The Kasey Effect

so at work I went back to my old schedule and I forgot how freaking long and busy it was and its just so tiring like omg, I don't even have the energy after work to go to the gym. But yeah, those three days wore me the hell out. tomorrow I take my test for 911 communications and I'm confident, nervous and excited. I really hope I pass but if I don't I told my boyfriend to be ready to hold me while I cry. I attempted going to the gym today after I got off bc I hadn't been in a few days, totally forgot I didn't even eat yet and I was so weak and just tired and shaky, it was horrible. I didn't even remember I didn't eat until the end of my work out, so tired man, its bad. I cannot wait to go to bed tonight, I'm gonna sleep so hard, got my test at 9 am so I have to leave an hour and a half early bc its a half hour away and I need to find it, don't wanna waste time trying to locate it, got everything I need, prepared as hell. ive never been good at taking tests but I do recall I'm better at online tests than I am written ones, ive just always gotten so nervous and couldn't do well, oh and I like never studied bc I never really did shit in hs. but this isn't hs this is my life and I know I can do this, I have faith in myself and I practiced enough and read my handbook over and over

I'm going to start using this blog as a diary for awhile. I need to keep practicing on my typing and, theres no where else to type it. I love being a parent, a mommy. of course there are always hardships raising a child. well, I think the only one ive had so far with my child is trying to get the poor thing to let her poop out. Shes so afraid to poop bc she thinks it will hurt, but of course holding it only makes it worse, shes so young and doesn't understand, I mean we’ve tried everything we can. Her diet is super strict just so we can keep it soft, even if some has to sit in her poor little body. It will almost be a year in a month or so since shes starting holding it. Her first blow out left her a scar, so I know it was pretty bad, I will never forget that day. She was literally rolling on the floor just crying in pain, we filled a bulb of water and flushed her out. Even an actual suppository to make it extra soft but none of that made it soft, just came out in a huge ball. My mother had to put her knees to her chest just to push it out. I cried of course, my daughter was in so much pain. I myself deal with issues like that sometimes so I know how it feels. Apparently when I was my daughters age I used to do the same thing, really sucks I probably gave it to her but I do know a lot of toddlers go through poop withholding. I just wish she wasn't one of them. No mother wants their baby in pain. I continue to do the best I can for my child. she is the most important part of my being I cant imagine not having her. I recently bought her some “poop books” I read them to her on the potty, we just spent a whole hour on there reading, she peed for the first time on the toilet that way pretty exciting! I was trying to make her really excited about that but I knew she was extremely uncomfortable. she was holding her poop the whole time she sat there and her tummy is so full and hard from all the poop and all the food from dinner. I know one night isn't gonna change it but maybe doing every single night will make serious progress. god I really hope so. I don't want her to be so scared, I need her to like using it and becoming potty trained. that's only one part of my day that is, work was so long and so irritating today. My shifts are 9 hours long each and I stand on my feet, I don't take breaks so I can get every minute of my money and considering my position I don't have to take one. I'm a food preparer for Panera Bread. My General Manager Julie would not stop asking me to do things, and these things weren't even my job, I wasn't able to start my work until three hours into my shift. which is 5am to 2 pm. got there at 440 this morning and just couldn't believe how much time went by and how far she had me behind. it was reDICKulous. I love my job. I love being in the back and I love my coworkers but she wasn't always my GM. I had a GM named Stefon he was cool as fuck. A tight ass like her but shes 50 times worse I swear. I mean, shes just a straight bible thumping bitch. I understand company reasons but she likes to change things all bc its “her store” and it just picks at her when she sees it. the funniest part is here plans always fall through they just fail so hard, a few months ago we started doing PM preppers and of course I took some of those shift, I mean hey getting more sleep is always awesome. but 4 till close was a drag, id finish my work in 3 hours and either fuck around or have to help with a million different jobs. good thing was is Julie never really closed so I didn't have to see her. Now I open my four days in a row. Ugh. its cool though, I like my mornings. I miss my babies at home though. my daughter and my Babe.

Its crazy how things can change over short periods of time. There are so many things i regret and miss but cant go back to, And it breaks my heart. I was taken away from my favorite home, which i always saw as paradise and was forced to live in a town home in Waldorf. The upside is my best friend whom i love very much lives in Waldorf also. But thats not the moral of my story. Since i have moved i have been out of school, not trying to get a job at all and just being home or with my boyfriend getting drunk and stoned all the time. Turns out im a piece of shit but with great qualities.

I know my life isnt worthless and i know i am special. I am so smart and so wise and in touch with the world. But im so scared of what lies ahead of me. There is so much i would like to do and get done, but i lack that push everyone else has when they wake up in the morning. Now i dont even wake up in the morning. I dont know who i am anymore. I dont know what i want to do in life anymore. Am i still Kasey? Of course i am. but im asking in a sense that MAKES SENSE. Im confused not lost. Im not broken. But healed. and still healing. I just want to cry and cry and drown myself in liquor. Im gonna end up with my head so far up my ass, i will have no one. and i will be alone. Because i think thats what i deserve.