Fay Harper

These were the thoughts running through my mind as I opened my eyes again. Had the chandelier even hit me? I hadn't felt a thing. But something had changed. Something was different because as I watched the two assholes who killed me running away from the ballroom, I could feel myself disappearing, almost. It felt like I was dissolving and moving steadily upwards to who knows where. 

And then it was white. It felt like other people had come through here, other tributes killed horrifically in the Hunger Games seemed to have a special transport spot right here. And I had the option to move on or stay here. 

Well, no way was I going to keep going. I was probably going to Hell for taking three people out on my journey up here. 

But it was lonely. And even if I could peer over- which I could- and see what was happening, I still felt alone. Like an uninvolved audience member to the biggest game in the world. This was what I hated about losing. Seeing the other people still out there, playing, not taking note of the people left on the sidelines. Nobody was even thinking about me anymore, I bet. District Five would be watching Arland now. I was just the pathetic little girl who died on the first day of the Games.

Everything down there seemed to be going pretty quickly, I noticed. While I sat down in the arena the time seemed to be ticking away, just waiting for that lug of a Career and his girlfriend to find me. Now it seemed to already be the second day, and as I glanced around the arena I saw a flash of red hair and then another flash of red something. Blood. My heart sank. No.

Are you kidding me? I thought to myself. No. She can't die on the second day. Not so early, at least. She deserves to live. 

And then there she was, sitting just a couple dozen feet from me. As sad as I was to know that she was no longer back there on Earth, I couldn't help but be happy I wasn't stuck alone with all the idiot tributes. And I couldn't help but run straight into her arms to give her a hug while screaming at her why didn't she live? Why didn't she win? She was supposed to win.

"I missed you, too," Dotev said softly. "Thinking now, we probably should've allied, huh?"

I laughed a bit. "Too late for that, honey. But watch."

We peered down to see that Day 3 had already started, and the huge jackass bulky tribute was pinning down Arland and I was gritting my teeth and no, Arland, no you can't die, you can't be here, you have to stay with North, you have to stay, you can't let him get you and

Cannon. My heart sank again with the hatred that was growing in my heart for that asshole from One. I wanted him dead and I wanted him to suffer and I wanted North to do it. To avenge me. 

But as I turned my head there she was. Raf, from Six, who I had almost sort of made friends with, was digging his weapon deep into one of the only people here who had truly cared for me. And then his sabre swung and I had to look away and even though it was so far away I could hear the thump of her head falling to the ground. 

If there had been any substance to my being I would have thrown up then and there. But there was nothing, and I was struck with the sensation of my heart falling into my nonexistent stomach and I didn't know if I could hold myself up to watch anymore. 

But then there was a sort of warmth that laid itself across my shoulder, and I turned to see her standing there. North. Smiling at me. 

I took a deep breath. "Why didn't you win? You were supposed to win! You were supposed to do it!!! You could have won!!!"

I was so angry and so sad but then I felt her enveloping me in what must have been the afterlife's version of a hug. And it was warm and comforting. 

I walked closer to the walls of the decayed ballroom to get a better look at what I was dealing with. This was old stuff, no electrical sockets or force fields like I dealt with back home. A slight welling of panic grew inside me as I realized my industrial skills would be almost useless in this arena and  I grabbed a column inset into the wall to hide behind for now. 

Luckily, I had had the insight to drink more water than I probably needed this morning, which would keep me ahead of dehydration, at least until tomorrow. I could hear the rush of a river outside and I had my canteen with clean water in my pack, which would keep me good for another day or two. Then I would have to rely on the iodine tablets and then, who knew? Maybe I got a sponsor, though the chances seemed slim. 

I took the stupid hat off- what purpose did it serve, anyway? Keeping my hair back? I had my ribbon for that. Besides, the leather in the hat could serve some sort of purpose later on. It was hot outside right now, so I also took the jacket off for the time being, though I was sure it would get cold at night like it did at home. I noticed that was sort of a common thing in the arena from years past. 

