feed me corn

I was walking towards my bank to deposit a cheque into my account when I saw what I thought was two very small children about to cross a carriageway.

I should point out, I have to wear contact lenses but they are not vital, but to me, everything past around 10m just looks like a photoshopped blur, I can tell what’s there but I can’t make out distinct features.

I walked faster to attempt to see whether they were just being stupid or whether they were actually going to cross. One of them took a step into the road to get a better look around a bus that was stationary at the side of the road. This is when I thought to myself something really bad could happen. I started sprinting at them. They turned and looked at me and as my vision started to clear I had a surprise. Looking back at me was a dwarf woman and what looked to be her grandson.

I didn’t know what to do so I just carried on sprinting and hopped on the bus. I looked at the driver and engaged him in conversation whilst the woman continued to eye me suspiciously. I whispered faintly, “I’m just gonna confess I don’t have any money, I just mistook that dwarf for a kid about to cross the road and it was just instinct”.. The bus driver started giggling to himself and said he’d drop me round the corner to spare everyone’s embarrassment.

and it comes out she accidentally opened ms excel and found out its a great way to create knitting patterns

- bought us a seagull proof refuse bag (yes, they are actual things)

- loaned us garden tools when we didn’t have any

- invited us around for Friday night drinks so we could meet the other people on the lane

- one of them brought me a bunch of sweetpea flowers that he’d picked from his garden

- and tomorrow he’s coming to cut our hedge for us with his electric hedge trimmer thing idk, and all I have to do is hold the ladder.

Basically, I am UNSETTLED and am now having to enter into an arms race of niceness and I am already so behind oh god.