pas aux autres. Mais je vois clairement que cela ne leur arrive pas, ils sont eux mêmes, les gens les acceptent comme ils sont. Pas moi. Je n’ai pas ce luxe.

I’ve got a big issue with conflict. 

I can’t stand it on a professional level. I don’t understand the need for it at all. Why disrespect or tease someone ? To see their limits ?

If I react, I’ll be in fault because you’re a passive agressive bitch & if I don’t I’m a victim, it’s a sign for you to continue ?

I always end up biting my tongue & swallowing my words but they end up eating me alive inside.

I just don’t have the energy to always have my fists up for conflit.

Honestly the biggest bitch I’ve ever met, I could feel it in my guts when I met her but HAD to socialise. I am angry because people who didn’t trust her don’t fucking see it, but ended up trusting her only because I introduced her to the group.

I ignored my gut feelings just to do something my management asked me to do.

I’m sick of being nice.

I didn’t use to be so passive, I feel like corporation has cut me from all my senses or instincts. Because management always ends up pushing me to do what I don’t want to.

I want to throw up.

Now I’m afraid she’ll fuck my reputation up, because I know she will. & even if I get hired people will have an already made up opinion about me. & I’ll have to prove them wrong & be too careful about the way I talk of write to them.

People will get unusually defensive with me, & if I react I will be blamed for it because they will already have their opinion made up. It will be my fault because she will plant in their head it is.

I’m sick of having to prove myself to others for them to accept me.

I’m sick of people making life more difficult for me.

The problem is I don’t know what to write about, I don’t know what’s causing all this. I’m tired all day but can’t rest. I don’t know how to sleep, my brain just won’t stop. Work is adding to my cup but it’s the only things keeping me waking up in the morning.

I’m fucked.

Earlier this week I wrote about how the world is trying me.

I can’t seem to relax no matter how much I stretch.

I need to live in the present, to take things less seriously because when I die all of this won’t matter.

I need to develop resilience, enjoy every moment, take each step like it’s a game.

Being resilient isn’t being passive.

Tonight I talked about how I got information because I’d maybe like to have botox on my forehead.

You yelled at me, refused to talk and shut yourself in the bedroom. You say you’re doing this “for me”, that you know what I will regret or not. You told me that if I did get it, you would end up leaving because I would be superficial.

I told you could and should leave now because I wouldn’t spend my life with someone telling me what I can or cannot do to my own body. If you think that i am superficial, and leave for something SO superficial, then get the fuck out, you’re the superficial one.

I am not aloud to express my feelings freely ? So we cannot discuss a topic if you strongly disagree with me ? When did I make you feel like you could impose me anything ? Especially regarding my body ? Did I ask for advice ? I was sharing some thoughts. Even if I had asked for ADVICE it would not give you any right to pressure me to do or not do anything.

I will not wake up at 60 regretting something because of anyone.

This is the first time I’ve doubted our relationship in 3,5 years. How am I supposed to raise children with someone like this ?

When we were in our old apartment you would have me sleeping on the sofa the few times I needed some space and asked you to leave the bed; you told that “it was your bed” so I could leave it if I wanted. WTF already ?

Tonight, when I entered our room, in the apartment I own, and asked you to go into “your bed” in the guest room you refused. I asked again several times and you’ve refused.

What’s the logic ? What I am supposed to do ? Go crazy and drag you out the bed so you can say that I’m a violent person ?

I’m just amazed of how you feel entitled to anything here. Tell me what to do with my body ? Force me to sleep next to you or leave my fucking bed ? Are you mad ?

You don’t respect me, you don’t respect my free fucking will, and don’t respect my privacy when I need some.

You were wrong. You have no idea how this got me on edge and how i could switch to “get the fuck out” mode in a second. I will change the fucking locks if you don’t RESPECT ME.

I don’t know if this is time for change because the whole fucking world is challenging me at the moment. It’s been two fucking years, I’ve been put in competition with others for months, I’ve escaped a redundancy program, lost my grandmother, the only couple I’ve known as my parents are divorcing and now this ? Then people say that I’m cold ?

Don’t expect any apology.

I’m just sick of it.