For a few hours, all I did was walk around the ballroom and get to know my surroundings, taking cover every time I heard so much as a twig break in the distance. It got boring after a while, so I chose to try climbing the large gothic walls. It was possible, though too much like rock climbing for my personal taste. 

After a while, when the sun began to get lower in the sky, I used my knife to slice off a bit of my first apple. I knew I would absolutely need to save my food for the coming adventure, but my stomach was growling and I wouldn't be able to ignore it before I slept. I ended up eating about half the apple before relaxing in a dark corner of the ballroom, deciding to go to sleep early with an appetite for some of that Capitol candy.

Finally we arrived at a snowy clearing with a rusty gate looming ahead of us at the fringe of visibility. Behind the gate was a danger zone: the biggest power plant that District Five had ever attempted to build was in the middle of construction. Signs that read FALLING DEBRIS, POWER LINES, ELECTRIC SHOCK WARNING, stood everywhere, but we as the children of the District tended to ignore them in favor of our new favorite playground.

The plant would let us have power in our homes for a full ten hours a day and we looked forward to seeing it finished by the coming spring. For now, twilight was catching on and all of the construction workers had gone home. It was just Callius and I in the cold District Five snow. 

Finally, I caught up to him as he was attempting to squeeze through the rabbit hole under the fence. "Come on, Cal. We need to go home. What if a Peacekeeper catches us?"

He held up a small, mittened finger to his lips. "Just be quiet, Fay! Shhhh." 

He slipped easily under the fence and I disparagingly followed on his heels. His mop of thick brown hair bounced along on his head as some sort of replacement for the hat he had lost somewhere on the way home from school today. I reached up to fix my pink hairbow, but it seemed that it had fallen out some time today. I frowned. Now it felt like something was missing, like my head was off balance now. 

Callius climbed up a stack of wood and laughed as he proclaimed that he was now taller than me while I explored around a bit, looking at switches and exposed wires that were probably dangerous out here in the snow. He jumped down and I brushed snow off a sign that pointed out where the electrical switches were and where each switch went to. I didn't quite understand, but it fascinated me still. The trade of our district has always interested me. 

I shuffled through the snow further to get a better look at one of the switches when suddenly I was tripped up by a hidden branch that had been covered by the white sheet of powder. I stumbled forward a few feet before catching myself on a random handle on the wall and lifting myself up with it, jiggling the handle a bit before realizing that it was one of the switches that I had been planning to inspect. 

Hearing a sudden shriek of pain, I whipped my head around to see Cal had fallen over a piece of metal on the ground and landed on his hands and knees. One of his legs was bent in a weird way and tears had started rolling down his face, telling me that he had either broken or sprained his knee. 

As I began to clamber over the piles of wood and metal in my way, the events that happened next unfolded in slow motion.

The skeleton of the structure above us was swaying a bit: either from the heavy winds or the electricity surging through the plant. A large steel contraption that was hanging by a single hook budged and slid and then was falling through the air down down down and I heard a bloodcurling scream as I struggled to run to my brother through the snow and the debris and

Blood sprayed on my pink coat and hairbow. I couldn't move as I took in the sight in front of me. Now laying with half of his ribcage crushed under the metal, my baby brother was a mess of blood and gore and I couldn't tear my eyes away as I began screaming hysterically and reaching up to fix my hairbow but it wasn't there and so I started pulling at my hair and scratching at my face and digging my nails into my palms.

It was a whole hour before someone found us and I was still screaming, my voice hoarse and barely audible anymore. The man called members of the district: Peacekeepers, our parents, officials, neighbors, doctors, and dragged me away from the scene kicking and screaming and still staring at where my brother had been. 

And then I finally tore my eyes away to look at the switch I had grabbed and jiggled. I fell silent suddenly as another pair of arms reached around me to drag me away and I realized that I must have triggered the switch. I must have triggered the hook letting go of the machinery and I must have been responsible for my brother's death and I killed my brother. My body went limp, as if somebody had kicked me in the stomach.

