things he says to me that I shouldn't forget

I don't want my kids being raise near black kids. Unless it is in an affluent area.

Black people loot. White people don't loot.

Black people are opportunists

Black people are violent

Black people murder the most people in this country"

In all of this he means like, poor black people, like 5th generation "hood." Like he calls it "trashy hood mentality" like he is adamantly against them because of his personal experience in South Carolina and NJ

oh fuck he's racist I can't do this

I asked him if he'd say any of this to his brother, or alternately if he would say that to his brother and his brother's fiancee, who is black? Or to his friends? Or to any black person ever? He said that he wouldn't, because of COURSE he wouldn't.

I do have weird hang ups with handjobs/blowjobs but every time I start to get more into them he complains about not getting them and then he gets mad and and angry and we fight and I feel like he's treating me like a child and I cry and honestly I am a goddam 27 year old woman and my relationship of almost 2 years shouldn't be like this

Do you know how many times I have made food for us both and then, since I knew he would he home within the hour, waited to eat? Maybe I should have communicated that I wanted that, but me mentioning my disappointment shouldn't me misinterpreted as being a bitch who always complains and why should he even try?

Why the fuck should I try

I sarcastically said "wow I love my life right now," meaning wow we keep fucking fighting and I can't do this forever, which he took to mean that I think everything is about me and that this is all woe is me. Maybe he fucking shouldn't explode at me.

lmfao

Fine

Either be silent or be good to me.

Well lo and behold.

I said something, that to me was innocuous, in an effort to cut off the conversation about one of my friends. I said she was like family to me, and that he didn't know what we had been through together as friends. By far, the wrong thing to say. I had declined to let his brother crash on our futon for one or two nights; he anticipates that I am going to let my friend stay at our place, which I have zero intention of doing, and she hasn't asked. Therefore, his brother is lower than my friend.

In all honesty, I understand his outrage, it is is older brother, only they have been through what the other has been, I feel the same way about my brothers. He doesn't think I understand and I'm being flippant, but I do understand. I just know that whatever I say right now will not be actually heard by him.

I do not know his brother well, and he hasn't been spoken highly of always. Which he now regrets confiding in me, and I'm sure he won't say anything unless it is positive about his brother in the future.

He asked me where I thought I ranked with his brother. I asked what he meant, like, as in who is a better person? He already thinks I'm self-righteous and I'm sure me asking that just solidified it. But, no, where in order of importance to him did I rank. I said below his brother, even before this conversation. I'm sure that made him think of the times where he deferred to me instead of his brother. I meant, if it came down to extenuating circumstances, I think he would choose his brother. Which I suppose ties into our marriage conversation. He brought up that he pays half of rent and gets a say in who does and does not come into our space, and he is right. But, he does not want to be on the lease, not as a co-signer or as a resident. I do question the commitment level long term. I have have heard grand and pretty words, but I am trying to teach myself that actions are also important.