It’s like when you’re tired, you’re someone else

Don’t speak for some time to find those words inside yourself

Honey don’t worry, I’ll do your laundry, covered in dirt

Darling be patient it’s easy to break beneath the weight of the earth

Always, I’ll wait, for sharp glass when you break

I’ll be the light that you can’t make, I’ll be your eyes you’ll be my face

I always doubt myself and take criticism for the ultimate truth; even tough people don’t know me. I care too much for others, and others opinion, but they really don’t give a shit about me and use me.

BUT I AM THE SHIT.

I am good at what I’m doing, and because of it, not fear others. I’m striving to be the best every day, I’m creative and got more experience. I always take subjects with heart and push as mush as I can to succeed; I always try to find the best and most efficient solution possible, and never complain if it’s hard. Because I’m tougth with myself and very demanding.

I should not fear, not a second, a girl who arrives and tries to intimidate me, make me think she handles things with more calm than I do. Because that’s not true, it’s only an image she wants people to thinks is true. In fact, she cannot see things from my perspective because she’s just arrived. She should be the one afraid of me; actually her reaction proves that she is afraid of me.

If it wasn’t for me, she wouldn’t achieve anything. Because I’m being my kind self helping her, teaching her, and not retaining information.

I’ll let her swim by herself now. I should be worried about my shit, about how to be in the best condition to do my job, rather than paying attention to he attempts to destabilise me.

She isn’t a threat, she just wants me to see her like one. From now on : I AM THE SHIT, I am confident as fuck, I don’t feel in competition with her because I’m the master, I taught her everything. I am maybe not the calmest person, BUT I AM EXPERIENCED AND STABLE. I’ve created everything and know how to do it. She cannot understand something better than I do as it’s my creation.

I AM CALM, I can face things it’s just that I express everything and need to express it. I’m just different than her but it doesn’t make me any weaker. I have every quality that is needed and do not feel threatened by this acting attempt.

I know who I am, I do not play a role, i am myself everyday. Being expressive is who I am and I will not change that. I will remind her in the future the difference between being expressive and feeling destabilised. Because I am not, I am me, and are legitimate.

I am me, and should not lose my sleep at night because people make me doubt myself. They do that because they are all scared. I am not scared of others and do not feel the need to put them down. People who put others down are the ones who actually feel threatened.

I have a natural charisma and do not need anything more to artificially feel above others. I do not need to feel above others. I am myself and shall continues to be. I am proud of who and what I am and I will not let anybody tell me what I am or his I feel.

“Oh yes everybody hears you when you’re unhappy” - yes I agree I express my feelings a lot but do not interpret that for me being someone people can’t talk with or that is difficult to manage. You don’t know shit about me, I am ALOUD to be myself without justification. Telling people what they are without them saying it, and using that to put them down is really low, toxic, and a reflection of your own insecurities.

I will keep in mind that I AM THE BAD BITCH HERE, you are threatened by me and should be reminded to stay at your place everytime you do so.

I DONT DOUBT MYSELF - YOU ARE MOT ENTITLED TO KNOW MORE HOW I FEEL MORE THAN I DO. Doubting myself will only make you believe that you are right, and are right to act like this.

I AM NOT REMORSEFUL. I shall not feel bad for attacking back, you created the issue. You deserved it and are just a colleague. You’re and adult and will get over it.

I KEEP YOU AWAY- the way you acted made me take some distance because you’re trying to get close to manipulate me.

I AM NOT OPEN WITH YOU, I WILL ONLY SAY WHAT I WANT YOU TO SEE. From now I will act like I manage you and invert the situation you’re trying to create, by saying to people “you calm me down when I’m stressed” only because I just speak to you openly like a colleague. I hadn’t seen you as a rival. From now on you will be one.

WHEN I COME INTO THE ROOM, I AM THE ONE WHO SETS THE TONE AND THE AMBIANCE. I do not doubt myself because I am in control and can lead anybody where I want to. I am the one in charge, I set the boundaries, and use a tone to pu you down.

I AM PROUD OF WHO I AM. I am different but it doesn’t make me less better. I am me, and what I am makes me good at what I do.