As soon as my mother could stand me up straight, I wiped some blood off my coat and pinched it between my fingers. Blood was interesting, wasn't it? The sign of death, of loss...

I couldn't lose. I had lost my brother and I couldn't lose. No I couldn't lose and I had lost and I had lost him and it was bloody and gory and I needed to get his blood off my hands and it was my fault.

My parents insisted it wasn't me. The switch hadn't been turned on, it was a freak accident and this is why you don't play in danger zones. 

But I couldn't get the blood I had seen splattered over the snow out of my head. And it was my brother's blood. I couldn't let the blood of someone I loved so dearly poison my mind and therefore I needed other unimportant blood on my mind and that would clear it up and that would

It was such a new feeling, so weird and awful and foreign and I wanted the pit in my stomach to go away. No way was Atticus going to sponsor me now, the way I’d blubbered when trying to impress him. If I was such a fool onstage who’s to say I wouldn’t be a fool in the arena?

It was fools who made friends, therefore I needed to stay away from people tonight. Tonight was about me. I mean, it’s not like anybody asked me as a date anyway. I was just the foolish thirteen-year-old tribute who was in over her head. And I needed to prove them wrong, needed to take them out so that I could make it up to Cal, to wash my hands of what had happened five years ago.

As I entered the ballroom, the other tributes were laughing and drinking and probably kissing too, though I couldn’t tell through the darkness. A streak in my hair glowed under the blacklight with my shirt and a handprint on my leg and I took a deep breath. 

Almost immediately, an Avox approached me with a mysterious glowing drink. I took it, not thinking that it could be alcoholic, and took a large gulp of it. My eyes began watering but I managed it down my throat, deciding I liked how warm in was in my stomach. I took another sip.

Nobody wanted to ally with me. That had been clear from the first day of training. Nobody was bothering to talk to me, nobody had even approached me before or after my interview to ask how it went. I was almost counting on North to do that, to act as the sister I knew she wanted to be, but apparently not. She had moved onto bigger and better things, like everyone else. 

I finished the drink and grabbed another, looking at the Avox who handed it to me. “I’m jealous of you,” I stated, knowing she could never blabber to another person. “You get to live in the Capitol 24/7. You don’t get thrown in an arena to die. I bet you at least have Avox friends.”

She gave me a confused look as I downed the second glass, deciding that this one must have been less potent than the first. I took a third one. 

God, the other tributes were all idiots. Enjoying themselves and dancing around like it was just another school dance. I hated them. I hated each and every one of them and I wanted them all to die and they would all perish except not me. Not me. They were all bigger and stronger but

I finished off the third drink, feeling too dizzy to reach a fourth. The Avox I was talking to gently led my hand away when I did try to grab it, and I jerked it back.

"Let go of me, you servant!" I yelled in her face. "Don’t touch me! I’m to be a victor!"

I finally managed to grab a fourth drink, but before it reached my lips my shaky hand let it slip and it went crashing to the ground, spilling mysterious glowing liquid everywhere. 

"FUCK!" I screamed. The Avox pulled back but I grabbed another drink, and before I knew what I was doing I threw it against the nearest wall, shattering the glass and creating a large glowing stain on the wall. Several tributes nearby turned their heads to stare, but I turned away. Suddenly I was feeling a little nauseous and I didn’t want to be here anymore. 

A hand tried to help me as I staggered out of the room, but I pushed it away. “Keep your hands off me! I don’t need anyone’s help! I’m going to win and I’m going to kill all of you! All of you for Cal!”

I turned back to see the face of a somewhat offended North pulling her hand back. 

"Just… let me go away. I want to go to my room!" I yelled at her. "Let me go, North! I’m not your sister!"

I began walking to my room, stumbling every few steps. Before I knew it, I was lying in my bed with a glass of water in my hand, unsure of how I had arrived in my room. Suddenly very thirsty, I downed the glass of water and called for a new one and an Avox came in straight away, followed by a familiar figure.