vent blog 2.0

my mom broght home my uncles turtle thats in a tiny fucking cage with a dribble murky, disgusting water and no food or room to move and the poor thing is trying to get away so bad and i yelled at my family for not giving it its necessities and theyre saying im just an asshole and that the turtles fine and im near crying over how horrible i feel for the little thing and how pissed i am at them

i really dont mean to brag im just proud because bc of my auti/sm its hard to be in classes, let alone ones that are writing based so the fact that im doing so well just makes me so excited idk

like idk i guess im just really proud of myself because i communication and writing are my biggest weak points but i have a 99% in that class and i got extra points for how good my writing was and i just?? never in a million years wouldve thought i was capable of smthn like that so idk man i just cant believe it

also i have really really bad communication problems, and i was talking to my english teacher and she mentioned an assignment we did yesterday where we had to write about our research paper topic but from the perspective of the main character of the book were reading and i was like "oh, yeah i liked that assignment but i struggle a lot with understanding communication so i didnt do very well" and she was like "did you see your grade on it? yours was so good that i gave you extra credit for it!" and i almost cried

he just. stopped the whole class and taught me art stuff instead to make sure i was okay and doing something that makes me happy like..idk man thats just so nice i cant believe how lucky i am to be at the best school in the entire fucking world with the best teacher in the entire fucking world

when i started having a meltdown though it was the very beginning of class and my teacher noticed immediately and at first he didnt know what to do but after a minute he turned off the lights, made everybody be quiet and showed me how to make a bunch of cool geometric patterns and we just sat and drew/colored stuff the entire class and people were like "wait arent we supposed to do math? you said you were gonna teach us something new" and he was like "no, were drawing now" and it was. one of the nicest things anybodys ever done for me

its kind of scary because its gonna be hard when im an adult and dont have someone sitting with me to walk me through everything but at the same time im kind of ok with that because when someone is there to help me its the best and most validating feeling in the world

like idk it felt like having my teacher next to me and walkig me through the steps of things just like, helped my brain work again if that makes sense like i couldnt even form sentences and im still having trouble with it out loud rn but i was able to say goodbye to him before i left the class and when my other teacher sat with me in the next class having her there helped me like, start talking again and i got a couple assignments finished and idk it was really surprising i guess

and i know its not just a depression thing because i just shut down so bad today to the point that i couldnt talk and i had trouble getting around easily and i felt like everyrhing was going right over my head and i had a meltdown in my class so my teacher sat next to me and helped me calm down and helped me do stuff that i liked doing and it. helped me so much?

and honestly im kind of okay with that? which is shocking because i usually beat myself up for stuff like that but idk i think its okay that i need constant help, thats ok i think?

i had such a horrible day for the most part but i realized something i never really understood about myself before? i realized that i actually like, cant function unless i have someone with me thats capable of taking care of/helping me. like i knew that it was easier to do stuff when there was someone that could but today in my last two classes my teachers sat next to me and talked to me while i was doing my work and i was so much calmer and more productive because i had them to ask how to do things and they walked me through it and idk i never really realized how much help i needed

also o got my schedule figured out so i should graduate on time and i should be relieved by that but honestly. im so much more scared

like im around people almost every day but it feels so fake. im afraid of being sad around anybody so i always just shove away anything bad and it feels so fake and forced i really hope i get a chance to talk to him tomorrow because hes like the only person i trust enough to not hide things from and i just really need to talk about thijgs for once

a couple of my other friends were in the conversation and they were the ones mainly talking so i didnt really get to say the things i wanted to say bc they were all talking over me but my teacher said i could talk to him tomorrow if i needed to so im hoping i can because i feel like im isolated all the time and its really really getting to me

we were talking about bad home life and stuff and it just. really hurts having to say things out loud, i know its all real and happening to me but saying it out loud is so much scarier and it makes it so much more real

i had a really personal conversation with my teacher today and it was really nice but i cant seem to be happyabout anything ever every time i get genuine support from him instead of being like "im glad i have a supportive adult in my life" i focus on "wow hes the only person who gives a shit about you :/" and i wish i could be positive but its so fucking hard

i keep habing nightmares every time i sleep and its. really getting bad